Thankful JOW #689

It was brought to my attention that this Thursday is Thanksgiving.  This is a wonderful holiday with a chance to feast, watch football, and spend time with your family and loved ones.  For some reason people get all stressed out about it.  I don’t understand why.  We have been going to my kinfolk for the feast for a long time now and nobody has been shot or even cut bad in several years, although things do get a bit testy when the Cowboys are playing poorly. 

To get ready for Thanksgiving I’ve gone on a whiskey diet. Seems to be working - I've lost three days already.   I better get this JOW off before I lose any more.

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The Dallas Cowboys had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

“Just one question,” the Turkey replied, “Does the season to go on past Thanksgiving?”

(He was fortunate to try out for the Cowboys and not the Texans – their season is already over.)

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

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For those of us of rural antecedents (i.e. Rednecks) a few tips in etiquette might be appropriate.  Tom provided some of these:  He assures me following these simple rules will help get you through the holidays this year without gunfire.  He threw in the other hints just to be helpful.  He considers the driving tips on ‘towing’ and ‘going’ are especially important.

DINING AT OTHER’S HOMES

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as your host may not have dogs.

3. Do not drink wine with a straw

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private.

 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. Of course, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry.  They also alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING   (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been a’wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years back.'

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is your responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a compliment ready such as, 'You sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'  

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five or six seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a suit. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE & HINTS

1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

3. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

GENERAL RULES

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're sure that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

_______________________________

Some random jokes:

*A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'

The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

* 'I went to this really crappy zoo the other day - there was only one dog in it; it was a shitzu.'

*'When Lisa’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '

*Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was not much - but the reception was brilliant

Old Retiring JOW #688

            Before I launch into my Jokes of the Week I have a small administrative note.  Sirius/XM satellite radio has a channel called Margaritaville featuring Jimmy Buffett/beach/soft rock selections.  Radio Margaritaville has a feature called Fruitcakes on the radio were a select group of their more intelligent, articulate, charming, good-looking, and modest listeners do a segment introducing some of their favorite Jimmy Buffett songs and what those songs mean to them.  I was selected for this prestigious role.  I recorded my intros to my four selections of his music last week.  They will be played on Radio Margaritaville at 2200 on Wednesday 27 November, Friday 29 November at 0800, Sunday 1 December at 1400, and finally Monday, 2 December at 2000.

Since Pat, a JOW recipient, announced his sort of retirement I thought I would have an old age/retirement JOW.  I myself have reached that age where everything’s starting to click for me. My knees, my elbows, my neck … And it’s downright scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

But as As Bob put it: 

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY, AND EVERY DAY!

(He had to yell because his hearing aid needs a new battery.)

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Speaking of old, cousin Bil offered this thought for the day:
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured outit would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

He also spotted a sign near San Jose International airport in Alajuela, Costa Rica
“Serving weary travelers since The Last Millennium: (1999)” 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble on my ear."

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Pat, an older man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Pat walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
His doctor pulled him aside and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Pat replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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The old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
 "I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
      The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt."

*************************

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

“I’d like a banana split with extras,” he wheezed.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

*A tip to prevent sagging as you age- Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Finally a tornado joke:

A family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. The husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn’t return for the longest time, so the wife went looking for him. She was upstairs calling his name, when she heard the answering machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house."

 

Veteran JOW #687

Today being Veteran’s Day I thought it appropriate for me to focus on veterans; those people who are prepared to fight our wars.  Of course ‘war has never solved anything’ - except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism.  We still need our armed forces because the world is just filled with assholes.  I have a couple of favorite quotes on the subject:

'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. – George Orwell

…………………………………………………………

First, some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

The families of veterans have sacrifices to make, too.

After an overnight flight to meet a soldier at his latest military assignment, the military spouse wearily arrived with six children – all under age 12. Collecting the many suitcases, they entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief.

“Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and all this luggage belong to you?”

“Yes, sir,” the mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”

The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”

“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.”

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Basic flying rules:

Gravity may not be fair, but it is the law.

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go 
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

====================

Some war truisms:

·         The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.

·         The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.

·         If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to get a nasty surprise.

·         No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".

·         If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.

·         Combat pay is a flawed concept.

·         Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.

·         Medals are nice but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

·         In fact the only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.

·         Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Why not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict, a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, got on the horn to legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

General Puller asked for another count.... and got a similar, anxious answer: "Many, many, MANY Chinese!"

" %* # ! dammit ! “swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio." 

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir! ! ?" 

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"General, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!" 

"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count."

____________________________

About the only enemy still shooting at us are the Taliban.  It is hard to tell one lying, treacherous, murderous Afghan from another.  But you might be a Taliban if:

·         You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

·         You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

·         You have more wives than teeth.

·         You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

·         You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

·         You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

·         You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

·         You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Here are some service-specific bits -

The U.S. Navy – We can shoot you dead from the fantail of a destroyer in a choppy sea; at night - on Easter Sunday.

Of course my personal mantra was: One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support

The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has to Be Destroyed Overnight
Death Smiles at Everyone - Marines Smile Back
Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

2. Have a plan.

3. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

4. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet while patrolling.

5. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

6. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

  

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly.

5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can get you killed.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.

5. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.

6. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

7. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.

8. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

9. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy Marines

Go Navy !  

And finally a Top Secret Story

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"