Weigh Funny JOW #1341

It is safe to say that many of us are at least a little overweight.  There is a lot of interest in a wide variety of plans and techniques to help us slim down.  Here are some jokes about that effort.

 

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said, "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

 

I unfriended an overweight friend on Snapchat.

My phone gained a gigabyte of storage back.

 

What do you call an overweight cross-dresser?

Trans fat.

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee.

He didn't work out

 

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

 

I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.

Smoking promotes weight loss…..eventually

 

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

 

Homeopathy weight loss tip:
Drink diluted water.

 

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

 

An overweight man listened with interest to a surgeon who promised that his operation would make him lose a lot of weight.

 The man, interested, said to the surgeon. “Please, enlighten me”

 

If you find a snakeskin, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger

Same thing if you find my clothes at Goodwill

 

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

 

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

 

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

 

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

 

My doctor told me I'm overweight,

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

 

I was in a hotel the other week and the phone next to my bed rang - they said “Hi, it’s reception - it’s 7am and you’re quite overweight for your age”.

I’ll tell you, it was a wake-up call.

 

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

 

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

 

New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!

 

A woman too fat so they sent her to a weight loss camp....

A man had ADHD, so they're sent him to a concentration camp

 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

 

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to snack if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

 

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

 

Newspaper ad:

Needed: identical twin sisters with large difference in weight, for advertising a weight loss program.

 

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

 

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

 

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

 

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"
"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

 

A doctor saw an obese woman to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively said, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replied, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

 

Around 40 years ago, I lost 160 pounds in one day.
Yea, I divorced her

 

An overweight time traveler goes to ancient Rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. To fix his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:
Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?
Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?

 

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

And finally

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

 

Hot Dog JOW #1340

Every year at about this time I do a set of jokes related to the Dog Days of Summer.  I know these brutally hot days are named after Sirius not canines, but it gives me a reason for jokes about Man’s Best Friend. 

 

“Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog it is too dark to read” -Groucho Marx

 

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears trousers, a dog pants.

 

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

 

I used a spot remover on my dog.....
He disappeared

 

My dog and I share a therapist – it’s called walking

 

Dogs have owners, cats have staff

 

How can you be sure that you have a slow dog?
It chases parked cars

Husband: It is raining cats and dogs now
Wife: That is ok, so long as it doesn't reindeer.

 

What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
Well, one of them wags his tail and the other tags his whales.

 

Why can't you tell Knock Knock jokes to a dog?

Me: Knock Knock

Dog: "bark, bark, bark"

 

List if 10 worst dog breeds

1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas

 

A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today.
Police are looking for leads.

 

I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

 

I told my shrink I identify as a dog

He made me get off the couch

 

What is a terrible name for a dog.

Yes. Yes it is.

 

My Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog food now costing $2.99....

That's almost $21 in Dog money.

 

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

 

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

 

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....

 

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

 

What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy

 

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

 

And a few darker dog jokes:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it. It can’t come.

 

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

 

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

 

Where do you find a dog with out legs?

Right where you left him.

 

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

 

Where do you find a dog without legs?

Right where you left him.

 

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

 

I'll never forget my dog's last words to me.

"You've taken too much acid."

 

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup, and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examinations with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.
"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making their food. I had a big pot on the stove simmering and my husband came home and got big a ladle full and ate it. I told him it was for the dogs, but he said it was delicious and insisted that is what he wanted for dinner that night. Well, I make the dogs food every week and every time I make a new batch my husband eats it for dinner. I'm concerned about him eating the dog’s food."
The doctor proceeded to ask her what was in the dog's food and how it was prepared. After she describes in detail the ingredients and the preparation the doctor finally says "I don't think there is anything that can hurt him. I wouldn't encourage him to eat it but it sounds safe enough to eat.
A year goes by and the woman goes back to the doctor for her annual checkup. As was standard procedure the doctor sits down with the woman and discusses the test results. As he is going through her file he sees a note from the previous year regarding her husband's propensity to eat the dog food made by her. He asks her " So is your husband still eating the dog food you prepare?"
"Oh, no doctor, my husband died"
Oh, my lord I'm so sorry. It wasn't because of the dog food was it?
Well, not directly, no.
Not directly? What happened?
"Well", the lady said in a very sad and grief-stricken voice, " he got hit by a car when he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls."

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors’ male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."
"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose all interest in sex."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.

Sick, sick JOW #1339

The word ‘sick’ has taken on a new meaning lately.  Instead of meaning unwell or twisted it can now mean really cool and awesome…. You know, like me.  Since medicine has been on my mind this week I have some really 'sick] new jokes.  I hope they bring you some amusement.

 

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns…

I knew the end was in sight.

 

At the hospital where I checked in I noticed that apple pies cost $2, pumpkin pies $3 and blueberry pies $4.

Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

 

That’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello?

One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.

 

Hospital food: where flavor goes to take a nap.

 

The best hospital meal is the one you sneak in yourself.

 

Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU.

 

A man’s young son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.

When the dad asked how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”

 

Son: Mom, I’m in hospital but don’t worry everything is fine.

Mom: You’re a doctor now and this wasn’t funny the first time.

 

My pregnant wife called me at work and said, “Honey, I’m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

I got there as soon as I could and called her back, “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”

 

What’s the most common type of surgery performed at the Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

In college I dated an X-ray tech who I met after a short hospital stay.

To this day, I wonder what she saw in me.

 

The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

 

The police called to tell a man that his wife was in the hospital.

“How is she?” he asked.

“Very critical,” replied the officer.

“What’s she complaining about now?”

 

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

Another hour goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

Another hour passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”

His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

 

A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, “I have an appointment at 1:30.”

She replies, “Which doctor?”

The man says, “No thanks, just a regular doctor please.”

 

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?

The hip replacement guy.

 

Because of a clerical error at the hospital, they named both of our twin boys William.

They Billed us twice.

 

A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve amputated your arms.”

 

“Push harder,” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

“Screw you,” she yelled back at me.

A bit harsh I thought; it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.

 

My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital.

“Two EMTs?” I asked her. “Don’t you mean a pair o’ medics?”

 

I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink.

I’m currently at the hospital waiting to be seen.

 

A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen. No one tells me shit.”

And finally

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"
The doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the mental health ward?"
"Och no!" replies the orderly.
"...it's the Burns Unit!"

 

Operational JOW #1338

 As I have increased in age I find nomenclature is important.  For example, what is the difference between Seniors and the Elderly.  Seniors talk about their aches and pains.  The Elderly talk about their operations and procedures.  Even though I am a designated Operations Subspecialist, and have degrees and experience in operations, I don’t like to talk about them.  I will make jokes about them, however.

 

Worst surgery I have ever had?

Easy. My circumcision. I couldn’t walk for a year.

 

Going into surgery I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??
He said, if all goes well, about three days... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

 

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo

Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow

 

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

 

I was really doubtful that the scoliosis surgery would work.

But now I stand corrected

 

What’s the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

 

What's the worst place for a classical singer to get surgery?

The opera-hating room!

 

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

 

I had to pay hundreds of dollars for a stool sample test before I had my surgery.

That shit was expensive.

 

There is a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

 

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

 

A British man lost 100 pounds after an experimental surgery

He was mugged on the way home

 

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

 

A pirate (let’s call him Mike) walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."
The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."
"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

 

After an Eye Surgery

Doctor: The Surgery was a complete Success
The Patient: I see.

 

Doctor: We need to replace your eye.  Normally we replace it with a glass ball, but for you we have one made out of cedar. Would you like that instead?
Patient: Wood eye? wood eye? Of course!

 

Doctor – Your X-rays were negative.

Blonde – But I never dated anybody named Ray.

Doctor – I think we need a full brain scan.

 

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

 

A man was having increasing problems with his vision and went to the eye doctor.  After a thorough examination the doctor took him by the elbow and guided the man in his office to discuss his eye condition.

The doctor asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, “Well, you're about to get a new special dog."

 

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

 

A woman has sued her hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"
The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess that made me look ugly and cheap."
"I think," says the surgeon gently, "this means your cataract operation was a success."

 

A man went to the doctor about knee pain. They X-rayed him and the doctor basically said, “You have bad knees. You’ll need a knee replacement in your 50s or 60s”

The man asked if there was anything he could do to avoid it,

 “You could try dying young.”
And in the end….

We had one woman come to the doctor complaining about constipation. Going into her chart the doctor saw that she had been previously given some suppositories to take, and in the triage note she said her meds weren't working.
So the doc is asked her questions, making sure nothing else is wrong.   Finally, they get to the part about the meds.

She said "Well yeah, the pills I got last time were huge! I have to break them in half to swallow them!"

Cold, Cold JOW #1337

I just got back from a trip to Iceland.  That got me thinking about a cooler climate. If you wonder what the weather in Iceland is like, there was constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

Okay, actually the weather my trip was fine.  Somehow my jokes a cooler climate morphed into the battle between the sexes.  Enjoy

 

How did the hipster drown? 

He ice-skated before it was cool.

 

What does a cyclist ride in the winter 

An icicle.

 

I got hit in the face with a snowball, knocking me out cold.

 

Wanna hear an icebreaker?

Fat penguin

 

If you have ever been a cold drink on a hot day you may be entitled to condensation

 

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat is a warm toilet seat

 

What's a horrible icebreaker?

The Titanic

 

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be just water.

 

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.

 

Which got me into the topic of Men vs Women

Women want a lot of things from one Man.

Conversely, Men want one thing from a lot of Women.

 

When a man is quiet he is thinking

When a woman is quiet she is angry

 

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

 

A woman said to her boyfriend the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" 

He laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

 

Two academicians were talking.

"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" 

"There is a Men's Studies major, it’s called history"

 

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes? 

They're called "The Ex-Men".

 

Wearing a seat belt Men: /
Women: %

 

What do women call men under 6 feet tall? 

They don't call them at all.

 

It’s funny how men and women both want to make their chest look bigger and that they're both just one similar search away from doing so.

Men look for pull up bars and women search for push up bras.

 

Women are the foundation of our society, but men are the ones who laid the foundation,

 

What's the difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women? 

Men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

 

No man has ever won a game of "Notice anything different about me?"

 

So many double standards between men and women nowadays.  When a women has sex with a lot of men, she get called a slut.  When a man does it he gets called gay

 

What do you call an Irishman who likes men and women? 

Birish.

 

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a very pretty senior girl for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

And finally, a shaggy dog, or bee rather, joke.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.
He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.
Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.
Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee.

"I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"
Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by today!"
"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.
"Yes sir, but-"
“And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.
"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-"
“Then tell me” He shouted, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"
"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"
"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realizes his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"
His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly flips over and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.

 

Ill Eagle JOW #1336

I like to have a theme for my weekly jokes.  One easy source of humor is the legal profession.  It is easy to hate lawyers.  We all remember jokes like, ‘What do lawyers use for birth control?  Their personalities.  Perhaps I shouldn’t pick on lawyers, my daughter is one.  Remember, 98% of lawyers give all the others a bad name. 

On a personal note, there will be no JOW next week.  I will be in Iceland.  East Texas is just too hot this time of year.

 

How many lawyer jokes are there? 

Only three. The rest are true stories.

 

A lawyer walks into a bar after a long day in court

The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
The lawyer says, “Just ice”

 

My partner told me I’m a horrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.

 

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

 

Why did the lawyer’s light bulb go to therapy?

It felt like it was constantly being screwed 

 

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say, “Fees!”

 

A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.

 

Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.

 

Clowns are most commonly jailed for manslaughter.

 

When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.

 

Is a priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law?

 

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

 

A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue!

 

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

 

Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road? He had an easement.

 

Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought? Unfamiliar territory.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

 

A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, “I think someone is framing me!”.

 

My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.

 

A new young, unmarried lawyer named Alice Demeanour joined the law firm.  Everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demeanour.

 

Who’s the most honest person at a lawyer convention? The caterer.

 

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? 

Say “Fees!”

 

Why don’t lawyers like to fish? 

The fish don’t fall for their lines.

 

What did the lawyer wear to court? 

His law-suit.

 

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

 

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

 

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and snakes were slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

 

A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.

“Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.

 

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

 

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Yes, we do,” said the bartender.

“Great,” said the man.

“Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my gator.”

 

Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”

The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

And finally,

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 .

Under Construction JOW #1335

 My jokes this week are about remodeling and renovation.  It has nothing to do with the fact that, now we have redone every room in our house, we are not redoing the outside.  Here are a few thoughts and jokes about such construction.

 

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

 

You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.

He's counter intuitive

 

We’re remodeling our home’s exterior, and my wife wants to know who I’m hiring to do the job.

She really wants to know who I’m siding with,

 

A couple was having an argument about leaving some roof trusses exposed when they remodeled their house.

They had some real truss issues.

 

What do you call a model who undergoes plastic surgery?

A remodel.

 

Painter: The walls need another coat of paint...

Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket

 

I was doing some home renovations and I was knocking down a wall, only to find a secret unfurnished room behind it...then I remembered we live in a duplex.

 

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

After the modernization, the famous clock will be beat five times a day, calling the faithful to prayer

 

An elephant walks into a bar

The bar goes into renovation

 

A man was on a ladder putting up molding.  His son was very eager to hurry up the process. 

Son: Do you need me to hold anything?

Dad: Yeah, your horses

 

If you pay for your kitchen remodel with fake bills...

You’re counterfeiting the counter fitter.

 

A man was remodeling his house, and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits.

His lovely wife grabbed a shop vac hose and began vacuuming everything up.  He was impressed and told her she was pretty good caulk-sucker.

 

My wife and I recently completed a remodel of our kitchen. The other night we decided to move all the spirits and mixers and into the new cabinets. The last thing we moved was all our booze. I picked up two bottles and turned around. My wife had FIVE bottles at once!
She really can hold her liquor…

Two guys, Mike and John, worked for a remodeling company.

One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows:

Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today?

John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered.

My wife wants me to remodel our staircase.

I told her I'd need a step-by-step guide.

 

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.
The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a gaping hole in the granite countertop!"
Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in the hallway outside of the kitchen, to leave.
"Get out now!" the man shouted.
Trying to allay his anger, the contractor asked for the homeowner to calm down and let his assistant into the kitchen with the part he needed.
"No!" the man replied angrily. "I'm going to sue you!"
"You're not letting us finish the work. We're almost done, we just need to install the sink, and you are preventing that." said the contractor.  "If we cooperate, we can have this house finished and avoid a costly legal battle where we'd both end up worse off.  Now just let that sink in."

 

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked where they had come from.
The first friend answered that she found a genie who granted her wish by giving her a pair of huge bits, and she told her friend know how to contact the genie.
When the two friends met again for brunch the second week, the second friend was completely covered with a painful looking rash. She explained that she had wished to be completely covered in cash and ended up with a rash instead.
"Oops", the friend responded. "I forgot to warn you that the genie is a little hard of hearing.  Seriously, did you really think I would wish for a big pair of bits?"

 

And finally

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.  The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife.  So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."