High Altitude JOW

I am spending some time in the mountains of Colorado this week, so my Joke of the Week has fewer sweat stains on it. I am in Estes Park, about a mile from the entrance to Rocky Mountain National Park, up around 8,000 feet; I am learning to appreciate the simple things – like breathing. Colorado is an unusual state. They think that ‘high humidity’ is anything over 25%.
My JOW this week deals in high altitude and wilderness humor followed by some new versions of that high altitude aesthetic, the Dalai Lama.
Famous last words in mountain climbing

• I'm sure this way is the right way
• I'm okay-It's just a little headache
• No reason to belay up with the ropes. I know where every crevasse is
• I am sure the rope reaches all the way to the bottom
• Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.
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A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.
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In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said," her phone battery died."
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These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
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Finally, while the Dalai Lama is one of the greatest in the line of Tibetan Dalai Lamas, there is a whole other school of lesser, and perhaps slightly less illuminating, lamas little known to the West. This list comes from a contest sponsored by the web magazine Hundred Mountain: a Journal of the Spirit and the Arts at www.hundredmountain.com
(Buddy) Holly LAMAS: This little known offshoot of the Dalai Lama is a small band --- literally --- of wandering musician/monks who practice the Lama Rama Dhamma. The group is easily recognized by their horned-rimmed glasses, penny loafers and giant orange hats. They spread the dharma at bars and small concerts of fellow seekers. With electrified thumb cymbals they blend rock and roll with traditional Tibetan music to sold-out crowds. Their current world tour features their new hit single, "Peggy Sutra."
DILLY DALY LAMA: This Australian master is the 12th reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Procrastination. He lives at an undisclosed location in the Australian Outback. To become a student of his, one must undergo the trial of Beating Around the Bush, wherein the potential disciple wanders throughout the Outback trying to get to The Pointe, the Dilly Dally Lama's temple and home. Few people ever make it to The Pointe, and those who do have missed the point of the teaching which, needless to say, is very indirect and unspecific.
JOLLY LAMA: An attempt to blend Tibetan Buddhism with the Santa Claus tradition so as to appeal to more Westerners. He and his monks were easily recognized by their red robes with white trim.
BALI LAMA: While many great Tibetan teachers settled in India or came West, this one went to the sunny island of Bali, where he could usually be found making sand mandalas under a beach umbrella, sipping iced butter tea.
POLLY LAMA: This colorful Lama hails from the jungles of Central America. He meditates by repeating phrases spoken to him and eschews the saffron robes for brighter colors. He lives an ascetic life, eating little, and showing a decided preference for crackers.
DOLLY LAMA: Seeking enlightenment through country music and meditating on the cosmic significance of water slides in her natural habitat in the Great Smoky Mountains, this robust-breasted soul comfortably seats two.
WALLY LAMA: Lives a monastic lifestyle in community with such like-minded devotees as the Lumpy Lama, the Eddie Lama, the Beav, Ward and June lamas.
RAMEN LAMA: Formerly a Zen monk, this lama can be found at food stalls on train stations in Tokyo, slurping down noodles and giving blessings to passing commuters.
LLAMA LAMA: He set up a site in the Andes and seeks solace via raising pack animals to ease the burdens of the native people. (Peter Arroyo)
THE DALI LAMA: Founded a practice that encourages followers to realize their surreal self. Most noted for his feat of melting clocks while meditating on the nonexistence of time. When practitioners reach enlightenment they instantly sprout a thin, smile-shaped mustache and have a blissful wild-eyed stare. The high teachers of this sect, however, are not what they appear to be.
COLLIE LAMA: Living in the mountains north of Los Angeles, this compassionate canine teaches humans worldwide about unconditional love and kindness. Better known to the western world as Lassie, generations have learned about devotion and loyalty.
THE DELI LAMA: He'll make you one with everything. Famous for saying "Let's do lunch."


Tom

Gone Fishing JOW

I had the great pleasure of going fishing in and around Matagorda Bay in south Texas, one of the great coastal fisheries in the US. We were after Red Fish, Black Drum, Flounder, and Trout. Most of the time we were wading in water one to four feet deep. I really enjoy wade fishing – there is a peaceful timelessness to it, combining the need for concentration and yet allowing you the opportunity to observe the great natural beauty all around you. The Texas coast is a very rich habitat with many birds, marine mammals, and all manner of aquatic life. Of course, there's a fine line between wade fishing and just splashing around looking like an idiot. I'm great at fishing, just not so good at catching. Fortunately I was with three really expert fishermen; I guess their skill is contagious because even I caught some good fish. And when I say good I do not just mean good-sized, I mean tasty.
Going fishing always reminds me of that great bit of wisdom: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...
So here are some fishing-related jokes for your amusement.

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Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety of bait and lures and rent a boat. After a long day of fishing, the two fishermen return to the dock. The first
fisherman pulls their only catch from the live well, a scrawny fish just legal size. He says, ‘Boy!
This fish cost us about $75.’
The second fisherman says, ‘Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more or we’d be broke.’

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A warden walks up to a fly fisherman with a cooler full of Rainbow trout in a catch & release area. The warden says, ”You know…it’s illegal to keep those fish you caught?”
The fisherman answers, “I didn’t catch those, they’re my pet fish, I bring them down here from home once a day so they can swim around and when I whistle they come back and jump in the cooler and I take them back home”.
The warden says,” I don’t believe it”.
So the fisherman dumps the cooler and the fish swim off.
After a few minutes the warden says, “Well...when are you going to whistle to bring the fish back?”
“What fish?”
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These two guys are ice fishin’; one says: “they ain’t bitin”.
The other one notices a snowmobile and says: “Well, those guys that are trolling don’t look like they’re catchin’ much either.”

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A more-than-slightly intoxicated fisherman decided to go ice fishing. As he began to cut a hole in the ice, a resonating voice from above came booming down, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The ice fisher was slightly taken aback, but continued trying to cut a hole in the ice.
Again, the voice came booming down, ”There are no fish under the ice!”
The fisherman responded, “God, is that you? Why do you keep telling me there are no fish under the ice?”
The voice boomed back, “Because I am the owner this ice rink, you fool!”

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Two blondes were fishing by a stream one day when a game warden suddenly appeared. Upon seeing the ladies he struck up a conversation which eventually led to the question, “Do you gals have fishing licenses?”
“We don’t need fishing licenses,” one of the blondes replied. “We’re using magnets to dredge the bottom for debris.”
Somewhat perplexed, the warden demanded to see those magnets. The blondes complied and reeled in their rigs, and sure enough, magnets were attached to the ends of their lines.
“OK’” grumbled the warden, as he left.
When he was out of sight, one of the blondes giggled, “Stupid warden doesn’t know there’s steelhead in here!”

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One man's passion was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.
"What terrible weather today, Honey," he murmured in her ear.
"Yes, she answered, “can you believe my idiot husband went fishing in this?"

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a fish hook. Then I sold him some line. Then I sold him some lures and tackle. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 pickup truck."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"



Tom

Alaskan JOW

You might have noticed that there was no JOW last week. That was because Ruth and I fled the oppressive heat of the greater Houston area and took an Alaskan cruise. For a long wonderful week we rediscovered the pleasures of long sleeves and even jackets. Of course the scenery was spectacular and we were able to have some great adventures.
With Alaska still on my mind I thought that it would make a good topic for my JOW - anything to get my mind off the continuing forecasts for triple digit heat here.
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In Alaska when someone refers to "the BIG one" it's important to clarify whether they are talking about a King salmon, Mt. McKinley, or the 1964 earthquake.

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First Alaskan: Boy, it was too bad to hear about Bob's car accident; he suffered so much brain damage they had to ship him off to the Lower 48.
Second Alaskan: Yes, that's too bad, how long do they figure he'll be in the hospital?
First Alaskan: Hospital? Who said anything about a hospital?

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Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals--you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take-off."
"That's baloney", says Bruce.
"Yeah," Lloyd agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn't afraid to take off."
"Yeah," said Bruce, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said "Where are we?"
Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say, about a hundred yards further than last year."
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Two Lower48ers are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes along and says "Hey, you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier."
The two hunters say "Hey, good idea!" So they start dragging it the other way.
About two hours later one outsider looks at the other and says "Hey, this was a good idea, it is easier this way."
The other outsider says, "Yeah, but we keep getting further away from the truck."
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George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.
"Geez, Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.
"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU GOTTA KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"

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Here are a few Alaskan terms:

Cheechako: Anyone new to Alaska.
Sourdough: Anyone old to Alaska.
Cache (cash): A very small, food storage cabin - elevated out of reach of animals and your kids.
Ice Worm: Small, very tiny worms that actually live in glacial ice.
Bear Insurance: Guns: 44 magnum, 12 gauge shotgun, high caliber rifle or small, handheld nuclear weapon.
Bear Insurance #2: It's the best protection of all...always be with someone you can outrun.
Permanent Fund: Money from the state for living in Alaska.
Tin Dog: Snowmobile, Ski-Doo
Alaskan Sneakers: Waders - leg, hip, or chest waders.
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Sourdough, complaining: "Awwwh, there is so much we must do without in Alaska; we must do without freeways, snakes, scorpions, tornados, hurricanes, cockroaches, poison ivy and poison oak, a state sales tax, a state income tax, alligators, black widow spiders,.........


Tom