Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Signage JOW #892



I have some signage jokes along with a mix of others that came to me as I typed these up.  I hope they give you a bit of amusement.

Bill sent me some signs from a filling station in South Africa that they chalk on their board.

·         Stop trying to make everybody happy – You’re not tequila.
·         Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.
·         Don’t do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily upset.
·         Be the ‘who’ you needed when you were younger.
·         If you have a gun you can rob a bank.  If you have a bank you can rob everybody.
·         In a world where you can be anything… be kind.
·         The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.  The second best time to plant a tree is now.
·         If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny which would you chose -red or white?

Which led to some other well-known signs
A sign in a Shoe Repair store in Vancouver:  
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A sign on a Blinds and Curtains truck:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:   
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

More random quick jokes
·         Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
·         Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
·         The reason things aren’t foolproof is that fools are so ingenious.
·         If the shoe fits it is ugly.
·         If it fits, looks good, and is on sale, by another one for your other foot.


A man told a friend about taking his wife to dinner for their anniversary. He described how the food was made right  in front of them.
The friend said, “I’ve heard of places like that, what is the name of the restaurant?”
The man replied, “Subway.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What do you call a huge line of people waiting to get the new Barbie doll? A Barbie queue.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 
What was Forrest Gump’s password?  “1Forrest1”

Andy, releasing his inner child sent this one:
Where does George Washington hide his armies?.....
In his sleevies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story goes: upon completing a highly dangerous tightrope walk over Niagara Falls in appalling wind and rain, 'The Great Zumbrati' was met by an enthusiastic supporter, who urged him to make a return trip, this time pushing a wheelbarrow, which the spectator had thoughtfully brought along.
The Great Zumbrati was reluctant, given the terrible conditions, but the supporter pressed him, "You can do it - I know you can," he urged.
"You really believe I can do it?" asked Zumbrati.
"Yes - definitely - you can do it." the supporter gushed.
"Okay," said Zumbrati, "Get in the wheelbarrow.”

A spy joke:
A small, very good looking man walked into the KGB office and approached the reception desk.
“I’m an American spy. I want to surrender.”
– Are you armed?
“Yes.”
– Go to room 9, please.
He goes to room 9 and says:
“I am an American spy, I’m armed, I want to surrender.”
– Do you have any communication with the Americans?
“Yes I have.”
– Go to room 1.
He goes to room 1 and says:
“I’m a spy, I’m armed, I’m in communication with America and I want to surrender.”
-Have you been sent on a mission?
“Yes. I have been on mission impossible.”
– Well, get out and go do it! Stop bothering people while they’re working!

And finally a physics joke:
A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100 billion. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Feast Day JOW #891



I preface this JOW with an unusual appeal.  I have signed up for a trip to the Holy Land this spring.  Ruth, for various good reasons, is not going.  That means unless I can find a roomie I will have to pay substantially more for the trip (single room).  So if any of you would like to go on the trip of a lifetime, or know someone who might like to go, please email me and I will provide the particulars.  The trip is 7-19 March, and I have to submit my fees by 1 December.  Since we will share a room (but not a bed) I will need the person to be male.  I may be old, but Ruth is not that understanding.

The malls are all decorated and playing Christmas music.  You know what that means – it’s almost Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving – keeping therapists busy since 1621.   Some people apparently get stressed about Thanksgiving where they have to associate with relatives - Not me; a good Thanksgiving here in Texas is one where all the relatives you don’t like are still in jail. 
A happy and joyous Thanksgiving to you all.

A Thanksgiving Poem:
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may you Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs

Thanksgiving Quotes:

“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and then throw them out.”—Nicole Hollander
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”—Jay Leno
I'm so stuffed I feel like a bunch of people in matching outfits should be parading me down Fifth Avenue. - Ellen DeGeneres

Here is an old favorite of mine.  It is topical:
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving.  "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Young Bubba was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bubba asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
“Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
++++++++++++++
'Thanksgiving is America's national feast - the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. 
In France, by contrast there are three such days: Hier, Aujourd'hui and Demain. [Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow]

A Black Friday shopping tip:
This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest shopping mall.  Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails. 
1.      Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store. 
2.      Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me?  I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere.  Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
3.      The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
4.      You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air.'

These are from Pat
How do dinosaurs pay their bills? – Tyrannosaurus Checks
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? – It got stuck in a crack
…………………………
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
------------------------
Finally, some bits from Jeff Foxworthy that are so accurate
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked.
You may live in Texas.

If you carry jumper cables and your wife knows how to use them
You may live in Texas.

If the speed limit is 55, you’re doing 75, and everybody is passing you.
You may live in Texas.

If you know people who have hit a deer on more than one occasion. You may live in Texas.
You may live in Texas.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number. You may live in Texas.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
You may live in Texas.

If someone in Home Depot offers you assistance, and they don’t work there.
You may live in Texas.


Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Diet JOW #890




I thought I would do some bits about losing some of these extra pounds I have. I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.  I just wish losing weight was as easy as losing my mind.  Still, with the upcoming Season of Feasts upon us, I need to try to reduce my size.  So, like many of my readers, I am thinking about going on a diet.  Thinking burns calories, doesn’t it?
·         I am going to rename my dog ‘Three Miles’ so I can tell people I walk three miles every day.
·         You can't lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.
·         Dear stomach, you are bored, not hungry. So shut up.
·         Dear diet, things are not going to work between us.  You’re tasteless and boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.
·         I did not just fall off the diet wagon, I set on it fire and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.
·         Dieting is not a piece of cake.
·         I know it's 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
·         I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet in 9 hours and 23 minutes.
·         A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
·         Suck it up now, so you don't have to suck it in later.
·         I'm on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around, I eat.
·         No one wants to hear about your diet.  Just eat your salad and be sad.
·         I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
·         Gluten, putting the die back into diet.
·         Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
·         What should you never put in an ice cream sundae? A Spoon.
Some diet quotes:
·         A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ~ Tom Wilson
·         I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating. ~ Tommy John
·         Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.
~ Wallace Irwin
·         The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters. ~Groucho Marx
·         A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
~ Hermione Gingold
·         The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day you're off it.
~ Jackie Gleason

There is a new diet called the Naked Diet.  You take off all your clothes and eat in front of a mirror.  I tried it and it seem to work because they threw me right out of the restaurant before I even started to eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If we were not supposed to have a midnight snack, (called midrats in the Navy) why is there a light in the refrigerator?
^^^^^^^^^^^^
I have a friend who has been on the Scotch diet.  “Hey,” he explained, “Scotch is all natural, has no cholesterol, and it’s gluten free.”  So far he has lost three days.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 5 years; a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 100 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
 ***************

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.
"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
===================
How’s the diet going?
Not good.  I had eggs for breakfast
Scrambles?
Cadbury
++++++++++++++
The waitress was refilling coffee.
“Regular?” she asked her customer.
“Yes,” replied the man, “thanks to a steady diet of fruit.”

And here is a story provided by Woody to end things up.

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true!!!!!   
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. 
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly 
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to  realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as
the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet 
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the 
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fookin idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!'