I hope you all had as fine a Thanksgiving as I did. One of the highlights of the day was seeing 77-year-old Dolly Pardon in a cheerleader outfit at halftime of the Dallas Cowboy’s game. At first, I did not realize it was Dolly. I thought it was maybe one of the Dallas cheerleaders from the last time the Cowboys won a Super Bowl. I thoroughly enjoyed the Thanksgiving feast though it came at the cost of a few extra pounds – totally worth it. My jokes this week start with poking fun the large segment of our population.
Why aren’t fat jokes
socially acceptable?
It’s never nice to make
fun at anyone’s expanse.
What kind of jokes doesn’t
work out?
Fat people jokes.
I was able to burn 1200
calories in just 30 minutes – I left my pizza in the oven too long.
Why are drug dealers now
selling LSD as the best weight loss medication? No one is going to cross a
fire-breathing dragon blocking the refrigerator.
I suppose there are people
who can pass up free guacamole, but they're either allergic to avocado or too
joyless to live.
It has been said that the
idea of accepting overweight people has been embraced by the wider community.
I looked at the Weight Watchers
website yesterday. They asked if I’d
accept cookies. Trick question?
In a way, gluttony is an
athletic feat - a stretching exercise.
She had a body for
sin. Unfortunately, that sin was
gluttony.
Eating too much cake is
the sin of gluttony. But not eating too
much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.
June is Pride month. Apparently, November is Gluttony month.
Gluttony and Lust are the
only sins that abuse something that is essential to our survival.
What do you call a man who
became fat from eating too much McDonald's?
Big Max
These days, to me, going
clubbing simply means getting a sandwich.
It’s better to never tell
jokes about fat people. They never work out.
Word of the Day: Cenosillicaphobia: the fear of an empty glass
of beer.
Why did obese Romans
prefer loose clothes? Because in Roman Numerals L is bigger than XL.
What do you have after
eating too much alphabet soup?
A large vowel movement.
A woman tells her doctor
she can’t help being overweight. Her parents, siblings and children are all
overweight because it runs in the family. The doctor responds by saying “I
seriously doubt anyone is running in your family.”
Enough with the weighty
humor.
Little Johnny was sitting
on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and
noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man,
“eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be an old man,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own business.”
There is a store called
Forever 21. Is that where vampires shop?
Seeking one night
stand. Possibly two because I have two
lamps.
One man’s cougar is
another man’s grandmother.
I make mistakes; I’ll be
the second to admit it.
If we keep making so much
toilet paper, we are going to wipe ourselves out.
I have mixed drinks about
feelings
Tradition: Peer pressure from dead people
If you get locked out of
your car, try talking to it, because communication is key.
If life closes one door,
just open it up again. That’s how doors
work
Do songbirds get mad at
hummingbirds because they don’t know the words?
You cannot run though a
campground. You can only ran because it
is past tents.
Two mafia members are
walking through the woods, late at night
The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is
scaring the hell out of me"
The second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back through
here alone!"
I do not understand why
women love cats. Cats are
independent. They do not listen. They do
not come when you call them in. They
like to stay out all night and when they are home, all they want to do is be
left alone and sleep.
So, basically, every
quality that women hate in men they love in cats.
How come John isn’t at
work today?
He’s in the hospital.
Wow. I saw him dancing at the club with some chick
just last night.
Apparently so did his
wife.
I’m not having much luck
with jobs lately.
·
I wasn’t suited
to be a tailor.
·
The muffler
factory was just exhausting.
·
I couldn’t cut it
as a barber.
·
I didn’t have the
patience to be a doctor.
·
I wasn’t a good
fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
·
The paper shop
folded.
·
Pool
maintenance was too draining.
·
I got fired from
the cannon factory.
·
And I just
couldn’t see any future as a historian.
And finally
The leader of the
vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try
some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So, one summer day he told his
members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the
nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and
impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone
call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members
walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a
huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
“Isn’t that something,”
says the leader “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”