Old Groaner JOW

My work will be taking me back to the Bayou Country later in the week so I thought to get my JOW out a bit early this week. I was reviewing my old JOWs looking for some inspiration. It surprised me how many jokes were repeated; I have joke in my records that have been sent to me repeatedly. Sometimes from the phrasing I am pretty sure they were put out by me as a JOW; the biter bit! I also became aware of just how much water was under the bridge when I saw comments like ‘I still have three teenagers.’ Wow, that was a while ago. At any rate, I came up with some groaners, also known as shaggy dog stories or outrageous puns. They are old, but then most jokes are. Hope you enjoy them anyway.

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Sheila loved her two dogs, but they were very disobedient, so she decided to take them to obedience classes.
The class was run by an old man. He was very strict but seemed to get good results, and after several months of regular attendance things had improved to such a degree that Sheila was even considering entering her pets into his obedience competition.
Then, shortly before the completion, disaster struck. Sheila had to baby-sit for her young nephew Bartholomew. All evening, the boy teased the dogs, and by the end of the day both dogs were back to their old habits - all the hard work and training was undone in a single evening; it was as if they had never been to class at all.
Worst of all, it was the day before the competition, and she had already registered her entry. What could she do? In desperation, Sheila decided to call a friend of hers who also had two dogs of the same breed who looked like her dogs and were well behaved. Explaining the situation, Sheila asked if she could borrow the two good dogs. Her friend agreed, and Sheila arrived as usual with two well-behaved dogs.
But the old man wasn't fooled for a moment - as soon as he saw them he knew they were the wrong dogs, so he called Sheila over to the side of the class.
"It was a good try," he said sternly "but don’t you know, you can't trick an old teach with new dogs."

+++++++++++++++++
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please, same as always,” said King Wenceslas breaking into song, "deep pan, crisp and even"

………………..
Two men got into a heated argument about which was the most impressive river in the world. The first man was an Egyptian, and was quite confident that the Nile was absolutely the best river in the world - he cited the stunning scenery and the thousands of years of history around it. The other man was an American, who believed that the Mississippi was better. He talked about the way the river had helped to open up the continent, and the great cities that had developed along its banks.
They argued about it for hours, until finally, another fellow stepped in, and stopped the argument.
He managed to convince them that both rivers were equally impressive, because, after all as everyone knows –
A Miss. is as good as the Nile

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A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. Since competition in their area was quite fierce, they wanted their new business to have something unique about it.
After much thought, they decided to set up shop on board a boat, moored on the banks of the river. As an added bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat, with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.
The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry.

Hot Times JOW

Summer afternoon...the two most beautiful words in the English language.
~ Henry James
From this statement it is obvious that Mr. James never spent a summer in Houston. Lots of places get hot in the summer – my friend Dan up in North Dakota said it was 100 degrees up there, and Dave and Janet regularly put up with real triple digits temperatures, not those heat index values the weather pixies put up these days. What makes Houston summers so wretched is that they go on and on. Instead of Ground Hog day, we should have Hound Dog day. If your dog jumps into the pool on August 15th you can expect six more weeks of summer.
Here are a few ‘cool’ jokes to help you get by for those six long weeks.

……………………………………………
A four year old frightened his family one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when found the boy was found playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World."

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For her summer job, a petite 18-year-old arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?"
"Because I fit in the chairs."
She got the job.

++++++++++++++++
While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. They must have had some unfortunate incidents with fishermen.
Above the table was a sign saying: "It is unlawful to clean fish on this table."

_________________

I am going to close with a couple of non summer-related bits:

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven where he meets St. Peter.
Seeing the suitcase Peter stopped him saying, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase and sees all the gold and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

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Some random thoughts:
~ Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
~ Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
~ Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
~ All generalizations are false.
~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Thos. Pinney

JD JOW

This JOW is in honor of my daughter Tiffany who has completed the requirements for her JD. Yes, we now have a lawyer in the family. You do your best to bring them up right... I can’t understand her turning to the Dark Side. Sure the economy is tight but there are lots of alternatives to practicing law. She could have been a barmaid and there are plenty of jobs available cleaning restrooms ─ good honest work. Anyway she asked for a few jokes about lawyers. I think she is throwing me a bone, but what the heck, here is some humor from another kind of bar than the ones I frequent.

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children.
The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”
The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”
“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

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A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked warily.

……………………………
Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of distorting said proof.

++++++++++++++++

Some lawyer riddles.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
(This is of course untrue. It only takes one lawyer to change “your” light bulb to “his” light bulb.)

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A. A prostitute will not screw you after you are dead.

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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Caribbean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out I was really a lawyer."

And in conclusion

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Holy JOW

I was challenged to include some biblical humor. I wound up with some jokes that are vaguely related to religious matters.

A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:
Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me."
The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastors message was another scripture passage.
It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."
_____________

Two priests died at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

*******************
An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
"I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."
"You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.
"Where have you been?" the $20 asks.
"Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
"Wait," the $20 interrupts. "What's a church?"
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A woman baked a cake for a church bazaar held to raise money for the church. Upon taking it out of the oven she dropped it and the cake's center fell to the floor, ruined.
With no time to make another cake, she ingeniously set a roll of bathroom tissue in the centre and slathered icing all over.
She then sent her daughter to deliver the cake, and gave her money, with explicit instructions to present the cake for sale and then to immediately buy it back.
A great idea!
But unfortunately it didn't go to plan and the cake was purchased immediately by someone else.
The following day this woman went to play bridge. There on the hostess' table was "her" cake.
She was very worried, knowing what was inside it. Noticing her that she had been observed staring at the cake she quickly commented, "Oh my, what a beautiful cake!".
"Thank you,” the hostess replied without batting an eye, “I baked it myself."
……………………

These comments come from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


Thos. Pinney

Tenth Anniversary JOW #520

This is JOW number 520 (more or less). That means I have been doing a joke of the week for more than years. Yow. I can’t say I haven’t missed a week here and there during that time─after all, there was that stint when I had brain surgery; but all in all, I have been pretty faithful in getting my jokes out.
So, enjoy
………………………..
At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 10th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So in a spirit of competition, they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney covered in bandages.
"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Three job-related jokes.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

++++++++++++++++
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
________________

I think everyone gives 100% at work. Usually it is about 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

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Some ‘old’ jokes...
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old soldiers never die…. Young ones do.


Thos. Pinney