Captain Tom (not me, the other one) sends me a lot of jokes and humorous anecdotes. Perhaps in remembrance of St Patrick’s Day he recently forwarded several wonderful bits of Irish humor, a few of which do not include alcohol or violence (which makes them nearly unique). So here are a few Post St Patrick Day Jokes this Week.
I will start with one of my favorite jokes, better told while drinking but funny enough to read.
An Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits beside him.
He says ‘how you do’ and hearing the lilt in his voice the first man says ‘You be Irish?’
‘Sure and I am.’
The first man yells ‘Barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here; he's from the mother country as well.’
The second man asks- ‘So where in the old country ye from’?
‘Dublin’ responds the first.
‘Dublin you say - so am I’ and the second man hollers ‘barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish whiskey for me and my friend here.’
After they share a drink the first man asks ‘from where in Dublin’ and the second man responds with the street and the first man says ‘well I'll be - so am I’ and yells barkeep ‘a pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.’
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks – ‘how is business’.
The barkeep responds – ‘Not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.’
=====================
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
………………………….
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Has the house have all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...it’s is too good to part with."
##################
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Irish humor often has a fondness for ridiculous logic.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter.
----------------------
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About 2 hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time
between New Year's to Christmas!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And where would Irish humor be without a few pokes at religion? They would be about as humorous as the Germans, that’s where.
Father Murphy walks into a pub and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man says, "I do, Father."
The priest says, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then he asks a second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replies.
"Then stand over there against the wall," the priest says.
Then he walks up to O'Toole and asks, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole says, "No, I don't, Father."
The priest says, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole says, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," the priest says.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" Gallagher asked. "They say I died!"
"Yes, I saw it!" Finney replied. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Good Old JOW
I have a few more or less standard topics that are always good for a JOW. Last week I used dogs – pets are always good for a chuckle. This week I am using older people as a basis for my humor. After all I personally know several people who are eligible for social security and several more (one of whom is named Dick) who will soon hit that magic age 62 where you can live on the generous government dole and will no longer have to work. ;^)
We all know that social security has a problem with so many of us living to be so old so in order to prevent social security from going broke the government they now advocating that all Americans forsake wimpy things like flu shots and start living large – they want us go out early in a blaze of glory. Face it, more deaths of old people will mean a lower tax burden for the living. To encourage this, Social Security checks will soon be provided as vouchers for liquor stores, and tobacco products or certificates for hang gliding, bungee jumping, tattoo parlors, and non-Harley Davidson motorcycles.
As a new government advertisement puts it: “Would you rather die old, broke, and forgotten, or die a legend with a body you would not be ashamed to show in an open casket.”
I, for one prefer that plan to that of the previous administration that just sat back and waited for an influenza epidemic to take care of the surplus old folks.
At any rate, here are some Good Old Jokes.
Martha is a good source of ‘old jokes’ Here are some of hers:
When I woke up this morning I lifted my arms.
They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I moved my knees. They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I turned my neck. It went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
Conclusion: I am not old, I'm crispy
=====================
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's kids.
• A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
• Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
• They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
• Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
• When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
• It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
---------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,'
She replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked,
"Which one should have this present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything Mom asks?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The young granddaughter called to wish her Granddaddy Happy Birthday. She asked him how old he was, and he told her he was 62.
The little girl was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, "Did you start at 1?
We all know that social security has a problem with so many of us living to be so old so in order to prevent social security from going broke the government they now advocating that all Americans forsake wimpy things like flu shots and start living large – they want us go out early in a blaze of glory. Face it, more deaths of old people will mean a lower tax burden for the living. To encourage this, Social Security checks will soon be provided as vouchers for liquor stores, and tobacco products or certificates for hang gliding, bungee jumping, tattoo parlors, and non-Harley Davidson motorcycles.
As a new government advertisement puts it: “Would you rather die old, broke, and forgotten, or die a legend with a body you would not be ashamed to show in an open casket.”
I, for one prefer that plan to that of the previous administration that just sat back and waited for an influenza epidemic to take care of the surplus old folks.
At any rate, here are some Good Old Jokes.
Martha is a good source of ‘old jokes’ Here are some of hers:
When I woke up this morning I lifted my arms.
They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I moved my knees. They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I turned my neck. It went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
Conclusion: I am not old, I'm crispy
=====================
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's kids.
• A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
• Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
• They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
• Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
• When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
• It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
---------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,'
She replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked,
"Which one should have this present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything Mom asks?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The young granddaughter called to wish her Granddaddy Happy Birthday. She asked him how old he was, and he told her he was 62.
The little girl was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, "Did you start at 1?
Monday, March 12, 2012
Bow Wow JOW
This is JOW #600. Since Ruth has been doing some training of service dogs, I have decided to devote my Joke this Week to the wonderful world of dogs.
Life lessons learned from a dog
• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a big greeting.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
===================
"On Judgment Day if God should say, "Did you clean your house today?"
I hope I can say, "I did not, I played with my dogs and I forgot."
-----------------------------------
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A minister paid a visit to a couple who had just moved into town. As he knocked on the door a large dog bounded up and as the door opened, pushed his way in. The couple seemed nervous at meeting the minister and did not say much but only smiled faintly; the dog, however enthusiastically bounded around the room, knocking things over and generally making a mess. The couple did nothing to restrain the animal. Finally, the mutt began pulling at the minister’s pants leg.
The minister could stand it no longer. “Would you please put your dog out?”
The new couple looked at one another and then at him. “Our dog? We thought it was your dog.”
……………………………
Haiku is about the only poetry I can handle; here are some dog-based examples
"Dog Haiku"
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Dog prayers -
• Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
• Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
• Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
• Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
A dog ‘bar joke’
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And to close out my Doggie Style JOW….
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, fool dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read it without the word dog
Tom
Life lessons learned from a dog
• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a big greeting.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
===================
"On Judgment Day if God should say, "Did you clean your house today?"
I hope I can say, "I did not, I played with my dogs and I forgot."
-----------------------------------
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A minister paid a visit to a couple who had just moved into town. As he knocked on the door a large dog bounded up and as the door opened, pushed his way in. The couple seemed nervous at meeting the minister and did not say much but only smiled faintly; the dog, however enthusiastically bounded around the room, knocking things over and generally making a mess. The couple did nothing to restrain the animal. Finally, the mutt began pulling at the minister’s pants leg.
The minister could stand it no longer. “Would you please put your dog out?”
The new couple looked at one another and then at him. “Our dog? We thought it was your dog.”
……………………………
Haiku is about the only poetry I can handle; here are some dog-based examples
"Dog Haiku"
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Dog prayers -
• Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
• Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
• Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
• Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
A dog ‘bar joke’
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And to close out my Doggie Style JOW….
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, fool dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read it without the word dog
Tom
Monday, March 5, 2012
Regional JOW
Springtime is my favorite time in Texas; the weather is pleasant, trees are sending out green shoots, wildflowers begin their slow fireworks displays and the initial vanguards of robins begin passing through on their way north. But spring is not an especially funny season, so I have just have a few regional jokes passed on to me by others.
This bit of irony is from Charles
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because they may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
----------------------
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.
The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”
**********************
Judge to defendant: “Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?”
Defendant: “No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The other Captain Tom provided these insights into these southern United States
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they yelled.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry."
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back."
Tennessee
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into
the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," the guy replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here.. 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
Tom
This bit of irony is from Charles
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because they may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
----------------------
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.
The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”
**********************
Judge to defendant: “Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?”
Defendant: “No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The other Captain Tom provided these insights into these southern United States
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they yelled.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry."
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back."
Tennessee
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into
the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," the guy replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here.. 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
Tom
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