Being retired is not without its challenges. I am falling behind here at home. I am going to have to do twice as much ‘nothing’ tomorrow. I can remember having to work….vaguely. But I do have some jokes about the many different jobs in my various careers over my lifespan. Alas, none of them involved jokes – some were jokes, but that is another story. Here are my humorous (I hope) jokes of the week.
My Job Search
·
I worked in the
woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the axe.
·
After that, I
tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it, mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.
·
Then, I tried
being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life - but I just
didn't have the thyme.
·
I tried to be a
deli worker, but, no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the
mustard.
·
My
best job was as a musician, but I eventually found out that
I wasn't noteworthy.
·
I became a
professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net
income.
·
So then I got
a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
·
I couldn’t
concentrate in the orange juice factory.
·
The muffler
factory was just exhausting.
·
I couldn’t cut it
as barber, either.
·
I didn’t have the
patience to be a doctor.
·
I didn’t fit in
the shoe factory even though I put my sole into it.
·
Pool maintenance
was too draining.
·
I got fired from
the cannon factory.
·
And I just
couldn’t see any future as a historian.
·
I worked for a
while in the office at a stationery firm but I quit. I felt it wasn’t going anywhere.
So, I tried retirement and
found that I'm perfect for the job!
My old boss said to me,
“You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this
year?”
I said, “I’m not sure;
it’s hard to keep track.”
I got fired from my job
making keyboards. I wasn’t putting in
enough shifts. So I got a job at the
watch factory. Now all I do all day is
make faces.
Then I got fired from
another job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer
“Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct
terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
So now I’m developing a
new fragrance for introverts:
Leave Me the Fu Cologne.
I told my boss three
companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for
a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.
Leaving his office, he
stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"
"The gas, electric,
and cable company."
An employee is getting to
know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.
“Why did you leave that
job?” asked one co-worker.
“It was something my boss
said,” the woman replied.
“Why? What did he say?”
the co-worker asked.
“You’re fired.”
++++++
William Shatner has
discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties
wasn’t the best choice for a name.
I sometimes wonder
about job titles.
Could a librarian be called a
bookkeeper?
A referee be a game warden?
A dairyman be a cowboy?
A cabinetmaker be the president?
What do you call a
magician who lost their magic?
Ian. (It is a word joke)
````
I went to Bank of America
to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other
people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?
===
Give a man a gun and he’ll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he’ll rob everyone.
^^^^
There was a man was in the
street mumbling, “Deep hole full of water.”
It’s okay, he means well.
>>>
Dad can you explain to me
what a solar eclipse is
No sun.
<<<
Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur,
sodium, and phosphorous walk into a bar.
“OH SNaP!” says the
bartender.
~~~~
The oldest computer can be
traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple.
But it had extremely
limited memory. Just one byte.
A few quick ones
·
If you need more
space, there is always NASA.
·
The definition of
a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+
·
The word
‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous, but backwards it’s even more stupid.
·
I wonder….If Mr.
Potato Head was elected President would he be referred to as “Potatus”?
·
Why is it good to
know sign language? Because it comes handy.
·
People who
listened to the experts and isolated themselves during the pandemic had a form
of ‘heard immunity.’
·
Why did she quit
her job at the helium factory? She refused to be talked to in that voice.
A couple of off-topic
jokes to finish
Two whales walk into a
pub.
They take a seat at the
bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says:
“Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?”
The second one turns to the
first and says, “Shut up Frank, you’re drunk.”
~~~~~~~
A man came to the doctor
for a bad cough. The doctor mistakenly
gave him a prescription for a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later
the patient comes for a check-up
The doctor asks, “Well?
Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies, “No,
I’m afraid to, now.”