An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. We will be glad to see the end of 2010 – it was not the best of years for us. But each new year is a new beginning as well as a time for reminiscing.
I have a bit of history first that might come in handy for the new year followed by a topical joke, then I am reprising the single funniest bit (at least to me) that I can recall in the ten years I have been putting out this JOW.
----------------------------------------
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by the Scottish poet Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the actual lyrics for those of you who are of a traditional bent and are still able to stay up until midnight.
Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.
==========================
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
====================
And now: (insert drum roll)
The Saga of Hotel Soap
The following letters were taken from an incident between a London hotel and the old comedian Shelly Berman. I do not know if it is true but for some reason the exchanges just crack me up. It all started with a simple request to the hotel maid:
………………..
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
………………….
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
…………………
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
………………….
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
……………………………………
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeepe
………………………………………
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
………………………………………...
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
…………………………………….
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
………………………………………..
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
………………………………………..
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas JOW
Here is a Christmas JOW for you all. I will start with a poem by Ogden Nash. I like it but continue to wonder how Mr. Nash made a living with poems like this one.
-----------------------------------
It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
- Ogden Nash
+++++++++++++++++++++
Now on to the Christmas humor
Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă
I think Santa Claus is a woman. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once they do start shopping they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and processed amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the wall.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
A man can't pack a bag.
A man would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
A man doesn't answer his mail.
A man would refuse to allow his physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
A man isn't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Finally, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit his ability to pick up women.
ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ
I am flying this Christmas. I noticed the Airline Formerly Known as Continental has put up some lovely Christmas decorations: Mistletoe. It is there so you can KISS YOUR LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
……………………………………………………
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Watch out," Phil told Will, ”that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
===========================
In a small east Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that had the three wise men wearing firemen's helmets. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
“They must have been firemen; it says so right in the Bible!"
I told her I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.'"
Some short silly third-grade quick jokes.
-What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!
-What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
-What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!
-Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
-What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
-Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
-Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
-Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
"Holly"-wood!
-Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!
-Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a "bar humbug"!
-I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!
-Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
-How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!
-What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
-A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange "hello's" with strangers and "good buy's" with friends!
-What is in December that isn't in any other month?
The letter "D"!
-Knock Knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
- Bringing this to a merciful end, here is a recipe for disaster
Every year during the holidays we get to create a masterpiece of culinary delight – Rum Cake
Here is the recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is still holding its quality - try another cup. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Open second quart, if necessary. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.
-----------------------------------
It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
- Ogden Nash
+++++++++++++++++++++
Now on to the Christmas humor
Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă
I think Santa Claus is a woman. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once they do start shopping they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and processed amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the wall.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
A man can't pack a bag.
A man would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
A man doesn't answer his mail.
A man would refuse to allow his physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
A man isn't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Finally, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit his ability to pick up women.
ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ
I am flying this Christmas. I noticed the Airline Formerly Known as Continental has put up some lovely Christmas decorations: Mistletoe. It is there so you can KISS YOUR LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
……………………………………………………
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Watch out," Phil told Will, ”that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
===========================
In a small east Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that had the three wise men wearing firemen's helmets. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
“They must have been firemen; it says so right in the Bible!"
I told her I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.'"
Some short silly third-grade quick jokes.
-What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!
-What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
-What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!
-Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
-What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
-Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
-Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
-Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
"Holly"-wood!
-Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!
-Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a "bar humbug"!
-I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!
-Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
-How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!
-What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
-A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange "hello's" with strangers and "good buy's" with friends!
-What is in December that isn't in any other month?
The letter "D"!
-Knock Knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
- Bringing this to a merciful end, here is a recipe for disaster
Every year during the holidays we get to create a masterpiece of culinary delight – Rum Cake
Here is the recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is still holding its quality - try another cup. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Open second quart, if necessary. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Political JOW
My subject this week: professional politicians. I know, it is an easy target but I am a little busy. Actually, I am more irritated than usual with their antics. I look at Brazil that is currently booming. Its outgoing president says that the secret to successful government is to do the things everyone knows need to be done.” Recently a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into the Brazilian Congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans reassured them, "You'll get used to it". It is widely recognized that we have a major problem with our budget deficit. Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. Getting big deficits under control, like losing weight, is simple – you need to do two things. Instead of diet and exercise we must cut spending and increase taxes. I said simple, not easy. Typically Democrats want to increase taxes and Republicans want to cut spending. Recently they came up with a typical compromise: they will increase spending and cut taxes. “Hey, I know it is bad for the country,” one Washington politician was heard to admit, “but this compromise does accomplish the most important thing: it gets me reelected. And let me tell you, being in Washington is a sweet ride.”
The only thing the Democrats and Republicans seem to share in common is our money.
-----------------------------------
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress – but I repeat myself.” -─ Mark Twain
……………………………………..
How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
_______________________________
This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Q: "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
A: "Election day."
Q: If Congress was a football division, what would the teams be called?
A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.
===================
Corrupt Chicago politicians would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night one of them came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot.
“No”, he angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard of worthless material in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Of course all this nonsense in heightened by over the top rhetoric by pop political pundits:
''When you see the effects of what they're doing to the economy, remember these words: We will survive. No -- we'll do better than survive, we will thrive, as long as these people are not in control. They are taking you to a place to be slaughtered!''
—Glenn Beck, on FOX News, Nov. 3, 2009
In reply to which Stephen Colbert responded
Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy."
………………………..
And finally, words of ‘wisdom’ from arch-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia:
''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.''
You go Justice Scalia!
The only thing the Democrats and Republicans seem to share in common is our money.
-----------------------------------
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress – but I repeat myself.” -─ Mark Twain
……………………………………..
How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
_______________________________
This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Q: "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
A: "Election day."
Q: If Congress was a football division, what would the teams be called?
A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.
===================
Corrupt Chicago politicians would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night one of them came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot.
“No”, he angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard of worthless material in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Of course all this nonsense in heightened by over the top rhetoric by pop political pundits:
''When you see the effects of what they're doing to the economy, remember these words: We will survive. No -- we'll do better than survive, we will thrive, as long as these people are not in control. They are taking you to a place to be slaughtered!''
—Glenn Beck, on FOX News, Nov. 3, 2009
In reply to which Stephen Colbert responded
Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy."
………………………..
And finally, words of ‘wisdom’ from arch-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia:
''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.''
You go Justice Scalia!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Mutli Denominational JOW
This week my theme is religion in some of its many variations. Of course there are a lot of things we worship that have nothing to do with God. I am somewhat amused at the great furor about the anti-religious ads taken out by some atheists. People often react with anger and outrage when someone questions their previously unexamined beliefs. For heaven’s sake, the non-believers are merely exercising their constitutional right of freedom of religion or lack thereof. They are welcome to their dogma of nothing. But one thing does bother me: why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're called schizophrenic?
Here are some sort of religiously oriented jokes and observations.
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said...
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
=============================
Mary Ellen sent me this one:
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is ‘Africa’ .
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon around and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your little friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?” asked the Pastor.
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
------------------------------------------------
A large city-wide ecumenical service was in progress when someone smelled smoke and yelled "Fire!" Each denomination responded in their own individual way...
• The Church of Christ group pushed everybody into the water.
• The Lutherans nailed a paper to the door declaring 95 ways in which fire was evil. They then held a potluck dinner.
• The Episcopalians formed a liturgical procession and marched out in an orderly manner behind an acolyte.
• The Unitarians concluded the fire had as much right to be there as anyone and announced they would add its unique origins to their open celebration of life.
• The Christian Scientists elected a reader who gently persuaded them that there really was no fire.
• The 7th Day Adventists said it was the vengeance of an angry God.
• The Jehovah's Witnesses wrote an article about it and divided into groups to visit all the other denominations and sell copies.
• The Presbyterians commissioned a new anthem based on the atonal modalities of the sirens.
• The Pentecostals sharply rebuked the fire in unknown tongues.
• The Catholics petitioned the Bishop for permission to leave before they had been blessed.
• The Christians (Disciples) asked their pastor to stay out of it and referred the fire to the next Board of Elders meeting for a response.
• The Methodists gathered in a corner to pray that the traditional profession of firefighting could be peacefully blended with the contemporary nature of the flames.
• And the Baptists attempted to appoint three committees and pass an offering plate -- but soon quit speaking to each other after disagreeing whether the word "fire" was a fundamental, moderate or liberal concept.
Then there is the “toys” philosophy of various denominations
• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go to prison if we catch you selling yours.
• B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
• Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
• Hedonism – To hell with the rules! Let's play!
• Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination. Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
And speaking of Confucianism, here are a few more bits of Chinese wisdom
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many cheap prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Thos. Pinney
Here are some sort of religiously oriented jokes and observations.
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said...
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
=============================
Mary Ellen sent me this one:
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is ‘Africa’ .
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon around and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your little friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?” asked the Pastor.
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
------------------------------------------------
A large city-wide ecumenical service was in progress when someone smelled smoke and yelled "Fire!" Each denomination responded in their own individual way...
• The Church of Christ group pushed everybody into the water.
• The Lutherans nailed a paper to the door declaring 95 ways in which fire was evil. They then held a potluck dinner.
• The Episcopalians formed a liturgical procession and marched out in an orderly manner behind an acolyte.
• The Unitarians concluded the fire had as much right to be there as anyone and announced they would add its unique origins to their open celebration of life.
• The Christian Scientists elected a reader who gently persuaded them that there really was no fire.
• The 7th Day Adventists said it was the vengeance of an angry God.
• The Jehovah's Witnesses wrote an article about it and divided into groups to visit all the other denominations and sell copies.
• The Presbyterians commissioned a new anthem based on the atonal modalities of the sirens.
• The Pentecostals sharply rebuked the fire in unknown tongues.
• The Catholics petitioned the Bishop for permission to leave before they had been blessed.
• The Christians (Disciples) asked their pastor to stay out of it and referred the fire to the next Board of Elders meeting for a response.
• The Methodists gathered in a corner to pray that the traditional profession of firefighting could be peacefully blended with the contemporary nature of the flames.
• And the Baptists attempted to appoint three committees and pass an offering plate -- but soon quit speaking to each other after disagreeing whether the word "fire" was a fundamental, moderate or liberal concept.
Then there is the “toys” philosophy of various denominations
• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go to prison if we catch you selling yours.
• B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
• Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
• Hedonism – To hell with the rules! Let's play!
• Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination. Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
And speaking of Confucianism, here are a few more bits of Chinese wisdom
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many cheap prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Thos. Pinney
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)