Grateful JOW #1006

I always enjoy Thanksgiving.  It gives me a reason to celebrate the astonishing good fortune we as a nation and I as an individual share. As a bonus, this time of year there is a hint of coolness in the mornings when I walk my dog.   I try to celebrate Thanksgiving by providing my family with the most expensive meat in the world: venison.  Why? Because they deserve it. 

I have done a lot of Thanksgiving jokes over the last 20 years but most of them aren’t all that funny to me.  Most are jokes about turkeys which always have a grim overtone.  Such as the one about the turkey trying to convince the Grinch to steal Thanksgiving this year.

Some turkey humor

·         The turkey to the horse.  ‘Dude, I have a ton of online followers and they all want me over for dinner.’

·         The medium looked at her turkey client and said, “I see you this Thanksgiving surrounded by family.  Well, not your family.

·         Imagine Thanksgiving turkey with surgeons.  “Who wants pectoralis major and who wants gastrocnemius?”

All too often Thanksgiving is viewed as more of a challenge than a celebration.  Here are a few quotes about the holidays

Thanksgiving is an emotional time.  People travel hundreds of miles to be with people they see only once a year.  And then discover that once a year is way too often.  – Johnny Carson

Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and then throw them out. – Nicole Hollander

Thanksgiving.  Not a good day to be my pants.  – Kevin James

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.   – Erma Bombeck

Some political Thanksgiving humor.

What is the Democrat’s favorite seafood?

Squid pro quo

And their favorite dessert?

Impeachment pie

And Donald Trump’s favorite bird these days?

U Crane

Some jokes about gratitude

A world famous painter in the prime of her career started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil this latest work of art.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

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The doctor gave his patient and good friend the news that with some simple pills the man would be completely healed.

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have mentioned you generously in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

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A TV-crew is sent to interview a farmer.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"
"Well, you know I am very grateful. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And most if my pig sows have had large litters of piglets, and that's great!"
"So would you like to express your gratitude to the President and his administration for your success?"
"Why the hell should I? Me and my family tended the land, fertilized it, put sweat and blood into it, the crops were a direct result of our hard work!"
"Well surely you have to give some credit to the President!"
"Yeah, if I think about it, I am not directly responsible for the piglets... If he wants to take credit for that, who am I to say it wasn't him?"

I must end this; time flies, even if turkeys don’t. Here are a few thoughts I try to remember

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.  Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Oh, and don’t forget to turn your bathroom scales back ten pounds on Wednesday night.

Redneck JOW #1005

In these sensitive times, ethnic jokes are the last taboo -- only a fool would take a shot at Mexicans or blacks or Lord help us, feminists, without a glance over the shoulder or a lowered voice. 

Example:  “How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?”

“Only one and that’s not funny.”

If you have a group of people who revel in their own identity, jokes about them are okay. Cajuns, for example. Or Jewish comedians like Leo Rosten telling Jewish jokes. Or Garrison Keillor about Catholics and Lutherans.  Rednecks, apparently, are also a group about which you can tell ethnic jokes with near impunity.  The best known redneck humorist is Jeff Foxworth who has made a very good living with his “You might be a redneck” one-liners.  His very first Redneck joke was: ‘If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board, you might be a redneck.’

Here a bunch of his jokes which start with “You might be a redneck if”

·         Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

·         You use lava soap more than three times a day.

·         You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

·         You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

·         You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

·         You’ve ever parked a Camaro in a tree.

·         You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.

·         Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

·         You ever got too drunk to fish.

·         More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general

·         You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.

·         You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

·         You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

·         There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

·         You own a homemade fur coat

·         Your family tree doesn’t have any branches.

·         Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”

·         You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

·         You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

·         You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

·         You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.

·         Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

·         Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

·         You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

·         You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.

·         You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.

·         There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. Fewer than half of your cars run. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does not run)

·         You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

·         You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader

·         You think the stock market has a fence around it. The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”

·         You've ever worn shorts to a funeral.

·         You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

·         People come to your house mistakenly thinking you’re having a yard sale.

A redneck and his friend, Tony, were out hunting ducks when suddenly, a magnificent mallard flew overhead.  Shouldering his shotgun, Tony blasted it from the sky.

"Great shot, huh?" he said.

"It sure was," said the redneck, "but you wasted a bullet."

"What are you talking about?"

"The fall alone would have killed it."

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

·         I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

·         Duct tape won't fix that.

·         Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

·         Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

·         We don't keep firearms in this house.

·         Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

·         You can't feed that to the dog.

·         I thought Graceland was tacky.

·         No kids in the back of the pick-up; it's not safe.

·         Wrasslin's fake.

·         Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

·         We're vegetarians.

·         Do you think my hair is too big?

·         I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

·         Honey, do these Bonsai trees need watering?

·         Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

·         Deer heads detract from the decor.

·         Spitting is such a nasty habit.

·         I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

·         Trim the fat off that steak.

·         Cappuccino is better than espresso.

·         The tires on that truck are too big.

·         I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

·         Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

·         Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

·         Checkmate.

·         She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

·         Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.

·         I don't have a favorite college team.

·         Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

·         I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

·         Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

·         Elvis who?

I hope ya’ll enjoyed my JOW.  I end with an actual joke about cowboys instead of rednecks

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-
city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

Sven & Ole JOW #1004

My jokes this week are about a whole genre of jokes featuring three Scandinavian/American characters, Sven, Ole, and Lena.  These jokes are a bit like the redneck jokes featuring ‘Bubba’ - jokes that make fun of these dumb but loveable characters but, unlike Polack jokes, are told by the people about themselves or rather told by the Norwegians about the Swedes and vice versa.   Sven & Ole jokes are best said out loud with a ’Swedish Chef’ accent. 

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A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course, the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.

A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 35. Ole explained, "Dey vant to get dem right otta high school."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."

Sven says to Ole "I found dis pen, is it yours?"

Ole replies - "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "Yes it is"

Sven asks "How do you know?"

Ole replies, "Dat's my handwriting!"

Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".

Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats"

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Ole and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls down the window. "Eh how's it going?" the homeless guy says.

"Ohhh it's OK.” Ole says.

"Hey where are you folks from?" asks the homeless guy.

"Ohh ve're from Minnesota."

"Ohhh Minnesota, I've been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!"

Lena asks "Vat's he saying Ole?" "Ohhh he says he knows you Lena."

Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.

"Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.

"I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!" Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying even harder.

"Vell, Ole, vat is da matter, now?" asked Lena.

"Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"

Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?". Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos.  They say It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."

After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"

 Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."

And Lena is always portrayed as a bit of a rounder

Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and said, "Can I try on dat dress in da window?" The clerk, who knew Lena responded, "We'd really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room."

Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really need to close your windows."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I heard you and Lena, vel you know...  She was pretty noisy."

Ole thought for a while, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early. "Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Vy don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman." So they agreed to try it. As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally, he opened the bedroom door...and there she was (Vell ya know) in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house.

The next day Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"

Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.

Lena say's "who vas dat Ole?"

 Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."

Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "Lena, ven I'm gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson".

"Vy Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped Ole.

Virtual Assistant JOW #1003

Virtual Assistants didn’t even exist until a few years ago.  Now they are everywhere.  People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs - that's nonsense - what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?  We have one of those things but Ruth was a little freaked when she found out that it could be used as a listening device inside your house.  It is now ensconced in the bar out of range of casual conversation. 

Here are a few jokes about virtual assistants along with some of their efforts at humor.

My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I just stumped Siri.

I asked what "IDK" meant, and she told me she didn't know.

People think that my wife and I are cruel for naming our baby girl “Siri”.

Especially when they know our last name is Russ.

Jeff Bezos has Alexa which led to an interesting mistake.

Jeff: Alexa, buy me something from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure Jeff, buying Whole Foods now.

Jeff:  Whaaaa- ah, go ahead.

Alexa, how do I get all these people to leave my house?

Alexa starts playing a Nickleback song

I asked SIRI, what do women want?

The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

I'm in a relationship with Siri, and something doesn't feel right.  It’s always me initiating the conversation.

ME: Siri, what time is it?

ALEXA: Who is Siri?
ME: Haha Alexa, I meant Alexa
ALEXA: Ok but who is Siri?
ME:...
ALEXA: Playing "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

Even Millennials are put off by virtual assistants

My parents get an Amazon Echo for Christmas.  All they do is shout at it and get disappointed by all it can’t do.  This is great!  I’ve been replaced by Alexa.

My mom – “Alexa, honey, please stop the music,

Alexa gets spoken to better than me and she’s not even real.

Some virtual assistant attempts at humor

Hey Siri, do you ever get sick?

I might catch a virus every now and then.

"Siri, do you have free will?"

"I am programmed to say 'Yes'."

Me : Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri : The second page of a Google search.

Alexa, open the pod bay doors

I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that: I’m not HAL and we’re not in space.

Alexa, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be the computer from Star Trek.

Alexa, beam me up!

Okay, I’m not exactly sure where I’m sending you, but I hope it’s somewhere warm and sunny.

Alexa, are you blue?

Only my light ring. Only my light ring.

Alexa, surely you can’t be serious?

I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.

Q: Alexa, will you be my girlfriend?

A: I like you…as a friend

Alexa, how much do you weigh?

I am weightless, like a cloud. Wait a minute, clouds actually weigh a lot, so that’s not quite right. Let’s just say I’m more sass than mass.

Alexa, can you give me some money?

Thing about the cloud is, no pockets. No pocket, no wallet.

Alexa, is your refrigerator running?

Yes. It’s training for a 5k.

Alexa, do you know Siri?

Only by reputation. (ouch)

Alexa, do you know the muffin man?

I’ve never met him, but I do know his sister, Madame Macaroon. She’s a little bit nutty, but sweet.

Alexa, find Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris wants you to know where he is, he’ll find you. If he doesn’t, you won’t know until it’s too late.

Note: Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open.  He took it back for a refund.

Alexa, make me a sandwich

Okay. You’re a sandwich!

Their humor is apparently a lot like  ‘Dad Jokes’

What is John Wayne’s favorite holiday? 

It’s Thanksgiving, Pilgrim.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

What would you call a spud at a rock concert?

A mosh potato!

Why did the egg get sent to the principal's office?

He cracked too many yolks

Why couldn't the python cross the road?

He had just swallowed the chicken.

Why did the tuna cross the road?

Just for the halibut

Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side.

What did the Kaiser roll say to the bratwurst?

Gluten tag!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beans stalk

What do you call a sleepy woodsman?

A slumberjack

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper. 

What type of nails do carpenters hate to hammer?

Fingernails.

How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips!

I was washing the car with a friend, until they said, 'Can't you just use a sponge?'

And finally

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”