Suth American JOW #718

I missed submitting my JOW last week because I was off on one of my little adventures.  This time I was down in Peru for a mission trip with my church followed by a trip to the Incan ruins.  It was both spiritually satisfying as well as a lot of fun.  I am doing one of my ‘articles for an imaginary magazine’ complete with photos which I hope to send out in a day or so.

I tried as part of my cultural awareness I tried to find out what the locals thought was funny.  Apparently all throughout South American the most reliable thing to make people laugh is people falling over.   When I asked why slips'n'falls were so funny the best answer I got was "It all depends on the fall".  Unfortunately the old banana peel just does not come across in print.  But here are a few sort of South American/travel jokes.

Lima has a of lot poverty; many people beg or sell goods at traffic lights.  The mayor has a plan to help the situation: put in more traffic lights.

Murphy's Travel Laws:

• No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
• If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
• If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
• Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
• If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
• Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
• The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
• The small attractive woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
• The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

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I had a bagel on my flight back.  It was a plane bagel.

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A tourist is traveling with a guide through a thick jungle in Peru.  "Is it true," he asked, "that a jaguar won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Then they came across an ancient Inca temple.  The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.
To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 553 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 550 years old, and that was three years ago"

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I was watching Switzerland at the World Cup.  I don’t know all their national colors but the flag is a big plus.

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The last one diverted me to a whole raft of bad pun jokes.

·         How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least a Brazilian

·         What sport do you play with a wombat?

Wom, of course.

·         What do you call a mexican that can't do anything?

A mexican't

·         What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

·         My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

·         What does Batman get in his drinks?

Just ice

·         Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The re-tail store.

·         What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish

·         What was Forrest Gump’s password?

1Forrest1

·         How is imitation like a plateau?

They are both the highest form of flattery

·         Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinating?

The p is silent.

·         A magician was driving down the highway.

Then he turned into a driveway.

·         What did the buffalo say to his son when he left?

Bison

Carefully Phrased JOW #717

I will not be doing my Jokes of the Week next week because once again I am abandoning the ‘iUniverse’ for a week or so and going sans electronics.  This time I will be in Peru where the internet has apparently not been invented yet.  Note that I said I am leaving our electronically connected world behind, not civilization; the Internet has nothing to do with things civil.  You know when something random gets repeated over and over again?  In real life people tell you to shut up; on the internet it becomes a meme.   The difference between my blog (which has been up since ’08) and my dog barking in the backyard is that my dog has a bigger audience. 

            I will attempt to put the Spanish I learned at Eckerd to use down there.  I am not optimistic.  About the only word I seem to remember is ‘catasrofe’ which is what will probably happen when I attempt to communicate with the locals - Professor Trakas will probably turn over in his grave.

            But that gave me the idea for my JOWs.  Yes, inventive “English Language” signs.

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Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.  You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.  I hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

  In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

         The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

  In a Leipzig elevator:

         Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

  In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

         To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by         national order.

  In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

  In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

  In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

 In a Japanese hotel:

         You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

         You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

   In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

         Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

  On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

         Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

  On the menu of a Polish hotel:

         Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

  Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

         Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

  In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

         Drop your trousers here for best results.

  Outside a Paris dress shop:

         Dresses for street walking.

   In a Rhodes tailor shop:

         Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

   A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

         It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

  In a Zurich hotel:

         Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

  In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

         Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

  In a Rome laundry:

         Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

  In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

         Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

  Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

         Would you like to ride on your own ass?

  In a Swiss mountain inn:

         Special today -- no ice cream.

  In a Bangkok temple:

         It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

  In a Tokyo bar:

         Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

  In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

         We take your bags and send them in all directions.

  On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

         If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

  In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

         Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

  In a Budapest zoo:

         Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

  In the office of a Roman doctor:

         Specialist in women and other diseases.

  In an Acapulco hotel:

         The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

  In a Tokyo shop:

         Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

   From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

         Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

   From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

         When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

  Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

         -   English well talking.

         -   Here speeching American.

And those attempts to communicate led me to scientific communication – remember, I am married to one of those scientists -

A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication

        =============================================

 Phrase                                                Translation

 =================================================================

 It has long been known:              I haven't bothered to look up the reference

 It is believed:                             I think

 It is generally believed:             A couple of other guys think so too

 It is not unreasonable to:          If you believe this, you'll believe assume anything

 Of great theoretical                   I find it kind of interesting

 Importance:

 Of great practical                       I can get some mileage out of it

Importance: 

 Typical results are shown:           The best results are shown

 3 samples were chosen for:          The others didn't make sense, so we ignored them

 The 4 hour sample was not          I dropped it on the floor

 studied:

 

  The significance of these               Look at the pretty artifact

 results is unclear:

 Correct within an order of            Wrong

 magnitude:

 It might be argued that:        I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it

 Much additional work will be       This paper is not very good, but neither are all the others required: