Husband - Wife JOW

I thought to hold off on Olympic jokes until next week but the IOC just allowed Russia to participate despite overwhelming evidence of systematic state-sponsored drug cheating.  After the press conference the IOC judges left in their (brand new) Ferrari’s to go to their (recently acquired) mansions.   I guess they are taking a page from the World Cup organizers.  Rumors say that many of them are known attorneys.   On a related note, seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

I start my jokes this week with some Husband – Wife conversations

Husband-Wife conversations

Wife – “Someone invented a laundry folding machine.

Husband – “I already have one of those.  It’s called a wi…..”

Wife - *Death Glare*

Husband -“um…. Me.”

Husband and wife were sitting at a table.  The wife wrote a number on a paper and slid it across to her husband.  The husband crossed it out and wrote a new number and slid it back.

The wife looked up at the puzzled waitress and explained.  “Thermostat negotiations.”

Wife to husband – “Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf.  Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Wife on the phone to her sister.  “My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.”

Husband – ”I don’t need Google.  My wife knows everything.”

Wife – “I’d have murdered my husband years ago but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

Husband – “My wife is a total MILF.  Mammal I’ve Learned to Fear.

Couples often agree upon an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other.  Mine is about $50.  Hers is around $1643.27.  Apparently.

Pat just wishes more of his famous stories about handcuffs involved sex instead of police officers.

From Woody.

‘I just found out that I have a ticket to the Open, but I have a conflict on my schedule.    I am getting married that day.  If anyone wants to fill in for me, the wedding is at Grace Church at 4:00 and her name is Ann.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to an older ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

****************

A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” 

Granny replies: “The hell with the pills, did you see those dragons in the kitchen?” 

-------------------------

Remember, you can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Cats and Dogs:

Dog – ‘Oh, boy the Master’s home!  Yay!’

Cat – ‘You’re late slave.”

John sent this one.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

 One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

 “I have three questions," he says.

 "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

 Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?

 A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

 "I have two questions," he says.
"First -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, second -- where's Kenneth?"

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Aggie who got on the bus and sat next to a lady nursing an obviously healthy two month old baby.  Intrigued, the Aggie asked “Lady, why is your baby so big and healthy?”

“I don’t know”, she replied, “I only feed him milk and orange juice.”

Really interested now, the Aggie says “Well ma’am, which one is the orange juice.”

From Keith:

A group of early settlers heading west got off the Oregon Trail and found themselves lost and running out of supplies. One evening, they camped near a stream, and as it became darker, they saw a campfire a little way up the hill on the same stream.
The next morning, they headed out to see who was there. They found a small cave and an old Rabi had made his home there.
"We're lost and hungry, can you help us?"
He thought a moment, then said, "I have very little and can only share the water in this stream, and I know only that there's a Bacon Tree about a mile west of here along the stream."
They couldn't pack up and roll out fast enough, the thought of BACON filled their minds. As they went through a small narrow gorge, they were accosted by a band of Walla Walla Indians who were not happy to see them and would have robbed them if they had anything of value.
Beaten up and nursing a few wounds, they got out, but the leader of the group went back to the old Rabi with several men, all of them angry. "You said there was a Bacon Tree, and all we found was an Ambush by angry Indians!"

The Rabi thought a moment, adjusted his little round glasses, looked up and said. "Oy Vey! Ham Bush, Bacon Tree, who knew?"

Conventional JOW #824

This is the height of the season for those benighted individuals who are political wonks.  Having had to watch some of it, I cannot understand how people can find political conventions interesting.  If I do not repent of my evil ways I may have to spend eternity listening to campaign speeches.  The worst part is that all this will be going on for three long weeks.  I should have scheduled my back packing trip for this time so Dave and I could be out of range of all communications. 

I think this calls for a few jokes and a drink.  In that order.

A boy returned to his home after school.  His granny asked him, “Well, tell me Jimmy, what did you learn in school today?”

“Granny, you won’t believe it.  We conducted experiments with explosives in Chemstry class.”

“And what are you doing tomorrow at school?”

“Well granny, the school isn’t there any more.”

Keith has been very generous with his inputs to me  Here is one:

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of my church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Woody helps a lot, too.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. 

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

And this one

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. 

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to
be.

Dick provided these

·         Mom, can I have a dollar?  I’ve been good all week.
A whole dollar, just for being good?  Why can’t you be good for nothing like your father?

·         I posed naked for a magazine today.
How did that go?
Not so well.  The newsstand guy said he only accepts cash

·         Is it true you are addicted to brake fluid?
No, I can stop anytime.

·         What is the lazy man’s favorite exercise?
Diddly-squats.

And finally, the requisite stupid joke

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a closed gas station.  They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it with the Universal Translator.  “Greetings.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader.”

And of course the gas pump did not reply.

The younger alien become angry.  And directed his question at the pump more forcefully.

“I’d be careful if I were you,” cautioned the older alien.

The younger alien ignored this and repeated his greeting with even greater emphasis.  Again there was no response.  Angry at what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude he drew his ray gun and confronted the pump.  “Do not ignore us!  Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien backed away and warned the younger one, “Be careful.  You don’t want to make him mad.”

“Rubbish” replied the young alien and fired a blast at the gasoline pump which, exposed to the great heat, promptly exploded in a huge fireball which deposited the young alien in a cactus patch some distance away.

When he regained consciousness he refocused his three eyes and peered blearily at the older alien who was shaking his big green head.

“What ferocious creatures,” the young one said, “It almost killed me.  How did you know they were so dangerous?”

The wise old alien put a friendly feeler on his young friend and replied, “There is one thing I have learned in my intergalactic travels – don’t mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear.”

Non-Sporting JOW #823

  There are two unusual days this week – today and Wednesday are the only two days in the year when there are no games played in any of the four major sports.  And actually the Baseball All Star Game on Tuesday is not that interesting to me.  So I have three days where I will be denied access to that life-sucking spectacle of televised sports.  I may even have to talk to my spouse.

My jokes this week are more observational humor, mostly provided by Woody and Keith. (Thank you very much).  Most of these have to do with coming to (Poly) grips with aging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Know how to prevent your skin from sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Wouldn’t you know it... brain cells come and brain cells go, But FAT cells live forever.

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.  At least I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.

When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping.’  Now I just ‘chunky dunk.’

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"  And when they ask, “Where would you like to be five years from now?” I want to answer “On a white sand beach with a cold drink next to my Brazilian supermodel girlfriend.”

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

From Woody

Bad decisions make good stories. (Pat and Woody have some GREAT stories)

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

Map Quest and Google Maps really need to start their directions on about step # 5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  And I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

           
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?  I really need to know.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and wallet/purse - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The Psychiatrist & the Proctologist

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  

They put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".  

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.   "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.   

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.   

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!   

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.  
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.  
Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.  
Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".  

Everyone loved it.