Under the circumstances retirement is starting to be more and more interesting. I have a few retirement/old people jokes this week.
Martha passes on lots of good jokes. Here are a few
The retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon.
The food was great but there just was no atmosphere.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.
An 85-year-old widow went on a date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I was afraid he had died!"
Hospitals have developed a new oral surgery technique for the poor.
The surgeon describes the operation he would perform if they could afford it.
Some Riddles
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them.
Part of a tooth of a child has broken off. What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?
Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What happened when the two tornados met and fell in love?
They had a whirlwind romance
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer
What kind of electricity do they have in Washington?
D.C.
Mike provided this one.
An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
And finally, from Debbie
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Economic JOW
As they say, a recession is when other people lose their jobs, a depression is when you lose yours. If so, then once again, the United States has entered a depression. I have become Cost Cut Casualty, or as they say in California, I am now Occupationally Challenged. It is not the end of the world; I will probably be able to find something to tide me over. After all, I do many things well; unfortunately none of them directly generate income. I have considered either charging a subscription for the JOW or perhaps charging people NOT to send them the JOW. I am still working on the specifics of the business plan for that one.
My jokes have an economic theme this week for obvious reasons.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
Economics explained.
An experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it; he does and collects his money.
Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
The not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."
The experienced economist replies "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Another economist joke
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada for their annual moose hunt. The last thing the pilot said was, ‘remember this is a small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back’.
But of course, they all killed a moose. They argued about which economist should be have the right to bring home his moose. The three still had not come to an agreement when the plan arrived. They talked and talked until the pilot agreed to allow them bring all three dead moose onboard. Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said.
“Hey, we are just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.”
Finally, from Bil
Subject: Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
My jokes have an economic theme this week for obvious reasons.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
Economics explained.
An experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it; he does and collects his money.
Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
The not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."
The experienced economist replies "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Another economist joke
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada for their annual moose hunt. The last thing the pilot said was, ‘remember this is a small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back’.
But of course, they all killed a moose. They argued about which economist should be have the right to bring home his moose. The three still had not come to an agreement when the plan arrived. They talked and talked until the pilot agreed to allow them bring all three dead moose onboard. Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said.
“Hey, we are just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.”
Finally, from Bil
Subject: Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
Friday, May 15, 2009
All Wet JOW
I have a request for some sailing humor. Well, there just aren’t that many jokes about sailing. But I do have some sailor jokes, fishing jokes, and of course, Pirate Jokes.
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”
First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”
First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Swine Flu JOW
I have had some pretty off beat and unexpected subjects for my JOWs─ economics, quantum physics, math, and elderly citizens. We haven’t had much humor about the swine flu. I guess it was not severe enough to live up to the media hype. There were some real possibilities there, though: Pigdemia, Aporkalypse, Hamocaust and Snoutbreak. Did we get any of those? Nope. Well at any rate here are all I could come up with for jokes about a deadly epidemic
They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.
Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon
Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.
A contribution from Susan
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.
Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon
Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.
A contribution from Susan
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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