Big Texas JOW #1032

Due to quarantine I was only telling inside jokes, but this week I will try to branch out; I am already tired of 2020.  Frankly I would like to uninstall the whole year.  It has a virus.  But this too shall pass – just like a kidney stone.  But if I got through Mad Dog 20/20 as a college student I can get through 2020 now.  This particular virus sucks.  For something this terrible, I expected zombies shambling down the street, not zombies inside peering at their televisions.  Some people have now watched so much TV they have finished Netflix.  And if you are worried about your kids watching too much TV.  Put up subtitles.  Boom - now they’re reading. 

Signs of the times

·         On a strip club – Clothed

·         On two movie theaters –

o   Cinema closed until real life doesn’t feel like a movie

o   -Closed – No close encounters of ANY kind.

(Have you ever noticed how every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist?)

·         At an Evangelical church – Prophecy class cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances

·         Another church sign – Jesus rode his ass into Jerusalem.  Keep yours at home.

Donna sent me some facts about Texas.  Even having lived here for over 20 years, I find some of these astonishing and entertaining 

The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. (Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.)  And most people find that Texans are pretty darn friendly.

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!

Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Cleveland , Texas 77327
Dayton, Texas 77535
Denver City , Texas 79323
Klondike , Texas 75448
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462

There is no need to travel to Washington D.C.; just go to Whitehouse, Texas 75791

Feel like visiting foreign places? You can be a world traveler while still in Texas-

Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland , Texas 76538
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460

And a city named after our State

Texas City, Texas 77590

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

For the kids...

Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas, to make you smile.....

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Twitty, Texas 79079

And some personal favorites...

Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City , Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas

Stagecoach, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas

Texas really is big.

Texarkana, Texas is closer to Chicago than Texarkana, Texas

El Paso to Texarkana: 812 miles
Texarkana to Chicago: 793 miles

And El Paso is closer to LA than Beaumont.
             El Paso to Los Angeles: 801

El Paso to Beaumont. 828

Some big Texas facts
World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. (DESTROYED BY HURRICANE IKE.)
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was ' Houston.'
King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state of Texas; the rest are manmade.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.).
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

~~~~

Of course, Texas women are renowned for their beauty.  This is because if a girl is not pretty by the time she is twelve, they ship her off to Oklahoma.

<<<<< 

Many Texans view Oklahoma as an outlying province of Texas.  Oklahomans will tell you that nobody can out lie a Texan.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas :

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers..
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

A farmer was bragging to is Israeli friend about how big Texas was.

“Why it took me all morning to just to drive my truck from one side of my ranch to the other.”

“Yes, I understand,” replied the Israeli with a sad smile, “I had a truck like that once, too.”

Finally a non-Texan joke

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.  The priest and mister sit on barstools and order beers.  The rabbit hops up on the stool and looks at the bartender.

The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks, “What’ll you have?”

The rabbit shrugs and says “I dunno.  I am only here because of Autocorrect.”

           

           

Ranting JOW #1031

First, I am going to start out with a rant. I am getting pretty cheesed off about the continuing excessive closures to ‘protect us from ourselves.’  Sure, some measures seem reasonable and prudent.  However, too many media types are from New York City which has the highest population density in the US and was hit very hard; they implied the disease would be like that everywhere and it was not – not even close.  Too many such commentators view the country as the United States of New York City.  I understand the need to ‘flatten the curve’, which we have done.  Now it is more like ‘flatten the economy.’  I read an editorial, written by an economist and a business man which must be correct, because I agree with it.

‘It is important to recognize that under the models used to justify the lockdown policy, lockdowns cannot appreciably reduce total infections. They only push infections off into the future. Thus, in the absence of a serious risk of overwhelming health care capacity, it is difficult to see the scientific justification for continuing the extremely costly measures that remain in place across this state and country. We cannot fall victim to wishful thinking, hoping that if only we keep bearing these costs a little longer, the virus will disappear and no one else will die.’ 

Okay, I will step off my soapbox and get back to the jokes, mostly about angry people.

Here are some quick gender-related bits.

·         Behind every woman who is angry is a man who doesn’t understand what he did wrong.

·         When a woman is angry tell her she is ‘overreacting’.  That should calm her right down.

·         If you rearrange the letters of Mail Men they become very angry.

·         What do you say if you break up with your girlfriend and she wins the lottery the next day?  Tell her you are pregnant.

·         For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

·         Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

·         The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

·         A good man can make you feel strong, sexy, and able to take on the whole world.  No, wait, that’s wine – wine does that.

·         Some women are like volcanos: they stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and destroying everything in their path.  Then they are calm again.

·         That woman hides crazy like a bikini hides 45 pounds

·         Women believe what they hear.  That is why men lie.

·         Men believe what they see.  That is why women wear makeup.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A man left from work one Friday afternoon and instead of going home to his wife, he spent the entire weekend out partying with the boys, spending his entire paycheck.  When he finally returned home Sunday night his was met with a very angry wife who subjected him to a tirade of abuse for his actions.  Finally she simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
Unrepentant he replied, “That would be fine by me.”
Monday and Tuesday went by and he didn’t see her at all.  But by Wednesday the swelling had come down enough where he could just see out of his left eye.”

Ten things women understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack that fits perfectly can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women

Ten things men know about women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have boobs

---------------

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain “Please doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

DOCTOR: “Don’t worry; I’ll put some cream on it.”

WOMAN: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

DOCTOR: “No, you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

WOMAN: “Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.”‘

DOCTOR: “No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.”

WOMAN (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”

DOCTOR:”Which one?”

WOMAN (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.”

* * * * *

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said, “these are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?” trooper asked.

“These flies that circle a horse’s ass,” answered the farmer. “They are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

 “Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool those flies.”

And finally, a semi-true story

Windows – Please enter your password

Me – cabbage

Windows – Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters

Me – boiled cabbage

Windows – Sorry the password must contain at least one numerical character

Me – 1 boiled cabbage

Windows – Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

Me – 50damnboiledcabbages

Windows – Sorry, the password must have at least one upper case character

Me – 50DAMNBOILEDCABBAGESSHOVEDUPYOURASSIFYOUDON’TGIVEMEACCESSNOW

Windows – Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

Me – 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

Windows – Sorry the password cannot include punctuation  

Me - 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow

Windows – Sorry, that password is already in use.

Poor Richard's JOW #1030

These weird days continue.  Imagine if you will, a world where Cinco de Mayo falls on a Taco Tuesday only to be ruined by a virus named after a Mexican beer.  Covid-19 has done what women have never been able to accomplish: Cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home. 

I appreciate the fodder provided by my readers; Woody, Bill, and Richard are frequent donors.  Last week I used stuff from Mike.  Poor Richard provided most of this week’s offerings.  He provided me a few Modern fashion tips.

·         Novelty ties are a bad look at funerals.

·         A fireman’s uniform is work-appropriate only if you’re a fireman, a stripper, or an undercover agent trying to infiltrate a gang of firefighters or strippers.

·         Remember, true style isn’t about adhering to someone else’s arbitrary rules. It’s about expressing yourself.  Unless the self you’re expressing is someone with bad style, in which case you’re a lost cause. 

Dick also provided some amusing quotes which I will use as a part of my jokes.  I often wonder about the attribution of quotes I see online.  As Abraham Lincoln put it –“You cannot trust all the things people post on the Internet.”

·         A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

·         Benjamin Disraeli. “That Sir, depends whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

·         "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr. 

·         "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill.

·         “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow.

·         "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

·         "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Hemingway in reply.

·         "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -  Moses Hadas.

·         "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain.

·         "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde.

·         "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.                                                                               

·         "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."   Winston Churchill, in response.

·         "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -  Stephen Bishop.

·         "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.

·         "I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -  Irvin S. Cobb.

·         "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -  Samuel Johnson.

·         "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -  Paul Keating.

·         "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.

·         "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  -  Mark Twain.

·         "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."  -   Mae West.

·         "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."  -  Oscar Wilde.

·         "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -  Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

·         "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -  Billy Wilder.

·         "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx. 

A random 'priest walks into a bar’ joke

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and asked the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, 'Then come over here.'
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over here," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!" 

This is one of my favorite jokes

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

And finally the thought occurred to me.  If you have ever wondered why they are called ‘boobs’, I have a theory.

Top view    front view    side view

B                   OO         B

Storied JOW #1029

As we continue with our reactions to the pandemic, I wonder about some of the measures being taken.  People are supposed to be wearing masks in Walmart?  They can’t even get all their customers to wear pants in there.  To provide a bit of variation in the humor I have a couple of stories this week.  Oh, and one comment from Mary Ellen.  She thinks the raccoon should be the official animal mascot of the Corvid-19 epidemic.  They wear masks and wash their hands.

A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson. This is what he said.

"Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.” As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

 Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream!  Why -- I never!”

 Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?" 

 After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.  

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.” 

 Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.  With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. 

Mike sent me this story which was simply too good not to share.

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her!