Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Signage JOW #921


I just completed a road trip of a couple of thousand miles.  When you are on the road that much you see lots of signs. That got me thinking about signage in general and jokes about signs in particular.  There is a joke attached at the bottom, but most of the rest are just short one line signs.  Enjoy

I will start with bar signs:
Husband day care-
            Need time to relax?
            Want to go shopping?
            Need some time to yourself?
Leave your husband with us.  We will look after him.  No charge other than his drinks!

Did you know 2-4 glasses of wine can reduce your risk of giving a damn.

Free Beer!  Topless waitresses!!  False advertising!!

Soup of the day?  Beer.

No Hipsters!!!
We have had it with our hairy faces, strict vegetarian diets, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding.
No, wait…. Hamsters.  No Hamsters!!

Wanted – customers!  No previous experience needed as full training will be given.  Apply within.

Alcohol will not solve your problems.  But neither will water.

If you don’t drink, how will your friends know you love them… at 2 AM.

Buy any two drinks, and pay for them both.

Look at your woman.  Have a beer.  Now gaze at your woman.  Doesn’t she look better?

There is a bar called El Arroyo that is famous for its changing signs:
·         Can’t remember her name in the morning? Take her to Starbucks, she’ll tell the barista.
·         Willy Wonka was the original Hunger Games
·         Don’t worry password.  I’m insecure, too.
·         The days of good grammar has went.
·         How did the hipster burn his tongue?  He drank is coffee before it was cool.
·         I hate Russian dolls because they are so full of themselves.
·         I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
·         Treat your mom to a margarita.  You are probably the reason she drinks.
·         We have beer colder than your ex’s heart
·         I’m a social vegan.  I avoid meet.
·         My favorite kind of cake is more.
·         Autocorrect is my worst enema.

----------------------------------
Welcome to our OOL.  Notice there is not ‘P’ in our pool.  Let’s keep it that way.
And
Sharks have been spotted in this pool.  They come out when they smell pee.

Danger: The dog has a gun.  And he refuses to take his medication.

Beware of the dog.  The cat is not trustworthy, either.

In case of fire exit the building before tweeting about it.

Anyone caught exiting through this door will be asked to leave.

At a Dairy Queen:  I scream, you scream, the police come. Awkward.


I love people who attach signs onto signs:
            This door is alarmed
            What startled it?

            This fountain turned off due to leakage.
            When will it be turned on due to fixage?

            Road closed
            If you are a pussy.
           
            Stop.
            In the name of love.

At a coffee shop.
            Small coffee - $5
            Small coffee, please - $3
            Good morning, may I have a small coffee, please -$2

After I drink coffee I like to show the IT guy the empty mug and tell him I have installed java.  He hate me.

Game of Thrones references
At a veterinarian: A Lannister always spays his pets.
Winter is coming!  Calm down, GoT nerds, just winterize your car.

The Simpsons are famous for their signs. 
·         Semi-Painless dentistry
·         Suicide Notes are Us – formerly Good Vibrations
·         Bloodbath and beyond gun shop
·         Pet store – as felt in Braille Weekly
·         It Blows – the air conditioning store
·         The Vast Waistband
·         U2 Moving Crew.  We move in mysterious ways
·         Dr. Nick Riviera – If I kill you, the operation is free!
·         Plastic surgery Center.  Correcting God’s mistakes.
·         Try our new beef flavored chicken.
·         Stern Lecture Plumbing – I told you not to flush that.
·         Lucky stiff funeral home.  We put the fun in funeral.
·         VHS Village.  Formerly the Beta Barn.
·         Family Fun Center.  As seen on ‘When Disaster Strikes 4’
           
A sign in a Shoe Repair store in Vancouver:  
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A sign on a Blinds and Curtains truck:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:   
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

An old one from Woody
A couple in their 60’s was celebrating their 40th anniversary.  Suddenly a tiny fairy appeared before them.  “For being such an exemplary married couple all this time I am going to grant each of you a wish.”
“Oh,” said the wife, “I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” 
And *poof* She had two tickets for a round the world cruise in her hand.
“Well,” said the husband, “that is very nice but this is an opportunity I am not going to waste.  I want to have a wife that is twenty years younger than I am.”
His wife (and the fairy) were very disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 
And *poof* the man was 20 years older.
You see, the man forgot that fairies are also female.

Finally, for Mike:
To err is human.  To arrr is pirate.



Monday, June 18, 2018

50th Reunion JOW #920



If you think things improve with age, just go to a high school reunion.  My high school reunion is this weekend.  That gives me a week to lose 30 pounds and achieve fame and fortune.  They say with age comes wisdom.  So all my wisdom much weigh about just about that extra 30 pounds.  Or maybe it is just baby (boomer) fat.  I suspect the other men will have gone from beef cake to pot roast and the women will have added a few minutes to their hourglass figures.  Yes, going to a high school reunion brings new meaning to the phrase “50 Shades of Gray”.  Here are a few reunion jokes that I can remember.
+++++++++++++++++++
 Husband takes the wife to her 50th high school reunion.
 After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
 The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
 There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, doing back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
 Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 50 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
 Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there wear low cut blouses.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again pools their thoughts and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again decides to discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet for reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: That’s’ nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a plane.
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns a real estate company and just gave his best friend a house.
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other three guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about?
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our son are.
Guy 4: Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life.
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a sports car, a plane and a house from his three boyfriends.
_____________
Gray Pride: We’re old, we’re tired, get off our lawn
+++++++++++
Folsom Prism blues – I see the light refracting round the bend, I ain’t seen a rainbow since I don’t know when.
~~~~~~~~~~
I love words – Dick sent me some new definitions of words we desperately need:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And a final gift from Dick
Wednesday morning the weather was too bad to play golf.  I was bored with nothing to do.  Suddenly there was a knock on the door.  I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said, "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the sh#$ out of me. I never got this far before.”



Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Traveling on JOW #919



I intended to make my jokes this week about politics, but the current political climate is so vituperative these days that most of the so called jokes were just excoriations.  I think things have not been this bad since the late ‘60’s.  What is so odd is that when you look around things are actually pretty good.  The world is mostly at peace and there is broad prosperity.  Maybe that is why we are so angry with each other.  The party on the outside has to convince everyone that things are terrible and we need to change.  Both sides hurl the worst deprecations at the other others.  This has been going on so long we the people begin to believe both sides.  Politics are so polarized today. I showed someone a photo of my son and his baby.  Before my progressive friend would admire it she wanted to know their opinion on Donald Trump.  I was talking with a friend who had a slightly different  political view on this, so I shot him.  At any rate I want to offer a toast to all the people who disagree with my politics but haven’t unfriended me… yet.
Since I have a road trip coming up I began with some travel jokes:
````````````````````
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, you’re going to get us killed!"
He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!"
"Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways.
"Dude, its green you can go."
"Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
<<<<<<<<<<<< 
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
……………………
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears are the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”
-----------------
I understand that Canada is legalizing marijuana.  Will they change the Maple Leaf on their flag to Cannabis Leaf?
===================
The cows returned to the marijuana field.  It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.

A couple of leftover doctor jokes:
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
 "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
 'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
 There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
 ***********************
 An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
 As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 
 "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
 "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
##########
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a lucky guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

Finally, I need to slip this joke in…
Tim works at Whole Foods. He usually helps outside, but sometimes he comes in and helps bag groceries when the lines are long at the cash registers. Whole Foods also has a juice bar where customers can get freshly-made vegetable and fruit juices.
Tim asked if he could help out there when the lines get too long, but was told he could not, due to company policy:
Baggers can't be juicers.



Monday, June 4, 2018

Doctor! Doctor! JOW #918


Having had to deal with doctors recently I decided they would make a nice topic for a JOW.  As you get older, doctors become more familiar both as friends and professionally.  So, here are a few jokes you can share with your doctor; although not perhaps just before he operates on you. 

This is one of Woody’s favorite jokes:
After his death, a man found himself waiting in line before the Pearly Gates.  There was a long line in the clouds leading up to St. Peter who was checking the lives of the departed to determine if they could enter Heaven. 
Just as the man got to St. Peter, an large impressive man in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck came pushing importantly through the crowd.
“Make way, make way, I’m a doctor.”
He rushed right past St. Peter and into Heaven.
“Do you automatically get into heaven if you are a doctor?” the man ask St. Peter.
“No,” replied Peter, “that was God.  He just likes to pretend he is a doctor.”

+++++++++++++++++
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
---------------------
According to the intern the patient is not dead, he is ‘electroencephalographically challenged.’
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 
My doctor suggested I join a gym, but I told him I could stay at home and watch people exercise just as easily on those fitness channels.
 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
This one is better told than read.
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" 
The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
***************
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
………………………..
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
Which reminded me of this old pneumonia joke
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
Doctor, I have a stomach ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1950 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, take this antibiotic."
2018 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided that since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  She had a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She had a complete makeover with a new hairdo and color. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."