More Old JOWs #1067

 My new goal is to be the oldest man in the world.  I started out way behind (I was born at an incredibly young age), but have passed several billion people by now.  In fact I just set a personal best for being old. It’s weird being the same age as old people.  When I was a kid I wanted to be older…what I got is not what I expected!  You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.  

My jokes of the week starts with that theme and then drifts away.

 

Kids today don’t know how good they have it.  When I was young I had to walk ten feet across shag carpeting to change the TV channel

 

The good old days were when I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.”

 

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

 

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

 

I see people about my age mountain climbing (like Andy); I feel good getting my legs through my underwear without losing my balance.

 

If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

 

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

 

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

 

About the Corona Virus:

During the Middle Ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.  Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

And when will the term 2020 become a pejorative expression such as, ‘Man that place was just 2020.”

+++++++

A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?" The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."

 

Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "It's 'may.'"
Student: "No, it's January."

 

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

 

I think my wife is putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" And I told him, "No it doesn't!"

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" 

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

 

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a  note on my windshield that said "parking fine."

 

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

 

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your clothes and run around naked and everybody thought it was cute?  Anyway, I need bail money.

 

 ^^^^^

Lately I’ve been feeling lethargic, listless, and apathetic.  When I get up too suddenly I get dizzy.  Sort of like it was after smoking a couple of joints.  Which reminded me there are great opportunities to get into the Cannabis Industry.  It sounds like an attractive joint venture.  You can go really high in this field…forget Peter Drucker…the management gurus in this field are Cheech and Chong…

 

``````````````````````

A local parish priest had a donkey.  He entered his donkey in a race, and it won.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in a race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PRIESTS ASS IS THE BEST

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

 BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

 

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

 NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

 

 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

 NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

 The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery -- maybe even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own. You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

And finally

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier.

“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a kind of peppermint taste.”

All Dad JOW #1066

 

My JOWs this week are exclusively Dad Jokes.  As my poor children will attest, I love to tell Dad Jokes.  My wife has heard so many that she is now immune to them.  What are Dad Jokes?  Any silly short joke, frequently involving wordplay, such as:  I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad! 

 

Jim send me a lot of these classic Dad Jokes.

What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!

What happens when you go to the bathroom in Europe? European.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!

What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

Can February march? No, but April may!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands!

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!

What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!

Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.

Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.

Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!

So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!

When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!

Actually 5 out of 4 people don’t understand fractions.

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!

This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!

I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!

What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!

I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.

If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!

I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
Good thymes.

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!

What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? "Oh my toe sis!"

I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.

I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.

What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.

What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.

A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

 

And finally, from Dick, two more.

‘I don’t have a dad bod, I have a father figure

 

My grief counselor died…fortunately he’s so good at his work that it was no big deal.

 

Old 'New Normal' JOW #1065

I did not expect things to get back to normal just because we are out of that dreadful 2020, it will be a while before things get back to close to normal.  I have a few short jokes about our current ‘new normal’ and then some jokes about my ‘old normal’.  As I have gotten older I have learned that the difference between being a Senior and being Elderly.  Seniors talk about their aches and ailments.  The Elderly talk about their procedures and operations. 

Here are a few bits about our ‘new normal’ provided by Bill

Covid 19 has been with us now that you can now buy matching shirts and face masks.

They are now starting to open stadiums – for AA meetings.

I remarked to my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with.  She said, “Must be nice.”

I told her that one good thing about the lockdown is that we can’t go out and spend money shopping.

She just smiled and clicked, ‘add to cart’.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought, ‘Dogs are easily amused.’  Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Do you remember, before the internet, people thought the cause of ignorance was the lack of access to information?  Yeah.  It wasn’t that.

Me: This show is boring

My Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference.

 

Some old observations

·         I don’t have a beer belly, I have a wine waist

·         I haven’t tried Yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick something up, so I’m pretty sure I’d hate Yoga.

·         I really do need to get into shape.  If I was murdered now, my chalk outline would be a circle.

·         My bedtime is a couple of hours after I fall asleep on the sofa.

·         I no longer eat health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.

·         Besides, the word ‘organic’ is from the Greek root ‘organous’ which means ‘over-priced.’

·         I’m getting so old my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it.

·         My wild oat have become All-bran

·         I am not buying a planner for 2021 until I see a trailer; I was burned last year.

·         They have a new brand of pants for old guys that combine the comfort of Dockers with the protection of Depends.  They call them DryDockers.

·         I just spent 15 minutes looking for my phone in the car.  While using my phone as a flashlight

 

From a Seniors Only dating web site

It says here you prefer someone with regular bowel movements.  Does it matter if they are involuntary?

 

A woman of a certain age was asked, “At your ripe age would you prefer to get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? With hesitation she answered, Parkinson’s.  Better to spill half the wine than forget when I left the bottle.

~~~~~~~

 Reminds me of the old joke…a lady goes to a psychiatrist. He says, “What’s the problem?”

 She says, “People say I have a problem because I like buckwheat pancakes.”

 He says, “That’s not a problem!  I LOVE buckwheat pancakes”

 She says, “Great…would you like some?  I have four storage units filled with them.”

 

Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

 

And in conclusion it is good to remember that others have it worse than we do.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.

"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."

"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.

"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

 

Gender Wars JOW #1064

 I am going to leave the topics of Covid 19 and 2020 alone for a long time.  I think we have heard enough from those two topics.  Instead I will shift to the gender wars.  I will start out with some quotes about men and women.  I am uncertain about the attribution of these quotes, but they are true – well, mostly.

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
 Frank Sinatra
 
 "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
 George Burns
 
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack  Nicholson
  
"Clinton  lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
 Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
 Robin Williams
 
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
 Robert De Niro
 
 "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
 Jerry Seinfeld
 
 "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
 Robin Williams
  
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.  "
 Joan Rivers
  
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
 Steve Martin
  
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
 Bob Hope
  
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
 Oscar Wilde

Women are crazy.  Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

George Carlin

Shifting gears, here are a few observations on the subject

Few women admit their age.

Few men act their age.

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Men socialize by insulting one another but they don’t really mean it.

Women socialize by complimenting one another, but they don’t really mean it either.

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Men are like Bluetooth:  He is connected to you when you are nearby but searches for other devices when you are away.

Women are like Wi-Fi: She sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.

>>>>>>> 

Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot flashes, etc.

Men have to deal with women.

I call it a tie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “Wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are.

 

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?

Him.  To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

 

She asked him to take her to a place where they make the food right in front of you.  So he took her to a Subway.

****

My wife sent me a text that read ‘Your great.’ 

So, naturally I sent back ‘No, you’re great.’

She has been happy all day.  Should I tell her I was correcting her grammar or just leave it?

======

From the highway patrolman giving a speeding ticket to a woman:

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

++++++

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, ‘smell this’ it usually smells nice.

>>>>>>>> 

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

<<<<< 

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is lost" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is lost."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is lost."

^^^^^^^^^

WIFE: "There is trouble with that classic old car of yours. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.  Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool".
++++++
This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.  25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
----
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Today's short reading from the bible
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round; and He laughed and laughed.

 

Another old biblical joke – one of my favorites

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, "Why did you make Eve so pretty?" 

God replied, "So you would love her." 

Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?" 

God replied, "So that you would love her." Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?" 

God said, "So you would love her." 

Finally, Adam asked, "Why did you make her so stupid?" 

God replied, "So that she would love you."