Last 2011 JOW

In keeping with my holiday theme I am providing a few quotes and jokes about New Year holiday including a few standbys that involve alcohol along with a few semi-related jokes about bars and drunks and such. I hope that all of you are having as enjoyable season as I. So to begin here are some New Years observational quotes:

• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you sometimes kiss the person you're married to. P. J. O'Rourke
• New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain
• An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. Bill Vaughan

Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.

---------------------
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

````````````````````````````````
A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a gin". He takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

++++++++++++++++
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
"I do", the Lone Ranger replied. "Why?"
The cowboy drawled, "You better take care of him; he¹s almost dead from the heat."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting.
The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.
Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
"I do," the Lone Ranger said, "What's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothin'," the cowboy said, "But you left your Injun runnin'."
…………………………….
Okay, here is one for the Native Americans

A guy goes into a bar, orders a drink, and lights up a fine cigar. As he contentedly sips his drink, he blows several smoke rings into the air. After the ninth or tenth smoke ring, an angry Indian stomps up to him looks at the smoke rings and says, "One more remark like that and I'll punch you in the face!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A carton of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A pint of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly.”

===================

Let me leave you with an old Irish toast:

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want.


Tom

Christmas Week JOW

One nice thing about this season is that there are a lot of Christmas jokes. For some reason a lot of them are dirty – how odd. However, in keeping with the PG rating of the Joke of the Week here are some clean bits of humor to lighten your Holiday Season. As I plan to be traveling on Boxing Day as is traditional in my family, expect the JOW next week a bit later in the week.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Signs of Christmas

• Toy Store: "Ho, Ho, Ho spoken here."
• Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
• Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
• At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
• Come in and mangle with the crowd."
• A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.
• A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
• In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."


The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

==============================

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's uncle; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly replied, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

++++++++++++++++++++++

A man went to his dentist, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. If you’re going to eat so much Hollandaise I'll have to install a new plate made out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's *no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise*!"


Christmas Carols for the psychiatrically challenged.

• SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
• MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
• NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
• DEPRESSIVE: Silent Night, Lonely night, All Is Flat, All Is Hopeless….
• PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
• PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (repeat the other sixteen identical verses)

Finally, press releases from the North Pole

Santa Reorganizes

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and online shopping have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Chinese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen reindeer midair ‘emissions’.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, no one can lay off a Frenchman;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we hope for an oversupply of unemployed congressmen next year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

And in a related story….

New York - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by Mr. Claus’ organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in activities designed to prevent the free expression of children’s behavior."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.


Merry Christmas to all from Tom

Shopping JOW

This is the final push for those Christmas shoppers who have not completed their shopping on Black Friday or Cyber Monday, or Green Tuesday, or whatever other contrived date the marketers could come up with. I still have a few things left to give (and get). I was going to ask for either a sweatshirt or a wind breaker but I could not decide if was going to sweat or break wind. I guess I will have to settle for socks.
Here is a gift for those of you who are also out doing your shopping: a few seasonal jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The man approached a lovely woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
++++++++++++++

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
====================

"Cash, check or charge?" The clerk asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
……………………………………

A teenage girl shopping at the mall stopped at the perfume counter and looked at the perfumes offered there: “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”.
She turned to the salesperson and asked, “Do you have anything else? I don`t want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan sent me a cautionary tale for the party season:
This is a word to the wise for all my email friends. I would like to share an experience with you; it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much brandy, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Finally, Martha has a good idea about helping with our immigration mess -
To help save the economy, the government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.



Tom

Infant JOW

Children are on my mind these days so my JOW this week has some infant (as opposed to infantile) humor.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"
Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Here are some three questions from first time pregnant moms

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Things NOT to say while your wife is in pregnant, in labor or just after delivery:

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope you’re ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
________________________________________

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, there may be yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
________________________________________

Being a mother changes everything. But being a mother also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.
================
Maternity Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.


Tom

Hard Working JOW

I am glad to be working again; however I am having to remember what coworkers really mean when they say something. Here is a handy translation sheet I have developed.

“I can’t figure out how to work my phone” = “I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my phone”
“I need help with this” = “Do this for me”
“Hey, quick question…” = “Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…”
“We need to give Cathy a call” = “You need to give Cathy a call”
“I think we’re out of pens” = “I do not see a pen within a three foot radius of where I’m sitting”
“Did Todd get a new computer?” = “Why haven’t I also gotten a new computer?”
“Thanks for showing me how to do something in Microsoft Excel” = “You are now the company’s expert in Microsoft Excel”
“I’m expecting a fax” = “I’m expecting you to hover over the fax machine for the next few hours.

The help wanted ads are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living...

……………………..
Responses to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:

• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea.
• Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
• Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Descartes said he'd think about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
…………………………………….

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

+++++++++++++++++++
Here is a truck driving joke for Charlie and Kathy

Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 13 1/2 feet and our truck is 14 feet high."
Second driver, "It's ok, just go, there aren’t any cops around."

++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, on a non-work related note my cousin Bil had his annual checkup and reported the experience thusly:

During my recent physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."


Tom

Happy Thanksgiving JOW

Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience; it's like an orgy that's rated G. Everyone feels like gluttony is their patriotic duty. We all eat until it takes the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy. We will be going up to eat with Ruth’s sister as usual but this will be the first time without any kids since I was on active duty in 1985 and ate Thanksgiving alone in a San Francisco restaurant. That was when I came to fully understand that it is not what you eat but who you eat the meal with that is important.
On a personal note, my sister welcomed another grandson into the world; J.R. Gerschefski. And Tiffany has finally successfully completed a five year effort and secured work as an attorney in L.A. This means that for the first time all five kids are gainfully employed at the same time.
Here are some Thanksgiving-themed jokes for the season(ing).

…………………
A college student invited her college roommate to join her large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, they got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until they suddenly remembered they had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she reassured them; “I was brought up in a family too.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not ashamed of my ‘rural antecedences’. Jeff Foxworthy founded an entire genre of jokes celebrating our redneck heritage. And you might be a redneck if:

• You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
• Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
• You've ever re-used a paper plate.
• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
• If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
• Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
• Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
• Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

----------------------------------
TULSA, OK (DPI) - In what is becoming more and more common on holidays here in America, an entire family exploded shortly after finishing their Thanksgiving dinner.
Investigators from the Tulsa Sheriff Department said that, while the sheer size of the meal certainly played a part in the Turkey Day Massacre, the straw that broke the gobbler's back was in fact the whipped cream on the top of the pumpkin pie.
Sheriff Bill Gutt commented, "Yep, it was the Cool-Whip what done it. People just ain't got no common sense."

____________________________
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and you’ll get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Grandma: What would you like for dessert, Joey?
Joey: Pumpkin pie! Grandma: Pumpkin pie, what, dear? Say the magic word. Joey: I'm sorry, Grandma. Pumpkin pie, abracadabra!

=========================

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A Texas Ranger once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the Texas Rangers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.

………………………………
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The letter "g"!


Tom

Mishmash JOW

I have a mishmash of jokes this week starting with some puzzling questions a few observations and a couple of jokes at IKEA’s expense. I apologize for not having a theme this week; I have had less time to do my JOW since I started working. Nevertheless, I think you will enjoy at least some of them.

Troubling questions for the twisted mind:
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
• Is it okay for vegans to eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you eat both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
• Could it be that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?
• Do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

A few more petty observations:

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• An observation on Jose Cuervo: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martha had this observation –
Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Both Dick and Mary Ellen sent this to me. I can’t figure out why they sent it to me; neither are blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they both live in California. (A light suddenly dawns)
--------
This is serious stuff. Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Here are a couple of Ikea jokes:

I went to a business meeting at Ikea; they told me to make a chair and have a seat.
++++++++++++++
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I’m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You’ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and says: "Ahh lovely honey, you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up sees the repairman waiting inside. "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" demanded the outraged husband.
To which the worker replies:
"I’m waiting for the bus!"


Tom

Old Veteran JOW

Since Veteran’s Day is almost upon us I thought to provide some military humor. Remember we owe a lot to our veterans, so this Thursday why not give a veteran (especially Navy Vets) that you know a nice gift. A money order would be nice. ;^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things are different for military families these days. There are separations but couples still keep in touch. At a military commissary a frazzled mother with two active children, stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case and warned her child that "If you don't get off there right now I'm going to e-mail your father!"
________________________________________
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
…………………………………….

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"

________________________________________
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

================

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you’re Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. For a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army helicopter, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And if you are a Marine Corps flying thingee, it's Thursday afternoon."

________________________________________
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

________________________________________
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s all the way. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

++++++++++++++++++++++

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
________________________________________

And finally, one non-military note:

There is big news about a Penn State coach who is accused of molesting no fewer than eight little boys over a 15 year period. The accusations have so upset him that he has decided to withdraw from the world and become a Roman Catholic priest.



Tom

Happy Halloween JOW

Halloween is tonight so I thought to give my JOW sufferers their jokes early. I hope you enjoy your Halloween as well as these little holiday-related jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker."
---------------------------------
Headline: "Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetery will be done by skeleton crews"
………………
You know you are really too old to trick or treat when:

• You ask for high fiber candy.
• People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
• When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
• By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
• You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
• You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Some Halloween definitions and riddles:

• Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma
• Cemetery - bone zone.

• Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
• Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
• Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
• Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.
• Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?
A: A blind witch

###############

The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, ". . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . ."
"What the heck is the professor doing?" asked a student.
"Shh! He's giving an organ recital."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two costume jokes:

A friend asked if he could borrow his geek-friend’s Darth Vader mask. On Halloween night, the friend came by to pick it up. The geek was surprised that his friend was dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a flannel shirt, with the addition of a black cowboy hat.
"Where's your costume?" he asked.
"This is it, plus your mask," his friend replied.
"Well, what are you supposed to be?"
"Darth Brooks."
====================

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

--------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"They misspelled my name,” the old man grumbled, “and I had to come back to correct it!"

**********************************
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a tiny vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car before I get my ruler out!"

……………………………………………
And one last groaner

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... right on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of extra strength cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly
"The coffin stops."


Tom

Horsing Around JOW

This week’s jokes are horse related. There is no particular reason; I just have never done a JOW about horses and after ~580 of the things I figured it was about time. It is not as though I know much about horses; I have only been riding a few times in my life. But I do know that you should never lick a gift horse in the mouth. And I suspect that horse sense is found usually in people with a stable mind. I also have heard of Hartley's First Law which is:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something

****************
One day, while I was petting a Shetland pony, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?"
Of course I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man's car stalls on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up alongside the fence and leans over to him and says, "Your trouble is probably in the fuel system," says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."


................
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife and whacks him on the back of his head with a frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"


===============
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car.
In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: “Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: “Well ... let me explain.”
Lawyer: “Go right ahead” (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). “Please tell the jury.”
Samuel: “When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A blonde went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. The horse did not stop or even slow down. Fortunately just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness the store manager came and unplugged it!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The waiter is a bit shocked by this, but manages to stammer out that it would be ten dollars.
The horse gives him a ten dollar bill and goes over to one of the tables, and starts reading his paper while drinking his beer. The horse eventually finishes his beer and starts to leave.
The bartender calls out to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At ten dollars a beer, I'm not surprised.”

-------------------------------------------
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound looked up at the horses and said, "That’s nothing, I ran 50 races and I won 49 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking dog!"


Tom

Sporting JOW

It is that wonderful time of year for sports: baseball has the World Series, football is well into its season, and basketball is involved in a contentious labor dispute, (although I do not understand how they can call it ‘labor’). It just goes to show you that no matter how much money is involved it is never enough for some people.
Here are some sports-related jokes for your amusement:

Some pity quotes I found on a wide variety of sports:

You can sum up this sport in two words: 'You never know.'
~ Lou Duva
Cricket is baseball on valium.
~ Robin Williams
We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play!
~ Pat Williams
When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had just one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
~ George Raveling
And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.
~ Garry Lyon
Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.
~ Yogi Berra
He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is - nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.
~ Eddie Shaw,
He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it - you can see it all over their faces.
~ Ron Atkinson
Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match.
~ Ian Wright
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams
Men know, deep in their souls, that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without even considering if there were men on base.
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

*******************
Casey Stengel was the master of great baseball quotes:
• Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
• If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.
• The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

………………………………………………………….
One evening an old baseball catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. The catcher dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

=================================
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

The other day was Take Your Daughter to Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, and played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
------------------------------------
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

Finally, one of my favorite jokes – it is better told than read but is still pretty funny

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, she can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks her, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious; he kicks the man and his dog out of the place.
As soon as they're on the street, the dog looks up at the man and plaintively asks him, "Was it DiMaggio?"


Tom

Estes Park Adventure

I really hate south Texas summers. The heat and humidity are not epic, merely very uncomfortable. The high humidity prevents your body’s natural cooling system from working very well; in addition to overheating you find yourself disgustingly dripping wet. Lots of places suffer from such conditions; however the summer in Houston, like winter in Michigan, goes on and on. So by August we began to seriously consider visiting Ruth’s brother Fred who lives in Estes Park, Colorado. Ruth was not thrilled with the idea of a two day road trip. That was when our youngest, Ivan, suggested checking airfares. In a few minutes he was able to find a round trip flight from Houston to Denver for just about what it would cost to drive there. The deal was so good that not only did we decide to go, Ruth’s sister Sandra agreed to come.

That was why we were able to flee the oppressive heat and humidity the last week of September for the cool and colorful climes of Colorado. Fred and Pam graciously made the hour-long drive to Denver and carried us up to the cool of the Rocky Mountains. We kept rolling down the windows at every stop to suck in that cool, fresh mountain air. It was exhilarating, or perhaps we were just in the first stages of oxygen starvation. We were all used to breathing good oxygen-rich sea level air - Fred and Pam’s house is at 8,000 feet. That means that the air is not only is it cooler, it is more transparent. Their house faces back east toward the east range including Mt. Lily, Twin Sisters Peaks, and most of all Long’s Peak, a huge “fourteen’er” as the locals refer to mountains over fourteen thousand feet. They all look close enough to touch. We took advantage of the evening to sit on the back deck, enjoying that mountain air and listening to the distant bugling of bull elk. I do not know why people refer to the mating call of elk as ‘bugling’; it is a shriller whistling sound. I must say that although it is a penetrating noise that carries a long way; it seems like a very odd call for such a huge animal. I would have expected a more imposing bellow. We sat chatting companionably as the sun sank behind Prospect Peak which rises immediately behind the house. This was more like it.

The Grube house tended to believe in the old adage ‘early to bed’; aided by the thin mountain air and the exertions of our journey we soon emulated them. It would be tempting to claim that we all slept soundly. In truth I awoke several times in the night panting. Once I got my oxygen levels back to normal I was able to quickly drift off again.

Since I was one of the first ones up in the morning I took it upon myself to make breakfast for the six people in the house. My mother-in-law Helen laid in copious amounts of sausage, bacon, and eggs. Well fed, we decided to make the three mile drive into town and do some shopping. We wandered around the charming shops and eating establishments of Estes Park for a few hours; Fred and I tended to spend our time in outdoor shops, specifically those dealing in fly fishing. Fred is an avid fly fisherman and knows a great deal about the sport, local spots, and the fly fishing community in the area. The women seemed to prefer shops that featured clothing and curios - there is just no accounting for taste. Once thing we did agree upon was having a leisurely cup of coffee at a local Starbucks where we were able to enjoy chatting with some of Pam and Fred’s many acquaintances. The year-round population of Estes Park is rather small and after ten years of residency, Pam and Fred are pretty well known around town. We were glad to have a chance to have dinner with some of their local friends.

That afternoon I took a walk in the subdivision. The terrain is dry and hilly and, with lots averaging about an acre, it is far from a typical crowded subdivision. I was surprised to find a mule deer wandering around grazing unconcernedly not 10 feet from the street. My presence was obviously no problem for her. I soon found that wildlife moved easily through this residential area. About 4 PM we decided that it was 5 o’clock and Houston and moved out onto the deck. Shortly thereafter were astonished to see a large bobcat wander down past the blue house next door to Fred’s not one hundred feet from people sitting on the deck. A few hours later that evening we watched a herd of mule deer (eight qualifies as a herd in my book) browsing on the downhill side of Fred’s home. They did not mind us up on the porch watching them either.
Sunday began with omelets for breakfast. The day was cool and bright so we decided to go over to Lilly Lake and take some exercise there; even Helen accompanied us. Sandra and I took a brisk walk on a trail that included some ‘puffingly’ hard sections that went above the lake.

That evening Pam and Fred took us into Rocky Mountain National Park located about a mile from the house. We waited until late Sunday until many of the weekend day trippers had cleared out of the park. Fred knew that it was best to go later to observe some of the wildlife which was typically more active in the evening and of course the scenery which is spectacular whenever it is light.
We had a chance to see deer, elk, and even a cheeky yellow coyote that nonchalantly crossed the road, stopping traffic and then began hunting mice in the grass not 50 feet from the verge. Pam drove us to Moraine Park where we watched a couple of harems of elk from a prudent distance. The bulls were working hard to keep their ladies all together while the girls tended to drift off in search of ‘greener pastures’ which sometimes included that ‘really cute new bull’ just down the field. All this kept the bulls cutting back and forth like a quarter horse, herding the cows together. Fred told us that bulls might lose a third of their body weight during the rut. Once it is over, old bulls will congregate again with one another like old veterans, the recent wars between them forgotten until the cows come into season again.

Monday called for a visit to the famous Stanley Hotel, forever famous for acting as the backdrop for the movie ‘The Shining’. ‘The girls’ all had their fortunes told by the resident psychic; their appointments were 30 minutes apart which gave the rest of us time to lounge about drinking coffee or sipping tea, depending on gender.

The next day I undertook the first of my little climbing hikes -up Lilly Mountain. I had climbed this small, 9786 feet, mountain the previous year and had delighted in the trail. It was only about two miles long with only a thousand feet of climbing so it required no special effort. I started up the trail about 9 AM and was able to finish the final stretch by 11. The last bit was rather steep and rocky but finishing the last hundred feet of altitude was more like clambering up rocks rather than climbing. I sat up on the barren rocks atop the mountain and enjoyed the sandwich Ruth had packed for me. To say the least it was a wonderful view. I sent photos from my phone to several people including Ruth. She sent me back one herself, showing the gang seated and enjoying a beverage at Starbucks!

The next day we visited Bear Lake near the geographic center of the park. After a fascinating drive in with Fred telling ‘park stories’ Sandra, Ruth, and I took the relatively short hike up to Nymph Lake, (named for the insect, not the mythical maidens.) The lake was, as expected lovely, and the walk to and from sublime.

The next stop was a short walk to Sprague Lake. A passing visitor snapped a photo of all of us by the lake. The photos may give the impression that is little lake is pristine and beautiful. Yep, it is.

Evenings were spent relaxing on the back deck, sipping fine cocktails, enjoying the fresh mountain air, listening to stories, observing the local wildlife, and watching the shadows grow long on the mountain slopes. That evening I stayed up to watch the last games of the baseball season as there were no fewer than four final games that would determine which teams made the playoffs. Normally baseball is not as entertaining to watch as other more active sports; it does, however have drama and terrific stories. This particular night of baseball was as entertaining as any I have ever seen. The other sleeping members of the household reported hearing me exclaim in amazement several times as two of the three critical games went to extra innings and the third (rain delayed one) was not decided until the final at bat. Baseball is a game about failure (one, two, three strikes you’re out… Casey at bat, etc.) and this night demonstrated that, as Atlanta and Boston both completed epic collapses with failures in the last game that mirrored the final month of their seasons. By the time Tampa Bay won on a walk-off homerun in the bottom the eleventh inning I was astonished and delighted. Okay, I was in an idyllic setting on a vacation and I still remember watching baseball on TV. But the games were that good.

The next morning was my big event – I had hoped to go up Twin Sisters Peak for almost a year. Although it was not exactly Mt. Everest, or even Long’s Peak, it did involve walking over seven miles with a climb of over 2400 feet up to 11,428 feet. This was difficult but achievable for an older flat-lander like me. I figured three to four hours to climb up and two to three to walk down. I was the first and thus only car parked at the trailhead that morning. It was cool with clouds blowing in from time to time. It took me almost twenty minutes to get lost, well, to realize I was lost. Fortunately I was in more or less open forest and movement was relatively easy; it was also easy to notice the broad trail that I should be on about 30 feet below me. That bit of minor drama over, I began my steady upward hike. A cloud moved over the mountain, chilling me. I put on my rain jacket and kept on through a misty dreamscape. Soon enough the cloud moved past and I was able to doff my coat and continue moving up. I began to hear noises on the trail below me; I was being overtaken by other hikers. As the man and woman come up we began to walk together companionably. I took the occasion to introduce myself. For some reason I went all formal, something I almost never do.
“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Captain Thomas Pinney, United States Navy, retired.”
Without missing a beat the woman shook my hand and introduced herself as a Colonel in the United States Air Force, also retired. Cool! Adding to the coincidence they were both from Texas. I was more or less able to keep up with them all the way to the tree line. They were of great help to me as they showed the trail through the rock field up to the very summit. Was I glad to be up there? Yes indeed. The views were definitely worth the effort of the climb. To the south was Long’s Peak, to the west Lilly Mountain in the foreground with the Continental Divide on the horizon. To the east you could see the far distant plains and almost discern the curvature of the earth. North, Estes Park was visible. With the clear air it almost seemed possible to touch them all. Another younger couple joined us on the peak. As I ate my sandwich under impossibly blue skies chipmunks came out of the rocks to beg for crusts. Clearly they had enjoyed the largess of other climbers.

The young couple headed down first – they had left their children at school in Ft. Collins and had to get down to pick them up before school was out. Typically the walk down seems slower and somehow more difficult than the climb up. This time, however, the views were so spectacular that It seemed like much less than the two hours it actually took. Of course, it was easier going downhill, too.

On our last day in Estes Park we prevailed upon Fred and Pam to take us deep into the park, all the way to the Alpine Visitor Center located at 11,796 feet. We took time to stop along the road to admire the scenery. The Center was in its final few weeks as it will soon, like the Trail Ridge Road itself, be closed for the winter. We are talking about serious quantities of snow up here; the roof of the Center is reinforced with huge beams to support the weight of many feet of snow. We looked down below us into the valley below and were able to see two small clumps of elk still grazing at high altitude; we even caught sight of a big moose down there. The ride down was even more beautiful than the way up.

I took advantage of our final day to walk up the mountain behind Fred’s house, Prospect Mountain. At 9800 feet is over two thousand feet higher than any mountain east of the Mississippi but out here it is not considered much more than a platform for antenna. The route to the top was not a trail but a dirt road. There is a tram that runs from near the top back down to Estes Park but it is broken right now. It did not matter; I enjoyed the view from the silent upper station and then continued up the half mile or so to the summit proper. The top of Prospect Mountain does not have the same clean summit as some of the other mountains; it is large and irregular. I suppose this makes it a better site for the numerous cell towers and radio masts that clutter it up. Even so, the views from the top are splendid and of course the walk up was redolent with Aspens doing their golden best to look like an impressionist painting.

We all enjoyed our week in Estes Park. The best and most important part was the chance for us to spend time with Helen, Fred, and Pam. The hiking, shopping, and rides in the park were not nearly as important as the time spent sharing meals, drinks, talking, and just spending time together. It was fortunate that we able to do all that in such a lovely location at just the right time of the year.

Really Old JOW

I have been working weekends at the Texas Renaissance Fair. This got me thinking about the age old concept of laughter. Although humans have certainly had a sense of humor the things that make us laugh are not always funny to us today. Researching for ancient jokes I found most of them unamusing; some were completely incomprehensible. There are a number of topics which seem to have been thought of as funny throughout the ages. Much as it pains us politically correct westerners, we have always laughed at other people's infirmities or idiosyncrasies. The blind, hunchbacks, dwarfs and retarded have been butts for our jokes. Schadenfreude, the pleasure of delighting in somebody else's misfortune, may not be quite as cruel as it used to be, but we still laugh at somebody slipping on the proverbial banana skin. Bodily functions too have tickled our funny bone. The world's oldest joke at least according to the University of Wolverhampton dates to before 1600 BCE; it is a rather unfunny reference to flatulence. Apparently toilet humor is even older than toilets. Not quite as down to earth has been satire, the art of poking fun at the powers that be; and rarest of all has always been the gentle flower of self-mockery.
------------------------------

I found an ancient version of Monty Python's ‘dead parrot’ sketch which has a man buy a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well he didn't die when I owned him."
+++++++++++++++

There is a very old joke about a man, just back from a trip abroad, who went to a fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father."
When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years.
Thinking fast the fortune teller replied "You have no clue who your real father is."

--------------------------
The Greeks seemed to have something of a modern sense of humor; they certainly enjoyed puns.
For example in the Odyssey, Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is ‘nobody’. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops calls out to his allies: "Help, nobody is attacking me!"
So no one comes to help him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The oldest known joke book, written in Greek, by Philogelos, or The Laughter Lover, dates to the third or fourth century AD, and contains some 260 jokes. Some are almost repeated almost identically as if the author was giving you a nudge and saying “Get it? Get it?” There are some jokes that concern eunuchs, slaves, and such that are lost on a modern audience. Overly intellectual men who have no common sense are a common theme that resonates today. Some of these ancient jokes could work on the current TV show, “Big Bang Theory.”
………………………….
When an intellectual was told, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance to wait for it.
Another intellectual asked what he was doing.
When told he said: "I'm not surprised that people say we intellectuals lack common sense. How do you know that it's not coming in by the other gate?"
………………….
An intellectual was on a sea voyage when a big storm blew up, causing his slaves who were with him to weep in terror.
‘Don’t cry,’ he consoled them, ‘If the boat sinks have freed you all in my will.’

***********************
Sometimes royalty was credited with humor:

A Greek king was asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut; the king replied: "In silence."

Even the first Roman emperor had a sense of humor.

The Emperor Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.
Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"
"No your Highness," the man boldly replied, "but my father was." (Credited to Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)
_______________________

The oldest British joke, that I could find (it is actually a riddle) dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons –
"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?”
Answer: “A key."

=================================
Various jokes written by Leonardo da Vinci in his notebooks have survived to us, such as the following:

It was asked of a painter why he could paint beautiful figures, which were but dead things, while his children who were alive were all so ugly; to which the painter replied that he made his pictures by day and his children by night.



Tom

Donated JOW

One of the advantages of sending out a Joke of the Week is that I get jokes back. I suppose we all get a fair amount of humor sent to us through the email system; still, I like the jokes people send me. It is very interesting how many versions of the same basic joke make the rounds; and sometimes I get a joke I have not heard before. So please continue to send me your offerings. I have picked a few of the latest for your amusement.

Charlie sent me several offerings for the JOW. Here are two of them:

A three year old observed her pregnant mom getting in the shower.
“Mommy, you’re getting fat,” she announced.
“Yes, honey, remember mommy has a baby growing in her belly,” explained the mother patiently.
“I know,” her daughter replied, “but what is growing in your behind?
-------------------------

A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. She stood right next to her dad eating a snack cake while he had his hair cut.
The barber said to her, “Little girl, you’re gonna get some hair on your Twinkie.”
“Yes, I know, and mom says I am going to get boobs, too.”

Richard and I debated the merits of this Aggie joke. My people thought it was funny.

Two Texas A&M Aggies wearing their rings and typical Aggie gear stopped off at the bait shop to get some worms on their way to go bass fishing at Toledo Bend.
"How much for a can of worms", asked the young Aggie.
An Aggie himself, the proprietor said, "For you boys, take all you need for a dollar!"
Well, in that case," said the Aggie, "we'll take two dollars worth."

Mike sent me this one -

I was at a wedding reception recently and someone yelled ...
"Will all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

This one was from Dan

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: “Milton,
The house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole House. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin,
I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good, though. Thanks."

"Michael,
You gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin,
You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love,
Mama

High Altitude JOW

I am spending some time in the mountains of Colorado this week, so my Joke of the Week has fewer sweat stains on it. I am in Estes Park, about a mile from the entrance to Rocky Mountain National Park, up around 8,000 feet; I am learning to appreciate the simple things – like breathing. Colorado is an unusual state. They think that ‘high humidity’ is anything over 25%.
My JOW this week deals in high altitude and wilderness humor followed by some new versions of that high altitude aesthetic, the Dalai Lama.
Famous last words in mountain climbing

• I'm sure this way is the right way
• I'm okay-It's just a little headache
• No reason to belay up with the ropes. I know where every crevasse is
• I am sure the rope reaches all the way to the bottom
• Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.
============================================

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.
……………………………………
In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said," her phone battery died."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, while the Dalai Lama is one of the greatest in the line of Tibetan Dalai Lamas, there is a whole other school of lesser, and perhaps slightly less illuminating, lamas little known to the West. This list comes from a contest sponsored by the web magazine Hundred Mountain: a Journal of the Spirit and the Arts at www.hundredmountain.com
(Buddy) Holly LAMAS: This little known offshoot of the Dalai Lama is a small band --- literally --- of wandering musician/monks who practice the Lama Rama Dhamma. The group is easily recognized by their horned-rimmed glasses, penny loafers and giant orange hats. They spread the dharma at bars and small concerts of fellow seekers. With electrified thumb cymbals they blend rock and roll with traditional Tibetan music to sold-out crowds. Their current world tour features their new hit single, "Peggy Sutra."
DILLY DALY LAMA: This Australian master is the 12th reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Procrastination. He lives at an undisclosed location in the Australian Outback. To become a student of his, one must undergo the trial of Beating Around the Bush, wherein the potential disciple wanders throughout the Outback trying to get to The Pointe, the Dilly Dally Lama's temple and home. Few people ever make it to The Pointe, and those who do have missed the point of the teaching which, needless to say, is very indirect and unspecific.
JOLLY LAMA: An attempt to blend Tibetan Buddhism with the Santa Claus tradition so as to appeal to more Westerners. He and his monks were easily recognized by their red robes with white trim.
BALI LAMA: While many great Tibetan teachers settled in India or came West, this one went to the sunny island of Bali, where he could usually be found making sand mandalas under a beach umbrella, sipping iced butter tea.
POLLY LAMA: This colorful Lama hails from the jungles of Central America. He meditates by repeating phrases spoken to him and eschews the saffron robes for brighter colors. He lives an ascetic life, eating little, and showing a decided preference for crackers.
DOLLY LAMA: Seeking enlightenment through country music and meditating on the cosmic significance of water slides in her natural habitat in the Great Smoky Mountains, this robust-breasted soul comfortably seats two.
WALLY LAMA: Lives a monastic lifestyle in community with such like-minded devotees as the Lumpy Lama, the Eddie Lama, the Beav, Ward and June lamas.
RAMEN LAMA: Formerly a Zen monk, this lama can be found at food stalls on train stations in Tokyo, slurping down noodles and giving blessings to passing commuters.
LLAMA LAMA: He set up a site in the Andes and seeks solace via raising pack animals to ease the burdens of the native people. (Peter Arroyo)
THE DALI LAMA: Founded a practice that encourages followers to realize their surreal self. Most noted for his feat of melting clocks while meditating on the nonexistence of time. When practitioners reach enlightenment they instantly sprout a thin, smile-shaped mustache and have a blissful wild-eyed stare. The high teachers of this sect, however, are not what they appear to be.
COLLIE LAMA: Living in the mountains north of Los Angeles, this compassionate canine teaches humans worldwide about unconditional love and kindness. Better known to the western world as Lassie, generations have learned about devotion and loyalty.
THE DELI LAMA: He'll make you one with everything. Famous for saying "Let's do lunch."


Tom

Gone Fishing JOW

I had the great pleasure of going fishing in and around Matagorda Bay in south Texas, one of the great coastal fisheries in the US. We were after Red Fish, Black Drum, Flounder, and Trout. Most of the time we were wading in water one to four feet deep. I really enjoy wade fishing – there is a peaceful timelessness to it, combining the need for concentration and yet allowing you the opportunity to observe the great natural beauty all around you. The Texas coast is a very rich habitat with many birds, marine mammals, and all manner of aquatic life. Of course, there's a fine line between wade fishing and just splashing around looking like an idiot. I'm great at fishing, just not so good at catching. Fortunately I was with three really expert fishermen; I guess their skill is contagious because even I caught some good fish. And when I say good I do not just mean good-sized, I mean tasty.
Going fishing always reminds me of that great bit of wisdom: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...
So here are some fishing-related jokes for your amusement.

==============================
Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety of bait and lures and rent a boat. After a long day of fishing, the two fishermen return to the dock. The first
fisherman pulls their only catch from the live well, a scrawny fish just legal size. He says, ‘Boy!
This fish cost us about $75.’
The second fisherman says, ‘Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more or we’d be broke.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A warden walks up to a fly fisherman with a cooler full of Rainbow trout in a catch & release area. The warden says, ”You know…it’s illegal to keep those fish you caught?”
The fisherman answers, “I didn’t catch those, they’re my pet fish, I bring them down here from home once a day so they can swim around and when I whistle they come back and jump in the cooler and I take them back home”.
The warden says,” I don’t believe it”.
So the fisherman dumps the cooler and the fish swim off.
After a few minutes the warden says, “Well...when are you going to whistle to bring the fish back?”
“What fish?”
_____________________
These two guys are ice fishin’; one says: “they ain’t bitin”.
The other one notices a snowmobile and says: “Well, those guys that are trolling don’t look like they’re catchin’ much either.”

+++++++++++++++++++
A more-than-slightly intoxicated fisherman decided to go ice fishing. As he began to cut a hole in the ice, a resonating voice from above came booming down, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The ice fisher was slightly taken aback, but continued trying to cut a hole in the ice.
Again, the voice came booming down, ”There are no fish under the ice!”
The fisherman responded, “God, is that you? Why do you keep telling me there are no fish under the ice?”
The voice boomed back, “Because I am the owner this ice rink, you fool!”

******************
Two blondes were fishing by a stream one day when a game warden suddenly appeared. Upon seeing the ladies he struck up a conversation which eventually led to the question, “Do you gals have fishing licenses?”
“We don’t need fishing licenses,” one of the blondes replied. “We’re using magnets to dredge the bottom for debris.”
Somewhat perplexed, the warden demanded to see those magnets. The blondes complied and reeled in their rigs, and sure enough, magnets were attached to the ends of their lines.
“OK’” grumbled the warden, as he left.
When he was out of sight, one of the blondes giggled, “Stupid warden doesn’t know there’s steelhead in here!”

………………………………………………
One man's passion was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.
"What terrible weather today, Honey," he murmured in her ear.
"Yes, she answered, “can you believe my idiot husband went fishing in this?"

-------------------------------------
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a fish hook. Then I sold him some line. Then I sold him some lures and tackle. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 pickup truck."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"



Tom

Alaskan JOW

You might have noticed that there was no JOW last week. That was because Ruth and I fled the oppressive heat of the greater Houston area and took an Alaskan cruise. For a long wonderful week we rediscovered the pleasures of long sleeves and even jackets. Of course the scenery was spectacular and we were able to have some great adventures.
With Alaska still on my mind I thought that it would make a good topic for my JOW - anything to get my mind off the continuing forecasts for triple digit heat here.
…………………………………

In Alaska when someone refers to "the BIG one" it's important to clarify whether they are talking about a King salmon, Mt. McKinley, or the 1964 earthquake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Alaskan: Boy, it was too bad to hear about Bob's car accident; he suffered so much brain damage they had to ship him off to the Lower 48.
Second Alaskan: Yes, that's too bad, how long do they figure he'll be in the hospital?
First Alaskan: Hospital? Who said anything about a hospital?

===============================
Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals--you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take-off."
"That's baloney", says Bruce.
"Yeah," Lloyd agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn't afraid to take off."
"Yeah," said Bruce, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said "Where are we?"
Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say, about a hundred yards further than last year."
++++++++++++++++++

Two Lower48ers are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes along and says "Hey, you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier."
The two hunters say "Hey, good idea!" So they start dragging it the other way.
About two hours later one outsider looks at the other and says "Hey, this was a good idea, it is easier this way."
The other outsider says, "Yeah, but we keep getting further away from the truck."
__________________

George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.
"Geez, Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.
"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU GOTTA KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"

………………………………………..
Here are a few Alaskan terms:

Cheechako: Anyone new to Alaska.
Sourdough: Anyone old to Alaska.
Cache (cash): A very small, food storage cabin - elevated out of reach of animals and your kids.
Ice Worm: Small, very tiny worms that actually live in glacial ice.
Bear Insurance: Guns: 44 magnum, 12 gauge shotgun, high caliber rifle or small, handheld nuclear weapon.
Bear Insurance #2: It's the best protection of all...always be with someone you can outrun.
Permanent Fund: Money from the state for living in Alaska.
Tin Dog: Snowmobile, Ski-Doo
Alaskan Sneakers: Waders - leg, hip, or chest waders.
____________________
Sourdough, complaining: "Awwwh, there is so much we must do without in Alaska; we must do without freeways, snakes, scorpions, tornados, hurricanes, cockroaches, poison ivy and poison oak, a state sales tax, a state income tax, alligators, black widow spiders,.........


Tom