Here it is Christmas
again. I am old enough to have gone through the four stages of Christmas:
1.
You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
I can still remember that awkward moment, many years ago, when I
noticed that Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as my parents.
First
– Merry Christmas to all of you. My your
days be merry and bright.
Second
- Some Christmas riddles for the kids:
·
Where would a reindeer go if he lost his
tail?
A retail store.
A retail store.
·
What did Mrs. Claus
tell Rudolph was her favorite kind of weather?
It’s rain, dear.
It’s rain, dear.
·
What do you call a
toy guitar maker who sings “Blue Christmas”?
Elf-is.
Elf-is.
·
Why does Santa Claus
have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.
So he can ho, ho, ho.
·
Why did Scrooge win
the football game?
Because the Ghost of Christmas passed.
Because the Ghost of Christmas passed.
·
Where does Frosty the
Snowman deposit his money?
In the snowbank.
In the snowbank.
·
What do you call a
kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel
without a Claus.
It
is probably a good thing that letters to Santa are one way since exchanges
between Jolly St. Nick and modern kids might turn out something like this:
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs.
Claus? I hope everyone is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box with the latest Call
of Duty and an iPhone 6 for Christmas. I
hope you will remember that when you come on Christmas.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
=========
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter.
Mrs. Claus and I are fine and thank you for asking. Santa is a little worried about all the time
you spend playing video games and texting.
Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.
Since you have been a good boy, I think I will bring you something I you
can go out and play with outside.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
===============
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the ‘naughty vs. nice’ contract, set
by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant
me what I have asked for. I certainly
would not want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe about my
weight coming for an overweight that only goes out once a year is out of line?
Respectfully,
T. Jones
================
Young Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have more or less met the ‘nice’
criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way
is a guarantee of delivery. Should you
wish to pursue legal action that is your right.
Please know that the law firm of Strong and Woodall has been on retainer
since the Burgermeister/Meisterburger affair and will be more than happy to
take you on in open court. Additionally,
the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health but also improve
your social skills. Perhaps you might
even find better friends than those losers you are hanging out with now.
Sincerely,
S. Claus
===================
Look here Fat Man,
I told you what I wanted and tried to be nice about this but now
you are insulting me and disrespecting my friends. I am about to tweet my crew and we’re gonna
be waiting for your fat ass; I am taking my game console, my phone and whatever
I want man. Got that!
T-Bone Jones
==================
Listen you little jerk,
If you think a dude that gets into every house in the world in one
night and never gets caught is worried about some little wannbe gangster? Remember the song? ‘I know when you are sleeping’? That means I know where you sleep, too. I got
you wired little Timmy. Do you know what
kind of resources I have at my disposal?
You are not getting that stuff you asked for, but I am still gonna stop
by your crib and give you the man-sized thumping you deserve. Chew on that Petunia.
S. Clizzy
======================
Dear Santa,
On reflection, bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
=====================
Timmy,
Yeah, that is what I thought…
Santa
A few Christmas one liners:
-A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I
did. Mr. and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.
-This holiday season, in lieu of gifts,
I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
-I try to be unusually kind and
compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who
will end up being my Secret Santa.
And finally a press release from Amazon:
NORTH POLE (API) - Amazon announced an
agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press
conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the
southern hemisphere. In the deal, Amazon would gain exclusive rights to
Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Amazon will
gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The
announcement also included a notice that beginning October 30, 2015, Christmas
and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Amazon. This unprecedented move
was facilitated by the recently acquired North Pole Court. Amazon stated its
commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to
"make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to
all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due
before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy
Christmas?" Jeff Bezos replied "Amazon has been working on a more
efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized
that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the
next release of the Kindle Fire." In a multimedia extravaganza, the
attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up
the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Amazon logo, and a new
Christmas 2011 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product
from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said,
"The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Amazon Organization.
This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." He
continued, "Our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas
2015. It will be bigger and better than last year." He further elaborated
that "Amazon users who sign up with Amazon Prime will get sneak previews
of Christmas 2015 as early as November first." Christmas 2015 is scheduled
for release in December of 2015, though one unnamed source said that it is
dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of
2012. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic
to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS
to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after
Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long
term," he explained. "With Amazon controlling Christmas, we may see
it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may
serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays
are being considered, Mr. Bezos explained that "Christmas is the flagship
of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for
sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting
that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific
terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal
was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts
think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means
to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend
that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Seattle. A spokesperson for the
most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.