Jewish JOW #907

So I am back from my pilgrimage to the Holy Land, limping and damaged but enlightened.  While there I had a good taste of Jewish culture; tastes like hummus.  Actually I love Jewish humor.  So here are a few definitely Jewish jokes that I enjoy.

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

Which brings to mind this one:

Two old retired friends, Father Pat and Rabbi Moshe were relaxing on the beach together as was their custom.  Moshe had just finished telling Pat about his many grandchildren when the subject of bacon came up.

“Bacon is wonderful, Moshe.  You should try some.”

“Now, Pat, you know I don’t eat bacon.”

“Have you ever tried it?”

There was a long pause before Moshe replied.  “Once, long ago, I was wild and rebellious.  And yes, I ate bacon.” 

“Did you like it?”

“I admit it was delicious.”

There was another pause then Moshe asked his friend, “Father Pat, have you ever been with a woman?”

Pat sighed.  “Long ago, before I took my vows, I was very much in love with Bridget.  And yes, before we separated forever, we did make love, wild, passionate love.”

“It’s better than bacon, isn’t it?”

```````````````````````````````````````````

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.  "How was your summer?" asks bee number one.  "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea.  "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. 

"Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer.  "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

--------------------------------

An Englishman in New York stopped at a window in the middle of which stood one lone clock. 
The Englishman went inside. “Hello!” he sang out. 

From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap. 
“Would you please inspect this watch?” The Englishman asked. “Tell me whether it needs...”
“Why are you asking me? “asked the bearded one. 
“Aren't you a jeweler? “
“No. I'm a moyl. “
“A what? “
“A moyl. I make circumcisions”
“Good Lord!” exclaimed the Englishman. “But why do you have a clock in your window?” 
“Mister,” sighed the moyl, “what would you put in the window?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: “Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?” 
Mother: “Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.”
Harry: “Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...”
Mother: “Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.”
Harry: “Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come. 
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!”
Harry: “I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!”
Mother: “Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.” 
 Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps. 
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé. 
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. 
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." 
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" 
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. 
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide. 
Later, the mother asks "So how did it go?" 
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

====================

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me..... and I don't want to remind Him."

Childish JOW #906

I try to put out a JOW each week, so if you don’t receive one for a couple of weeks, let me know.  Next week will be in exception.  I will be going to the Holy Land for twelve days where I will be visiting Israel and Jordon.  I am not going to take a computer with me and I refuse to use my little phone for sending and receiving emails, so there will be no way to post anything.  By the way, if you ever need to use any of the jokes that I send, I have been posting them online since 2008 at thospinneyjow.blogspot.com.

Look for my jokes again the week of 19 March.

Some ’kid logic jokes’

Teacher: “How old is your father?”

Kid: “Five years.”

Teacher: “That’s impossible.”
Kid: “Well, he wasn’t a father until I was born.”

>>>>>>>>>> 

Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.”

Maria: “Here it is.”

Teacher: “Very good.  Now class, who discovered America?”
Class” “Maria.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Teacher: Glen, how do you spell crocodile?”

Glen: “k r o k o d I a l

Teacher: “That is not right.”

Glen: “Maybe.  But you asked me how I spell it.”

And speaking of children

The sweet old lady was looking at her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and even great-great grandchildren when she started giggling.  When asked what was so funny, she replied, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A first grade teacher provided her class with a list of the first half of well-known proverbs and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  Perhaps they did not know their proverbs but some of the answers showed a lot of insight.

Strike while the                                               bug is close

It’s always darkest before                   Daylight Savings Time

Don’t bite the hand that                     is dirty

A miss is as good as a                                     mister

You can’t teach and old dog               new math

An idle mind is                                                the best way to relax

Where there’s smoke there’s             pollution

Happy is the bride who                                   gets all the presents

Two’s company, three’s                                  the Musketeers

There are none so blind as                 Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not        spanked or put in time out

A bird in the hand                               is going to poop on you

Don’t change horses                           until they stop running

More grammar jokes!  These are from Mary Ellen:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. (I had to look that one up.)

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.  (I have a story about ‘comma wars’)

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

This is one of my favorite jokes.

Sebastian is the owner of a big furniture brand, in the mid-west arrived in Barcelona on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a gorgeous young lady. However, she only spoke Spanish and he only spoke English, so each couldn’t understand a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. Beautiful girl smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew an image of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she understood, so they went to dinner.

After dinner, Sebastian sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a spectacular evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. Sebastian was completely amazed. To this very day, he still doesn’t know how she guessed that he sold furniture!

Which reminded me of this one:

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I meet one of the handsome young doctors here, I end up dating him, and then wind up having sex with him.  Afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve so you don’t do that anymore.”

“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”