Christmas Eve JOW #641

Merry Christmas to all of my JOW sufferers – I hope you all have a peaceful and joyous Christmas and that you all enjoy the holidays between Yule and New Years.    

I was very lucky this year in having JOW readers provide me with gifts of humor for this Christmas Eve JOW.   I have started with some seasonal humor first however. 

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Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize the chaos that would ensue if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Three holiday observations

·         No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

·         No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set unless it is broken.  In that case you can’t beat it.

·         Did you hear about the man who shoplifted a calendar?  He got twelve months.

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Three Christmas riddles-

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

What do you get if you cross an archer with a gift wrapper?

Ribbon Hood

What did the snowman and his wife hang over their baby’s crib?

A snow mobile

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offence", said the judge.
"It is if you do it before the shop opened", countered the prisoner.

John and Susan sent me an informative update on the status of the British Order of Occupational Bombers (BOOM) in Great Britain:

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
              The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% in December from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
               Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
                Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
                  According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings may be attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

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Finally a list of attempts at employment:

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned; couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

Well Seasoned JOW #640

            In case you haven’t noticed, the Christmas season is upon us.  I kind of like it; well parts of it.  I enjoy the cooler weather, the festive lights, the bustling activity, the dinners and parties and exchanging simple small gifts with friends and family.  I do not like the heavy traffic, the incessant over-commercialization, and my own personal teeth-gnashing pet peeve: drivers who stop in parking lots lanes and wait for people who are walking to their car, packages in hand in expectation of taking the spot when they pull out.  Of course the people departing always take their own sweet time while the individual waiting blocks the traffic lane, all to get a parking spot a little closer to the stores.  

            We didn’t really go for a big tree for Christmas.  In fact we went to a cut-rate tree lot; the salesman's opening line was: "You're not a cop, are you?" Our tree looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.  It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.  There are rabbis with a better Christmas tree than us.  But it does suffice.  Here are some seasonal jokes for your amusement.

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Bubba asked his girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas.

She smiled coyly and said, "I’d love it if you’d buy me a mink."  

Bubba thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."  

"What is that?" she asked. 

"You'll have to clean the cage," he replied.

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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Adam went shopping at the big store on Christmas Eve with his father.

When they got to the toy department, his Dad said, "What a marvelous train set. I'll buy it."

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and said, "That's great, your son will really love it."

"Maybe you're right. I better take two."

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When Alex was five, his Christmas presents were always signed, "from Santa Claus." A little while after Alex opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.  

"What's the matter, Alex?"  His parents asked.  

"Ummmm," replied Alex slowly, "I really hoped that you and Mommy would give me something for Christmas too."

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Tor reminded me that it is best to comfort a grammar Nazi by holding them and softly saying “Their”, “There”, “They’re”.

And both Tor and Dan sent me this one:

The maid asked for a pay increase from her haughty Beverly Hills employer, an oh so wealthy matron of the mansion.

The wife was very upset about this request and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband, he said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better than you in bed."

Wife, really boiling now, and through gritted teeth, "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did." 

Wife, with brittle brightness:  "So, how much do you want?"

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Finally, I seldom do this, but I found this link to be absolutely hilarious. 

Here is scientific proof that cats are superior to dogs.

http://videosift.com/video/Proof-That-Cats-Are-Better-Than-Dogs

Old Luxurious JOW #639

My eldest son recently purchased an old luxury car; a big green Mercedes 280 SE sedan that is older than he is.  I call it the ‘Green Monster’.   It lacks many of the features we have come to expect in a luxury car: It does not have electric windows and locks – you have to crank them up and manipulate them by hand. It does not have remote entry, or trunk and gas cap releases, requiring you to actually open these things manually.  There is no onboard computer telling you your mileage, average speed, and distance until you run out of gas.  There is instead a speedometer, odometer, and gas gauge; you can figure out the rest in your head if you are so inclined. There is a radio, but no wifi, Bluetooth, or even a CD.  There is no rear camera, or automatic wipers, and if you want to turn the headlights on or off you have to turn the switch on the dashboard.  There is a key that you have to put into the ignition and twist instead of an elaborate remote pod.  (Of course a replacement key costs five dollars not $250).  If you want to parallel park the Green Monster, you had better learn how because it won’t do it for you.  It has no air bags; your safety consists of lots of good German steel wrapped around you. 

The Green Monster is an anachronism.  All it can do is get you from place to place, gliding gracefully along with panache and enduring style.  Perhaps that is the best any of us can expect as we add on the years.

            That is the reason for my theme this week: automobile related jokes and observations.

This year the automakers are offering the widest selection of cars we can't afford they've ever offered.  I just can't believe that an ‘economy’ car costs $17,000. That is more than some NBA players make an hour!

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I knew a man who’s Porsche started going "Her-hick, her-hick, her-hick!" It took four mechanics to find out that's German for "Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!"  Of course, Mercedes mechanics are so rich they wear overalls with an alligator on the pocket.

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Jill's car was unreliable; she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

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One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.

I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."

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An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note:
"Removed bowling ball from trunk."

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this crazy idea he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Eight to ten years."

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer, "I used to have a car like that."