Do you know what I am going to get from Christmas? Fat – that is what I am going to get.
We really shouldn’t make fun of fat people. They have enough on their plate as it is. Besides, I am pretty much there myself. I have still have a six pack, though. It is protected by a thick layer of fat, but it is there. As you can probably tell, my theme this week is a weighty one. I don't normally make fat jokes because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience. But here are a few
·
Why can’t we
donate fat like we do blood?
·
If you are what
you eat, I think I need to eat a skinny person.
·
I have tried
losing weight, but it always finds me again.
·
The fat psychic
became a large instead of a medium.
· Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
So was at a bar last night
and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater".
I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your
shirt."
She interrupted me before
I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to
make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my
weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said, "That's actually not what I was going
to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face.
"What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."
A man went to a pub last
night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table
He said "Nice
legs"
The girl giggled and
smiled and said "Do you really think so?"
"Yeah definitely, most tables would've collapsed by now"
As an American, I am
deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat
idiots- then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making
Twinkies.
Fat riddles
What do you call a fat
bee?
Chub-bee!
What do you call an even fatter bee?
O-bees!
What was the name of that
fat man who was knighted?
I believe it was Sir
Cumference
What do you call two fat
people having a chat?
A heavy discussion
Why are there no fat
painters?
Because they all went to
the paint store to get thinner
What did the Avocado say
to itself in the mirror?
You are 'fat' but you are
'good fat'
=====
So when Aphrodite sprawls
out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."
But when I do it,
supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the
aquarium."
A woman noticed her
husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s
not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A short, ugly, fat man
approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...
He says to her:
"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy
on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."
She flatly tells him: "No. Go away. I'm not interested"
But the man persists. He tells her: "But wait! I'm a smart guy with a
great job, a nice house, and a new BMW outside!"
Once again the beautiful woman rejects him saying: "Listen creep, I said
no. Now leave me alone."
The man is discouraged, but he saved the best for last. He tells the woman:
"Okay fine, I'll leave you alone, but you should know this last bit. I'm an
only-child and my ill father is my only family. You see, he is going on 80
years of age, and his will leaves his entire $500 million dollar fortune to
me!"
The woman's eyes widen with intrigue and a coy smile strikes her face.
"Well sir," she now says flirtatiously, "I think I'll have that
drink. Do tell me more!"
Now, after this great success, do you know what that short, ugly, fat man had
nine months later?
A new step-mom.
Brandon was walking around
at the carnival. A man called out from a booth and said, “If I can write your
exact weight on this piece of paper, you have to pay me $50. If I can’t do it,
I’ll pay you $50.” Brandon checked the booth for a scale but saw nothing, so he
agreed. Since your weight can fluctuate by a pound or two, he decided that no
matter what number the man wrote, he would just say he weighed a pound more or
less. In the end, the man in the booth won the $50. How did he do it?
The man in the booth wrote
the words, “Your exact weight” on the piece of paper.