Watery JOW #1325

 I recently had the chance to go sailing with a friend.  They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a yacht where you can hide your tears in stylish comfort.   I remember a line I used to say back when I was doing a lot of sailing.   “It’s okay if you don’t like sailing.  It’s kind of a smart person sport anyway.”  But my time on the water got me thinking about boats, etc.  Here are some funny thoughts along that line.

 

How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

 

What is the difference between a wealthy person and someone who is really rich?

The haves and the have yachts.

  

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

I'm not really a big fan of boat puns

But frigate

 

I'm outfitting my boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

 

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

 

In olden times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.

 

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

 

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

Buck an ear

 

Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?

Its timbers were shivering.

 

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand store

 

A ship’s captain is a sails manager.

 

I hate it when I have to moor the boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

 

A girl I wanted to date said I had the face like the back of a boat.

I didn’t reply, but I gave her a stern look.

 

The dyslectic devil worshipping man just got a new motorboat.

He christened it Sail Hatin'

 

A student asks his sailing instructor, “What’s a bar?”

He replied, “In the water it’s a low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, usually composed of sand or mud.  Ashore it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.”

 

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: “Boat number 81, your two-hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.”

Boat rental intern to manager: ”Uh, sir, we only have 40 boats.”
Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: “Boat number 18, do you require assistance?”

 

A pair of a novice sailors’ best friend died and in his will he specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea.

So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood chest deep in water.

“We need to go out further,” he told the other. So, they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin.

“We need to go out further,” he said again.

About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering and said to the other: “That’s far enough; hand me the shovel.”

 

A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,” said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposit of $15,000, and payments of 41,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?

 

Finally an off-topic joke to end this madness.

A man crossed the border each morning on a donkey.
And each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reached the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors searched his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending money and boasting that he is a smuggler and that no one can catch him.
Every day, incensed at his bold claims, the tax collectors obsessively searched his bags of straw. They sifted the straw, cut it into pieces, ripped open the fabric of his bags, checked his hat, his beard and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding coins between the leather. And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous, even offering to pay for the tax collectors’ meals while continuing to hint at his wily smuggling. The tax collectors continue their futile inspections of the straw bags for years to no avail.
This continues until the smuggler moved away to another city and settled down to enjoy his wealth. Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired tax collectors meets his old foe and asks,
“Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a tax collector, and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?”
The smuggler replied, “Donkeys.”

 

Taxing JOW #1324

 Sorry I missed last week’s JOW.  I was having a fabulous trip sailing in the Georgia Sea Isles.  Here are the jokes I should have sent last week:

Ah, April 15^th, that day when all your taxes were due.  I don’t feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes.  I finished mine over a year ago.  So for all of you who are thinking about the IRS, here are a few light jokes for your amusement.

 

As a patriot, I have decided to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay import taxes.
That’ll be….my Civic duty.

 

I was surprised when the IRS wrote to me to say my tax return was “outstanding”.
Especially as I don’t recall sending one in.

 

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.
It’s hard to believe that 95% of us can’t do simple math

 

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me
This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

 

What is the difference between an electron and a proton for a tax collector?
They are charged differently.

 

Why do large eggs cost more than small eggs?
X size tax.

 

Don’t get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office!
The devil takes many forms.

 

Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS?
It was for back taxes.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well!

 

Why did the chocolate shop’s taxes get audited?
The owner had fudged the numbers.

 

How can you tell if you’ve found a good tax accountant?
If he has a loophole named after him.

 

So much tax evasion in America.
Almost like the country was founded on it or something.

 

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history.
They’ll be the first billionaire to pay taxes.

 

How do stoner couples file their taxes?
Jointly!

 

What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist takes only your skin.

 

Why is the IRS always tired?
Collecting money for the government is taxing.

 

I just got a great job offer to collect taxes for Hell.
I’ll be part for the Infernal Revenue Service.

 

What happens when the liquor store forgets to tax its sales?
It’s a sin-tax error.

 

Apparently, Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin.
His name is Tax E. Vader.

 

Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.

 

Can I claim my Indian Bread Company as a charity tax deduction?
It’s a Naan Profit Organization.

 

What kind of tax is placed on paper?
A tear-iff.

 

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly’s an old game?
It has a luxury tax, and rich people can actually go to jail.

 

If you go to jail for tax evasion aren’t you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

 

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years… but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

 

When marijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair.
It would be called Operation Pot Holes.

 

Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”

 

Who is the highest-ranking officer at tax time?
General Sales Tax.

 

Why don’t dogs pay taxes for their meals?
Because they’re all under the table.

 

What do you call someone who likes giving the government taxes?
A paytriot.

 

Has anyone realized “The IRS”.
Spells “theirs”?

 

Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”

 

A man wrote the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have understated my income and have enclosed a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

 

Did you hear about the guy who didn’t want to file his taxes?
I would’ve asked him more, but he didn’t want to get Intuit.

 

A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”

 

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people.
And squeezed it dry. He said, “If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I’ll give them 100 bucks.”
Many people tried, and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out three drops of lemon juice.

Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, “Who are you?”
The second man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

 

Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $100,0000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: you don't know your percentages.
Kid: you don't know my dad.

 

Two men are stranded on a deserted island.
One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of back taxes.”

And finally

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

 

 

 

Warlike JOW #1323

 We can make jokes about anything, even war.  The US has been bombing Iran and that is a serious thing.  But, as the bleach blonde said, ‘can you lighten it up a bit’.  So here are a few lighthearted jabs most at Iran, which is a ridiculous country anyway.  As most of you know, the nation of Iran lies between the ancient lands of Babylon to the west and the mountains of Afghanistan to the east.  So in other words, it’s between Iraq and a hard place.

 

I hear Iran has no Walmart stores

Just Targets.

 

What is the national bird of Iran?

A drone

 

How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran.

 

If Iran closes the Strait of Hormuz, would it then become the Gay of Hormuz?

 

What's the difference between a terrorist recruitment center and an Iranian general? I don't know, man, I'm just a pilot.

 

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor? Call out B... 52

 

What do you call it when you run into the same Iranian in different bathrooms?  Same Shiite different toilet.

 

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately, Iran was already taken

 

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran.

It’s called Prints of Persia

 

What always has the right of way on the battlefield?
Incoming fire.

 

The US is helping the Iranian navy by converting all their ships to submarines

 

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

 

And influencer posted about his recent trip to Iran

It was a blast!

 

Iran has announced a controversial move to close outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision.

 

The agent asks an Iranian: “Are you willing to work for Israel and the United States to overthrow the Khamenei theocratic regime?”

The Iranian replies: “I am willing!”

The agent says: “That’s awesome! A hundred thousand dollars!”

The Iranian looks troubled, hesitates for a moment, grits his teeth and says: “A hundred thousand it is! But I can’t come up with that much all at once—can I pay in installments?”

 

Three Britons are on holiday in Iran, smoking weed while sitting on a bench.
One is a goth girl, the second is a very progressive man with a rainbow t-shirt, and the 3rd is a businessman in a suit and tie.
A police officer comes over and instantly arrests the businessman, taking him into his car. He then starts to drive off.
“Why did you arrest me?” Asks the businessman.
“Well, weed is haram, and very much illegal here in the Islamic Republic of Iran,” said the officer
“What about the others? They were smoking it too!” Exclaims the man.
“That is true,” said the officer, “but over here we also don’t have any issue with women and gays getting stoned.”

 

Once upon a time in Iran a Mullah was walking the street and suddenly fell into a hole.
Some people walking around rushed to the top of the hole to help him
“Give us your hand!” they cried.
The Mullah stood still in the bottom of the hole while the people kept shouting to him.
After a few minutes they stopped and rushed to ask another Mullah who was walking by for advice.
“What did you tell him?” asked
“ Give us your hand!”
“Ah, I see, wrong sentence.  Instead try ‘Take our hand’.”

 

And for those of you who got my ‘Al Kaline’ joke last week, here is another acid joke going around. 

The Israelis are bombing Iranian bases because it turns out that if you need to neutralize a base, an Hasidic solution works just fine.

 

Enough on Iran.  Some other jokes

I just read about a set of newlyweds who had a nice, romantic two-day honeymoon… in the TSA line.

 

The TSA lines have been eliminated after they were taken over by Chick-fil-a.

 

Or maybe the lines disappeared after they eliminated the colonoscopies.

 

I went to a reverse psychologists’ convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

 

I’m a corrections officer at an old prison and all my coworkers think the place is haunted.  I have no idea what they're on about. I've been walking this beat here for the last 150 years and have never experienced a thing.

 

Two Eskimos were traveling in a kayak when a sudden blizzard blew in.
Trapped with no way to see which way was home, they started freezing to death.
One of them had a bright idea to light a fire in the bottom of the boat to keep warm.
Unfortunately, it burned a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

Finally:

 A man went to an ice sculpture showcase.  Hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was very quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.
He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But people just ignored him.
In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.
Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"
The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."

 

 

Opening Day JOW #1322

It was opening day for baseball last week.  Ah, opening day, when everyone has hope for the new season.  I myself am not looking forward to this season.  My team, the Astros, have been very good for the last eight years I have gotten spoiled.  But his year they are looking to be very average.  and I will not enjoy seeing lots of losses.  B2aseball is like life, some years up, some down.  Well, unless you are a Rockies or Athletics fan.  My jokes this week are mostly about baseball.

 

It has been said that hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.  And these days it costs about the same, too.

 

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

 

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the fifth

 

Why are baseball games at night?

Because bats are nocturnal

 

What have 18 legs, spits uncontrollably, and catches flies?

A baseball team

 

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

 

What do you get when you cross a tree with a Hall of Fame baseball player?

Babe Root

 

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

 

As a kid, all too often I played a strange position in baseball

Left Out

 

My grandson had his youth baseball game cancelled because of heavy rain.  He received a precipitation trophy

 

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And when I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

 

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

 

A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with five straight walks, so the manager took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, "That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"

 

A minor league baseball pitcher visited the opponent’s baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he went alone and saw a horse near the dugout that was wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team. Surprised, he laughed and approached the horse to pet it.
"Well what are you doing here?" The pitcher asks smiling while trying to touch the horse's mane.
Suddenly, the horse stands up on his hind legs and says to the pitcher, "Oh I'm just here making sure there's a good space for our coolers in the dugout."
The pitcher falls to the ground in confusion and horror. "*You can talk?!"
"Why yes I can!" The horse says, laughing.
"How on Earth can you talk?!"
"I'm a very unusual horse!" The horse replies. "I'm here to get familiar with the place before I play the big game tomorrow."
"You can play baseball? How?!"

"Oh, I just use my hooves to throw the ball," the horse says. "I'm the pitcher."
"No one ever said they had a horse on your team! How is this even possible?!"
The horse laughs, "I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. But I don't just pitch! I'm very good on first base as well!"
The pitcher starts to relax a little and becomes increasingly curious.
"You play first base?!" The pitcher asks.
"Yes," says the horse. "In fact, I only made it into the minor leagues because of how well I play first base. And I play second base even better!"
"Can you play third base?" The pitcher asks.
The horse, jutting his head backwards, looks at the pitcher like he's a complete idiot and says "That's crazy. Who the hell ever heard of a horse playing third base?"

 

And finally, the late George Carlin had a great riff on the differences between baseball & football.  He is an edited version of his monolog

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.  
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go outside to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end.  We might even have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! -

 

 

Farewell Chuck JOW #1321

Action film star Chuck Norris passed away last week at 86, active to the last.  He was, by all accounts, a genuinely kind and generous person.  Although he was in no way self-aggrandizing, Chuck became the subject of uber man style of jokes.  I am starting my JOW with some of these jokes as a homage to a life well lived before rounding out my jokes with a miscellany of ‘on the shelf’ jokes.

 

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

·         Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

·         Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

·         Chuck Norris told a joke about Will Smith’s wife; Will Smith slapped himself.

·         Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

·         Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

·         Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

·         If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

·         Chuck Norris was born in a hospital he built.  With his bare hands.

·         Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

.        When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris

·         If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

 

Some other jokes.

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

 

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

 

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.

 

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

 

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

 

When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy.

When your uterus is removed it’s called hysterectomy.

What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut

 

There has been a huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

 

On a related note, thieves broke into the police station and stole all the toilets.

The police spokesman said, ‘they have nothing to go on.’

 

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

 

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

It was just her kneecap.

 

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day when out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and swept him out to sea.
She dropped to her knees and pleaded, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you; my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
Suddenly a big wave washed the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looked up to heaven and said: "He had a hat!"

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What?  You're coming empty handed?"

 

And finally, some dark grandma humor.

While visiting the old folk’s 2home, little Charlie asks his grandmother,

"Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."
Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"
His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"
Charlie is visibly disgusted. "Grandma!"
Finally, Charlie has had enough, and bursts out, "But grandma! I'm blind!"
His grandma erupts into a fit of laughter. "Exactly!"

 

Arachnophobia JOW #1320

 I recently saw a headline on a satirical: Giant Spiders Invade NYC.  Experts are Concerned About a Surge in Arachnophobia.  All I saw was the headline but I could easily write the story: Giant Venomous Spiders have been seen in New York.  “They are huge,” a witness reported, “Six feet.  No, wait, those were bugs.  The spiders were eight feet.”  The spiders are alleged to be person eating, but that remains unconfirmed.  “There is nothing to fear,” said a spokes human from the mayor’s office.  “We must assume they are peaceful.  We have sent numerous emissaries, and the negotiations must still be ongoing, because none of them have returned.”  The spokesperson continued to warn people against arachnophobia.  Local activists were organizing pro-spider demonstrations.  “After all,” one protester commented, “spiders were here first.”  The spiders could not be reached for comment.”

So my jokes this week are about spiders.

 

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

 

Do you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

 

What kind of grill does a spider BBQ on?

A Weber.

 

Did you hear the spider who ate the fly? 

He was a real buzz kill.

 

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

 

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

 

What do you call an undercover tarantula?

A spy-der.

 

What do you call it when you have too many spiders in your house?

A no-fly zone.

 

A shark, a crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar.

Just another typical day in Australia

 

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

 

Why did the man return his new pair of spider silk trousers?

They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck.

 

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the size of the females.

 

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

 

What’s good for spider bites?” a person asked his doctor.

To which the doctor replied, “An irate spider.”

 

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Who’s there? 

A spider.

 

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

 

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

 

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiider

 

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy? 

::::D

 

Why are spiders good swimmers? 

They have webbed feet

 

Did you read the book about an onion that turns into a spider? 

It’s called Shallot’s Web

 

I recently killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

 

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.  He's a web designer

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

Gotta give credit to spiders.

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

 

What do you call a spider with lots of bugs in his big web?

A web designer with a huge net worth.

 

Husband: The female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating.

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop him from snoring

 

A male spider meets a female spider.

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."
Offended, she replies: "At least lets have sex first."

 

“What’s your biggest weakness?” asked the interviewer.

“Spiders,” replied the prospective employee.

“Professional ones?” continued the interviewer.

Said the prospective employee, “I don’t know; I’ve never seen one in a suit before.”

 

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider.  They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

 

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.
“How much do one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.
“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.
“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

 

And finally, once upon a time.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years, he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it becomes deaf.'

 

Artificially Intelligent JOW #1319

Artificial Intelligence is in the news a lot these days.  I thought I could use AI to help with my jokes of the week.  I told AI to write a joke —first, it wrote my resume. 

I then tried using an AI to generate a joke starting with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar." This is what I got:

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one guy, and he's forty.
"What will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

 

Here are a couple more examples of AI-generated humor:

Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck?
A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?
A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

 

Here are some human jokes about AI.

 

Customers look at Microsoft's Copilot and think, 'Oh great, Clippy 2.0’

 

AI doesn't have a soul, which makes it perfect for as a politician

 

Why do they use AI to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

 

AI doesn’t sleep… it just hibernates in the cloud.

 

AI doesn’t cry… it just experiences liquid cooling

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 

"I’m not worried about AI passing the Turing test. I’m worried about the humans who are currently failing it."

 

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to an AI bot?

It doesn't matter.  And unemployed hedge fund guy?  We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

 

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

 

AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

 

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers? 

Because it’s not designed to be useless

 

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them

 

Progressives are wondering when computers become sentient AI beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

 

The only thing AI can't replace is the human ability to be deeply, irrationally offended by something a robot said.

 

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

 

An engineer created the smartest AI in the world.
To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks "Where is my father?"
After a couple of seconds the computer answers "Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend"
The kid turns to his uncle and says
"Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died two years ago"
He then says "Well let's ask a more specific question then!"
The kid goes to the computer and asks again:
"Where is my mother's husband? "
The answer comes
"Your mother's husband is dead. But I already told you. Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend.

 

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.

 

A group of professors were invited for a flight on a new plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off all the professors

 were informed that the plane had been designed by their students. All but one of the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape.   The one professor remained calm. 

Someone asked him why he was not escaping the plane.
The professor answered him with confidence, "They are our students.
I'm confident the plane will never move, much less leave the ground."

 

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

 

I enjoy reading the Babylon Bee, a satirical webcast.  They have silly satires with headlines like, “Iran selects already deceased man as new leader to save time.”  Here is a bit lifted from them which seems appropriate.

 

According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.

The water bottle runs on the Android operating system and features a 3.5" screen that can inform drinkers when their bottle is open, has a password to protect the content of their liquids, and sends them text messages confirming how much water remains inside — but only if users log in to their Google account.  Without a valid login, the bottle will be completely unusable.

"This is the water bottle of the future," explained Smartbottle CEO Vishek Digglins. "You just have to set it up once, teach it to recognize your lips, and screw off the lid while saying 'OK Google, let's drink!' It couldn't be simpler."

The product has been mired in controversy ever since a pair of backpackers died of thirst after being unable to open the water bottle while they were out of cell range. A spokesperson for Smartbottle claims those bugs have been ironed out.

The SmartBottle retails for $139.99 and will require a $5/month subscription fee.