Clean New Years JOW

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. We will be glad to see the end of 2010 – it was not the best of years for us. But each new year is a new beginning as well as a time for reminiscing.
I have a bit of history first that might come in handy for the new year followed by a topical joke, then I am reprising the single funniest bit (at least to me) that I can recall in the ten years I have been putting out this JOW.
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Auld Lang Syne was partially written by the Scottish poet Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the actual lyrics for those of you who are of a traditional bent and are still able to stay up until midnight.

Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

==========================
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

====================
And now: (insert drum roll)
The Saga of Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an incident between a London hotel and the old comedian Shelly Berman. I do not know if it is true but for some reason the exchanges just crack me up. It all started with a simple request to the hotel maid:
………………..
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeepe
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
………………………………………...
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
…………………………………….
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Christmas JOW

Here is a Christmas JOW for you all. I will start with a poem by Ogden Nash. I like it but continue to wonder how Mr. Nash made a living with poems like this one.

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It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
- Ogden Nash
+++++++++++++++++++++
Now on to the Christmas humor

Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă

I think Santa Claus is a woman. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once they do start shopping they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and processed amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the wall.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
A man can't pack a bag.
A man would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
A man doesn't answer his mail.
A man would refuse to allow his physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
A man isn't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Finally, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit his ability to pick up women.

ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ

I am flying this Christmas. I noticed the Airline Formerly Known as Continental has put up some lovely Christmas decorations: Mistletoe. It is there so you can KISS YOUR LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
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One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Watch out," Phil told Will, ”that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

===========================
In a small east Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that had the three wise men wearing firemen's helmets. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
“They must have been firemen; it says so right in the Bible!"
I told her I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.'"

Some short silly third-grade quick jokes.


-What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!

-What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

-What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!

-Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

-What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!

-Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner!

-Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!

-Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
"Holly"-wood!

-Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!

-Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a "bar humbug"!

-I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!

-Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!

-How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!

-What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!

-A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange "hello's" with strangers and "good buy's" with friends!

-What is in December that isn't in any other month?
The letter "D"!

-Knock Knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

- Bringing this to a merciful end, here is a recipe for disaster

Every year during the holidays we get to create a masterpiece of culinary delight – Rum Cake
Here is the recipe:

1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is still holding its quality - try another cup. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Open second quart, if necessary. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.

Political JOW

My subject this week: professional politicians. I know, it is an easy target but I am a little busy. Actually, I am more irritated than usual with their antics. I look at Brazil that is currently booming. Its outgoing president says that the secret to successful government is to do the things everyone knows need to be done.” Recently a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into the Brazilian Congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans reassured them, "You'll get used to it". It is widely recognized that we have a major problem with our budget deficit. Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. Getting big deficits under control, like losing weight, is simple – you need to do two things. Instead of diet and exercise we must cut spending and increase taxes. I said simple, not easy. Typically Democrats want to increase taxes and Republicans want to cut spending. Recently they came up with a typical compromise: they will increase spending and cut taxes. “Hey, I know it is bad for the country,” one Washington politician was heard to admit, “but this compromise does accomplish the most important thing: it gets me reelected. And let me tell you, being in Washington is a sweet ride.”
The only thing the Democrats and Republicans seem to share in common is our money.
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“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress – but I repeat myself.” -─ Mark Twain
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How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
_______________________________

This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


Q: "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
A: "Election day."

Q: If Congress was a football division, what would the teams be called?
A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.


===================

Corrupt Chicago politicians would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night one of them came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot.
“No”, he angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard of worthless material in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.


Of course all this nonsense in heightened by over the top rhetoric by pop political pundits:

''When you see the effects of what they're doing to the economy, remember these words: We will survive. No -- we'll do better than survive, we will thrive, as long as these people are not in control. They are taking you to a place to be slaughtered!''
—Glenn Beck, on FOX News, Nov. 3, 2009

In reply to which Stephen Colbert responded

Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy."

………………………..
And finally, words of ‘wisdom’ from arch-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia:

''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.''

You go Justice Scalia!

Mutli Denominational JOW

This week my theme is religion in some of its many variations. Of course there are a lot of things we worship that have nothing to do with God. I am somewhat amused at the great furor about the anti-religious ads taken out by some atheists. People often react with anger and outrage when someone questions their previously unexamined beliefs. For heaven’s sake, the non-believers are merely exercising their constitutional right of freedom of religion or lack thereof. They are welcome to their dogma of nothing. But one thing does bother me: why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're called schizophrenic?
Here are some sort of religiously oriented jokes and observations.


Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said...
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

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Mary Ellen sent me this one:

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is ‘Africa’ .
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon around and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your little friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?” asked the Pastor.
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

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A large city-wide ecumenical service was in progress when someone smelled smoke and yelled "Fire!" Each denomination responded in their own individual way...

• The Church of Christ group pushed everybody into the water.
• The Lutherans nailed a paper to the door declaring 95 ways in which fire was evil. They then held a potluck dinner.
• The Episcopalians formed a liturgical procession and marched out in an orderly manner behind an acolyte.
• The Unitarians concluded the fire had as much right to be there as anyone and announced they would add its unique origins to their open celebration of life.
• The Christian Scientists elected a reader who gently persuaded them that there really was no fire.
• The 7th Day Adventists said it was the vengeance of an angry God.
• The Jehovah's Witnesses wrote an article about it and divided into groups to visit all the other denominations and sell copies.
• The Presbyterians commissioned a new anthem based on the atonal modalities of the sirens.
• The Pentecostals sharply rebuked the fire in unknown tongues.
• The Catholics petitioned the Bishop for permission to leave before they had been blessed.
• The Christians (Disciples) asked their pastor to stay out of it and referred the fire to the next Board of Elders meeting for a response.
• The Methodists gathered in a corner to pray that the traditional profession of firefighting could be peacefully blended with the contemporary nature of the flames.
• And the Baptists attempted to appoint three committees and pass an offering plate -- but soon quit speaking to each other after disagreeing whether the word "fire" was a fundamental, moderate or liberal concept.

Then there is the “toys” philosophy of various denominations

• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go to prison if we catch you selling yours.
• B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
• Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
• Hedonism – To hell with the rules! Let's play!
• Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination. Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

And speaking of Confucianism, here are a few more bits of Chinese wisdom
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many cheap prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.


Thos. Pinney

Fast Feast JOW

We have completed the annual feast of Thanksgiving where modern Americans celebrate the fact that we are the first society in history where food is so readily available that obesity even among the poor has become a national problem. You might say we have put all the good food behind us; some of us have done so in a literal fashion. There was reputedly a sign at the Olympic stadium in Peking: STADIUM HOLDS 120,000 CHINESE, or 80,000 AMERICANS.

Here are some thoughts on eating:

• Never eat more than you can lift --Miss Piggy

• If guns kill people, then a spoon made Rosie O’Donnell fat.

• Try the Garlic Diet; eat garlic with every meal. You may or not lose weight but you certainly will lose friends.


They just opened a new restaurant on the moon.
The food is supposed to be pretty good but there is no atmosphere.
-----------------------------------------

A young man rushed into the doctor’s office.
He had a carrot up one nostril, a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Doctor, doctor,” he gasped, “What’s wrong with me?"
The doctor looked at him, shook his head sorrowfully and replied, "You're not eating right."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I heard this phone message:

“Welcome to the Weight Loss Hot Line. If you would like to lose one pound, press ‘1’ about eighteen thousand times.”

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A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Big, red lobster tails at $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be not-so-fresh lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big, red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes, definitely" she insisted with a smile.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."


……………………………………………..
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake.
We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake," he explained.
"I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, beaming, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

And for desert:

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes, sir! Class of 2010!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hands, saying, "I’m class of '68."

Thankful JOW

Thanksgiving is upon us. Travel and Thanksgiving go together like turkey and cranberry sauce. The airports are already getting congested and gas stations are hiking prices in anticipation of the annual great migration; like wildebeests masses of us move great distances in search of food. The latest news is that passengers are finally beginning to kick back at the latest ridiculous and ineffective efforts by the government bureaucrats at TSA (Touching, Squeezing, and Annoying). Every time we hear of some ridiculous plot, (the shoe bomber, the aftershave plot, the underwear bomber) TSA reacts by overreacting. We are the only country to make people take off their shoes, not even the highly-security conscious Israelis do that. And why do we make people remove their foot gear? Because it is a “government policy” and those things have a half life measured in generations. I can almost hear the terrorists cackling in their caves now. “Hey, let’s get some fool to put some explosives in his underwear. That will really drive all those effete people who wear underwear crazy.” Underwear bombs – really. Clearly the TSA wasn’t considering the size of underwear worn by women these days – I doubt if a thong-sized bomb would have enough explosive to pop a balloon. On the other hand, I have seen a few large women here in Texas whose underwear could probably disable an Abrams tank. I only hope TSA has not learned of the suicide bomber who slipped past security by secreting a bomb up his nether regions.
But enough of my rant on the enormous and ineffective federal bureaucracy that has sprung up to badger air travelers. Here are some Thanksgiving and Traveling jokes for the season.

PROPOSED NEW TSA SLOGANS

• Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.
• If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.
• Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
• Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.
• Throw a few back at the airport bar and you won't even notice what we are doing.
• We've handled more balls than Barney Frank
• We are now free to move about your pants
• It's not a grope. It's a ‘freedom pat’.
• We handle more packages than the USPS
• No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
• Let Our fingers do some walking
• Reach out and grope someone
• Can you feel me now?
• Grope discounts available.

Now for some airline humor in the form of flight attendant announcements:

• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For the few people who still travel by rail

A train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for a while. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
………………..

If you travel by car- an observation:
"Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country, from coast to coast, without seeing anything." -Charles Kuralt


Some Turkey humor

Back in the early ‘80s my very country grandmother got her first microwave oven. She decided to try and cook the Thanksgiving turkey the new modern way. After carefully reading the instructions she put the bird into the microwave and started it up.
Even a microwave takes a while to cook a turkey. While the bird was cooking Big Momma was called to the phone. While she was talking her adult sons switched the turkey with a Cornish Game Hen.
Big Momma come back and peered into the glass front of the microwave expecting to see her big old turkey to be almost done. She looked at the diminutive bird cooking in her newfangled microwave and shook her head.
“I guess I left it in too long,” she announced, “it shrunk.”
The boys all thought that was hilarious. But the joke was on them. She never cooked anything else in that microwave again.
…………………………………

A professional NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.'
'Forget the bonus,' replied the turkey, 'What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

=============================================


Thos. Pinney

Redneck JOW

Martha sent me some redneck humor. Poor rednecks, they and blondes are about the only group it is safe to make fun of anymore. But I have to acknowledge, those are my roots. And speaking of roots,
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Rednecks have a rich cultural life. They even have poetry. Here are a few examples of Redneck haiku

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....."Well, go ahead."

………………………………………..
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

--------------------------------------
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

+++++++++++++++++
A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

But wait, there’s more!

A redneck and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

Finally, Jeff Farnsworth has made a very good living doing his “You might be redneck if…” routine. It is a funny bit because all too often you have either 1) met the criteria or 2) known someone who has.

You might be a redneck if:

-You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of -Tattoos.
-You have ever financed a tattoo.
-You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
-You mow your lawn and find a car.
-Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and grabbing a flashlight.
-Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
-There are several lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
-You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
-The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
-You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
-More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
-You think the stock market has a fence around it.
-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
-Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
-You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
-You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
-Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
-You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
-There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
-You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
-You own a homemade fur coat.
-Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Quotable JOW

We all have our moments when we say something clever. Unfortunately most of the time we think of something clever to say about five minutes after it is too late. Life is like that. So we try to remember cleaver quotes to use instead of making up our own. Of course attribution is often a problem. I have heard all sorts of people given credit for sayings I thought were said by someone else.
Just for the record I can only think of two somewhat amusing sayings that I can personally claim as mine:

• It is easier to get a poor man to donate his last dollar than to get a dime from a rich one.
• It is not your legs that are the first thing to go, it is your sense of pride.

But before I get into my humorous quotations I should put in a joke. Since it is Veteran’s Day, here is an old veteran’s joke:
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"

Now to the quotable observations:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

These MapQuest and Google maps are great but when they provide directions, they really need to start their directions from about step 4 or so. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to take their call.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with beer than Kay.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

The first testicular guard, the "cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Pity thoughts:
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",
What does that make the Tennessee Titan ?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative─the only truly consistent people are dead

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some of us abuse the privilege

Another Old JOW

Since I have somehow managed to survive my entry into old age I can now make fun of the elderly from the other side. Old people are second only to the battle of the sexes as a source of wonderful jokes. Here are a few.

Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse.
“He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in a unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he was only five foot three, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora ─ don’t be too direct ─ ease into it. Dora can be pretty hot sometimes,” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue colored finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.
”I’ll deliver the message.”

…………………………………..

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, “I just had a silent fart what you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

==================

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. I have determined that despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Miniskirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo's and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . my personal favorite:
• Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop for us.

*******************
Now that I am an old fart I find:
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... if you give me a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I get compliments on my alligator shoes while barefoot.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, some memorable quotes about old age:

• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
• I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
• The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal

Thos. Pinney

Automotive JOW

My daughter asked me to do a car-themed JOW. No problem. I have owned some awful cars in the past; the kind that if you crack a tail light it is totaled. Of course they had the nice feature of doubling in value every time you filled it up with gas. Guys at stoplights would start to wash my car window, stop, and give me a dollar.

So here are some jokes that are either car related, transportation related, or fit it with the Chili Cookoff. I will start with one of my favorites:

Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans.

WORST CARS OF THE MILLENNIUM...as voted by NPR's Car Talk:
• The Yugo: "At least it had heated rear windows so your hands could stay warm while you pushed."
• Ford Pinto: "Remember that great Pinto bumper sticker? 'Hit me and we blow up together'?"
• Renault Le Car: "It would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant."
• Volkswagen Bus: "There was no heat--unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire."
• Fiat X1/9: "It ran fine--that is, unless it was too wet, too cold, too hot or too dark outside."
• Chevrolet Vega: "As far as I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust."
• American Motors Gremlin: "It was entirely possible to read an entire Russian novel during the pause between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."

The 1973 American Motors Gremlin combines the advantage of not worrying about it getting stolen with the advantage of it being so ugly that poisonous snakes flee from it in terror.
--Dave Barry

+++++++++++++++++
A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees' fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis Church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees' fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees' fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
___________________

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

==============================
An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.
"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"
"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.
"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.
"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"
"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.

…………………………………………………………………..
Bubba and Leroy were chatting about Bubba's new purchase.
"What is that thang?" sez LeRoy.
"It's a thermos bottle," responds Bubba. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What you got in there?"
"Chili and iced tea."


Thos. Pinney

High Flying JOW

Like all right thinking Americans I dislike the TSA. The TSA security measures are there primarily so politicians can say ‘look at all the money we are spending to “keep you safe”’. Seriously, not even the Israelis make people take off their shoes. I was briefly worried after the latest failed effort to blow up an airliner; I mean if a failed shoe bomber required us to take off our shoes, and a failed deodorant bomber made us show our toiletries, then there was a failed underwear bomber…
Jokes about the airport security abound:

Since the pen is mightier than the sword, will they soon ban ball point pens at airport screenings?
And thank goodness for those flying monkeys, the Tin Man would never get past the metal detectors.
Vermont and New York cheddar cheese can be brought on board airplanes, but not Wisconsin cheddar— it is by far the sharpest cheese in the cheddar family.

Two ex-Transportation Security Administration screeners were working security at a football stadium. One turns to the other and says,
“I miss pawing ladies' underwear like we could when we was screenin' for the TSA”.
------------------

Some good old airline and airplane jokes:

One of the oldest jokes I remember has to do with automation of flight controls. My long-time friend Nancy, (I did not say “old friend” because, like me, she is Still Under Sixty) has been working on such programs to reduce or even someday eliminate the need for pilots and their associated costs:
The passengers of a new airline were thrilled to be on the first flight of the sleep new airplane. Shortly after takeoff there was a communication from the cockpit.
“Welcome aboard Apple Airlines. We are climbing to our cruising altitude of 32,000 feet. This is the first commercial airline in the world to fly with no pilots. That’s right the entire flight will be controlled by sophisticated computers and operated by our new iFly program. Do not be concerned about the absence of flight crew. The flight program is absolutely flawless and nothing can possibly go wrong….go wrong….go wrong.

I told you it was an old joke. Here is a related but newer one.
----------------

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
“With my team's software the plane is unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.”

___________________

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

……………….

On a flight from Anchorage to Tokyo, the flight engineer went back into the passenger cabin. An elderly woman passenger stopped him and asked him what the temperature was.
'It's 70 degrees, madam,' he replied, adding, 'But outside it's 30 degrees below zero.'
'Young man,' the woman demanded, 'What were you doing outside?'

+++++++++++++++++++++
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said in a strangled voice, "You mean you're not the flight instructor"

****************

Finally, some aircraft truisms:
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• There is no such thing as too much airspace above you or runway behind you.
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
• When it comes to making the lowest possible pass, the best you can do is tie the record.
• Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, water, mountains and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Thos. Pinney

A Child of the Sixties hits Sixty JOW

I used to worry about what it would be like to be middle-aged. Now I remember what it was like. It is hard to tell just when being middle-aged ends and being elderly begins these days, but turning 60 might just be one of those milestones. This comes home strongly to me when an old friend (and I use that term advisedly) passes that milestone. A true child of the Sixties had hit Sixty. Yes, Andy is now one of those fellows we used to watch sitting on the green benches in St. Petersburg back in our college days. I will grudgingly admit that he doesn’t act like an old fart, and he doesn’t look like some decrepit old geezer, and he certainly is in far better condition than most men ten years his junior. Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty. Of course, the simple fact of the matter is: Andy is now sixty years of age and I am not.

It is not all bad, is it? The sixties is the stage in your life when you become mature, reliable and dependable. In other words, you have become boring, predictable and conventional. Don’t give up enthusiasm for life just because you’ve reached the grand age of sixty. Do something outrageous and crazy – take up fly tying or stamp collecting; right after your afternoon nap.
______________

Mary Ellen, another woman of a certain age, reminds me that women are angels. If their wings are broken they simply continue to fly;
On a broomstick – they are flexible that way.

Here are three groaners for your amusement.
--------------------
There were once two baker’s shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine that could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No one went to the other baker's shop anymore and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."
"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."

=====================
Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.
Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.
Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.
The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!!!"

++++++++++++++++++
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was an avid hunter; he took pride in shooting perfect trophy deer. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: one eye was clouded with a cataract.
The hunter started to take aim with his gun, but his friend begged him to stop.
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, "I think that's a bad eye deer"

Imagine Whirled Peas

I vividly remember in the spring of 2002 watching military transport ships in the port of Houston being loaded with all the engines of war in preparation for the Second Gulf War. Recently I have noticed railroad flat cars loaded with desert camouflaged up-armored and well-worn Humvees, tanker trucks, and other military rolling stock all headed north; back to their various homes in bases here in the States. Equipment comes home from war just as men do. It got me thinking about peace and other deep thoughts. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Until that happens, here are some jokes for a peaceful week.

===========================
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man in Jerusalem who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She thought that would make a good story. So she drove to the wall and, sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“Sixty years.”
“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”
“I feel like I’m talking to a bloody wall!”

Two recent headlines
“The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.”

“War Dims Hope for Peace.”

+++++++++++++++++++++
In order to, as Thomas Jefferson put it, “to promote domestic tranquility” here are some things that might lead to greater peace around the home:
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a man.
The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one of them is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1 - “What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Sports
b - Cars
c - Food
d - Sex
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

Of course the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - “Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear" or “Yes, more than ever,” or even “Of course”
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

3 - “Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room, by a window if necessary.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I’ve seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - “Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you glanced at or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - “What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
Wrong answers include:
a – Why, are you feeling sick?
b – Well, I would have a funeral for you or something
c – I guess, give all your clothes and stuff to your sister.
d - I probably would remarry; widows outnumber widowers by a wide margin
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

………………………..
Finally, a tribute to peace of another kind:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

Thos. Pinney

Kid Raising JOW #528

In addition to a few jokes this JOW is also an invitation to come to my home on Saturday, October 30 for the resumption of the annual Pinney Chili Cook-off birthday celebration and general get together. It is an opportunity for friends, acquaintances, and perfect strangers to get together for good food and conversation. Although the theme is based around chili con carne and there will be a variety of samples of this most protein of dishes, it is not necessary to bring any to enjoy the day. The event will start sometime after noon and will go on until well after dark. Once you hit 60, “after dark” is the equivalent of “into the wee small hours.”
I had the opportunity to visit with my charming and lovely granddaughters, aged 3 & 5 this past weekend. (Photos are available upon request.) They gave me the idea of having a kid raising JOW.

=======================================
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ``no.'' The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ``Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't get upset. It won't be long.''
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to sob. The mother said, ``Please, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.''
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, ``Ellen, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.''
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. ``I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...''
The mother broke in, ``My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.''

-------------
Here are some observations about children and bringing them up.
*For adult education, nothing beats children.
*A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
*God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once. And we have guilt because mothers can’t be everywhere at once.
*Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
*There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
*Never ask a 3-year-old to hold a tomato.
*A 4-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
*If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.
*Lego's will safely pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
*Super glue is forever.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Toddler's Creed (by Collette @ gte.net)
If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it's mine.

………………………………….
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time?'"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"

===========================
Finally, I came across this scholarly article in one of Ruth’s medical journals. It seems that scientific medicine has discovered yet another medical condition:

Childhood Syndrome

Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to ``short, noisy creatures,'' who may well have been what we now call ``children.'' The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this century, when so-called ``child psychologists'' and ``child psychiatrists'' became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.

Causes of Childhood

Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below. Sociological Model Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about children:
the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.
In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grade education. Clearly, children are an ``out-group.'' Because of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhoodism that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1938) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.

Biological Model

The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1959) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1910) indicate that family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have childhood. Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well.

Psychological Models

A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's ``learned childishness'' model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Barney (1993) has called ``childhood'' an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labeling them ``children.''

Treatment of Childhood

Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: ``There's a child born every minute.''
The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called ``public schools.'' Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a ``kindergarten'' program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature, and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting). Unfortunately, the ``school'' system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood. Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical interventions. By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following case (taken from Gumbie & Pokey 1967) is typical.
After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1942) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1939) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years. At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls. The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly, & Shemp, 1943) assessed the original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the ``metric system'' (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1958). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood.

Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder.

Jumbo JOW

Some of my JOW readers can remember when I was, for want of a better word, skinny. Those days are long gone ─ I've really put on the pounds. Keeping weight off is like holding a beach ball underwater ─ it takes constant effort. I've gone from pinch-an-inch to rub-a-tub. I think all tend to get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
You know you need to do something about your weight when you board an airplane and the flight attendant designates your gut as carry-on luggage. I had a doctor tell me eating right doesn't have to be complicated. He said just think in colors; fill your plate with bright colors... greens, yellows, reds, etc.
So I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&Ms while writing up this JOW.

An overweight blonde went to her doctor. He advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor`s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky extra pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "Now that I am 300 miles away, how do I get home?"

Here is a non-fat joke from Martha:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

……………………………..

The news about being fat is not all bad─ it is documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This will enable you to someday spend an additional 5 months drooling in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

+++++++++++++++
An exciting new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits. Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report. Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

-------------------------------------------------
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

Thos. Pinney

Auto JOW

Do you realize that if all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend... That is just the start of my automotively-themed jokes this week. Enjoy

So many people just don’t pay attention on the road these days. The other morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
………………………………..

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
_________________________

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her in the head.”
"Then this Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"

Here are some things you should NOT say to the policeman who has pulled you over.

• Here, hold my beer while I look for my license
• Are you the guy from the Village People?
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
• Bad cop! No doughnut!
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
• So, uh, you on the take or what?


A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the local cafe one morning.
'Do you realize,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'
'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'
'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'
'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'
'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife has a Mercedes; nice car but it is starting to have little mechanical problems. It started going "Her-hick, her-hick, her-hick!" I had to take it to a Mercedes mechanic to find out that's German for "Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!" They fixed the problem: the sound is now Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Mercedes mechanics are so rich they wear overalls with alligators on the pocket. When they hand you your repair bill they wear ski masks.

====================

Boudreaux was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Boudreaux forced the oncoming car to slow down shouted 'Pig out the window. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Boudreaux.
Then his car hit the pig.

Tardy JOW

One problem with working at home is that you sometimes lose track of the days. I just looked up and, holy cow, (not the Chick Filet ones) it is Friday and I haven’t entertained my faithful JOW crowd. So here are a few jokes for you to enjoy over the weekend.


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me a medical term for that so I can tell my wife."

+++++++++++++++
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Denver. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed a moment later by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap my boss all at the same time!"

*******************
A backwoods family made their first visit to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching an older lady walked up to the silver walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the old lady stepped into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

……………………
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation looking absolutely fabulous and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

_______________________

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Old Groaner JOW

My work will be taking me back to the Bayou Country later in the week so I thought to get my JOW out a bit early this week. I was reviewing my old JOWs looking for some inspiration. It surprised me how many jokes were repeated; I have joke in my records that have been sent to me repeatedly. Sometimes from the phrasing I am pretty sure they were put out by me as a JOW; the biter bit! I also became aware of just how much water was under the bridge when I saw comments like ‘I still have three teenagers.’ Wow, that was a while ago. At any rate, I came up with some groaners, also known as shaggy dog stories or outrageous puns. They are old, but then most jokes are. Hope you enjoy them anyway.

------------------------------
Sheila loved her two dogs, but they were very disobedient, so she decided to take them to obedience classes.
The class was run by an old man. He was very strict but seemed to get good results, and after several months of regular attendance things had improved to such a degree that Sheila was even considering entering her pets into his obedience competition.
Then, shortly before the completion, disaster struck. Sheila had to baby-sit for her young nephew Bartholomew. All evening, the boy teased the dogs, and by the end of the day both dogs were back to their old habits - all the hard work and training was undone in a single evening; it was as if they had never been to class at all.
Worst of all, it was the day before the competition, and she had already registered her entry. What could she do? In desperation, Sheila decided to call a friend of hers who also had two dogs of the same breed who looked like her dogs and were well behaved. Explaining the situation, Sheila asked if she could borrow the two good dogs. Her friend agreed, and Sheila arrived as usual with two well-behaved dogs.
But the old man wasn't fooled for a moment - as soon as he saw them he knew they were the wrong dogs, so he called Sheila over to the side of the class.
"It was a good try," he said sternly "but don’t you know, you can't trick an old teach with new dogs."

+++++++++++++++++
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please, same as always,” said King Wenceslas breaking into song, "deep pan, crisp and even"

………………..
Two men got into a heated argument about which was the most impressive river in the world. The first man was an Egyptian, and was quite confident that the Nile was absolutely the best river in the world - he cited the stunning scenery and the thousands of years of history around it. The other man was an American, who believed that the Mississippi was better. He talked about the way the river had helped to open up the continent, and the great cities that had developed along its banks.
They argued about it for hours, until finally, another fellow stepped in, and stopped the argument.
He managed to convince them that both rivers were equally impressive, because, after all as everyone knows –
A Miss. is as good as the Nile

==============
A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. Since competition in their area was quite fierce, they wanted their new business to have something unique about it.
After much thought, they decided to set up shop on board a boat, moored on the banks of the river. As an added bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat, with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.
The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry.