This is a remote JOW as we are on a vacation in Durango. On our long drive up to the Rocky Mountains we covered a lot of ground. If the number of signs we saw in yard is any indicator, “Trump/Pence” is in first place in the campaign. “Firewood for sale” is in second place. But my favorite sign was outside a wine bar: “Covid 19 Notice. We are limited to 50% capacity. If you cannot drink twice as much as the average drinker, please give up your place to a skilled professional.”
Many thanks to Dick for giving me the genesis of some more word humor. I wish I had the following ‘jokes’ to help me understand parts of speech, rules of grammar, and punctuation, (such as the Oxford comma). I understood most of these but admit I did not even know what a ‘chiasmus’ was.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
Some alternative definitions.
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
Proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
Which led to some Anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION :
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO :
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW :
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
A final word joke
Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. “Past tense.”
~~~~~~~~~~`
Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist. When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat. “Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.” “ANNE!” Screamed her Mom, aghast,” I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?! HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR FATHER!!!”
+++++++
One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.”
And in conclusion
I was in a pet store picking up some pet food for my dog when I overheard the following conversation. A cute girl peaks over the counter and politely asks the sales representative. “I’m interested in buying a rabbit.”
“Oh, sure we’ve got lots of rabbits” gushed the motherly sales representative.
“Do you have any specific color in mind? We’ve got some adorable white Bunnies down this isle.” The lady exclaimed.
“Oh” said the cute girl with a wave of her hand, “I
really don’t think my boa constrictor would care about what color it is!”
