Political JOW #1347

 There is an election coming up soon.  I know because the commercials on TV are now exclusively for politicians.  None of the ads for politicians say what they want to do if elected; just the horrible things their opponent will do if he gets in.  They each claim the other is a terrible crook who will ruin our state/country.   I believe both of them.  I miss the ads for drugs to counteract the side effects for other drugs for some obscure medical condition.  And how am I to know which hemorrhoid cream I am supposed to use?   And speaking of hemorrhoids, here are some jokes about politicians. 

 

What do you call a politician who is caught lying?

A politician.

 

What does a politician do when he dies?

He lies still.

 

What do you call an honest politician? A myth.

 

A left-learning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks:
Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

 

What's the definition of a politician?

A person whose skin is so thick they can stand upright even without a spine

 

What's the difference between a politician and a crook?

No, seriously, I can't tell.

 

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

 

Some politician light bulb jokes

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it will take 10 others to American politician prove the funding.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb

Three. One to screw it in.

One to screw it up. One to screw an intern.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they’re too busy trying to screw the country.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they’re too busy trying to screw the country.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just form a committee to discuss it.

~~~~~

A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, “Remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."
The bailiff asks him "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
The politician pauses for a moment and says "Uh, I plead the fifth.”

 

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".

 

To those upset about comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.

 

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have all sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

 

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A six-bedroom house with a Mercedes Benz at the front and a nice, big garden.
The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.
The American politician said: "see that highway over there? It was funded for four lanes instead of three."
A few months later the Mexican politician invited the American over to his house down in Mexico. When the American arrived he saw the Mexican had a ten bedroom mansion a lush orchard and a massive garden with bodyguards and a Mercedes, a Porche and a few SUV's at the front.
Awe struck the American asked "how could you afford all of this?"
To which the Mexican replied: "see that bridge there?"
Confused the American said: "what bridge?"
"Exactly" the Mexican said

And finally…

A politician died and ended up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked at him and found his name in his book.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"
"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you spend a day each in heaven and hell and then you will be free to choose where you want to spend the rest of eternity."
"Why can't I choose now? Why do I have to spend a day in hell?"
"Well, that is the policy."
First, the politician spends a day in heaven. He sees angels singing and people playing harps. He finds heaven very boring for him.
Next, he spends a day in hell.
Upon arriving there he expects to see barren wastelands with rivers of lava but instead sees lush greenery and a large five-star hotel in front of him. At the hotel entrance, he sees Satan wearing a tuxedo and sipping on a martini.
"This isn't what I expected hell to be."
"Oh, hell has been completely misrepresented. We have a luxury five-star hotel with seven-course meals prepared by the best chefs. And we have all the sporting facilities you could imagine with a very large pool. All this is for free."
So the politician spends the entire day playing golf and eating his meals by the poolside. At the end of the day, he sleeps in the most luxurious bed he could imagine in a very large suite. The next morning, when he wakes up, he is back at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"So what will it be?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I prefer hell."
So, the politician is transported back to hell, where he sees a barren wasteland illuminated only by the glow of rivers of lava and hears the screams of people being tortured. The air is full of the stench of sulfur.  Once again he sees Satan in his tux.
"What happened to the hotel, the golf course, the pool and all the greenery I saw yesterday?"
"Well, yesterday we were campaigning, today you have voted."

 

Sporting JOW #1346

It is that magical time of year when all four major sports are playing at the same time.  You can see every kind of sport on TV with the exception of whatever particular game you want to see.  Here are some jokes about as many sports as I could come up with.

 

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

 

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill - Fast.

 

Reverse origami is my favorite sport.

I love watching the action unfold.

 

What’s harder to catch the faster you run?

Your breath.

 

What’s the difference between the Washington Commanders and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

 

What happened to the joke that Carson Wentz told his receivers?
It went over their heads.

 

Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from?

The tooth fairy.

 

I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.

 

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately, my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

 

What’s the difference between hockey and wrestling?

In hockey, the fights are real.

 

How are hockey players paid?
With checks.

 

My neighbor told me his dog retrieved a pickleball two miles from the nearest courts.

 

Sounds far-fetched. I had to use my glasses while playing pickleball.
It’s a no-contacts sport.

 

I’m okay with my pickleball doubles partner poaching my shots, but we were in a bar

 

Which sport does the grim Reaper play?

Sickle Ball

 

What's a philosopher’s favorite sport?

Discuss

 

What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get squashed on the road!

 

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

 

Have you guys tried the new sport of blindfold archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

 

What sport is played by angry French people?

Lacrosse

 

Paintball is a very violent sport

It involves a lot of dyeing

 

Why are tennis players bad at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them

 

What is Sean Connery's favorite sport, and what time does he like to play?

Tennish.

 

Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?

They watch cricket, instead.

 

What does a Bulls fan do after watching his team win?
Rewind the tape.

 

What’s the difference between time and a ball hog?
Time passes.

 

Did you hear the Atlanta Hawks don’t have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.

 

Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?

They get penalized for travelling.

 

Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

 

What sport does the Kool-Aid man play?

Baseball. He's a pitcher.

 

Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

 

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they’re playing knight games.

 

Did you hear? Detroit is building a new stadium at an undisclosed location.

They’re keeping it a secret because they’re afraid the Tigers might find out and try to play there.

 

Where do you keep your baseball mitt while driving?

In the glove compartment.

 

An apartment building caught fire.  A woman screamed out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells.

“I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

I love the fall. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the World Series.

Just like the Mets.

 

What do you get when you cross a running back and the Invisible Man?

Scoring like no one has ever seen.

 

What is a boxer’s favorite part of a joke?

The punchline!

 

What’s the hardest part about skydiving?

The ground

 

I'm outfitting my large boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

 

Drag racing is an amazing favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

 

Why did the basketball player go to jail?

Because he shot the ball.

 

At age 20 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf
The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get.

 

Soccer is famous for the rough behavior of the fans

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canal' asked the magistrate.

'Stones, sir.'

'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'

'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.

 

And finally,

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said "Okay." looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation "I'm the goalie!"

 

Horsey JOW #1345

 I recently had a chance to ride some horses in Wyoming.  I really enjoyed it.  I had not been on a horse in 25 years.  My equine adventure got me thinking about horses and horse humor, and that resulted in these jokes of the week.

 

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

 

Did you hear the joke about the 3-legged horse?
It was lame.

 

In the early 1900’s, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.

 

Man: “This is my horse, Mayo.”
Friend: “Why did you call him that? He’s not even a white horse?”
Mayo: [neighs]

 

It takes some people hours to do the hair on their mares. 

They are high mane-tenance.

 

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A mechanic.

 

Have you heard about the runaway horse?

It’s a tale of WHOA!

 

What do you call a class about Viking horses with sore throats?
A Norse hoarse horse course, of course.

 

What do you call a horse and a bee that live in the same Boston neighborhood?
Neigh-buzz.

 

It’s incredibly easy to make a slow horse fast…
You just stop feeding it.

 

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

 

What did the horse say when it fell over?

I’ve fallen over and I can’t giddyup

 

What does a Jamaican horse eat?
Reghay.

 

Do you know why horse stalls at the racetrack are labeled A, B, D, and E?

Because no one wants to bet on a seahorse.

 

How do you disguise a horse in the desert?
With camelflage

 

What do you call a really long race ran by female horses?
A mare-a-thon.

 

What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?

Sherbet.

 

Don’t order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they’ll ask for your feed back.

 

What goes “clopclopclop-clop-clop-clop-clopclopclop?”
Horse code.

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
And that’s how we got giraffes.

 

What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?
“Use the horse, Luke!”

 

A Tom Swift joke:

“I’m gonna shift to an all hay diet.” Tom said, balefully.

 

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

 

Then there are the ‘horse walks into a bar’ jokes

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

In some versions of this old joke you add the following

The horse says, “My best friend just died.”

 

A horse walks into a bar.
He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?”
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”

 

A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water…
But can’t make him drink.

 

A horse walks into a bar and orders a coke.
The bartender asks, “Straw?”
The horse replies, “No thanks, I already ate.”

 

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey,” says the barman.

“Yes please,” says the horse.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The horse tells the bartender, “I don’t think,” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am.”
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

~~~~

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

And finally, an off-topic joke

A man arrived at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So, the man explains, “My wife just bought a new expensive pair of blue jeans.  She asked me if they made her butt look big.  I told her that anything she wore already did that."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

 

Counseling JOW #1345

  Lots of young people go for advice these days to a wide variety of counselors who are, in many cases, troubled themselves. I will admit that I have a pretty low opinion of the Counselor Industry.   I admit that the Counselor Industry does provide jobs to traditionally underemployed people with degrees in psychology, sociology, gender studies, and similar soft college majors.  I, myself have never had counseling from a professional.  I am a Boomer.  Like other from my generation, we got our counseling from our parents, family, and friends who understood our particular kind of crazy.  Most of my jokes this week involve not just counseling, but martial counseling because that also involves the eternal battle of the sexes and thus there is more material to work with.

 

Marriage counselor: ‘Your partner allows you to make independent decisions?’

Husband: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*
Husband: ‘Yes, of course’

 

My friend gave me the phone number for an Anger Management Counselor the other day

I admit, I lost it

 

My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

She asked me to hold my breath.

 

My counselor told me to image that I was an oak tree.  Then she told me we could get to the roots of my problem.

 

My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately, he was so good at what he did that I don't care.

 

A flat chested wife went with her husband to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asked them; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the man said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

 

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor...

The counselor asks the man, "So, can you tell me what started your problems?"
The man replies. "It started off a trivial thing. I just said to her, "Julia, darling can you bring me a glass of water?"
The counselor says, "Julia, what do you say?"
The woman replies, "My name is not Julia"

 

Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."

 

Two related jokes.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband: To be honest I didn't even know she sold them.

 

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the best thing to do would be to seek the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor interviews them for several hours and then gives them his advice.
"The main problem I see is that you two do not show appreciation towards each other. Every once in a while, you have to show your spouse that you care about them. For instance," he turned to the husband, "what is your wife's favorite type of flower?"
The husband turned to his wife, gently clasped her hand and said "It's Pillsbury. Right, dear?"

 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

California required Notice: The following joke may contain puns.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So, what seems to be the problem?”
“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”

 

Jumbled JOW #1344

I like to have a theme for my jokes of the week.  I tend to remember jokes by subject, so having a theme helps. 

BTW, if you need jokes on a topic I have a web page listing my JOWs.  Here is the link:    https://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/4189613065377812203

It only goes back to 2008, but there are a bunch of jokes there. Feel free to use them. 

Here are a few unrelated jokes that I have rattling around my brain.  Enjoy.

 

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear.

 

The blue whale is so big that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be canceled.

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

 

The book 'I, Robot' is about sentient robots, but did you know it has a sequel about sentient submarines?

It's called 'U, boat'

 

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the Rings - I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small-scale operation

 

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

 

If a woman heard trumpets indicating Christ’s return and most would frantically begin cleaning the house.

 

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer. Plus, it’s fun to look around the laundromat and try to guess who they belong to.

 

A family man is called to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled.

To which she replied, "No. We just have regular pornography, you pervert."

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted

 

I never go me a round tuit so I am getting a custom tuit

 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane

 

If it weren't for the police and the laws of physics I would be unstoppable

 

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

 

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

 

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Which is a shame, because I was hoping to use it as a book title.

 

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

“My doctor says I should quit drinking.”

“That will be a major change in your life.”

“I know.  He has been my doctor for ten years.”

 

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles

Of course, an octopus only has eight

The other two were test-teckles.

 

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

 

I had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for two weeks.

 

At my funeral, I want somebody to throw one of the bouquets of flowers to the crowd of mourners and see who catches it.

 

Remember when the words ‘truth’ and ‘facts’ didn’t need ampersands around them?

 

For a lot of people, a penny for your thoughts is overpriced.

 

A man went to a tobacconist to purchase some fine cigar only to discover that it was now a clothing store. 

Clothes, but no cigar.

 

What’s the difference between a jungle cat who wrote a PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that include butterflies and moths?
One’s a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other’s a lepidopteral taxonomy.

 

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free.

Tit for tat

 

A teenaged boy bought a pack of condoms for the first time…
He saw the price was $10, but when he went to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“Why the extra 65 cents about?” He asks.

 “It’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”

 

“Halt!” shouted the drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot.

“Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts.” 

 

At a local match between two European soccer teams a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker.’

And to wrap it up

A woman had seven dogs. Her husband was sick of having so many dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!
But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a cute little dog she just had to have.
"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so relieved to find out it's not an infidelity; he won't care about dog number eight"
She called him up at his hotel.
"Honey," she said, "we have to talk. You've got to forgive me, I don't want this to be the end of our marriage, but you're gone so often, and I just got lonely, and I've been working so hard, and the combination of being tired and being lonely, I mean, I just got weak, honey! I just got weak! Really, I didn't mean to hurt you! You've got to forgive me, honey! You've got to forgive me! Please, honey, please!"
He says:
"Don't tell me you bought another dog."

 

Published JOW #1343

 As most of you know I write books.  My last novel, Jac and the Princess, a sword and romance novel was well received.  My publisher just released my latest book, Sir Jac and the Queen.  It is obviously a sequel to my earlier book with both my protagonists moving up in the world.  My wife Ruth also illustrated this one.  It is available with either color or black and white illustrations.  To order a copy, just go to Amazon and type in ‘Sir Jac and the Queen’, or ‘Thos Pinney’ and you can order your very own copy in hardcover, softcover, or Kindle. 

In acknowledgement of my new book, my jokes this week are mostly about books and publishing.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Publishing is the only industry where “getting a rejection” means you’re making progress.

 

My book was accepted for publication, but the editor asked me to cut 80,000 words. Apparently, “Once upon a time” was too much setup.

 

An author, an editor, and a proofreader walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Please keep it under 80,000 words.”

 

I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life

 

I shoved my manuscript between my thighs and walked away with my tale between my legs

 

Publishing a book is easy: write it, revise it, submit it, wait six months, and pretend the rejection email didn’t hurt.

 

The librarian asked me “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to over due it.”

 

After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on growing herbs.

It's about Thyme.

 

I recently read a book about the Black Death

I am afraid the author was guilty of plaguerism.

 

"I bought a self-published book from my friend that's truly awful," said my wife.

"That's mean," I replied. "I'm sure she's actually a nice person."

 

I found a recently published book by my favorite author; he’s been dead for years.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

 

There is a new way of publishing jokes. You can now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odor.  From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humor.

 

After many years, my father finally got his book, "Important Moments in Hydroelectric Power" published.  It’s about dam time.

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

A student asked why is ‘War and Peace’ so thick?"

His teacher told him “It’s a long story"

 

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, but I mean, it’s hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I've been reading a book on pet euthanasia.

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

 

Someone stole my thesaurus today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

 

A book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

 

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

 

What's the difference between a math book and a chemistry book?

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

 

Recently I read a book called The Anticlimax.

The second part was disappointing

 

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?
Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.

 

My neighbor just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

 

I found a book at the bookstore which said "How to solve 50% of your problems"

So, I bought two

 

Did you hear about the dog that writes books? Probably not, all he has is a ruff draft.

 

Writers are always cold because they’re surrounded by so many drafts.  One time, my teacher said, “Name two pronouns.” I answered, “Who, me?”

Can we all agree to leave writing poetry to the prose?

 

I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship.  He was always getting hung up on little things and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

 

Here are a few related grammar jokes:

 

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

 

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

 And to wrap things up

On his 75th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more virile than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.