Ole and Lena jokes are a staple of the upper Midwest. Ole and Lena are prototypical Norwegian-Americans living in rural Minnesota sometimes including thick accents. Usually their jokes are in the “dumb” category that blondes fill in other regions but they are sometimes bawdy: this is one of the mildest examples I can give without violating my JOW standards:
“So, Ole, I hear you are going on a vacation.”
“Yeah, goin’ back to Norway to visit da family der.”
“Well, be careful. You know what happens when you go on vacation. You went to Duluth, Lena got pregnant; you took that trip to Calgary, Lena got pregnant; you visited Chicago, Lena got pregnant.”
“No change of that happening this time.”
“Why not?”
“I am taking her with me.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to their favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?"
"No," she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back.
Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!
================================
Ole and Lena had been going steady for almost twenty years. One night Ole remarked, “Lena, we been together for a long time now; maybe we should get married.”
“Married,” scoffed Lena, “at our age who would have us?”
++++++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
```````````````````````````````````````````````
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby had to be delivered Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it would be a Norvegian."
…………………………………..
A few years later Lena made a panicked call to the doctor. “Doctor! Little Ole just swallowed a bullet! What should ve do?”
“Just stay calm,” advised the doctor, “give him some castor oil and make sure you don’t aim him at anybody.”
___________________
Ole started a farm machinery business. He put it a big advertisement in the paper:
“We stand behind all our implements – with the exception of the manure spreaders.”
---------------------------------
Finally Lena passed away; Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Childish JOW
I have a few mixed jokes this week. The first couple are rather childish – but then most of my jokes are.
I hope you enjoy them.
A little boy came home from his first day at school and asked his mom the dreaded question – “Mom, what is sex?”
I modern woman who believed in open and honest education, she took a deep breath and gave him a through and detailed explanation of that tricky subject.
When she finished the obviously confused boy took out the enrolment form he had brought home from school and asked, “But how am I going to get all that into this little box.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here is a sweet story from Martha.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
================================
We all think if BBC as having some wonderful announcers. Okay, they have some great accents but they are not always exactly clear. Here are a few actual quotes from various announcers:
• “Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.”
• “In a sense it is a one-man show except there are two men involved, and a third man, the goalie.”
• “You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order.”
• Peter Snow – “In a sense Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?”
Expert on China – “Yes.”
------------------------------------------
Finally, a famous epitaph -
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a
positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you'd like, you can pass this on to someone having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
I hope you enjoy them.
A little boy came home from his first day at school and asked his mom the dreaded question – “Mom, what is sex?”
I modern woman who believed in open and honest education, she took a deep breath and gave him a through and detailed explanation of that tricky subject.
When she finished the obviously confused boy took out the enrolment form he had brought home from school and asked, “But how am I going to get all that into this little box.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here is a sweet story from Martha.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
================================
We all think if BBC as having some wonderful announcers. Okay, they have some great accents but they are not always exactly clear. Here are a few actual quotes from various announcers:
• “Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.”
• “In a sense it is a one-man show except there are two men involved, and a third man, the goalie.”
• “You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order.”
• Peter Snow – “In a sense Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?”
Expert on China – “Yes.”
------------------------------------------
Finally, a famous epitaph -
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a
positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you'd like, you can pass this on to someone having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Get your Ice Cold JOW
Martha, Mary Ellen, and Bil all provided some good JOW fodder this week. They include a few that highlight our recent winter weather.
It has been so cold here that the Emergency Service has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• Rock Salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
• Empty gas Can
• First Aid Kit
• Jumper cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
******************************
An Irish Family Tradition
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk right over the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused and furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That would be because your father, your grandfather, and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, you nit wit."
-----------------------
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Can You Solve This Puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this bizarre and dangerous situation?
Answer
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
========================
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it !' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and covered his ears with his paws.
The first man asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
It has been so cold here that the Emergency Service has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• Rock Salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
• Empty gas Can
• First Aid Kit
• Jumper cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
******************************
An Irish Family Tradition
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk right over the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused and furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That would be because your father, your grandfather, and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, you nit wit."
-----------------------
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Can You Solve This Puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this bizarre and dangerous situation?
Answer
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
========================
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it !' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and covered his ears with his paws.
The first man asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Grandfatherly JOW
It has been cold here outside Houston as it has been around most of the nation. What is exciting is that they are actually predicting some Snow this week. We get a dusting of snow every decade or so, but this is a prediction of over an inch. Cool – or rather, cold! Best of all the snow will melt after a few charming hours. I whine about the heat and humidity here but it is comforting to remember that your car does not get stuck in heat and humidity does not have to be shoveled.
Tink provided me with most of these “old” jokes with some additional ones from Martha. The first joke is in honor of my own old ailing mom, (my sisters will understand).
…………………
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
=========================
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
*************
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
+++++++++++++++
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
My young granddaughter called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. She asked me how old I was, and I told him I was 60. My granddaughter was quiet for a moment, and then she asked,”Did you start at 1?"
----------------------------
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
+++++++++++++++
And here are some of those famous Church Bulletins notices which remind us all how important it is in the English language to keep your objects and verbs in order:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
………………………………
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
And finally, for the socially tone deaf among us:
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will also meet at 7 PM. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Tom
Tink provided me with most of these “old” jokes with some additional ones from Martha. The first joke is in honor of my own old ailing mom, (my sisters will understand).
…………………
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
=========================
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
*************
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
+++++++++++++++
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
My young granddaughter called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. She asked me how old I was, and I told him I was 60. My granddaughter was quiet for a moment, and then she asked,”Did you start at 1?"
----------------------------
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
+++++++++++++++
And here are some of those famous Church Bulletins notices which remind us all how important it is in the English language to keep your objects and verbs in order:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
………………………………
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
And finally, for the socially tone deaf among us:
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will also meet at 7 PM. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Tom
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