Where there's a Will JOW #970

I generally don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.  However, I have been bombarded by countless news reports, all breathlessly talking about the Mueller investigation.  There has been so much speculation that the release of the report has caused the collapse of the Mueller-Industrial Complex. I have heard the name ‘Mueller’ so often that I am reminded of the scene in ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ where his teacher is droning out the name “Bueller… Bueller?”  Of course, the report will be hailed as vindication of their previous positions by both sides, each scrambling to cherry-pick elements that support their prior stances.  Why don’t the Democrats investigate something that would be easier to prove, like the fact that Trump sometimes behaves like a real jerk?  This actually is the continuation of a long history of political absurdity in the United States. 

Will Rodgers was a great observer of the human condition.  He was particularly insightful when he spoke about politicians.  These are quotes are just as valid as they were 80 years ago.

·         Everything is changing.  People are taking their comedians seriously and their politicians as a joke.

·         Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

·         I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

·         I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

·         Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

·         Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

·         About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

·         A fool and his money are soon elected.

·         The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

·         "This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation."

·         "If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics" 

·         "Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees."

And two more of Will’s quotes about lawyers, just because.

·         Make crime pay.  Become a lawyer.

·         The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

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When an old soldier came to the clinic for his first MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. Looking at the older technician, the old boy asked, “How long was I in there for?”

Another ‘old' joke

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.
Some random thoughts:

·         No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

·         Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

·         A home DNA test does not make a good gift at a baby shower.

And finally

There is an expression of disbelief, common in the armed forces that goes way back.  It just so happens to have originated through the father of our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. 

 It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.   Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. 

 Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. 

 Then Corporal Peters slipped and he and his lantern fell into the Delaware. 

 Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.  

 Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.   Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' 

 They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.   What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.   General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. 

 Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'  

 Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well General, you have come to the right place.   We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?

Washington replied, 'Well Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.' 

 And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.' 

Admissions JOW #969

Recent allegations of parents bribing prestigious universities to accept their children have been widely reported.  Wealthy parents feel an urgency to ensure that their children attend a top school so they can get a proper Marxist indoctrination and then enter the big bucks world of Art History and Gender Studies.  Personally, if I was going to pay a six figure bribe to get my kid into a school, it better be to Hogwarts.

The FBI called the investigation "Operation Varsity Blues: I guess they're are like, 'Hey, even though we're the FBI, we still know how to have a good time,'

>>>>>>>>>> 

As reports broke that actress Lori Loughlin was one of dozens of people charged by the FBI in an elite college admission scheme, many Twitter users began sharing jokes in reference to the former “Full House” star’s character: Aunt Becky. Why did she have to spend money to get her kids in? I mean, what college admissions committee in their right mind wasn't already admitting Aunt Becky's children?  I am sure that Aunt Becky is actually innocent and is taking the fall for Uncle Jesse.

+++++++

All the people involved in this college scam should have just gathered their money and started a small elite college where Lori Loughlin teaches a class on smiling,

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You can bribe to get good test grades, and bribe the administrators to get your kid in to college, but at some point people are going to figure out that your kid is stupid. They’ll be in class waving money at the teacher and going - ‘Well, according to “President Franklin” here, the square root of 81 is 8.

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I have a degree from USC – who has the best football team money can buy – and they have been deeply connected with the scandal.  People have been sending them photos of their Golden Retrievers pitching them as possible recruits for the water polo team.  Hey, I think it is a fetching idea.  I can imagine the admission letter:

Dear USC admissions Department,
My dog is very talented and if you admit him I can make it worth your while. {wink, wink, nudge}

<<<<<<<<< 

Some other academic entry-level jokes

Thank you student loans for getting me through college... I don't think I can ever pay you back.

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The admissions departments at Bates and Vassar Colleges have compiled a list of bloopers from their admissions essays:

·         If there was a single word to describe me that word would be ‘profectionist.’

·         I was abducted into the National Honor Society.

·         In my senior year I am serving as writting editor of the yearbook.

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There is a story that the son of a famous actor responded to the question “Why Yale?” on his entrance essay with “Dear Yale, you’re great.  There is no need to fish for complements.”

And on an essay for Harvard entry another student was asked to demonstrate bravery in 500 words or less.  He wrote “Go Yale.”

They both got in.

Enough with mocking higher education.  Here are a couple of unrelated jokes I like.

The church held a "Marriage Seminar" and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 40th anniversary."
The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied "I'm gonna go and bring her back"

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 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has   passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"   "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Geezer JOW #968

My jokes today are from and about geezers.  This is a rich field of humor and, since I am rapidly approaching Geezerhood, one that I can exploit without fear of offense.  Besides, if you do offend an old person it’s okay as they will forget about it pretty quickly anyway. 

First I have a joke from Tor that Ruth and I enjoyed.

My wife, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle.

I rode on.  Ruthlessly.  

I am always glad to get some JOW fodder.  These are from Dianne

·         I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

·         Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.  

·         You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

·         Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

·         Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.”

·         The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.  

·         The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

·         Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

·         The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

·         Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

·         Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

And Dianne can be a bit of a wiseass, too. 

I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.

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When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!

Here is a topical joke from Bill

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So, he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. 

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" 

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." 

Dr. Young: “Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500." 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). 

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." 

 *Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

And finally, a joke that you have to be a Geezer to understand.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then an actor when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

No Respect JOW #967

Ruth and I celebrated our 29<sup>th</sup> Anniversary this Sunday.  I read in a book you should treat your wife like you treated her when you were dating.  So after a good meal I took her back to her mother’s house.

As for jokes this week, John provided some one liners from the late great Rodney Dangerfield.  Not only did he have great comedic timing he also wrote tons and tons of hilarious self-depreciating jokes.  Here are a few samples to start of my JOW.

·         With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"  He told me to run off a cliff. 

·         I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

·         My wife and I were happy for 25 years.  Then we met. 

·         It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! 

·         Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

·         The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

·         A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! 

·         A hooker once told me she had a headache

·         My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

·         My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. 

·         My wife is such a bad cook.  In my house we pray after the meal. 

·         My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

·         When I played in the sandbox the cat tried to bury me.

·         I told my psychiatrist everybody hates me.  He said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.  Everybody hasn’t met you.”

·          It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

·         I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born 

·         I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

·         I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. 

·         I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

·         I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. 

·         I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet 

·         When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

·          I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

·         Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

·         My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

·         I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

·         I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 

·         One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

I received this report from an old friend of mine who shall remain nameless.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.  So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a handgun for home/personal protection. 

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,   "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.  I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

 As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
 I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.

 I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

And finally, one that Woody passed on:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'