Monday, January 30, 2023

Down the Drain JOW #1167

 The city of Houston instituted a program allowing people and groups to take ownership of drains, much like some places do with stretches of highway.  In return for keeping the drain clear the people got to name ‘their’ drain.  Alas, the program faltered when many of the names suggested were obscene (well beyond the boundaries of JOW decency).  I wish I could pass them on because they are often hilarious.   I start with a few drain names that passed the censors before shifting to more typical jokes.

 

  • How to Drain Your Dragon
  • Drain "The Rock" Johnson
  • I Can't Believe its not Gutter
  • I bless the drains down in Africa
  • Pennywise's Lair
  • Pinky and the Drain
  • Midnight Drain To Georgia
  • Sewert Little
  • Grate Expectations
  • The Downward Spiral
  • Purple Drain
  • Your tax dollars
  • My hopes and dreams
  • Sir Drains a Lot
  • Thomas, the thirsty trench
  • Drainey McDrainface
  • The Grate Gatsby

 

Some short jokes.

A mandate is not a law.  It’s when two men go out to dinner.

 

For most people, when you lose your ‘khakis’ you’ve lost your pants.  In Boston it means you can’t start your car

 

People who ask me what I’m doing tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is.

 

Make a decision.  There are millions of dead squirrels in the road who couldn’t make up their minds.

 

Some call it multi-tasking.  I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place.

 

A new respectful term for senior women: Queen-agers.

 

I need a life alert bracelet to notify me if I ever get a life.

 

I used to sell home alarm systems door to door.  I was really good at it.  If no one was home I would leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

 

Coffee is essential for survival.  Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee and look how that turned out.

 

Surround yourself with people who have some issues.  Because people with issues usually also have alcohol to share.

 

Tonight I will be having my favorite drink.  It’s called ‘A Lot’.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, drink whiskey.  You’ll be amazed how little you care.

 

I just fired myself from cleaning the house.  I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

 

I have been wondering:  Is an opossum just an Irish possum?

 

Why is Elon musk a true Edison of our time?

He, too, found a way to make money out of Nicolai Tesla after Tesla was dead.

Some longer jokes

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

 

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because you were born in August, but your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, you great idiot."

 

A Catholic boy and a Baptist boy were having a discussion about prayer. 

“We Baptists pray straight to God,” stated the Baptist boy.  “How about you?”

“Well,” replied the Catholic boy, “We pray to the priest.  Then he prays to the Bishop, he prays to the Cardinal, and the Cardinal prays to the Pope.  I guess the Pope is the one who prays directly to God.”

“So,” said the puzzled Baptist boy, “I guess that makes the Pope a Baptist.”

Finally, an instructive joke

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.
Things went great for a while, with some foods easily being shipped to places they previously wouldn’t have survived due to long journeys, and families could store food to eat when it wasn’t available fresh.
However, reports of illness around certain foods started to become prevalent. Pickled foods would frequently “go bad” much sooner than other canned foods, and even though the food tasted the same, people would report illness very soon after eating older pickled products. After years of analyzing) samples of purportedly problematic pickles, scientists finally concluded the preserved foods themselves were fine—it was the cans that were the problem!
They discovered certain food solutions—like pickle brine—could “leach” harmful chemicals from tin, much faster than non-brined foods. As an experiment, they started un-canning recently preserved pickles and putting pickled food in glass containers instead of tin. Jarred pickles tasted exactly the same and were preserved just as well as their canned counterparts, but nobody got sick!
In the end, the conclusion was uncanny and jarring.

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

Parenting JOW #1166

 My jokes this week have to do (mostly) with parenting and other family type jokes.  

Young husband to expectant wife – “Come on, we’ve read all the books, taken all the classes, this parenting thing is going to be a breeze.”

Wife – “I just felt the baby scoff defiantly.”

 

A mother recently expressed to me her worry about the safety of her children, especially the teenage one who keeps rolling her eyes at her mother.

 

Why are strict parents such bad quarterbacks?

They keep getting called for intentional grounding.

 

I have the memory of an elephant

When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

 

What did the famished eaglet beg his parents?

"Prey for me!"

 

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

 

In class today, students were talking about where are parents are from. One boy said his mom was from England and his dad was from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

 

Today on a drive, I decided to visit my childhood home.  I asked the people living there if I could come inside as I was feeling nostalgic. They refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.

 

I'm going to my parents' house to eat eggs benedict

You could say I'm coming home for the hollandaise.

 

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

 

I would never put my parents in a nursing home

I can't afford it

 

A mother expressed to me her worry about the safety of her children, especially the teenage one who keeps rolling her eyes at her mother.

 

When I was little, my parents got me a big dog and a little cat for my birthday.

The next day we named the Dog curiosity.  (Think about it.)

 

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

 

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

 

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didn’t.

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

 

Having homosexual parents must be terrible.  Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

 

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."
Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"
Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

 

Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were.

Working at an orphanage is no joke

 

"The daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so her mom said “Hey, the 90’s called.”

The girl replied “Yeah cause they couldn’t text”

 

Modern family

The Dad: "I might be stupid but you love me"
The Mom: "Yeah well after almost thirty years together, you kinda start to feel a certain way"
Teen age child: "Yeah, it's called Stockholm syndrome"

 

Someone told me I should talk to my parents more, but I'm too big.  In order to talk to my parents, I have to be a medium.

 

A couple of off topic jokes to round things out.

A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.
First, the wild rabbit takes the lab rabbit to a field of lettuce and the two munch on lettuce to their hearts' content.
Wild rabbit then says "Let me take you to an even better field" and heads to a field of carrots where
they munch contentedly on all the carrots they want.
Then wild rabbit says "Now let me take you to the best field of all" and takes lab rabbit to a field full of female rabbits. The rabbits enter the field and (you know what they say about rabbits) proceed to have sex all night long.
At dawn the rabbits are exhausted and content and lab rabbit announces "Well, I'm heading back to the lab"
Wild rabbit says "Why??!!? I showed you the field of lettuce, the field of carrots and the field where you can have as much sex as you want!"
Lab rabbit says "Yeah, that was all great, but I'm dying for a cigarette"

And finally

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.
But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.
He stared at the sandwich. Then his eyes shot over to the $5 bill. He looked at the sandwich again, then back at the cash. After a moment his eyes were darting back and forth between the two, and he threw up his hands in despair, let out a scream of anguish and then turned and ran away from me.
At first I was totally confused, but then it dawned on me: Beggars can’t be choosers.

 

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Postmodern Pirate JOW #1165

 Postmodernism, a philosophy that is fundamentally deconstructionist, is all the rage in academia right now.  Each person defines his or her (or it’s) own reality and meaning of life.  This can lead to some pretty silly verbal gymnastics.  As Lewis Carol put it in Alice in Wonderland, ‘Words only mean what I want them to mean.’

As I studied it, I realized it was so absurd as to be a rich source of humor.  Then, as I worked on this JOW, somehow it all got mixed up with pirate jokes. 

 

Conversation between a postmodernist and his victim.

 

“You are standing on my neck.”

“Well, that’s one point of view.   But we could also say that you’re trying to trip me with your neck.  You see in the postmodernist condition we create our own reality base upon our internalized perceptions.  Since there is no objective truth we are fee to create our own truth.  There is no right or wrong; just an infinite number of equally valid stories.”

“You are still standing on my neck.”

“You never went to college, did you?”

 

Postmodernism.  Where you can discover truth with a group hug

 

A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says
"Sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

 

What do postmodernists and drugs have in common?

They both make you see things that aren’t there.

 

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.
“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”
The first academic ponders for a moment and says, “I wish this entire situation was fiction, being told as a joke. None of us are real.”
“GRANTED! Next?”
The second academic only takes a minute and says, “To improve the structure of the joke, I wish there were a third academic who also gets a wish.”
“GRANTED! And you, the third academic?”
The third, peeved at having been created to round out a three-beat structure, says, “I wish the joke wasn’t funny.”

 

How about postmodernist pirate jokes?

How come nobody played cards with the pirate?

Because he was standing on the deck!   Since the other pirates had no universal moral perspective from which to criticize him, so they stared at the ocean and contemplated God’s absence.

 

What did one pirate say to the other?

“I SEA you!”

But it was just a joke, for no pirate is ever truly seen.

 

How do pirates like to communicate?

Aye to aye! 

Back and forth, they grunt like this—interminably, senselessly, a silly little joke against Truth.

 

How do you save a drowning pirate?

C.P. ARRRRRR!   But then unless the pirate is drowning in the creeping sensation that he is a cog in a monstrous, inescapable machine and that all of his choices are meaningless, in which case resuscitation will fail.

 

John the Pirate sat in the corner booth, scowling, and shed a single tear. “Arrrggh! Their jokes be hurtful!” he muttered, stabbing the “X” of a treasure map with his dagger, the desire for sweet, bloody revenge burning in his chest.

 

Okay, how about a few regular pirate jokes?

Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry?

Because, when they do, it’s a private tear!

 

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?

“Shiver me timbers! 

 

 “What vegetable do pirates fear? Leeks!”

 

How do pirates know that they are pirates?

They think, therefore they ARRRR!

 

What does a dyslexic pirate say?

RRRRRRA!

 

How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buck-an-ear.

 

Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?

Because booty is only shin deep

 

Why is pirating so addictive?

They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.

 

How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?

An arm and a leg.

 

A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.”

The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here.”

 

Why’d the pirate go to the Apple store?

He needed a new ipatch

 

How did the pirate call his mate?

On his aye phone.

 

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

 

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed a little arrrrg and arrrg

 

What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?

High Cs

 

What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

 

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheap?

He bought it on sail.

 

How do you turn a pirate furious?

Take away the “p.”

 

“Why do pirates need cell phones? To make booty calls!”

“How do you piss off a pirate? Take away the ‘P’!”

Enough with the pirate jokes.

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story, “What is the moral of the story?”

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

=====

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of sweat slithered down the count’s face but still he said nothing. The captain gave the signal, and the executioner brought his hatchet down, but just as he did, the count’s courage broke and he blurted out: “No! Wait! I’ll tell you where gold’s hid-“

But it was too late. The axe came down, off came the head, and no one got the gold.

The moral of the story is: “Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.”

 

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Snappy JOW #1164

 My offerings this week are all short, simple one liners; mostly puns.  Blame it on Tor.  He set me off by sending me a pun.  It was a version of the old saw about explorers finding a hermit alone in a barren, sandy desert living in a simple shack with only a table, chair, and bed, with an old calendar on the wall. 

“How do you survive out here without supplies?” they asked.

“Very easy,” the hermit replied. “I get water from the bed springs, eat the dates from the calendar, and of course the sand which is here.”

Like I said, blame Tor.  Here are some quick, snappy jokes for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

 

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

 

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up

 

A backward poet writes inverse 

 

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird

 

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves

 

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

 

I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

 

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other

 

What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit

 

I hate how funerals are at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking 

 

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

 

He who laughs last thinks slowest

 

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents

 

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

 

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

 

What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1

 

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

 

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

 

My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

 

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

 

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

 

I just found out that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!

 

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!

 

I don’t want to go to a nude beach. I’m too clothes-minded!

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before 

 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion 

Practice safe eating - always use condiments 


I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case


Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

 

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red 

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I 

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana 

In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism your count votes 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it 

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key 

Every calendar's days are numbered 

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat 

He had a photographic memory but it never developed 

A plateau is a high form of flattery 

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end 

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis 

 

Exercise makes you look better naked.  So does alcohol.  Your choice.

I thought my dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator

 

I am back on a diet.  I have to remove all the ‘bad’ foods from my house and it is taking me a long time to eat that much.

 

I am on a food for thought diet where all I do is think about food.

 

When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.

 

Comparison is the thief of joy.

 

And finally some thoughts to ponder.

Could a librarian be called a bookkeeper?

referee be a game warden?

dairyman be a cowboy?

cabinetmaker be the president?

librarian be called a bookkeeper?

referee be a game warden?

dairyman be a cowboy?

cabinetmaker be the president?

 

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

Happy New JOW #1163

 It is typical to treat past years as disasters and state that we are glad to see them go.  What do I think about 2022? - So far, it’s the best of the trilogy; I mean it was way better than the first two years of the ‘20’s.  I have a bad feeling we will look back on it later on with nostalgia.  I do admit it was a year of really bad epic movies.  Still, I want to welcome the New Year, which we can hope will be even better than the last.   A have a few New Year’s jokes, then I devolve into some anti-Putin humor.

 

An old New Year’s poem.

On New Year’s Eve, I didn’t join my friends to toast the days ahead.

They stayed up until it was late, then ate a tasty spread.

At midnight, though, I was home instead,

Sleeping very peacefully in my warm, cozy bed.

 

Why did 2022 go by in a blur? My resolution must've been too low.

 

My New Year's resolution is to see my cup half-full ... preferably with rum, gin, vodka, or moonshine.

 

In 2023, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

 

 I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, which I will undertake any day now.

 

A black guy in the library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2023, you can use any printer you want."

 

They should make all bras wireless.  It's 2023....I really don't think you still have to plug them in to charge.

 

Q: What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?

A: Social Security.

 

Not to brag, but I already have a date for next year’s New Year’s Eve ... it's Dec. 31.

~~~~~

A phone and a firework were arrested on New Year's. One was charged, the other was let off.

 

I had a friend who was certain he had a good bet last year. On 2nd of February 2022 he had just turned 22 so he went to the bookies and put $222 on the second horse in the second race of the day. It was at 2.22!"
Unfortunately the horse came second.

 

When people ask me why Jews are so smart and rich?  Seriously?  Isn’t it obvious - they’re about to be in the year 5784 and we are still living in 2023.

 

I bought the 250 million year old pink Himalayan salt

Behind the package, on the label, it says that it expires in December 2022

 

Customer -“I’d like to open a joint account.”

Teller -“Sure, who with?”

Customer -“Someone with lots of money.”

 

"What will life in Russia be like in 2023?"

"It will be worse than 2022 but better than 2024"

 

That joke got me off on Russian humor.

 

March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war

A scowling man said to himself as he walked: ‘We are out of meat, no coffee, not even toiletries...’
At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: “I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!”
The man looked at him and continued to talk to himself: “You mean we are out of bullets, too?”

***

They call a war a "special operation", they call bombings "loud noises", they call a rout "a regroup". I guess now they'll be calling forced conscription as an "all-expense paid vacation abroad."

+++++

Can a woman become the President of Russia?

No, because Putin is not a woman.

<<<< 

Vladimir’s Putin’s plan for the new economy. The goal? Make people rich and happy. The list of people follows:

~~~~

Two Russian prisoners were sitting in a gulag. The first one asks: How long do you have? The second replies: “Ten years”. “For what?” the first one asks. “For nothing!” the second responds. “You liar!” the first exclaims: “For nothing they only give you 5 years.”

>>>> 

Putin heard that many Russian soldiers are getting sick in Ukraine, so he sends a health inspector to join the Russian army to improve its sanitary conditions. The inspector asks a general:
“How do you prepare drinking water?”
“First, we filter it. Then we boil it.”
“And after that?”
“Well… just to be careful, we only drink vodka.”

And a final Putin joke:

When Putin began his first term in office he asked the then outgoing President Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin, had no prior experience in politics.
Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If things go really, really bad, open the second envelope.
Things got really bad, The Central bank defaulted in 1998 and the effects were felt everywhere, unemployment was rife, stores were empty and people were in the streets hungry, angry and protesting.
In desperation, Putin reached for the bottom drawer and pulled out the first envelope, in a small note, it was typewritten “Blame your predecessor”.
Putin blamed Boris Yeltsin, his predecessor for the woes of Russia, the dissolution of the Soviet Union as the biggest disaster in its history and told his compatriots to give him time and power and he would make Russia great again.
It is now 2023, with The Central bank at near default, people protesting in the streets, economy in shambles, and a war that isn’t going well, Putin finally opens the second envelope in the bottom drawer.
In that second envelope, there is a neatly typewritten note with the message “Prepare two envelopes.”