Keith
sent me some jokes on the eternal battle between men and women. This is a fertile topic – which is fortunate
if we want there to be a future generation.
Most of the problems between men and women have to do with understanding
each other because we are very different.
For example: to be happy with a
man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a
woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. There are
two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after. The
genders even communicate with each other differently. Men socialize by insulting each other, but
they don’t really mean it. Women
socialize by complementing each other, but they don’t really mean it either.
Here
are a few jokes about that tension between men and women.
+++++++++++++++++++
One
day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds
after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting
do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' she replied, 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, “Texas A&M!'
==================
'It depends,' she replied, 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, “Texas A&M!'
==================
·
Marriage is a relationship where one person is right and the other
is a husband.
·
“No, honey, I am not being stubborn,” I explained to my wife, “I
am being right.”
·
My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I was wrong and she agrees with me.
·
It doesn’t matter how often a man changes his job; he still winds
up with the same boss.
……………………………………….
A
man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the
same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells,
"PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Reason's why it's great to be a woman
1.
Free
drinks.
2.
Free
dinners.
3.
Free
movies.
4.
Speeding
ticket? What's that?
5.
New
lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
6.
If you're
not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
7.
You can
sleep your way to the top.
8.
It's
possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
9.
No fashion
faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
10.
No one
passes out when you take off your shoes.
11.
Excitement
is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
12.
If you
forget to shave, no one has to know.
13.
If you're
dumb, some people will find it cute.
14.
You have
the ability to dress yourself without embarrassing yourself.
15.
If you
marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
16.
You can
quickly end any fight by crying.
17.
Your
friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your
teeth.
18.
There are
times when chocolate really can
solve all your problems.
19.
You've
never had a goatee.
20.
You'll
never regret piercing your ears.
21.
You can
fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22.
You can
tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
There are lots more reasons why it's great to be a guy
1.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2.
A five day
vacation requires only one suitcase.
3.
Monday
Night Football.
4.
Your
bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
5.
You can
open all your own jars.
6.
Old
friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
7.
Dry
cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
8.
When
clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone
crying.
9.
A beer gut
does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
10.
You don't
have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
11.
You can go
to the bathroom without a support group.
12.
Your last
name stays put.
13.
When your
work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
14.
You can
kill your own food.
15.
The garage
is all yours.
16.
You get
extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
17.
You never
have to clean the toilet.
18.
You can be
showered and ready in 10 minutes.
19.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves.
20.
If someone
forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
21.
Your
underwear is $10 for a three pack.
22.
You don't
have to shave below your neck.
23.
If you're
34 and single nobody notices.
24.
Everything
on your face stays its original color.
25.
Chocolate
is just another snack.
26.
You can
quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
27.
Flowers
and fix everything.
28.
You can
wear a white shirt to a water park.
29.
You can
say anything and not worry about what people think.
30.
You can
whip your shirt off on a hot day.
31.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth.
32.
You don't
care if someone notices your new haircut or not.
33.
You can
watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: ‘He
must be mad at me’.
34.
You never
misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
35.
One mood,
all the time.
36.
Same
work....more pay.
37.
Gray hair
and wrinkles add character.
38.
Wedding
Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
39.
You don't
care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
40.
People
never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
41.
You
needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
42.
If you
don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've
changed.
43.
If another
guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong
buddies.
44.
New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
45.
You don't
have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
46.
Your pals
can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
different?"
47.
There is
always a game on somewhere.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,'
she replied.
`````````````````````````````````
`````````````````````````````````
A
man is in a horrible accident that is so bad that he loses his 'manhood'... He
goes to a doctor.
"Erm..." the doc says,"I can give you a new penis, a small is $8,000, a medium is $11,000, and a large is $14,000."
"I'll take a large!" the man says.
"You should really consult with your wife first." the doc says.
The man goes home and the next day he comes back in. The doc says "Hello, have you made a decision?"
"She would rather remodel the kitchen."
"Erm..." the doc says,"I can give you a new penis, a small is $8,000, a medium is $11,000, and a large is $14,000."
"I'll take a large!" the man says.
"You should really consult with your wife first." the doc says.
The man goes home and the next day he comes back in. The doc says "Hello, have you made a decision?"
"She would rather remodel the kitchen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men
wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
Some
quick questions and answers
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the
dishes?
A. Both of them.
A. Both of them.
Q:
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
Q.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.
Q.
What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
A. A widow.
Q. When
does a woman care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
A. When he owns it.
These
problems between genders have been going on since the beginning.
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world...
Then
He made the earth round , and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Adam
said he was feeling lonely and asked God for company.
"I was thinking of making you a woman," said God.
"What is a woman?" asked Adam.
"Nearly a man, only curvier," said God, "and also sweet, caring and loving and at your beck and call. She will be a wonderful sex partner to you anytime you wish."
"Gosh," said Adam, "how much will that cost?"
"An arm and a leg," said God.
"What could I get for a rib?" asked Adam.
"I was thinking of making you a woman," said God.
"What is a woman?" asked Adam.
"Nearly a man, only curvier," said God, "and also sweet, caring and loving and at your beck and call. She will be a wonderful sex partner to you anytime you wish."
"Gosh," said Adam, "how much will that cost?"
"An arm and a leg," said God.
"What could I get for a rib?" asked Adam.
What
did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
I must be able to do better than that.
What
did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
"Practice makes perfect."
Man
says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."