Sick, sick JOW #1339

The word ‘sick’ has taken on a new meaning lately.  Instead of meaning unwell or twisted it can now mean really cool and awesome…. You know, like me.  Since medicine has been on my mind this week I have some really 'sick] new jokes.  I hope they bring you some amusement.

 

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns…

I knew the end was in sight.

 

At the hospital where I checked in I noticed that apple pies cost $2, pumpkin pies $3 and blueberry pies $4.

Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

 

That’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello?

One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.

 

Hospital food: where flavor goes to take a nap.

 

The best hospital meal is the one you sneak in yourself.

 

Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU.

 

A man’s young son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.

When the dad asked how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”

 

Son: Mom, I’m in hospital but don’t worry everything is fine.

Mom: You’re a doctor now and this wasn’t funny the first time.

 

My pregnant wife called me at work and said, “Honey, I’m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

I got there as soon as I could and called her back, “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”

 

What’s the most common type of surgery performed at the Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

In college I dated an X-ray tech who I met after a short hospital stay.

To this day, I wonder what she saw in me.

 

The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

 

The police called to tell a man that his wife was in the hospital.

“How is she?” he asked.

“Very critical,” replied the officer.

“What’s she complaining about now?”

 

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

Another hour goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

Another hour passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”

His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

 

A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, “I have an appointment at 1:30.”

She replies, “Which doctor?”

The man says, “No thanks, just a regular doctor please.”

 

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?

The hip replacement guy.

 

Because of a clerical error at the hospital, they named both of our twin boys William.

They Billed us twice.

 

A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve amputated your arms.”

 

“Push harder,” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

“Screw you,” she yelled back at me.

A bit harsh I thought; it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.

 

My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital.

“Two EMTs?” I asked her. “Don’t you mean a pair o’ medics?”

 

I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink.

I’m currently at the hospital waiting to be seen.

 

A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen. No one tells me shit.”

And finally

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"
The doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the mental health ward?"
"Och no!" replies the orderly.
"...it's the Burns Unit!"

 

Operational JOW #1338

 As I have increased in age I find nomenclature is important.  For example, what is the difference between Seniors and the Elderly.  Seniors talk about their aches and pains.  The Elderly talk about their operations and procedures.  Even though I am a designated Operations Subspecialist, and have degrees and experience in operations, I don’t like to talk about them.  I will make jokes about them, however.

 

Worst surgery I have ever had?

Easy. My circumcision. I couldn’t walk for a year.

 

Going into surgery I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??
He said, if all goes well, about three days... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

 

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo

Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow

 

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

 

I was really doubtful that the scoliosis surgery would work.

But now I stand corrected

 

What’s the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

 

What's the worst place for a classical singer to get surgery?

The opera-hating room!

 

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

 

I had to pay hundreds of dollars for a stool sample test before I had my surgery.

That shit was expensive.

 

There is a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

 

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

 

A British man lost 100 pounds after an experimental surgery

He was mugged on the way home

 

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

 

A pirate (let’s call him Mike) walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."
The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."
"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

 

After an Eye Surgery

Doctor: The Surgery was a complete Success
The Patient: I see.

 

Doctor: We need to replace your eye.  Normally we replace it with a glass ball, but for you we have one made out of cedar. Would you like that instead?
Patient: Wood eye? wood eye? Of course!

 

Doctor – Your X-rays were negative.

Blonde – But I never dated anybody named Ray.

Doctor – I think we need a full brain scan.

 

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

 

A man was having increasing problems with his vision and went to the eye doctor.  After a thorough examination the doctor took him by the elbow and guided the man in his office to discuss his eye condition.

The doctor asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, “Well, you're about to get a new special dog."

 

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

 

A woman has sued her hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"
The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess that made me look ugly and cheap."
"I think," says the surgeon gently, "this means your cataract operation was a success."

 

A man went to the doctor about knee pain. They X-rayed him and the doctor basically said, “You have bad knees. You’ll need a knee replacement in your 50s or 60s”

The man asked if there was anything he could do to avoid it,

 “You could try dying young.”
And in the end….

We had one woman come to the doctor complaining about constipation. Going into her chart the doctor saw that she had been previously given some suppositories to take, and in the triage note she said her meds weren't working.
So the doc is asked her questions, making sure nothing else is wrong.   Finally, they get to the part about the meds.

She said "Well yeah, the pills I got last time were huge! I have to break them in half to swallow them!"

Cold, Cold JOW #1337

I just got back from a trip to Iceland.  That got me thinking about a cooler climate. If you wonder what the weather in Iceland is like, there was constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

Okay, actually the weather my trip was fine.  Somehow my jokes a cooler climate morphed into the battle between the sexes.  Enjoy

 

How did the hipster drown? 

He ice-skated before it was cool.

 

What does a cyclist ride in the winter 

An icicle.

 

I got hit in the face with a snowball, knocking me out cold.

 

Wanna hear an icebreaker?

Fat penguin

 

If you have ever been a cold drink on a hot day you may be entitled to condensation

 

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat is a warm toilet seat

 

What's a horrible icebreaker?

The Titanic

 

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be just water.

 

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.

 

Which got me into the topic of Men vs Women

Women want a lot of things from one Man.

Conversely, Men want one thing from a lot of Women.

 

When a man is quiet he is thinking

When a woman is quiet she is angry

 

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

 

A woman said to her boyfriend the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" 

He laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

 

Two academicians were talking.

"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" 

"There is a Men's Studies major, it’s called history"

 

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes? 

They're called "The Ex-Men".

 

Wearing a seat belt Men: /
Women: %

 

What do women call men under 6 feet tall? 

They don't call them at all.

 

It’s funny how men and women both want to make their chest look bigger and that they're both just one similar search away from doing so.

Men look for pull up bars and women search for push up bras.

 

Women are the foundation of our society, but men are the ones who laid the foundation,

 

What's the difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women? 

Men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

 

No man has ever won a game of "Notice anything different about me?"

 

So many double standards between men and women nowadays.  When a women has sex with a lot of men, she get called a slut.  When a man does it he gets called gay

 

What do you call an Irishman who likes men and women? 

Birish.

 

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a very pretty senior girl for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

And finally, a shaggy dog, or bee rather, joke.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.
He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.
Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.
Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee.

"I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"
Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by today!"
"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.
"Yes sir, but-"
“And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.
"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-"
“Then tell me” He shouted, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"
"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"
"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realizes his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"
His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly flips over and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.

 

Ill Eagle JOW #1336

I like to have a theme for my weekly jokes.  One easy source of humor is the legal profession.  It is easy to hate lawyers.  We all remember jokes like, ‘What do lawyers use for birth control?  Their personalities.  Perhaps I shouldn’t pick on lawyers, my daughter is one.  Remember, 98% of lawyers give all the others a bad name. 

On a personal note, there will be no JOW next week.  I will be in Iceland.  East Texas is just too hot this time of year.

 

How many lawyer jokes are there? 

Only three. The rest are true stories.

 

A lawyer walks into a bar after a long day in court

The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
The lawyer says, “Just ice”

 

My partner told me I’m a horrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.

 

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

 

Why did the lawyer’s light bulb go to therapy?

It felt like it was constantly being screwed 

 

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say, “Fees!”

 

A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.

 

Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.

 

Clowns are most commonly jailed for manslaughter.

 

When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.

 

Is a priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law?

 

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

 

A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue!

 

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

 

Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road? He had an easement.

 

Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought? Unfamiliar territory.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

 

A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, “I think someone is framing me!”.

 

My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.

 

A new young, unmarried lawyer named Alice Demeanour joined the law firm.  Everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demeanour.

 

Who’s the most honest person at a lawyer convention? The caterer.

 

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? 

Say “Fees!”

 

Why don’t lawyers like to fish? 

The fish don’t fall for their lines.

 

What did the lawyer wear to court? 

His law-suit.

 

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

 

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

 

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and snakes were slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

 

A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.

“Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.

 

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

 

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Yes, we do,” said the bartender.

“Great,” said the man.

“Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my gator.”

 

Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”

The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

And finally,

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 .

Under Construction JOW #1335

 My jokes this week are about remodeling and renovation.  It has nothing to do with the fact that, now we have redone every room in our house, we are not redoing the outside.  Here are a few thoughts and jokes about such construction.

 

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

 

You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.

He's counter intuitive

 

We’re remodeling our home’s exterior, and my wife wants to know who I’m hiring to do the job.

She really wants to know who I’m siding with,

 

A couple was having an argument about leaving some roof trusses exposed when they remodeled their house.

They had some real truss issues.

 

What do you call a model who undergoes plastic surgery?

A remodel.

 

Painter: The walls need another coat of paint...

Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket

 

I was doing some home renovations and I was knocking down a wall, only to find a secret unfurnished room behind it...then I remembered we live in a duplex.

 

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

After the modernization, the famous clock will be beat five times a day, calling the faithful to prayer

 

An elephant walks into a bar

The bar goes into renovation

 

A man was on a ladder putting up molding.  His son was very eager to hurry up the process. 

Son: Do you need me to hold anything?

Dad: Yeah, your horses

 

If you pay for your kitchen remodel with fake bills...

You’re counterfeiting the counter fitter.

 

A man was remodeling his house, and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits.

His lovely wife grabbed a shop vac hose and began vacuuming everything up.  He was impressed and told her she was pretty good caulk-sucker.

 

My wife and I recently completed a remodel of our kitchen. The other night we decided to move all the spirits and mixers and into the new cabinets. The last thing we moved was all our booze. I picked up two bottles and turned around. My wife had FIVE bottles at once!
She really can hold her liquor…

Two guys, Mike and John, worked for a remodeling company.

One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows:

Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today?

John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered.

My wife wants me to remodel our staircase.

I told her I'd need a step-by-step guide.

 

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.
The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a gaping hole in the granite countertop!"
Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in the hallway outside of the kitchen, to leave.
"Get out now!" the man shouted.
Trying to allay his anger, the contractor asked for the homeowner to calm down and let his assistant into the kitchen with the part he needed.
"No!" the man replied angrily. "I'm going to sue you!"
"You're not letting us finish the work. We're almost done, we just need to install the sink, and you are preventing that." said the contractor.  "If we cooperate, we can have this house finished and avoid a costly legal battle where we'd both end up worse off.  Now just let that sink in."

 

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked where they had come from.
The first friend answered that she found a genie who granted her wish by giving her a pair of huge bits, and she told her friend know how to contact the genie.
When the two friends met again for brunch the second week, the second friend was completely covered with a painful looking rash. She explained that she had wished to be completely covered in cash and ended up with a rash instead.
"Oops", the friend responded. "I forgot to warn you that the genie is a little hard of hearing.  Seriously, did you really think I would wish for a big pair of bits?"

 

And finally

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.  The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife.  So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

 

 

Red Hot JOW #1334

 Summer is the traditional time for vacations and long, lazy days.  It is also the time when Tom has to stay inside in the air conditioning.  It is hot everywhere right now, but it will be hot here for another three months.  And it is very hot here.  It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF.  With that in mind, here are some jokes about how warm things are here and all over the world with some 4^th of July stuff included.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

 

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

What do Transformers do when it gets hot?

They put on a tank top.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

  

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2026”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

If you are looking for a hot date, any day in July or August will do

 

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery schoolteacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.' 

 

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
“Get in the boat, men!”

 

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filter it, then we take out the harmful minerals, then we put it through some chemical process, and then we drink it. Only around here, people call it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

Tom: What do you do?

Jim: I am into Global prosthetics distribution.
Tom: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Jim: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

And finally, another old off topic joke.

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern and wait for the first wreck.”

 

Independent JOW #1333

 This is Independence Day weekend with the Forth of July this Saturday, marking the 250^th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.  I am so old that I remember the 199^th celebration of July 4th in Independence Square in Philadelphia.  There were few people there.  We forget how low patriotic feelings were back in 1975.  Believe it or not, things are better now.  I intend to enjoy the 4^th of July this year, although I think I will eschew the traditional American habit of celebrating the holiday by drinking and handling explosives.  Ya’ll have fun out there but be safe.

 

We are going to celebrate Independence Day!

For those that don't know their history, this was the day in 1996 that Will Smith saved the world

 

Last 4th I remember watching the fireworks on the TV.

In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best place to light them

 

Steps to take the best fireworks video

Step 1: Reconsider; because absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

 

What's a favorite game as a resident of Chicago?

"Gunshots or Fireworks?"

 

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

 

As much as I love fireworks there is a problem.

I just blow through them

 

Fireworks have been really popular in 2020.

Sales have skyrocketed.

 

What do you get when you cross a small dinosaur and fireworks?

Dino-mite.

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

The United States is now a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases.

 

Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.

When was the first Brexit celebrated?
On July 4, 1776.

 

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

 

What is the difference between George Washington and a duck?

One has his face on a bill, the other has a bill on his face.

 

Why aren’t there any Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?

Because freedom rings!

 

Why did the British cross the Atlantic

To get to the other side.

 

Did you hear about the young sheep that fell down a hill while watching fireworks?

It was a lambslide.

 

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom of the paper

 

What’s the best way to celebrate the Fourth of July?

With a little indepen-dance.

 

What did the Founding Fathers wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts.

 

Besides the U.S.A., what other countries have July 4?

All of them.

What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?

The Star-Spangled Banner.

 

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

 

What rock group has four men but doesn’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

 

It's the 4th of July night and some good old boys are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking beer and eating s’mores and just generally having a grand ol' time,  One of the men named Washington put one of his friends called Lincoln on the spot.
Washington: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
Lincoln: "What now? What thing?"
Washington: "Lincoln, do the thing! The speech! You know, the thing!!!!"

Lincoln: "Ohhh, yeah, the speech. Yeah, that thing. Nah, I can't. Can't remember the words."
Washington: "Whaddya mean you can't remember the words??? It's the speech; you've said it a million times!!! You've got that like burned in your brain, right?!!"
Lincoln: “Well, yeah, normally, sure, I've got it memorized, but that was four s'mores and seven beers ago!"

 

The old priest, Father William, made it a point to attend the parish school once a week.
He entered the fourth-grade class, where the students were studying the states, and asked how many states they could name. They came up with roughly forty different names. Father William joked that students in his day knew the names of all the states.
“Yes, sir”, answered one young man, “but there were a lot fewer states back then.”

 

Changing pace a bit:

Wife: ‘Maturing in marriage is realizing when your husband says he would do anything for you he means fighting dragons and stuff.  Not folding clothes and washing dishes.’

Huband: ‘Have you been attacked by a dragon since we got married?’

There’s this coroner’s assistant who is told he has to work on Independence Day due to the large number of bodies awaiting autopsies.
When questioned about it, the assistant stated, “It’s the Fourth of July. I’ll be given double time, and like any other holiday, I will get to crack open a cold one.”

Dick is introduced to an author at a party. ‘My last book was terribly difficult,’ the author says. ‘It took me over six years to complete.’

‘I can sympathize,’ replies Dick. ‘I’m a slow reader myself.’

 

And finally,

American authorities apprehend a Russian spy using the codename “Joe Smith.” Agent Perry, an official, confronts him in an interrogation chamber.
“I don’t understand why I’m being interrogated,” Smith says.
“Drop the act, Smith, assuming that’s even your true name.” We know you’re a spy from another country!”
“WHAT?” says Smith. No! I’m a true American; I know all fifty states, US territories, and their capitals!”

“We know you’re a spy!” says Perry.
“You’re all wrong!” says Smith. “I can name all 46 Presidents of the United States in chronological sequence, and their Vice Presidents.”
“Now we are certain you’re a spy!” says Perry.
Smith: “OK, I admit it, I’m a Russian agent with a false identity. But how could you tell that?”
“Because Americans don’t know any of those things,” Perry says.