Opening Day JOW #1322

It was opening day for baseball last week.  Ah, opening day, when everyone has hope for the new season.  I myself am not looking forward to this season.  My team, the Astros, have been very good for the last eight years I have gotten spoiled.  But his year they are looking to be very average.  and I will not enjoy seeing lots of losses.  B2aseball is like life, some years up, some down.  Well, unless you are a Rockies or Athletics fan.  My jokes this week are mostly about baseball.

 

It has been said that hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.  And these days it costs about the same, too.

 

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

 

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the fifth

 

Why are baseball games at night?

Because bats are nocturnal

 

What have 18 legs, spits uncontrollably, and catches flies?

A baseball team

 

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

 

What do you get when you cross a tree with a Hall of Fame baseball player?

Babe Root

 

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

 

As a kid, all too often I played a strange position in baseball

Left Out

 

My grandson had his youth baseball game cancelled because of heavy rain.  He received a precipitation trophy

 

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And when I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

 

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

 

A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with five straight walks, so the manager took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, "That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"

 

A minor league baseball pitcher visited the opponent’s baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he went alone and saw a horse near the dugout that was wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team. Surprised, he laughed and approached the horse to pet it.
"Well what are you doing here?" The pitcher asks smiling while trying to touch the horse's mane.
Suddenly, the horse stands up on his hind legs and says to the pitcher, "Oh I'm just here making sure there's a good space for our coolers in the dugout."
The pitcher falls to the ground in confusion and horror. "*You can talk?!"
"Why yes I can!" The horse says, laughing.
"How on Earth can you talk?!"
"I'm a very unusual horse!" The horse replies. "I'm here to get familiar with the place before I play the big game tomorrow."
"You can play baseball? How?!"

"Oh, I just use my hooves to throw the ball," the horse says. "I'm the pitcher."
"No one ever said they had a horse on your team! How is this even possible?!"
The horse laughs, "I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. But I don't just pitch! I'm very good on first base as well!"
The pitcher starts to relax a little and becomes increasingly curious.
"You play first base?!" The pitcher asks.
"Yes," says the horse. "In fact, I only made it into the minor leagues because of how well I play first base. And I play second base even better!"
"Can you play third base?" The pitcher asks.
The horse, jutting his head backwards, looks at the pitcher like he's a complete idiot and says "That's crazy. Who the hell ever heard of a horse playing third base?"

 

And finally, the late George Carlin had a great riff on the differences between baseball & football.  He is an edited version of his monolog

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.  
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go outside to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end.  We might even have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! -

 

 

Farewell Chuck JOW #1321

Action film star Chuck Norris passed away last week at 86, active to the last.  He was, by all accounts, a genuinely kind and generous person.  Although he was in no way self-aggrandizing, Chuck became the subject of uber man style of jokes.  I am starting my JOW with some of these jokes as a homage to a life well lived before rounding out my jokes with a miscellany of ‘on the shelf’ jokes.

 

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

·         Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

·         Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

·         Chuck Norris told a joke about Will Smith’s wife; Will Smith slapped himself.

·         Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

·         Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

·         Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

·         If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

·         Chuck Norris was born in a hospital he built.  With his bare hands.

·         Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

.        When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris

·         If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

 

Some other jokes.

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

 

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

 

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.

 

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

 

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

 

When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy.

When your uterus is removed it’s called hysterectomy.

What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut

 

There has been a huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

 

On a related note, thieves broke into the police station and stole all the toilets.

The police spokesman said, ‘they have nothing to go on.’

 

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

 

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

It was just her kneecap.

 

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day when out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and swept him out to sea.
She dropped to her knees and pleaded, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you; my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
Suddenly a big wave washed the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looked up to heaven and said: "He had a hat!"

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What?  You're coming empty handed?"

 

And finally, some dark grandma humor.

While visiting the old folk’s 2home, little Charlie asks his grandmother,

"Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."
Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"
His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"
Charlie is visibly disgusted. "Grandma!"
Finally, Charlie has had enough, and bursts out, "But grandma! I'm blind!"
His grandma erupts into a fit of laughter. "Exactly!"

 

Arachnophobia JOW #1320

 I recently saw a headline on a satirical: Giant Spiders Invade NYC.  Experts are Concerned About a Surge in Arachnophobia.  All I saw was the headline but I could easily write the story: Giant Venomous Spiders have been seen in New York.  “They are huge,” a witness reported, “Six feet.  No, wait, those were bugs.  The spiders were eight feet.”  The spiders are alleged to be person eating, but that remains unconfirmed.  “There is nothing to fear,” said a spokes human from the mayor’s office.  “We must assume they are peaceful.  We have sent numerous emissaries, and the negotiations must still be ongoing, because none of them have returned.”  The spokesperson continued to warn people against arachnophobia.  Local activists were organizing pro-spider demonstrations.  “After all,” one protester commented, “spiders were here first.”  The spiders could not be reached for comment.”

So my jokes this week are about spiders.

 

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

 

Do you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

 

What kind of grill does a spider BBQ on?

A Weber.

 

Did you hear the spider who ate the fly? 

He was a real buzz kill.

 

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

 

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

 

What do you call an undercover tarantula?

A spy-der.

 

What do you call it when you have too many spiders in your house?

A no-fly zone.

 

A shark, a crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar.

Just another typical day in Australia

 

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

 

Why did the man return his new pair of spider silk trousers?

They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck.

 

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the size of the females.

 

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

 

What’s good for spider bites?” a person asked his doctor.

To which the doctor replied, “An irate spider.”

 

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Who’s there? 

A spider.

 

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

 

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

 

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiider

 

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy? 

::::D

 

Why are spiders good swimmers? 

They have webbed feet

 

Did you read the book about an onion that turns into a spider? 

It’s called Shallot’s Web

 

I recently killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

 

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.  He's a web designer

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

Gotta give credit to spiders.

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

 

What do you call a spider with lots of bugs in his big web?

A web designer with a huge net worth.

 

Husband: The female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating.

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop him from snoring

 

A male spider meets a female spider.

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."
Offended, she replies: "At least lets have sex first."

 

“What’s your biggest weakness?” asked the interviewer.

“Spiders,” replied the prospective employee.

“Professional ones?” continued the interviewer.

Said the prospective employee, “I don’t know; I’ve never seen one in a suit before.”

 

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider.  They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

 

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.
“How much do one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.
“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.
“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

 

And finally, once upon a time.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years, he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it becomes deaf.'

 

Artificially Intelligent JOW #1319

Artificial Intelligence is in the news a lot these days.  I thought I could use AI to help with my jokes of the week.  I told AI to write a joke —first, it wrote my resume. 

I then tried using an AI to generate a joke starting with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar." This is what I got:

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one guy, and he's forty.
"What will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

 

Here are a couple more examples of AI-generated humor:

Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck?
A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?
A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

 

Here are some human jokes about AI.

 

Customers look at Microsoft's Copilot and think, 'Oh great, Clippy 2.0’

 

AI doesn't have a soul, which makes it perfect for as a politician

 

Why do they use AI to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

 

AI doesn’t sleep… it just hibernates in the cloud.

 

AI doesn’t cry… it just experiences liquid cooling

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 

"I’m not worried about AI passing the Turing test. I’m worried about the humans who are currently failing it."

 

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to an AI bot?

It doesn't matter.  And unemployed hedge fund guy?  We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

 

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

 

AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

 

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers? 

Because it’s not designed to be useless

 

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them

 

Progressives are wondering when computers become sentient AI beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

 

The only thing AI can't replace is the human ability to be deeply, irrationally offended by something a robot said.

 

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

 

An engineer created the smartest AI in the world.
To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks "Where is my father?"
After a couple of seconds the computer answers "Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend"
The kid turns to his uncle and says
"Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died two years ago"
He then says "Well let's ask a more specific question then!"
The kid goes to the computer and asks again:
"Where is my mother's husband? "
The answer comes
"Your mother's husband is dead. But I already told you. Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend.

 

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.

 

A group of professors were invited for a flight on a new plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off all the professors

 were informed that the plane had been designed by their students. All but one of the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape.   The one professor remained calm. 

Someone asked him why he was not escaping the plane.
The professor answered him with confidence, "They are our students.
I'm confident the plane will never move, much less leave the ground."

 

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

 

I enjoy reading the Babylon Bee, a satirical webcast.  They have silly satires with headlines like, “Iran selects already deceased man as new leader to save time.”  Here is a bit lifted from them which seems appropriate.

 

According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.

The water bottle runs on the Android operating system and features a 3.5" screen that can inform drinkers when their bottle is open, has a password to protect the content of their liquids, and sends them text messages confirming how much water remains inside — but only if users log in to their Google account.  Without a valid login, the bottle will be completely unusable.

"This is the water bottle of the future," explained Smartbottle CEO Vishek Digglins. "You just have to set it up once, teach it to recognize your lips, and screw off the lid while saying 'OK Google, let's drink!' It couldn't be simpler."

The product has been mired in controversy ever since a pair of backpackers died of thirst after being unable to open the water bottle while they were out of cell range. A spokesperson for Smartbottle claims those bugs have been ironed out.

The SmartBottle retails for $139.99 and will require a $5/month subscription fee.

 

 

Planning for a JOW #1318

We are currently conducting air strikes against Iran.  Such strikes take a LOT of planning.  I should know.  The last half of my naval career I was in plans and operations, and I have done my full share of military planning.  It is a complicated job.  There are a huge number of moving parts and many complexities.  I am astonished at how well everything came off.  Any kind of planning, including day-to-day stuff, can be problematic.  There is an old saying:  Men plan and God laughs.  So, I am planning to do some jokes about planning.

 

Why don’t budgets have a Plan B?

Because Plan A is already over budget.

 

What do you call a person who can’t stop planning their wedding? 

An “aisle-aholic”

 

What do you call a planner who can predict the weather? 

A “forecasticator”

 

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

 

Why were the Star Wars movies released in the following sequence: 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8?

In charge of planning Yoda was

 

What did the doves who were planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

 

Being on a strategic planning team is like work, but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything.

 

I've decided to start planning ahead

So far I'm thinking about two ears, maybe a nose and a couple of eyes.

 

I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

 

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

 

The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an airplane. They are now filming the pilot.

 

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one. It's going to be a game changer.

I lost money investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

 

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

 

Conversation between two men at the bar:
"We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

 

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of Issiah smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

 

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof. The steaks have never been higher.

 

John: “Congratulations man, I heard you just had a child. Hope you're planning for the future man, times are tough.”
Jack: “Thanks bud, I already opened a savings account for her future.”
John: “Cool man, college costs are crazy right now and they are only going to rise, glad to see you're planning ahead.”
Jack: “College!, lord no, I haven't even considered that yet.”
John: “Then what's the savings account for?”
Jack: “Well you've met my wife right? My daughter is going to need a ton of therapy and that’s pretty expensive.”

 

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.
Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do: a couple bananas peel off, and the rest of the bananas split.

 

Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer, “It is whiskey”?

Elmer replies, “Yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”

 

A couple of  random Elon Musk jokes

Elon Musk has bought Twitter and he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

 

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

 

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent.

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me!”

 

An employment agency was hired to do placement new company.

Agency: "Sir, we found a number of candidates as per your requirements. How do you want them placements?"

Hiring Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and after a while see what they have done:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

If they start to build something with the bricks, put them in Engineering. .

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they just sit there, put them in Human Resources.

If they tell you they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

Booking It JOW #1317

My latest book, Jac and the Princess, is in to the publishers for final editing.  I hope to have it out by June.  I have always been a bit scripturient.  Even as a kid I wanted to write books, but without modern tools such as Word and spell checker I struggled to get my stories in print.  Here are some jokes, especially for my fellow bibliophiles.  

 

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

 

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It's about time.

 

How Does a Book About Tree Lovers Start?

With a Pro-Log.

 

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
Because it was overbooked

 

Why are libraries the tallest buildings?
Because they have so many stories

 

I was reading a book when my wife asked, "Why is that book so thick?"

Then I told her “It’s a long story"

 

What do you call a book that’s about anti-gravity?
An uplifting read

 

How do books stay warm in the winter?
They put on their covers

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

 

I’m writing a new book.  It’s called “How to be concise and get straight the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations”

 

Or as my old dad used to say to me, ‘never use a big word when a diminutive will suffice.’

 

Some thoughts on writing a book:

 

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

 

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs

It’s a step-by-step guide

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, It’s really hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't read it.

 

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

 

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the number of men in our armed forces.
So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

 

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

 

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography.

 

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

 

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Hemmingway

'Of course,' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'
'Earnest, of course' replies the man.

 

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

 

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another identical copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally, a different type of joke

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and paper, so he continued to hone his craft even in death.
The calligrapher would rotate his time between practicing his calligraphy and exploring what more Heaven had to offer. At some point, however, he noticed something: no matter where he went, no matter what activity he engaged in, he saw no angels fluttering about. It was strange, he thought, that everything else he was told about Heaven ended up being true, but angels were such a strong point of emphasis in the scripture! He asked around, and no other resident had seen any angels either.
He continued about his days as normal, but he couldn't help but be bothered by this small detail. How could every other aspect of Heaven be real, but not the entities that were supposed to chaperone it? As he pondered, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" he asked,
"It is I, God!" said He on the other side.
The calligrapher hurriedly opened the door. "Oh my... You! I'm so sorry! I didn't know."
"It is all right, my son," God said. "I am only here to check on you. I like to meet with all of our new residents after they've settled in!"
"It's An honor, truly!" said the calligrapher. "I'm a huge fan of Your work."
God gave a hearty laugh. "And I, yours! I'm always impressed by the craftsmanship of all My children. You know, they say that when an artist gets entrenched in their craft, it is as though they are experiencing a slice of Heaven in that moment."
The man thought for a second. "You know, I'd be inclined to agree!"
"Doesn't Heaven remind you of the most beautiful scripts you can imagine?"
The man hesitated to respond. "I'm not sure about that..."
God looked surprised. "What is wrong, my child?" He asked.
The calligrapher sighed. "Well, Heaven is great and all, but it's sans seraph."

  

Sleepy JOW #1316

 We have entered that period of the sports world between the end of the Super Bowl and Opening Day when most men hibernate.  Yeah, there are basketball and hockey games, but not ones that count.  So many of us just sleep through this time.  That got me to thinking about the entire concept of hibernation.  A she-bear sleeps through the bad winter weather, loses twenty percent of her body weight, and gives birth while asleep.  Give that some thought, ladies. 

Here are a few jokes on sleeping and such.

 

It is time to train for my favorite winter sport.

Extreme Hibernation....

 

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.
“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It smells great!”
Mama mole, right behind Papa, sniffs and says, “Oh wow, the syrups smell delicious!”
Baby mole, in the hole behind both Papa and Mama says “Yuck! All I can smell are molasses from back here!”

Here are some jokes on snoozing.

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

Why did the Grizzly bear get a D- in his hibernation class?

Because he did the bear minimum

 

Why do astronauts prefer to sleep alone?

They need their space

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

I couldn't sleep last night because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

 

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roam’n Catholic.

 

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts

 

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

 

One of my friends asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try but my goldfish died.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me that are simply not true.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when your kid cries in the middle of the night

 

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

 

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had nowhere else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

 

A farmer turned to his little girl and told her, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime!”

 

kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

dad: "Why not?"
kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
dad: [looks under bed] "Yes, yes I do!"
kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

A few nights ago, I was preparing to go to sleep. As I got into bed I heard a loud crashing noise, so I got up panicked and opened my door but a voice downstairs said “Don’t worry the cat just knocked over another vase”
So I calmed down and go to bed and then I thought to myself “I live alone and  I don’t own a cat”

 

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realize it was a ‘poor tent of doom’.

And finally, this is a classic bit of Jewish humor that I have been saving.

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? "

To which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replies cautiously.

"Yes....?"
Sarah says "Well, he cannot pay you. Goodnight." And she closes the window.
Turning to her husband she says, "There. Now you let Ishmael worry about it.".