As some of you know Ruth is starting college this week down at the University of Texas Pan America. This means I am now married to a hot college co-ed; well hot in flashes anyway. There is a joke that goes: What are you going to be when you get out of school? Old! Well Ruth has a head start on that already. She is looking forward to her adventure as she starts her training as a Physician’s Assistant.
I have a couple of Olympics based jokes but frankly the Olympics aren’t all that funny, so this JOW morphed into some Irish jokes.
==================
While walking through the Olympic Village...
A reporter meets a man carrying a long fiberglass pole and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?” “No,” says the man, “I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman attended The Olympic Games as spectators, but failed to get tickets for the main stadium.
The Englishman took a cannonball and got in by saying, 'I'm representing England in The shot.'
The Scotsman took a long pole and got in by saying, 'I'm representing Scotland in The pole vault.'
The Irishman took half a dozen stakes and three rolls of barbed wire and said to the official, 'I'm representing Ireland in fencing.'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The French, German, and Irish fencers are arguing over who is the best in their sport.
The Frenchman pulls out his foil: “I will show you all!” He targets a fly buzzing around, and with one swipe of his blade, the fly falls to the ground, cut neatly in half. The German smiles. He locates another fly, and with two swipes, it falls to the ground, its wings neatly removed. Now it’s the Irishman’s turn. Lifting his foil, he takes three swipes at a fly, which flutters off, undisturbed. The others laugh, but the Irishman holds up his hands.
“That fly,” he says, “will never procreate again.”
…………………………………
Q: How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
And here are some good old Irish jokes from Tom
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
_________________
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid
a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For God’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
---------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
_________________
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Vacation JOW
It is high summer and lots of people are planning a vacation, have recently been on a vacation, or are actually on a vacation right now. If you are on your vacation and are checking your email, shame on you. It seems like vacations describe an arc: Planning- Where are you going? Anticipation - When are you leaving? Enjoyment - Why did put this off so long? And then when you return to work, Regret - Why did I do it?
Here are a few vacation oriented jokes and a few others just for fun.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"
"Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier."
"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks.
**********************
From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands as the big ship sailed past.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."
___________________________
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving to work, a man had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am going to have to charge you with tacks evasion."
============================
I just got a new pet fish but I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. You see, he's a parrot fish - but the thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Finally, Tor sent me this one. Some people have asked me about Tor’s name. Not his last name which is spelled like mine, but his first. ‘Tor’ is the proper Norwegian spelling for the Norse god Thor. People sometimes say me, “Tor must be smart because he is a Pinney, but is he good looking , too?”
“I always tell them the truth – Tor looks exactly like a slightly smaller version of the actor Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor in the movies… in a certain light… at a distance. And here is his joke:
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing not half my age.
I asked a trainer that was nearby, "What machine should I use to impress that pretty girl over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."
Here are a few vacation oriented jokes and a few others just for fun.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"
"Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier."
"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks.
**********************
From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands as the big ship sailed past.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."
___________________________
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving to work, a man had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am going to have to charge you with tacks evasion."
============================
I just got a new pet fish but I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. You see, he's a parrot fish - but the thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Finally, Tor sent me this one. Some people have asked me about Tor’s name. Not his last name which is spelled like mine, but his first. ‘Tor’ is the proper Norwegian spelling for the Norse god Thor. People sometimes say me, “Tor must be smart because he is a Pinney, but is he good looking , too?”
“I always tell them the truth – Tor looks exactly like a slightly smaller version of the actor Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor in the movies… in a certain light… at a distance. And here is his joke:
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing not half my age.
I asked a trainer that was nearby, "What machine should I use to impress that pretty girl over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Battle of the Sexes JOW
My topic this week is the eternal battle of the sexes. Men and women find one another endlessly amusing because we are, well, different. Of course, men have to be very careful about woman jokes. It’s all very well gazing upon a hornet’s nest, but prodding it with a big stick is not recommended. That said, I got the first joke from Tom. Ladies, should you care to look him up to extract revenge, I can provide you with his address for a small fee. Oh, and he also gave me any ‘other’ jokes you may find objectionable as well.
++++++++++++++++
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of Jack Daniels. It's whiskey that does all that sh*t.
Never mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines feature pictures of naked women, too. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is not only because the female body is a beautiful work of art, but because most movies have been produced by men. Men might show their butts in movies, but only because butt size doesn't really matter to men.
========================
Here are a few quick gender rips:
• If a woman's work is never done, maybe that's why she gets paid less
• What do you call the useless flap of skin at the end of a penis? A man.
• How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t be stupid, none of them have a house.
• Why are men like used cars? Because they’re all over the place, cheap, and unreliable.
• A man tried to use the word ‘penis’ as his password. He got an error message saying it wasn’t long enough.
Men and Women are just different.
• A man has about five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is about 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women on a ‘girl's night out’ talk the whole time. Men on a ‘boy's night out’ say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' and ‘Got anymore beer?'
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats
Men and women also define things differently. Here are just a few examples:
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
How can you tell if a person is a man or woman?
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
There are lots of jokes about Adam and Eve in the Garden.
Man says to God, "God, why did you make Woman so beautiful?"
God says to Man, "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
Another day in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Woman.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
The Man immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"
"Well, OK, here.” The man goes off happy. God rummages about a bit more in the bag. “Now, let's see what we have left to give to Woman." "Ah, right - multiple orgasms."
---------------------
When the Garden of Eden was still new when things were still fluid and flexible, God came walking in the Garden. Seeing Adam alone, he asked the Man where the Woman had gone.
“Well, it’s been about twenty eight days since you created us and Eve began to feel a bit out of sorts, and she began to have a little sort of smelly discharge so she went to the river to wash herself off.”
“Oh, no!” God said in despair, “now all the fish will smell like that.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Finally when editing my book some of my editors got into wonderful punctuation wars. This is not a trivial thing. The example below highlights The Importance Of Correct Punctuation
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Compared to this –
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
++++++++++++++++
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of Jack Daniels. It's whiskey that does all that sh*t.
Never mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines feature pictures of naked women, too. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is not only because the female body is a beautiful work of art, but because most movies have been produced by men. Men might show their butts in movies, but only because butt size doesn't really matter to men.
========================
Here are a few quick gender rips:
• If a woman's work is never done, maybe that's why she gets paid less
• What do you call the useless flap of skin at the end of a penis? A man.
• How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t be stupid, none of them have a house.
• Why are men like used cars? Because they’re all over the place, cheap, and unreliable.
• A man tried to use the word ‘penis’ as his password. He got an error message saying it wasn’t long enough.
Men and Women are just different.
• A man has about five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is about 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women on a ‘girl's night out’ talk the whole time. Men on a ‘boy's night out’ say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' and ‘Got anymore beer?'
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats
Men and women also define things differently. Here are just a few examples:
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
How can you tell if a person is a man or woman?
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
There are lots of jokes about Adam and Eve in the Garden.
Man says to God, "God, why did you make Woman so beautiful?"
God says to Man, "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
Another day in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Woman.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
The Man immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"
"Well, OK, here.” The man goes off happy. God rummages about a bit more in the bag. “Now, let's see what we have left to give to Woman." "Ah, right - multiple orgasms."
---------------------
When the Garden of Eden was still new when things were still fluid and flexible, God came walking in the Garden. Seeing Adam alone, he asked the Man where the Woman had gone.
“Well, it’s been about twenty eight days since you created us and Eve began to feel a bit out of sorts, and she began to have a little sort of smelly discharge so she went to the river to wash herself off.”
“Oh, no!” God said in despair, “now all the fish will smell like that.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Finally when editing my book some of my editors got into wonderful punctuation wars. This is not a trivial thing. The example below highlights The Importance Of Correct Punctuation
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Compared to this –
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Church JOW
This JOW is quite early for a reason: my sailboat is departing from New Orleans in the morning and I intend to rejoin her to complete the journey we began several weeks ago in Key West. I felt it was better to inflict my humor early and then leave town.
My theme this week was inspired by Don and Pastor Gary who provided me with some good old church jokes. First
Ole did not trust banks – go figure. But finally he was persuaded to take his cash out of his mattress and deposit into a bank. He made the long journey into town and paused looking at the town’s two banks; one was new, slick, and modern, the other starkly old fashioned.
After a moment of consideration he went into the new bank.
“Ah, Ole, are you coming to open an account with us at last?” bubbled the cheerful teller. “Let me set you up.” She explained all the different options to old Ole and then prepared to open his checking account. “All we need now is your signature.”
Ole became very agitated at that. He knew how much trouble he could get into by signing a document at a bank.
“I ain’t signing nothing!”
“But Ole, we need your signature if we are going to allow you to write checks.”
Ole was obdurate. “I ain’t signin’ nothing.”
Eventually she gave up and called in her supervisor but even he could not persuade the old Norwegian to give them a signature. Finally Ole stalked out of the bank and crossed the street to the old fashioned bank. Unlike the open airy modern bank this one had the old fashioned high counters with barred openings for the tellers.
Ole asked the old teller behind the grill about opening an account there.
“No problem, Ole, we can set you right up. Let’s count your money and we can open an account.”
It was done. “Now all we need is your signature, Ole.”
“Ah, no, I ain’t signing nothing” he snarled.
“Ole, we gotta have your signature or we can’t open your account.”
“I ain’t signing!”
The old teller knew just how stubborn Ole could be. Instead of arguing with him he just reached through the bars of the grill, grabbed Ole by the collar and slammed his head a few times into the bars.
“Now, sign here!” he demanded and gave Ole a pen.
Ole, dazed, shook his head, took the pen and signed the signature card.
Leaving the old bank, checkbook in hand Ole ran into the young teller from the first bank on her way to lunch.
“Why Ole, I see you have a checking account now. Why did you choose them over us?”
“Because they explained it better.”
------------------------------------------------------
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church.
"I'm not going," he told her.
"Why not?" she asked.
“I hate going to church,” he sniveled through his locked bedroom door, “it’s boring, the people there don't like me, and I don't like them. Just give me two good reasons I should get up and go."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons: you're 59 years old, and you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
My theme this week was inspired by Don and Pastor Gary who provided me with some good old church jokes. First
Ole did not trust banks – go figure. But finally he was persuaded to take his cash out of his mattress and deposit into a bank. He made the long journey into town and paused looking at the town’s two banks; one was new, slick, and modern, the other starkly old fashioned.
After a moment of consideration he went into the new bank.
“Ah, Ole, are you coming to open an account with us at last?” bubbled the cheerful teller. “Let me set you up.” She explained all the different options to old Ole and then prepared to open his checking account. “All we need now is your signature.”
Ole became very agitated at that. He knew how much trouble he could get into by signing a document at a bank.
“I ain’t signing nothing!”
“But Ole, we need your signature if we are going to allow you to write checks.”
Ole was obdurate. “I ain’t signin’ nothing.”
Eventually she gave up and called in her supervisor but even he could not persuade the old Norwegian to give them a signature. Finally Ole stalked out of the bank and crossed the street to the old fashioned bank. Unlike the open airy modern bank this one had the old fashioned high counters with barred openings for the tellers.
Ole asked the old teller behind the grill about opening an account there.
“No problem, Ole, we can set you right up. Let’s count your money and we can open an account.”
It was done. “Now all we need is your signature, Ole.”
“Ah, no, I ain’t signing nothing” he snarled.
“Ole, we gotta have your signature or we can’t open your account.”
“I ain’t signing!”
The old teller knew just how stubborn Ole could be. Instead of arguing with him he just reached through the bars of the grill, grabbed Ole by the collar and slammed his head a few times into the bars.
“Now, sign here!” he demanded and gave Ole a pen.
Ole, dazed, shook his head, took the pen and signed the signature card.
Leaving the old bank, checkbook in hand Ole ran into the young teller from the first bank on her way to lunch.
“Why Ole, I see you have a checking account now. Why did you choose them over us?”
“Because they explained it better.”
------------------------------------------------------
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church.
"I'm not going," he told her.
"Why not?" she asked.
“I hate going to church,” he sniveled through his locked bedroom door, “it’s boring, the people there don't like me, and I don't like them. Just give me two good reasons I should get up and go."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons: you're 59 years old, and you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Fourth of JOW
It will be the Fourth of July this Wednesday, Independence Day, the anniversary of the initial ‘initialing’ of the Declaration of Independence. I try to keep my JOW offerings topical, but frankly, there are not many good jokes about the Fourth. I have a few items that are somewhat related to that theme and a couple that are wildly unrelated. Enjoy.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'
Okay, I probably need to do something that is NOT related to Independence Day.
So this moth flutters into a podiatrist's office.
The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
------------------------------
When we think of the venal idiots that we have elected to Congress it is well to remember that we have always had a generally low opinion of our elected representatives. As bad as this current crop is, (and they are very bad) they are no worse and in some ways even better than the charlatans, fools, and scoundrels that have come before them. Samuel Clemens was probably the best at sticking in the needle. Here are some of his quotations that are accurately attributed.
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
Some more topical political quotes –
-In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
-The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
-What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
-Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Here are some kid jokes for the holiday.
• What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
• What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic turtle!
• What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
• Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. That’s how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.
• What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
• Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians
Some stupid riddles -
Q: How many fireworks techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb, one to say ‘fire in the hole’.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: DINOMITE!
Q: Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
A: Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"
Q: What is the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
To wrap things up here is a service dog joke.
A couple goes to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a woman and her service dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn't call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said "We can't believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie."
The dog's owner replied "Me either. He didn't like the book.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'
Okay, I probably need to do something that is NOT related to Independence Day.
So this moth flutters into a podiatrist's office.
The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
------------------------------
When we think of the venal idiots that we have elected to Congress it is well to remember that we have always had a generally low opinion of our elected representatives. As bad as this current crop is, (and they are very bad) they are no worse and in some ways even better than the charlatans, fools, and scoundrels that have come before them. Samuel Clemens was probably the best at sticking in the needle. Here are some of his quotations that are accurately attributed.
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
Some more topical political quotes –
-In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
-The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
-What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
-Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Here are some kid jokes for the holiday.
• What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
• What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic turtle!
• What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
• Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. That’s how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.
• What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
• Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians
Some stupid riddles -
Q: How many fireworks techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb, one to say ‘fire in the hole’.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: DINOMITE!
Q: Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
A: Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"
Q: What is the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
To wrap things up here is a service dog joke.
A couple goes to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a woman and her service dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn't call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said "We can't believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie."
The dog's owner replied "Me either. He didn't like the book.”
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