April Fool's JOW

April Fools jokes are a standard throughout much of the Western World. Below are a few of the better April Fools jokes I have found.

First a joke from Susan—
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

From Martha
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age,you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

Now, some Great April Fool’s Jokes

Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
1976: The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

Kremvax
1984: A message distributed to the members of Usenet (the online messaging community that was one of the first forms the internet took) announced that the Soviet Union was joining Usenet. This generated enormous excitement, since most Usenet members had assumed that cold war security concerns would prevent such a link-up. The message purported to come from Konstantin Chernenko (from the address chernenko@kremvax.UUCP) who explained that the Soviet Union wanted to join the network in order to "have a means of having an open discussion forum with the American and European people." The message created a flood of responses. Two weeks later its true author, a European man named Piet Beertema, revealed it was a hoax. This is believed to be the first hoax on the internet. Six years later, when Moscow really did link up to the internet, it adopted the domain name 'kremvax' in honor of the hoax.

Metric Time
1975: Australia's This Day Tonight news program revealed that the country would soon be converting to "metric time." Under the new system there would be 100 seconds to the minute, 100 minutes to the hour, and 20-hour days. Furthermore, seconds would become millidays, minutes become centidays, and hours become decidays. The report included an interview with Deputy Premier Des Corcoran who praised the new time system. The Adelaide townhall was even shown sporting a new 10-hour metric clock face. The thumbnail (found at TelevisionAU.com) shows TDT Adelaide reporter Nigel Starck posing with a smaller metric clock. TDT received numerous calls from viewers who fell for the hoax. One frustrated viewer wanted to know how he could convert his newly purchased digital clock to metric time.

Sydney Iceberg
1978: A barge appeared in Sydney Harbor towing a giant iceberg. Sydneysiders were expecting it. Dick Smith, a local adventurer and millionaire businessman (owner of Dick Smith's Foods), had been loudly promoting his scheme to tow an iceberg from Antarctica for quite some time. Now he had apparently succeeded. He said that he was going to carve the berg into small ice cubes, which he would sell to the public for ten cents each. These well-traveled cubes, fresh from the pure waters of Antarctica, were promised to improve the flavor of any drink they cooled. Slowly the iceberg made its way into the harbor. Local radio stations provided excited blow-by-blow coverage of the scene. Only when the berg was well into the harbor was its secret revealed. It started to rain, and the firefighting foam and shaving cream that the berg was really made of washed away, uncovering the white plastic sheets beneath.

April Fool’s Parade
2000: A news release sent to the media stated that the 15th annual New York City April Fool's Day Parade was scheduled to begin at noon on 59th Street and would proceed down to Fifth Avenue. According to the release, floats in the parade would include a "Beat 'em, Bust 'em, Book 'em" float created by the New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle police departments. This float would portray "themes of brutality, corruption and incompetence." A "Where's Mars?" float, reportedly built at a cost of $10 billion, would portray missed Mars missions. Finally, the "Atlanta Braves Baseball Tribute to Racism" float would feature John Rocker who would be "spewing racial epithets at the crowd." CNN and the Fox affiliate WNYW sent television news crews to cover the parade. They arrived at 59th Street at noon only to discover that there was no sign of a parade, at which point the reporters realized they had been hoaxed. The prank was the handiwork of Joey Skaggs an experienced hoaxer. Skaggs had been issuing press releases advertising the nonexistent parade every April Fool's Day since 1986.

Spring Time for JOW

Spring is my favorite season here in South East Texas. It is not too hot yet. The soil becomes moist and fecund. ('Fecund' is a fancy word for ‘muddy') Wild flowers explode everywhere. A sure sign of springtime in Texas is the sight of families posing their children in spectacular fields of bluebonnets.
Let’s start with a few bad riddles.

Q. What do you call two young married spiders?
A. Newly webs.

Q. What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
A. Garden hose.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
- Rodney Dangerfield

What could be more spring-like than a robin? So here is a robin joke

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "
I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first robin.
"Me, either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat sneaked up and gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."

Some thoughts on growing things.

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning to grow in rows.
- Doug Larson

Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
- Steven Wright

An organic joke.
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

I had a lot of trouble editing my books. Hey, writing can be hard. Check out these church bulletins if you don’t believe me.

•Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
•Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"

St Paddy's Own JOW

Seeing as it is St Patrick’s Day I thought I should have a few jokes at the expense of the Irish. Here are six (or seven) topical jokes


Irish priests are always good for a bit of fun.

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'
'I'm God,' said the stranger.
'Pardon?'
'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.
'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sitting on me altar who claims he's God. What'll should I do?'
Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

Not exactly Irish, but this one will do.

An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a Great Voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones,
"There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

Irishmen and Whisky: a natural mix.

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Or the Irish and beer

Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each orders one beer. Three flies fly into the bar and one fly lands in each man's beer.
The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says "tutto e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer.
The Frenchman shows his beer with the bug still inside it to the bartender and demands another beer.
The Irishman yanks the bug out of the beer, grabs it by it's wings, shakes it while yelling
"Cough it up, you little theivin' bastard!"

Or the Irish and Guinness Stout

One night, Mrs Mcmillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep,
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband, he went with you to the beer factory" Paddy shook his head
"Ah Mrs Mcmillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs Mcmillen starts crying
"Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head
"Not really, he got out 3 times to pee"

(Or alternately: “No, they kept try’n to rescue him, but he bravely fought them off.)

Finally this one is from Pammy

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Grand Old JOW

I got to see my grand daughters this weekend, so I seemed only right to list a few jokes about parents of parents. There are also a couple of old people jokes as a bonus, but first a notice about the economy.

Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts, high unemployment and the rising costs of food, electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, and the overall state of the union, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Grand Observations:
=================================
• A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.
• What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies. ~Rudolph Giuliani
• A house needs a grandma in it. ~Louisa May Alcott
• Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or effort to change us, as no one in our entire lives has ever done, not our parents, siblings, spouses, friends - and hardly ever our own grown children. ~Ruth Good
• If God had intended us to follow recipes, He wouldn't have given us grandmothers. ~Linda Henley
• Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
• We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me. ~Phyllis Theroux
• It's one of nature's way that we often feel closer to distant generations than to the generation immediately preceding us. ~Igor Stravinsky
• Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret
• When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash
• Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Marcy DeMaree
• A married daughter with children puts you in danger of being catalogued as a first edition.
• Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Henry Youngman
• Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation. ~Lois Wyse
• Uncles and aunts, and cousins, are all very well, and fathers and mothers are not to be despised; but a grandmother, at holiday time, is worth them all. ~Fanny Fern
• It is as grandmothers that our mothers come into the fullness of their grace. ~Christopher Morley
• Sometimes our grandmas and grandpas are like grand-angels. ~Lexie Saige
• Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy? They suck it out of their grandparents. ~Gene Perret

My grandmother moved in with our family of five. As I was brushing my teeth one morning, she tapped on the door. "Is anyone in there?" she called.
I mumbled an answer, to which she replied, "Is that a yes or a no?"

===================
A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.
He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest.
A drunk stood by watching the poor old fellow’s painful progress. Eventually he could stand it no longer. He approached the old fellow and asked the obvious question.
"Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"


Games For When We Are Older
1. Sag, you're it
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc, Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners

Rodeo JOW

We did the rodeo thing this week, two times. The Houston Livestock and Rodeo is an amazing event, starting with the Trail Rides who come in by horse and wagon, often from hundreds of miles away. The event is held in and around Reliant Stadium, in the parking lot and inside the football area. Of course there is enormous livestock show, where kids show the steers, pigs, chickens, rabbits, etc. that they have raised, competing for scholarship money there is an enormous carnival, complete with cheesy lighted rides, traditional killer food objects, lots of lights, and rigged games. It is all very mid-twentieth century. Then there is the rodeo: seven separate events with 10 cowboys and girls competing, followed by a calf scramble where 28 kids try to put a halter on 14 calves. The winners get an animal to raise for the next Livestock show. Then they have a concert. Since there are crowds of +50,000 people they get some pretty big stars. They are mostly country, but they also have soul and rock bands. Some group called the Jonas Brothers sold out in an hour. We saw a group called Rascal Flats one night and Alan Jackson the next. It was quite the cultural experience.
To recognize this aspect of my Texas experience I have a few cowboy related jokes this week. They are a bit raunchier than my usual offerings, but then cowboys are an earth people.
================
A cowboy is pulled over by a special constable.
The constable, being a wannabe policeman, lectures the cowboy about speeding.
Finally he gets around to writing out the ticket. Flies begin buzzing around his head.
"Problems with circle flies?" asks the cowboy.
"If that's what they're called," says the constable. "I never heard of circle flies."
"Circle flies hang around ranches," says the cowboy. "They're called circle flies because they usually circle the rear of a horse."
"Oh," says the special constable. Then he stops. "You calling me a horse's ***?"
"Oh no, sir," the cowboy replies. "I respect law enforcement too much to call you a horse's ***."
"Good thing," mutters the constable, finishing off the speeding ticket.
After a pause, the cowboy says in his best drawl, "Hard to fool them flies though."

This one was new to me
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
"Oh no! I forgot I was riding the mare!"

Another version of one of my favorites:
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees a shepherd sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Shepherd: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Shepherd: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: " Is this man your owner?" pointing at Shepherd.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Shepherd: look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Shepherd: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Shepherd: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Shepherd.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Shepherd: total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Shepherd: "The sheep Lie!”

Old and political, but funny.
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Bill Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
Here are a few troubling thoughts to close with:
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
bedmakers could be debunked,
baseball players debased,
landscapers deflowered
bulldozer operators degraded,
musical composers decomposed
software engineers detested
and
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and then depleted!