My jokes started with a bit about churches
getting rid of squirrels. That led me
into a couple of Virgin Mary jokes which let to parents in general. I also threw in a nun joke and one off-topic
joke to wrap things up. This is the way
my mind relates all the odd little things running around inside my brain. Sometimes it gets pretty strange in
there. I live in my own little world. But it’s okay. They know me there.
Here are my jokes for this week; note that in
twelve short weeks I will reach JOW #1000.
This will be a monument to sustained mediocrity.
=======================
Squirrels became a problem in a small town,
infesting all the houses of worship.
The local Presbyterian church called a meeting
to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and discussion they concluded that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels took an
interest in the baptistery. The deacons
met and decide to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels
drown themselves. Unfortunately, the
squirrels knew how to swim and liked the slide so twice as many squirrels
showed up the following week.
The Episcopalians decided they did not want to
harm any of God’s creatures so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set
them free – right next to the Baptist church.
This worked well for two weeks until the Baptists took down the water
slide and the squirrels came right back.
The Methodist church set out pans of whiskey
around the places were the squirrels were getting in in an effort to kill the
squirrels with alcohol. They sadly
learned how much damage a pack of drunken squirrels can do.
The Catholic church had a more effective
measure. They captured the squirrels, baptized them, and made them members of
the congregation. Now they only see them
on Christmas and Easter.
The Jewish synagogue did not have any problem
with the squirrels. They took the first
squirrel they found and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Some ‘Mary jokes’
On a cold winter’s day Mary looked out at the
precipitation. Not wanting to expose
baby Jesus to the elements she turned to Joseph and asked “Pray tell me if that
is sleet, husband.”
Joseph looked out the window and said, (for
the very first time) “Hail, Mary.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all remember the scene in the Gospels. A woman caught in adultery was about to be
stoned when Jesus stepped in with the words, “He who is without sin cast the
first stone.”
There was a pause and the crowd began to
filter away when, suddenly, a stone arced out of the crowd toward the woman.
Jesus looked exasperated and called out, “Not
including you Mom.”
(You kinda need to understand Catholic dogma
to get those jokes.)
Which leads to Things my Parents
taught me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A
JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each
other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you
something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science
of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your
supper."
9. My mother taught me about
CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the
back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that
okra is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you
a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF
LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and
I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR
MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your
father!"
15. My mother taught me about
ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
16 . My mother taught me MEDICAL
SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
17. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you
think I know when you are cold?"
18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
19. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
20. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll
understand.
21. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you!"
++++++++++
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had
gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were
a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their
car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn’t have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but you sure have faith!"
And finally
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn’t have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but you sure have faith!"
And finally
Me: “It is not how often you fall but how
often you get back up.”
Cop: “That is not how field sobriety tests
work.”