My JOW this week is just full of cautionary warnings. You just can’t be too careful these days. Let me start with an example of not researching inputs; especially when cranky staff members are involved. I am not sure if this is a true story or not, but I can verify the accuracy of all the other elements such as the name of the rail line that goes around the park. The story rings true.
Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.
They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Sh*t Anyhow?"
A cautionary tale from Tom & Martha
Two robins were sitting in a tree on a beautiful sunny day. One said to the other "Let’s go down and get some of those beautiful earthworms below."
Down they went where they pigged out. One said to the other, lets put our feet and bellies up in the air and bask in the sun. They did and quickly fell asleep
.Along came a big hungry cat who licked his lips and said
“Just what I needed, two big Baskin Robins!”
Another cautionary old joke
A sad-looking man sat at the bar in a crowded tavern. A drink sat on the bar in front of him, untouched. A beefy truck driver walked in, stepped up to the bar next to him, and waited impatiently to be served. When the bartender didn't appear, the truck driver looked over at the sad man's drink for a minute or two. Then he reached over, picked up the drink, and downed it in one gulp. The man sad looked up at him in shock and began to cry.
The truck driver, taken aback, felt contrite. Apparently this man had had a very bad day. He said, "Come on man, I was just joking. I'll buy you another drink. Just stop blubbering. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."
"It's not that," the sad man replied. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and got to my office late. My boss fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it had been stolen. The police said that they could do little or nothing. I got a cab to return home and when it drove away, I realized that I had left my wallet and credit cards on the back seat. I went inside and find my wife in bed with my best friend, so I left home and came to this bar. I was just thinking about putting an end to my life - when you showed up and drank my poison..."
Bil made this offering on the dangers of honest
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
Finally, a cautionary 'tail' of shaggy prawn jokes
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
Just then a mysterious codfish appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn't believe his luck - he figured the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begged the cod to change him back,
"Your wish is granted!" - lo and behold - he became a prawn again.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's worse.)
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal but he wasn't there. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin - your old friend! Come out and see me again!"
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed!"
(Wait for it...)
...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inaugural JOW #439
The Big Inauguration has been the main news for a few days now. I thought it was time to poke a bit of fun at Washingtonians. Barack is hard to make fun of; in fact with Bush & Clinton out of office and OJ in jail, late night comics are going to be starved for subject matter. Jay picked a bad time to expand his time on the tube.
First, an old line from Bob Hope
"It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."
Why did Obama cross the road?
So the Washington press corps could fawn over his road-crossing ability.
How did a GS-1 shut down the federal government?
He went into a crowded cafeteria and shouted "Snowflake!"
=====================
Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard...
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem," said the Wizard. "Who's next?"
George H W Bush stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and said: "The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"
Bill looks around and in a quiet voice asks, "Is Dorothy Here?"
==========================
You Know You're in D.C. When...
• People just call the city "DC"
• The government closes schools because there is a 40% CHANCE of snow (That is if they aren't already closed to fix the roofs)
• Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow in 1996 "THE GREAT BLIZZARD"
• All the people on the city board know each other from their time in prison together
• Drivers pick up perfect strangers at bus stops so that they can drive in the HOV during rush hour.
• You spend 2 hours to find a parking space and it's for "One Hour Only"
• The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building.
• People give directions by how long it will take to get to the destination at different times of the day.
• The weather man declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees with only 90% humidity and you are happy.
• Diplomat plates bring on anxiety attacks.
• The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rush to the grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper...and you don't even have a baby.
• You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend.
• You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your $300,000 house directly into your neighbor's window 4 feet away.
• Nobody you know actually makes anything.
• Most of your friends want to become "independent consultants" (or already are)
• All of your friends are either:
o Lawyers
o Techies
o Work for some gov't organization with a short abbreviation(i.e. IRS,DOD,DOE, FAA, EPA....you get the idea)
o Work "for the Pentagon" or "on the Hill" or for "the White House" (i.e. they work for a location, but not for anyone)
• People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other.
• You can spend every weekend going to free things, with all the billion other people who had the same idea.
• You stop someone on the street to ask for directions, and 75% of the time they say "Oh sorry, I'm just visiting".
And finally, one of a series from Don
A man and a woman were sound asleep in their bed. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh*t. That must be my husband!'
The man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He mashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
First, an old line from Bob Hope
"It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."
Why did Obama cross the road?
So the Washington press corps could fawn over his road-crossing ability.
How did a GS-1 shut down the federal government?
He went into a crowded cafeteria and shouted "Snowflake!"
=====================
Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard...
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem," said the Wizard. "Who's next?"
George H W Bush stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and said: "The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"
Bill looks around and in a quiet voice asks, "Is Dorothy Here?"
==========================
You Know You're in D.C. When...
• People just call the city "DC"
• The government closes schools because there is a 40% CHANCE of snow (That is if they aren't already closed to fix the roofs)
• Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow in 1996 "THE GREAT BLIZZARD"
• All the people on the city board know each other from their time in prison together
• Drivers pick up perfect strangers at bus stops so that they can drive in the HOV during rush hour.
• You spend 2 hours to find a parking space and it's for "One Hour Only"
• The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building.
• People give directions by how long it will take to get to the destination at different times of the day.
• The weather man declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees with only 90% humidity and you are happy.
• Diplomat plates bring on anxiety attacks.
• The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rush to the grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper...and you don't even have a baby.
• You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend.
• You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your $300,000 house directly into your neighbor's window 4 feet away.
• Nobody you know actually makes anything.
• Most of your friends want to become "independent consultants" (or already are)
• All of your friends are either:
o Lawyers
o Techies
o Work for some gov't organization with a short abbreviation(i.e. IRS,DOD,DOE, FAA, EPA....you get the idea)
o Work "for the Pentagon" or "on the Hill" or for "the White House" (i.e. they work for a location, but not for anyone)
• People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other.
• You can spend every weekend going to free things, with all the billion other people who had the same idea.
• You stop someone on the street to ask for directions, and 75% of the time they say "Oh sorry, I'm just visiting".
And finally, one of a series from Don
A man and a woman were sound asleep in their bed. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh*t. That must be my husband!'
The man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He mashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Richards Revenge JOW #438
I get lots of good ideas sent to me by JOW sufferers. I often pass them on. This week my friend Dick outdid himself by providing two sets of wholly appropriate jokes. Dick is a banker by trade and as such is well qualified to provide comments about our economy.
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called WalMart Street - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar - Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds’. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's
New Stock Market Terms
• CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
• BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
• VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER - What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW-The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called WalMart Street - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar - Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds’. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's
New Stock Market Terms
• CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
• BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
• VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER - What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW-The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Good Government JOW #437
Dick recommended I do some jokes about Illinois politics. Governor Blagojevich (a Polish name which translates as “Bad Toupee”) is making quite a spectacle of himself. I think he is going to have to rethink the whole concept of giving out his “Cell Number”. The most amazing thing about it is that he is so unapologetic. His view is that until he is tried and convicted he is totally innocent and until then it is business as usual. This may work for mafia dons, but the Governor is supposedly serving his public. Yeah, serving the same way a bull serves a cow. The guy must be going for the “Robert Mugabe Intransigence Award”. His latest transgression, profanely stating he would sell a seat to the US Senate, is no aberration; his entire tenure has been marked by incompetence and a veniality that startled even hardened Illinois politicos. From day one Blagojevich and his henchmen have had their hand out. Then he appoints one of his cronies to serve in the Senate. I just hope Roland Burris got a money back guarantee. It is all enough to make a Louisiana politician envious.
How about this for a new state motto:
Illinois – Where our governors make your license plates – personally.
The nightly talk shows are having a field day.
"But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, 'Would you like to be a senator. Well, what's it worth to you?' Well, I just hope to God this doesn't tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics." --David Letterman
"They've been doing some research into Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Have you seen this guy? Well, it turns out that thing on his head actually mated with that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman
They say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Blagojevich was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno
"It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you're in Chicago, you have Barack Obama's seat for sale, don't you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama's seat than her?" --Jimmy Kimmel
This is what politicians do whenever they get in trouble. Early this morning, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich invited several ministers into his home this morning. Well, first, he prayed with them. And then, you know, out of force of habit, he tried to take up a collection." --Jay Leno
"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was Governor -- You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.'" --Jay Leno
Kathy sent me this new one.
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces
the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers
is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him
too.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
“I think me mother-in-law may have caught a glimpse ....”
Finally, a joke from the old days—
The Pope, Bill Clinton and Mayor Daley in are in a lifeboat, lost at sea. Unfortunately, they only have enough drinking water for one person. The three of them decide to vote to determine who should get the water. They vote, and Daley wins 6 to 2.
How about this for a new state motto:
Illinois – Where our governors make your license plates – personally.
The nightly talk shows are having a field day.
"But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, 'Would you like to be a senator. Well, what's it worth to you?' Well, I just hope to God this doesn't tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics." --David Letterman
"They've been doing some research into Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Have you seen this guy? Well, it turns out that thing on his head actually mated with that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman
They say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Blagojevich was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno
"It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you're in Chicago, you have Barack Obama's seat for sale, don't you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama's seat than her?" --Jimmy Kimmel
This is what politicians do whenever they get in trouble. Early this morning, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich invited several ministers into his home this morning. Well, first, he prayed with them. And then, you know, out of force of habit, he tried to take up a collection." --Jay Leno
"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was Governor -- You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.'" --Jay Leno
Kathy sent me this new one.
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces
the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers
is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him
too.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
“I think me mother-in-law may have caught a glimpse ....”
Finally, a joke from the old days—
The Pope, Bill Clinton and Mayor Daley in are in a lifeboat, lost at sea. Unfortunately, they only have enough drinking water for one person. The three of them decide to vote to determine who should get the water. They vote, and Daley wins 6 to 2.
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