Working of the JOW

This JOW is dedicated to all those hard-working Americans who are still able to work at all.

An old blacksmith realized he needed some help. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do exactly whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

……………………………………….
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says a relieved Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

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These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. I could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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Here are some useful catch phrases for work –

• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.



A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The tech shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer geek were driving in a car when it suddenly stopped.
“Let me check the fuel,” offered the petroleum engineer, “It is probably bad gas.”
“No, let me check the engine,” said the mechanical engineer.
“I bet it is the electrical system,” opined the electrical engineer.
The computer geek shook his head. “First we need to open and close all the windows and then see if it will start.”

After AAA fixed the problem the four continued on their trip. They were heading down a steep winding road when the brakes suddenly failed. After a wild ride down they were finally able to get the car to coast to the side of the road. Shaken they all emerged from the car – each had a reason for the brake failure that nearly killed them.
“Bad brake fluid,” suggested the chemical engineer.
“Probably the mechanical shoes on the brakes,” offered the mechanical engineer.
“Undoubtedly a failure of the braking system electrical solenoid,” countered the electrical engineer.
The computer geek had his own suggestion – “I say we push the car up to the top of the hill, head down and see if it happens again.”


Tom

Deep Fried Southern JOW

There is a rich vein of humor about the American South; just think about the famous Blue Collar tour. It should not be surprising that we have so much to laugh about – after ridiculous things are often funny. So here are some regional jokes, a few observations about those Southern Girls, and a Southern slant on medical terms.
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A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test."
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The owner of a golf course in Florida was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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What would the South have been without those Southern Girls? They may be a dying breed but they sure are fun. Here are a few things every real Southern Girl knows -

• Southern girls know the three types of school:
Ballroom
Ballet
Charm

• Southern girls know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest

• Southern girls know their vacation spots:
The Beach
The Beach
The Beach

• Southern girls know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

• Southern girls what is good about June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses

• Southern girls know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Sugah

• Southern girls know their religions:
Catholic
Baptist
NASCAR
Football

• Southern girls know the seasons:
Spring Training
Practice
Football
Recruiting

• Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

• Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates

Finally, from Eric, some Southern Medical Terms

Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria........................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium…………………………….What they do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section............ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan.......................... Looking for Kitty
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma.............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate…………………………..To live a long time
Enema............................ Not a friend
Fester............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................. A small lie
Impotent………………………..Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates………………………..Cheaper than day rates
Node............................. I knew it
Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............... A letter carrier
Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor………………………..One plus one more
Urine………………………….Opposite of you’re out


Tom

Good Humored JOW

It seems that about half of you did not find my “Manly JOW” amusing – guess which half. I have spent a fair amount of time cogitating about humor - what is funny and what isn’t. My research has confirmed that a lot of famously smart people have also had something to say about humor.

• "Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." Francis Bacon

• "A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing." William James

• "If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." Mahatma Gandhi

• "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.” Henry Ward Beecher

• "The secret to humor is surprise." Aristotle

But in the end I came to agree with the thoughts of the two wise men below:

• "Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind." E. B. White

• "Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people." Robert Benchley

After all those deep thoughts here are a couple of actual jokes:

Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"
Priest: "No, not if you did not know."
Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

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A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant. Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Don provided me with these - Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible…. and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height--which seems to vary.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off
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Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Two more random thoughts

• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

• Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'


Tom

Manly JOW

I have a manly JOW this week. I start with a couple of unrelated jokes before I get into some observations about men, ending with a “Manliness Quotient” multiple choice test.

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Accountants claim restaurants often have problems with their books since there is no accounting for taste
…………………………..

As they wait for the bus, Mother says to little Johnny, "Tell the driver you're four years old
so you can ride for free."
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny, “How old are you?"
"I am four years old."
"And when will you be five years old?"
"When I get off the bus."

Understanding Men

• All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even Rambo; (especially Rambo).
• Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.
• Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?" Of course how many women remember Babe Ruth's lifetime ERA (2.28) or Johnny Damon's batting average in 2005 (.316)
• Men are self-confident because we grow up identifying with superheroes and sports stars. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
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Here is a simple multiple choice test to see rate your “manliness-factor”
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Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she really loves you, but and can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe there is some kind of future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes,
you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The remote control.

In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Making love together
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sports Center

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) Not a concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

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If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, you may need therapy, you’re still a little confused.

If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.


Tom