In addition to a few jokes this JOW is also an invitation to come to my home on Saturday, October 30 for the resumption of the annual Pinney Chili Cook-off birthday celebration and general get together. It is an opportunity for friends, acquaintances, and perfect strangers to get together for good food and conversation. Although the theme is based around chili con carne and there will be a variety of samples of this most protein of dishes, it is not necessary to bring any to enjoy the day. The event will start sometime after noon and will go on until well after dark. Once you hit 60, “after dark” is the equivalent of “into the wee small hours.”
I had the opportunity to visit with my charming and lovely granddaughters, aged 3 & 5 this past weekend. (Photos are available upon request.) They gave me the idea of having a kid raising JOW.
=======================================
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ``no.'' The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ``Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't get upset. It won't be long.''
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to sob. The mother said, ``Please, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.''
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, ``Ellen, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.''
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. ``I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...''
The mother broke in, ``My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.''
-------------
Here are some observations about children and bringing them up.
*For adult education, nothing beats children.
*A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
*God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once. And we have guilt because mothers can’t be everywhere at once.
*Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
*There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
*Never ask a 3-year-old to hold a tomato.
*A 4-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
*If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.
*Lego's will safely pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
*Super glue is forever.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Toddler's Creed (by Collette @ gte.net)
If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it's mine.
………………………………….
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time?'"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"
===========================
Finally, I came across this scholarly article in one of Ruth’s medical journals. It seems that scientific medicine has discovered yet another medical condition:
Childhood Syndrome
Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to ``short, noisy creatures,'' who may well have been what we now call ``children.'' The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this century, when so-called ``child psychologists'' and ``child psychiatrists'' became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.
Causes of Childhood
Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below. Sociological Model Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about children:
the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.
In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grade education. Clearly, children are an ``out-group.'' Because of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhoodism that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1938) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.
Biological Model
The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1959) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1910) indicate that family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have childhood. Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well.
Psychological Models
A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's ``learned childishness'' model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Barney (1993) has called ``childhood'' an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labeling them ``children.''
Treatment of Childhood
Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: ``There's a child born every minute.''
The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called ``public schools.'' Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a ``kindergarten'' program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature, and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting). Unfortunately, the ``school'' system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood. Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical interventions. By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following case (taken from Gumbie & Pokey 1967) is typical.
After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1942) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1939) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years. At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls. The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly, & Shemp, 1943) assessed the original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the ``metric system'' (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1958). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood.
Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Jumbo JOW
Some of my JOW readers can remember when I was, for want of a better word, skinny. Those days are long gone ─ I've really put on the pounds. Keeping weight off is like holding a beach ball underwater ─ it takes constant effort. I've gone from pinch-an-inch to rub-a-tub. I think all tend to get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
You know you need to do something about your weight when you board an airplane and the flight attendant designates your gut as carry-on luggage. I had a doctor tell me eating right doesn't have to be complicated. He said just think in colors; fill your plate with bright colors... greens, yellows, reds, etc.
So I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&Ms while writing up this JOW.
An overweight blonde went to her doctor. He advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor`s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky extra pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "Now that I am 300 miles away, how do I get home?"
Here is a non-fat joke from Martha:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
……………………………..
The news about being fat is not all bad─ it is documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This will enable you to someday spend an additional 5 months drooling in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
+++++++++++++++
An exciting new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits. Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report. Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
-------------------------------------------------
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.
Thos. Pinney
You know you need to do something about your weight when you board an airplane and the flight attendant designates your gut as carry-on luggage. I had a doctor tell me eating right doesn't have to be complicated. He said just think in colors; fill your plate with bright colors... greens, yellows, reds, etc.
So I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&Ms while writing up this JOW.
An overweight blonde went to her doctor. He advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor`s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky extra pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "Now that I am 300 miles away, how do I get home?"
Here is a non-fat joke from Martha:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
……………………………..
The news about being fat is not all bad─ it is documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This will enable you to someday spend an additional 5 months drooling in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
+++++++++++++++
An exciting new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits. Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report. Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
-------------------------------------------------
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Auto JOW
Do you realize that if all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend... That is just the start of my automotively-themed jokes this week. Enjoy
So many people just don’t pay attention on the road these days. The other morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
………………………………..
A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
_________________________
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her in the head.”
"Then this Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
Here are some things you should NOT say to the policeman who has pulled you over.
• Here, hold my beer while I look for my license
• Are you the guy from the Village People?
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
• Bad cop! No doughnut!
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
• So, uh, you on the take or what?
A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the local cafe one morning.
'Do you realize,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'
'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'
'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'
'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'
'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My wife has a Mercedes; nice car but it is starting to have little mechanical problems. It started going "Her-hick, her-hick, her-hick!" I had to take it to a Mercedes mechanic to find out that's German for "Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!" They fixed the problem: the sound is now Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Mercedes mechanics are so rich they wear overalls with alligators on the pocket. When they hand you your repair bill they wear ski masks.
====================
Boudreaux was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Boudreaux forced the oncoming car to slow down shouted 'Pig out the window. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Boudreaux.
Then his car hit the pig.
So many people just don’t pay attention on the road these days. The other morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
………………………………..
A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
_________________________
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her in the head.”
"Then this Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
Here are some things you should NOT say to the policeman who has pulled you over.
• Here, hold my beer while I look for my license
• Are you the guy from the Village People?
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
• Bad cop! No doughnut!
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
• So, uh, you on the take or what?
A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the local cafe one morning.
'Do you realize,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'
'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'
'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'
'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'
'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My wife has a Mercedes; nice car but it is starting to have little mechanical problems. It started going "Her-hick, her-hick, her-hick!" I had to take it to a Mercedes mechanic to find out that's German for "Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!" They fixed the problem: the sound is now Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Mercedes mechanics are so rich they wear overalls with alligators on the pocket. When they hand you your repair bill they wear ski masks.
====================
Boudreaux was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Boudreaux forced the oncoming car to slow down shouted 'Pig out the window. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Boudreaux.
Then his car hit the pig.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tardy JOW
One problem with working at home is that you sometimes lose track of the days. I just looked up and, holy cow, (not the Chick Filet ones) it is Friday and I haven’t entertained my faithful JOW crowd. So here are a few jokes for you to enjoy over the weekend.
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me a medical term for that so I can tell my wife."
+++++++++++++++
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Denver. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed a moment later by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap my boss all at the same time!"
*******************
A backwoods family made their first visit to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching an older lady walked up to the silver walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the old lady stepped into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
……………………
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation looking absolutely fabulous and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."
_______________________
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me a medical term for that so I can tell my wife."
+++++++++++++++
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Denver. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed a moment later by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap my boss all at the same time!"
*******************
A backwoods family made their first visit to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching an older lady walked up to the silver walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the old lady stepped into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
……………………
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation looking absolutely fabulous and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."
_______________________
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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