Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Old Memorial JOW #866



I started writing my JOW with a theme of the ‘wisdom’ of older people.  Then I got to thinking about Memorial Day and military stuff, so I threw some a few jokes about the US Navy (backbone of our nation’s defence) in there as well.  I hope these entertain.

From Bill
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Mike, “That'll be us in ten years."
 He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb shit."

Age-related thoughts:
·         Age gets better with wine
·         I don’t always drink beer.  But when I do, I tend to pee a lot.
·         I have reached the age where my brain goes, ‘you probably shouldn’t say that’, to ‘let’s see what the hell happens.
·         If you haven’t grown up by 60 you don’t have to.
·         I have reached the age where an ‘all-nighter’ means not having to get up to go to the bathroom.
·         Think old and you will be old.  Think young and you will be a delusional old fart.
·         I used to want to be older, but this s#1t is not what I expected.
·         I hate it when I see some old fart and then realize we went to high school together.
·         The idea is to die young…  as late as possible
·         Bad decisions make good stories.
·         How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
·         Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

From Pat
How the cow ate the cabbage” is an old folk saying of the southern US, most often heard in Texas and Arkansas, and probably dates back to at least the 1940s. It comes from the punchline to a joke that would, in that period, have been considered at least slightly “off-color.
Here goes:
A circus had arrived in a small town, and one morning one of the elephants managed to escape. The fugitive pachyderm made its way to the backyard garden of an elderly (and very near-sighted) woman, where it began hungrily uprooting her cabbages with its trunk and eating them. Alarmed by the apparition in her garden, the woman called the police, saying, “Sheriff, there’s a big cow in my garden pulling up my cabbages with its tail!”
“What’s the cow doing with them?” he asked, to which the woman replied,
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!”
***********************
Two old friends, one a Marine and one a Sailor meet up in a bar one day (I know it may be hard to imagine either a Sailor or a Marine being in a bar, but hear the tale). They began to discuss which of them had had the toughest career.
The retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant begins: After I graduated from High School, the next morning I was on the train for Parris Island, South Carolina. Following Boot Camp, I found myself in a Regiment assigned to Iraq. I did four tours over there.  When I wasn’t fighting in Iraq, I was over in Afghanistan.  I did five tours in that God-forsaken place.
The Navy Chief looked him in the eye and took a long draw on his bottle of beer and snorted: “Well, it figures - all shore duty.”

-------------------------------
Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.  Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.  Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."  He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.  Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...
"How much for a season pass?"

Three random thoughts:
·         I think the freezer deserves a light as well
·         If you think you did something stupid, just remember people have tried to print YouTube videos.
·         Police are asking the public to ‘Romaine’ calm after $5000 lettuce theft.

I have been getting into cooking lately.  For example, I recently made Ruth a pureed nut spread with a grape reduction paired with a brioche bun.  Okay, it was a PB&J.  Maybe I should be writing menus for fancy New Orleans restaurants.  
``````````````````````
Finally, some of you may remember the old advice column in the newspaper. (Some of you Millennials may not even remember newspapers.)  The advice columns were early forms of Social Media. And people were just as stupid and clueless then as they are now.
Some old reputed questions from the old Dear Abby advice column.
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

AND NOW FOR THE CLASSIC

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the child carrying is his.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Lawful JOW #865



While doing our duty out here at the nether end of nowhere it is always nice to get emails and posting from home.  Bill has been especially kind; most of these jokes are provided by him.  This Memorial Day weekend Ruth and I will be off to Flagstaff, gateway to Grand Canyon.  Ruth also says there is a lot to do there.  A lot more than poor, little Chinle Arizona; these things are relative. 
Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend – Gateway to Summer.  And I hope you enjoy these little bits of humor.

Laws we learn as we grow older

Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
And the related:
Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 Law of Observation 
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.


Variation Law 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath 
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
 

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


Law of the Result 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
 

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
 
The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


Gym’s Law
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

 Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


Law of Women’s Footwear aka Tiffany’s Lay
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

 Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like or the store will stop selling it!


Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

$$$$$$$$$$$$
An Arab Sheikh was admitted to a hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
 Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 U.S. dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
 A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who this time was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of of chocolates.
 The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be more generous than that... last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a lousy box of chocolates?"
To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"


Two quick riddles
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
A: Diddly-squats.

Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
 A: A condescending con descending.

**************
‘Son, if you could be anything in the world, the sky's the limit, what would you be?’
‘I want to be an astronaut!’
‘Hey! I said the sky's the limit!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a newspaper headline about a tightrope walker walking across the river Han in Korea. The headline went -
"Skywalker Crosses Han Solo"

·         I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.  If anything, it made him more sluggish.
·         I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
·         To whoever took my Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.
·         A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
·         I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
·         Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
·         Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Let’s end with a good old fashioned knock-knock joke
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Isabella."
"Isabella who?"
"Isabella broken? I kept pressing it but finally had to knock."