Well, 2008 is behind us now, or to put it in a topical context, has been “downsized”. Dick recommended some comments about the financial situation we find ourselves in as 2009 looms. It was a good year locally, but a bad year for many people as the elaborate confidence game played by investment bankers and CEOs was revealed. The party may be over for these executives; many of them lost their jobs and will now have to eke out the rest of their days on the millions of dollars they were paid to wreck our economy. For example the CEO of Lehman Brothers destroyed one of the oldest and most prestigious investment firms in the world in just four short years. He earned ~$480 MILLION dollars for this performance. The CEO of Washington Mutual was very aggressive in telling his people to loan money to anyone, no matter what their credit score, betting on the continuing rise in housing prices. His bank collapsed. He walked away with $100 million dollars.
=============
First, a joke that I thought was too good to pass up.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative, macho fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
''Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
==============
This just in:
Bush to Put FEMA in Charge of Wall Street Rescue
President Bush compounded widespread concern about a domestic economy on the verge of collapse today when he announced that FEMA would coordinate the 700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street.
"We have our ‘best’ people on it," Bush insisted, causing the market to slide two thousand points late this morning. Bush and his staff expressed surprise that his administration’s assurances have done little to buoy confidence in the economy.
"None of the folks in charge of the bailout ever worked with horses or anything," said a perplexed White House staffer.
Circumstances on Wall Street remained dire today. Thousands of traders and bankers have been without money, gold ingots, or economic power for almost a week now, and conditions in hastily constructed "trailer banks" have been horrible.
"There are hardly any bathroom attendants here at all," complained one temporary resident, Preston Brunswick III, a complex derivatives trader who "barely cleared a million" last year.
Compounding the crisis, trucks full of relief money have been mysteriously stalled in Alabama, and FEMA officials were at a loss to explain why it was so hard to get the "Benjamins" to New York, where they are so desperately needed.
"We need that money now! We're barely able to expense out our lunches," exclaimed worried A.I.G. executive Gwen Driscoll. Driscoll fretted that her corporate American Express Platinum card was "being strained to the breaking point."
Meanwhile, Republicans warned that the allegedly Democratic-controlled Congress would take too much time debating a relief bill. "We need a lack of oversight, and we need it now," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. "Before anyone has a chance to think about it."
===============
And in other legal news
A spokesman for the Charles Ponzi estate revealed that the Ponzi family has sued in federal court demanding federal prosecutors, securities & exchange officials, the media as a whole cease and desist any further usage of Mr. Ponzi’s name and legacy in referencing Bernard Madoff’s purported crimes.
“For federal officials and reporters to continue to associate Mr. Ponzi’s creative investment strategy to Bernard Madoff’ outright scam does great harm by defaming Mr. Ponzi’s reputation,” said Ponzi estate attorney, Rob D’Frawd.
“Compared to Bernard Madoff, Charles Ponzi was Mother Teresa.”
Charles Ponzi, alias Charles Ponei, Charles P. Bianchi, and Chuck the Schmuck, scammed thousands out of millions of dollars by means of a pyramid scheme in the early part of the 20th century.
“Over the years, filmmakers, novelists, and the guy who came up with the expression, ‘too good to be true,’ have all benefited from Mr. Ponzi’s creative investment techniques. With Mr. Madoff’s outright greed and egregious disregard for the charismatic ingenuity of Mr. Ponzi, the continued misusage of Mr. Ponzi’s good name in describing Mr. Madoff’s criminal activities can forever deprive his family from receiving its just earnings.”
=============
Finally, words to live by in the 21st Century
If you have something, set it free
If it comes back it will always be yours
If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with
But if it just sits in your living room
Messes up your stuff, eats your food
Uses your telephone, takes your money
And doesn't appear to realize that you set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas JOW #435
In earlier years, Americans would send one another Christmas Cards, often great numbers of Christmas Cards. It was a way of acknowledging people you had perhaps not seen in the past year. As our society become more mobile, these cards gave us a chance to catch up with old friends we no longer saw on a regular basis. Email has done much too drastically reduce this tradition. For one thing, it is cheap and easy to stay in touch. For another, why use snail mail when you can send an email to all your friends and acquaintances at the same time.
I think of it as a new and greener way to share the holidays.
So this is our Pinney familial Holiday Update. (You can skip down the jokes at the bottom if you wish.
By our standards, 2008 was a quiet year. There were no births, no deaths, and no weddings. Ruth stayed busy and I stayed employed. And though our life savings took a big hit with the economy tightening up, we managed to end the year more or less in the black. Of course Ike was a Big Deal, leaving us without power for almost a week, and costing us an unexpectedly large amount to get rid of the damaged trees on our property. Make no mistake, The Woodlands got hammered. Adding to the chaos, we were renovating our kitchen when the tempest struck. On the upside, there was no real flooding in our area, no one we knew was hurt, and the entire experience was a real bonding experience for our friends and neighbors. People really did help one another during those trying times.
The big news was that I had to be hospitalized for the first time since I got my wisdom teeth out in ’68 when we discovered I had a big old brain tumor inside my skull. I was most fortunate that they were able to split my head open and remove said tumor with out warping things inside there any more than they already were. My surgery and subsequent recovery were both very successful. Thank you for all the prayers and support you gave me.
Following my recovery we went on a nice vacation to San Francisco and the wine country to visit friends (and let Dr. Ruth attend an Olfactory Conference). On the hobby front, I choked on the very last stage of the Louisiana State IDPA Pistol Championships and wound up finishing second. ‘Choked’ may not be the right word. I stopped for lunch before that stage and man was it good. I had seconds of the crawfish gumbo and was just too sluggish and, well, contented to shoot my best. I also was able to get my second book published and finish writing my third.
Perhaps next year will be a return to the dramatic twists and turns we have had in previous years; but probably not. I figure it is about time we settled down a bit.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
From Tom & Ruth Pinney
Now to the Jokes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an Aggie laugh on Boxing Day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Santa Claus suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
=================
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a former communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
===================
Ten things to say about gifts you don't like
10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes that would've fit.
9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
7. Well, well, well...
6. I really don't deserve this.
5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
=================
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
I think of it as a new and greener way to share the holidays.
So this is our Pinney familial Holiday Update. (You can skip down the jokes at the bottom if you wish.
By our standards, 2008 was a quiet year. There were no births, no deaths, and no weddings. Ruth stayed busy and I stayed employed. And though our life savings took a big hit with the economy tightening up, we managed to end the year more or less in the black. Of course Ike was a Big Deal, leaving us without power for almost a week, and costing us an unexpectedly large amount to get rid of the damaged trees on our property. Make no mistake, The Woodlands got hammered. Adding to the chaos, we were renovating our kitchen when the tempest struck. On the upside, there was no real flooding in our area, no one we knew was hurt, and the entire experience was a real bonding experience for our friends and neighbors. People really did help one another during those trying times.
The big news was that I had to be hospitalized for the first time since I got my wisdom teeth out in ’68 when we discovered I had a big old brain tumor inside my skull. I was most fortunate that they were able to split my head open and remove said tumor with out warping things inside there any more than they already were. My surgery and subsequent recovery were both very successful. Thank you for all the prayers and support you gave me.
Following my recovery we went on a nice vacation to San Francisco and the wine country to visit friends (and let Dr. Ruth attend an Olfactory Conference). On the hobby front, I choked on the very last stage of the Louisiana State IDPA Pistol Championships and wound up finishing second. ‘Choked’ may not be the right word. I stopped for lunch before that stage and man was it good. I had seconds of the crawfish gumbo and was just too sluggish and, well, contented to shoot my best. I also was able to get my second book published and finish writing my third.
Perhaps next year will be a return to the dramatic twists and turns we have had in previous years; but probably not. I figure it is about time we settled down a bit.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
From Tom & Ruth Pinney
Now to the Jokes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an Aggie laugh on Boxing Day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Santa Claus suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
=================
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a former communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
===================
Ten things to say about gifts you don't like
10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes that would've fit.
9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
7. Well, well, well...
6. I really don't deserve this.
5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
=================
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Christmas is Coming JOW #434
Some seasonal thoughts.
You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Garrison Keillor of Prairie Home Companion said this about Christmas: "The lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."
"The one thing a woman does not want to find in her stocking on Christmas morning is her husband." - Phyllis Diller.
From Bart Simpson - "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?"
Here are some kid jokes
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the
two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY
FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother
replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
===============================
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s still inside your cat!"
Mary Ellen provided this story. I think it applies and thus I am granting it the status of a joke.
My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that, if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.
We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella." I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children, and I didn't want to disappoint.
I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding... when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.
When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.
In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother, I didn't even come close... I did keep my promise to raise them with His word. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.
Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."
My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."
A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd, which was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."
"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
-Author Unknown
You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Garrison Keillor of Prairie Home Companion said this about Christmas: "The lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."
"The one thing a woman does not want to find in her stocking on Christmas morning is her husband." - Phyllis Diller.
From Bart Simpson - "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?"
Here are some kid jokes
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the
two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY
FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother
replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
===============================
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s still inside your cat!"
Mary Ellen provided this story. I think it applies and thus I am granting it the status of a joke.
My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that, if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.
We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella." I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children, and I didn't want to disappoint.
I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding... when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.
When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.
In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother, I didn't even come close... I did keep my promise to raise them with His word. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.
Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."
My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."
A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd, which was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."
"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
-Author Unknown
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Pun-ishing JOW #433
I just love puns, just like many other troubled people. Here are a bunch of ‘good’ ones. Okay, the term ‘good pun’ is an oxymoron. Or some kind of a moron, anyway.
· Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
· Wrap your expensive German car around a telephone pole and you will discover how the Mercedes Bends
· A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
· Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
· When William joined the army he quickly came to hate the phrase 'fire at will'.
· Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run
· Q. What's the definition of a will?
It's a dead giveaway
· Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
· When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
· To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence
· The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
· Is stealing someone's coffee cup called 'mugging'?
· Q. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
A tire.
· Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.
· He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
· Women who wear expensive perfume obviously have no common scents.
· If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
· I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
· Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
· Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
· Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.
Okay, here are a couple of ‘real jokes’.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' asked the clerk, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' She asked.
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, near Sturgis, South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the biggest, toughest bike, smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
· Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
· Wrap your expensive German car around a telephone pole and you will discover how the Mercedes Bends
· A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
· Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
· When William joined the army he quickly came to hate the phrase 'fire at will'.
· Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run
· Q. What's the definition of a will?
It's a dead giveaway
· Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
· When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
· To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence
· The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
· Is stealing someone's coffee cup called 'mugging'?
· Q. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
A tire.
· Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.
· He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
· Women who wear expensive perfume obviously have no common scents.
· If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
· I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
· Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
· Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
· Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.
Okay, here are a couple of ‘real jokes’.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' asked the clerk, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' She asked.
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, near Sturgis, South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the biggest, toughest bike, smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Economical JOW *432
What with all the tough economic times folks seem to be having these days, I thought some humor about things economic might be appropriate. Economists and economics in general are pretty rich subject. The statement that "Economics is the only field in which two people can each get a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing" is true. In fact, that understates it: Myrdal and Hayek actually shared a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things.
Found on the wall of a Lehman Brothers executive
Seven Habits of Big Time Investors
1. Think short term.
2. Be greedy.
3. Believe in the Greater Fool
4. Run with the herd
5. Overgeneralize
6. Be trendy
7. Play with other people's money
I just love light bulb jokes
Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A4. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
A5. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
A5. None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Smash it!
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years.
Q: How many recently graduated MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.
Some economist jokes (other than the economy itself)
An economics professor was about to get married. He went to the jewelers to get a wedding ring for his fiancée. The jeweler told him that he can have the inside of the ring engraved with the name of his fiancée for an additional $200.
"But that will reduce the resale value!" protested the professor
The jeweler was aghast. "How can you say such a thing. You are a butcher!"
"No," replied the professor, "I am an economist"."
A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said, "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.
An economist was standing at the shore of a large lake, surf-casting. It was the middle of winter, and the lake was completely frozen over, but this didn't seem to bother the economist, who stood there patiently casting his lure out across the ice, slowly reeling it in again, then repeating the process.
A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."
An Indian-born economist once explained his personal theory of reincarnation to his graduate economics class. "If you are a good economist, a virtuous economist," he said, "you are reborn as a physicist. But if you are an evil, wicked economist, you are reborn as a sociologist."
Found on the wall of a Lehman Brothers executive
Seven Habits of Big Time Investors
1. Think short term.
2. Be greedy.
3. Believe in the Greater Fool
4. Run with the herd
5. Overgeneralize
6. Be trendy
7. Play with other people's money
I just love light bulb jokes
Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A4. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
A5. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
A5. None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Smash it!
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years.
Q: How many recently graduated MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.
Some economist jokes (other than the economy itself)
An economics professor was about to get married. He went to the jewelers to get a wedding ring for his fiancée. The jeweler told him that he can have the inside of the ring engraved with the name of his fiancée for an additional $200.
"But that will reduce the resale value!" protested the professor
The jeweler was aghast. "How can you say such a thing. You are a butcher!"
"No," replied the professor, "I am an economist"."
A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said, "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.
An economist was standing at the shore of a large lake, surf-casting. It was the middle of winter, and the lake was completely frozen over, but this didn't seem to bother the economist, who stood there patiently casting his lure out across the ice, slowly reeling it in again, then repeating the process.
A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."
An Indian-born economist once explained his personal theory of reincarnation to his graduate economics class. "If you are a good economist, a virtuous economist," he said, "you are reborn as a physicist. But if you are an evil, wicked economist, you are reborn as a sociologist."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Familial JOW #431
What with Thanksgiving and all my JOW is based on mostly family stuff.
MaryEllen sent this one.
A little girl learned to read at a very early age. She was fascinated by the written word and read everything in the house. One day she asked her Mommy about the napkins she had found in the bathroom.
Embarrassed, her Mom told her those were “special napkins’ and so thought the matter was put to rest. That is until Thanksgiving. Imagine her mother’s surprise when she came to the Thanksgiving table with her family to the table and found every setting carefully set by her young daughter with the “special napkins.” Even the tapes had been pulled out to enclose the silverware.
So you see, there are sometimes disadvantages even to having a smart and thoughtful daughter.
==================
A little boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
"Do you have a driver’s license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."
=================
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my six siblings and me - all under age 14. Collecting our many suitcases, the eight of us entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
================
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am in seminary," he replies, “I am going to be a preacher.”
"A preacher. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeded like this for a while, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
=================
At one point during a Little League game, the coach asked of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is the enjoyment of playing together?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Tom
MaryEllen sent this one.
A little girl learned to read at a very early age. She was fascinated by the written word and read everything in the house. One day she asked her Mommy about the napkins she had found in the bathroom.
Embarrassed, her Mom told her those were “special napkins’ and so thought the matter was put to rest. That is until Thanksgiving. Imagine her mother’s surprise when she came to the Thanksgiving table with her family to the table and found every setting carefully set by her young daughter with the “special napkins.” Even the tapes had been pulled out to enclose the silverware.
So you see, there are sometimes disadvantages even to having a smart and thoughtful daughter.
==================
A little boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
"Do you have a driver’s license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."
=================
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my six siblings and me - all under age 14. Collecting our many suitcases, the eight of us entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
================
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am in seminary," he replies, “I am going to be a preacher.”
"A preacher. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeded like this for a while, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
=================
At one point during a Little League game, the coach asked of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is the enjoyment of playing together?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Tom
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Knock Knock JOW #430
“Knock Knock” jokes get no respect. Just because most of us outgrew them in elementary school we tend to denigrate them to a level below that of a pun. Well, some of them are funny. So to make sure you find one that is funny to you I am giving you all a bunch of them. There are some other bits below the Knockers so if you are too sophisticated for them, just skip on down.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
(singing) Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joanna!
Joanna who!
Joanna big kiss?
Who's there?
Isabella!
Isabella who?
Isabella out of order!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joan!
Joan who!
Joan you remember me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!
Tom & Martha’s daughter is a physician which must be why they sent me what doctors thought of the financial bailout
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in
Washington .
And finally, for Bil and Van—I know they are missing Arkansas
If we are going to have ‘Knock Knock’ jokes then I get to knock Arkansas
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the
front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is
funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! Up
in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
(singing) Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joanna!
Joanna who!
Joanna big kiss?
Who's there?
Isabella!
Isabella who?
Isabella out of order!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joan!
Joan who!
Joan you remember me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!
Tom & Martha’s daughter is a physician which must be why they sent me what doctors thought of the financial bailout
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in
Washington .
And finally, for Bil and Van—I know they are missing Arkansas
If we are going to have ‘Knock Knock’ jokes then I get to knock Arkansas
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the
front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is
funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! Up
in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
New Author JOW #429
The first copies of my new book, The New King, the exciting sequel to my first book, The Chronicles of Athan, are scheduled to arrive at my house tomorrow. In recognition of this event, I have a somewhat literary theme to my JOW this week.
I have been asked if there are any jokes in this book. Yes, of course there are. In fact much of the latter part of the book is a romantic comedy staring Zoe, the resourceful young woman who is ‘probably a respectable widow’. There is also a section that discusses “Why a dog is better than a man.”
Look for an email detailing more about how you can get a copy of this wonderful historical romance. Meanwhile, here are the jokes:
Here is a new breakthrough in entertainment technology.
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any elected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...(PENCILS).
Not every one appreciates books:
TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.
And then there are the working parts of creating a book, such as dictionaries.
My sister gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?
And of course, a tribute to literary types
Q. How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q. How many illustrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Does it HAVE to be a lightbulb?
Q. How many copyeditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. The last time this question was asked, it involved illustrators. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q. How many new authors does it take to change lightbulb.
A. That’s not important; let me tell you about my new book!!
Q. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Mary Ellen and Bil really banged on my punctuation (and each other). Punctuation is important. Just check out different meanings of this punctuation parable
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
And finally,
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an editor he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a crummy deal!" The man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that editor spends it with that gorgeous woman."
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
I have been asked if there are any jokes in this book. Yes, of course there are. In fact much of the latter part of the book is a romantic comedy staring Zoe, the resourceful young woman who is ‘probably a respectable widow’. There is also a section that discusses “Why a dog is better than a man.”
Look for an email detailing more about how you can get a copy of this wonderful historical romance. Meanwhile, here are the jokes:
Here is a new breakthrough in entertainment technology.
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any elected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...(PENCILS).
Not every one appreciates books:
TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.
And then there are the working parts of creating a book, such as dictionaries.
My sister gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?
And of course, a tribute to literary types
Q. How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q. How many illustrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Does it HAVE to be a lightbulb?
Q. How many copyeditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. The last time this question was asked, it involved illustrators. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q. How many new authors does it take to change lightbulb.
A. That’s not important; let me tell you about my new book!!
Q. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Mary Ellen and Bil really banged on my punctuation (and each other). Punctuation is important. Just check out different meanings of this punctuation parable
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
And finally,
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an editor he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a crummy deal!" The man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that editor spends it with that gorgeous woman."
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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