Tasteless JOW #1229

Usually, my jokes are pretty clean.  The JOW has standards; they are low, but they are standards…of a sort.  This week my jokes are close to the bottom of those standards.  Some of these jokes might be considered mean, some are naughty, and a few are as close to scatological as I go with my jokes.  All of them are pretty tasteless So here we go with some pretty tasteless jokes for this week. 

 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose.

 

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have one. Break their bones; they have 206.

 

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

 

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

 

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

 

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

 

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"

The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

 

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

 

Farmer Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

 

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.

He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

 

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"

The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."

The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"

The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

 

A man started to have erection difficulties. His girlfriend and he had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought him some Viagra and he bought her a treadmill.

 

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh, never mind, it's too long."

Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."

 

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"

Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch; it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." 

 

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."

The next calf comes up and asks,

"Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."

The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"

The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

 

A man and woman were divorcing and decided to get some counseling from their pastor.

“A divorce means you will have to split all your possessions, everything you have equally.”

“No problem, said the man.”

“What about your cars?”

“Easy.  We have two. She can have the SUV.”

“But you only have one house.”

“We can sell it and split the money.”

“But you have three children. You both love them all equally.  How will you split them?”

The couple shifted a bit, thinking of the old story of Soloman dividing a child.

Seeing an opening the Pastor thought he could see a way to keep the couple together.

‘Why don’t you try to have another child together?  Then, if after you have another child, and you can’t make the marriage work and finally divorce, you could each get two of them.”  He leaned back confident he had made a point.

The wife looking bored replied, “No.  If I had to count on him to make a baby I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”

 

Dramatic JOW! #1228

 The world is so full of drama at every level these days.  So, I might as well embrace and salute it.  Here are some dramatic funny jokes.  Note that I did not say they were dramatically funny.  I end with a joke about plant-based drama. I hope these jokes bring a smile.

What do you get when you cross a drama student with a comedian?

A stand-up tragedian.

 

A thief walked into a theatre and stole the spotlight.

 

Why did the drama teacher break up with the math teacher?

Their relationship had too many problems.

How do you know if someone is a drama enthusiast?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you… dramatically.

 

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

 

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

 

Used to have this drama teacher who always said, “Raising your hand was a waste of time.”

He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

 

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I never got a chance because his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

 

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

 A man can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If a woman told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material.

 

What's a cow’s favorite TV drama?

Graze Anatomy

 

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a married man.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part.”

 

There is a new TV show where a bunch of stoners just sit around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

 

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese?

The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

 

People wondered how Elmer Fudd managed to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.

Let's just say, he had a few Twix up his sleeve...

 

The movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres, which was a surprise because historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

 

Well before the show has started, an usher walked by and noticed a man lying sprawled across three seats at a posh theater.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"
The man groaned, but stayed where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man said "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher, so he marched off to get the manager. In a few moments he returned with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager called the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, where's your proper seat?"
With pain in his voice the man replied, "In the balcony."

 

A girl goes to a movie theater…with her dog.
The movie didn’t have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said “That’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe your dog is crying”
She responded: “I can’t believe either, because he didn’t like the book.”

 

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist
"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"
"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"
"That's what I said, a pot of gold coins!"

 

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTUS?

 

And at last, a semi-dramatic joke.
Once upon a time, there were two onions - Mr. & Mrs. Onion. One day, the wife-onion tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to her husband; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together. A shallot, if you will. The day comes of the birth, and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents. Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic. He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion, and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The father-onion is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard. She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to the yard just in time to see her child wander into the adjacent road and get hit by a truck.
She screams, runs out, and calls an ambulance.
The ambulance comes and rushes the frail child-onion to the Onion Hospital. Being in such a critical condition, he is rushed straight into the operating room, and mommy-and-daddy onion can do little but wait outside the theatre hoping for some news.
After an agonizing five-hour wait, the weary-looking doctor-onion emerges in surgical garb, ready to impart news.
"So, Mr. and Mrs. Onion. Would you like the good news or the bad news?"
The couple ponder it for a moment, and then decide: "The good news, please."
The doctor-onion regards them briefly, and then says, "Well, the good news is we've managed to stabilize your child. The bad news is... he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

 

 

Cruisin' JOW #1227

We have safely returned from out Transatlantic cruise and Portuguese idyll.  It was wonderful.  I mean, cruise ships are just floating buffets with an ocean view.  Of course, there is always the issue with that 26-hour trip home.  I am just now getting over the jet lag. 

Jet lag is like time travel sickness.  It’s like your body clock drunk dialing you.  Crossing time zones: Nature’s way of messing with your sleep schedule.

International travel observations:

Passport photos are really just bad selfies.

 

Passport photos: the face of regret.

 

Airport security: the most awkward dance party.

 

Overhead bins: a game of Tetris nobody wins.

 

Turbulence: nature’s way of checking if you’re paying attention.

 

Middle seats: where personal space goes to die.

 

Seat belts: because mid-air turbulence likes surprises.

 

Emergency exits: a pop quiz you never want to take.

 

If the airline loses your luggage, you can sue them. You will lose that case, too.

 

Signs in an English airport:

Keep calm and Carry On

Keep calm and Checked Luggage

 

When you have overweight luggage, it’s time to weigh your options.

 

What happens when you cross a snake and a plane?
You get a Boeing constrictor!

 

Passengers were trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for five days.

On the bright side, it’s kind of what they paid for.

 

Souvenirs are just trophies for surviving tourists.

 

Tourists are just landmark paparazzi.

 

Which type of traveler is the calmest?
The No-mad.

 

I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship. But I got lost at sí.

 

I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

 

When Canadians work on board cruise ships, they need to get a document from the Canadian government called a Seaman’s Discharge Book.  Which is useless because all the pages are stuck together.

 

Did you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now everyone is jumping on board.

 

Where does Santa go on vacation?

Santa Cruz

 

What would you call the Bermuda triangle if it had four corners? The Bermuda Wreck-Tangle

 

A woman on a cruise asked the captain “How far is the closest land?”

“Three miles”, he answers.

“That’s not too bad, in which direction? she asked.

“Straight down.”

 

We called to make reservations in the dining room for 7 p.m. The cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine.”
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

 

Okay, here are a few quick pirate jokes.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender asks, “Hey, what’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says, “Argh, I’ve got a bounty on my head.”

 

How does a pirate walk his dog?

A pirate only walks the plank.

 

A pirate’s favorite letter? Not the RRRR.  A pirate only love is the C.

~~~~~

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

 

A Back to the Future joke:

"If I owned a DeLorean… I’d probably only drive it from time to time."

 

Mini-bar prices teach budget management.   They also allow you to see into the future and find out what a can of soda will cost in 2030.

 

On a golf tour in Ireland, a man drove is fancy BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knew nothing of golf greeted him in a typical Irish manner.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant.

The golfer nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies replied the golfer.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!

 

Two smokers are out on a cruise on a boat. They realize they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea.
The boat is now a cigarette lighter.

And finally, off topic.

A man cruises the countryside on his bike.

He was riding past a farm when the motor started to stutter and finally stopped. He tried to start the bike again but to no avail.
Scratching his head, he suddenly hears a voice coming from his right:
"I think the carburetor's broken..."
The man turns his head to see a cow, munching grass and looking at him.
As there's visibly no one else around, the man thinks he imagined the voice but looking back at the cow he now sees her addressing him:
"I tell you, man, the carburetor's crap on that model..."
Shocked by this first encounter with a talking cow, the man goes to the nearby farm and finds the farmer to which he introduces himself:
"Hi, I was just cruising around and my bike broke down. You'll find that crazy but a cow, the one over there, talked to me, she said... she said the problem was coming from the carburetor"
The farmer looks at him, takes a look at the cow, looks back at the biker and tells the man very seriously:
"Son, be real... it's a cow... don't listen to her.  She doesn't know jackshit about bikes."

The Parting JOW #1226

I have frequently mentioned that I send out my JOW’s regularly so if you do not receive one, please let me know.  Well, there will not be any more JOW’s in April.  Ruth and I are going on a Trans-Atlantic cruise with no contact available.  Yes, it is still possible to be out of touch with the world for a whole week.  Heck, I did it for months at a time while deployed.  While in Europe we will also be visiting some old friends in Portugal, so it will be a lengthy trip.

 

Baby changing stations are a hoax. Parents go in but come out with the same baby.

 

I saw a new apartment going up in my neighborhood. They call it Morning Wood.  I bet the rents are pretty stiff.

 

My latest fortune cookie read: You will be hungry again in one hour.

 

Nowadays one more for the road means peeing before you leave.

 

Aging may have slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.

 

I watched a pigeon open his bill but made no sound.  It was a failed coo attempt.

 

You never see Polar Bears and penguins together in the wild.  They are polar opposites.

 

I love going outdoors.  It’s much easier than going outwindows.

 

Adam and Eve were the first people to not read the Apple term & conditions.

 

I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends.  It was a brief discussion.

 

Nancy Drew and the mysteriously light dime bag.

 

I think it’s disgraceful that after only 50 years people don’t know who Neal Armstrong was or what kind of trumpet he played.

 

I love to take a nap but that sounds so childish.  I prefer to call them ‘horizontal life pauses.’

 

I am getting tired of winter.  I can hardly wait to start complaining about the heat.

 

The Nudist camp is clothed for the winter.

 

I kicked an ice cube under the refrigeration, but it’s just water under the fridge.

 

Pushup bras: making mountains out of molehills for forty years.

 

Avoidable.  What a matador attempts to do.

How do you get down from an elephant?  You don’t.  You get down from a goose.

 

Cowboys used to put lanterns on the saddles of their horses to help them find their way in the dark.

It was the first saddle light navigation.

 

Some of you remember John Lennon’s wife Yoko Ono.  He produced several of her albums proving that love can be not only blind but deaf, too.

 

If I get something caught in my throat I dislodge it with a cold beer.  I call it the Heineken maneuver.

 

I hear that 90% of all electric cars are still on the road.  I guess that means that the other 10% made it home.

 

Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"

Mom: "Why not?"

Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing; all she does is ask questions!"

 

Patient: ‘My siblings treat me like Lucy and Linus treat Charlie Brown’

Psychologist: ‘It appears you have analogy to Peanuts.’

 

A famous psychic was buying some clothes.

Clerk: “Try this one on.”

Psychic: “That shirt will be too small.”

Clerk: “You didn’t even try it on.”

Psychic: “I’m a medium.”

 

There are two types of people in the world:

Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data… 

There was a debate between the difference between weather and climate.  It easy.  You can’t weather a tree, but you can climb it.

A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City

He is starting to get really fed up.

 

How can you tell if an ant is male or female?  They are female.  If they were male, they would be an uncle.

 

I was bitten by a venomous snake.

Fortunately, my uncle’s wife gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts.

I was glad to have the auntie dote.

 

Advice for dealing with an angry woman:

Next time your woman gets mad at you drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and tell her that now she is ‘super angry’.  That should work.

Of course, any time a woman gets mad at you just tell her to ‘calm down, you’re overreacting.’  That always works……

Or you can just retreat to a safe distance and toss her some chocolate.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  You begin with hearts and a diamond.  And at the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

The pastor says alcohol is your enemy.

Jesus says love our enemy.

Case closed.

 

I wrote about Golden Oldies a few weeks back.  Here are some new titles for classics by some of our favorite artists.

 

Herman’s Hermits

Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr

I Get By with a Little help from Depends

The Bee Gees

How Can you mend a broken hip?

Roberta Flack

The First Time Every I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash

I can’t see clearly now

Paul Simon

Fifty Ways to Lose your Liver

Commodores

Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Procol Harum

A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer

You Make me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations

Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone

Helen Reddy

I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Lesley Gore

It’s my Hormones and I’ll Cry if I Want To.

 

And a final shot about not pissing off an old guy.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three tough bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress looking over his shoulder replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

 

 

Protest JOW #1225

Our current society is all aboil with protest groups advocating for all sorts of rights for many different aggrieved groups who feel their rights have been abrogated.  I am convinced that if there were a zombie apocalypse there would be zombie activists.  So, this week I have some jokes and quips about protests.

 

First there were BLM protesters and now Trump supporters.

Looks like orange is the new black.

 

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)

There's nothing left but de brie.

 

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old. 

 

“I’m seeing things Doc!” protested the mental patient.

“Well, I ain’t no optometrist, but I think that’s what’s meant to happen.” Replied the psychologist.

 

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the M letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting harder?
They paint the M letters upside down on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

 

Following the protests, Iran has announced a controversial move to close outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision.

 

If you hate something you protest about it.

If you love something you anti-test about it.

 

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

 

Eco-activists, as a protest, splashed paint on a famous Jackson Pollock painting.

No one noticed.

 

What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!

 

My friend Dante was a big PETA booster, but suddenly stoped supporting them.

Dante’s in fur now.

 

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says, "The President is an idiot".
Within 10 minutes the secret police come to arrest him.
"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."
"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is."

 

A group of deaf people get together to protest.

The group begins chanting
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids!”
When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids!”

 

A group of procrastinators get together to protest.

The group begins chanting
“What do we want?”
“World Peace”
When do we want it?”
“Oh, someday….”

 

Another group was protesting:

“What do we want”

“Time travel”

“When do we want it?”

“It’s irrelevant.”

 

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

 

A couple of friends of mine, one black, one white, were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

 

Some off topic jokes

 

“What’s your name son?” asked the teacher.

“Da da da David, sir.”

“So, you have a stutter?”

“No sir, my dad had a stutter but the guy who filled out my birth certificate was a real jerk.”

 

I saw two dudes wearing matching outfits and eating donuts together.  I told them they were a cute couple.  They threatened to arrest me.

 

It’s about time to pull those steaks off the grill.  My neighbor just went inside, and I don’t think he can see me.

 

If a jalapeno gets a visit from a Carolina Reaper, does he become a Ghost Pepper

 

Scuffle.  Brawl.  Melee.  Altercation.   Them’s fightin’ words.

What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?

They're bisectual

 

Iris‌‌h daughter‌ left home unexpectedly and did not return for ‌‌five years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r was most upset at her.

“Where have you been all this time‌‌, child‌‌? Why di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Why‌‌didn’t'‌‌ y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understand y‌‌e putt ye‌‌r old Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad.‌. ‌‌I became‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t out ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e Sinner‌‌! You’re ‌‌a disgrace t‌‌o this Catholic family.‌‌"
‌‌"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I only cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o give Mu‌‌m this fu‌‌r coat‌‌, ‌‌. For m‌‌y little brother‌‌, this gold Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r you Daddy‌‌, a ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s.  And I want to invite y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spend Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yacht.‌‌"
‌‌"Wha‌‌t was it ye say y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌Girl‌‌, crying again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e half t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e said ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌an‌‌d give ye‌‌r old Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

 

I have been writing some dialog lately.  Here is an example.

The tough guy spits mouthful of blood onto the floor.

“You have become more powerful since last we crossed paths, doctor.”

Dentist: “Please stop.  There is a sink right next to you.’

 

Some drink deeply from the well of knowledge.

Others just rinse and spit.

 

 

Irishness JOW #1224

 Sunday was St. Patrick’s Day with all the associated Irish events, most of which involved marching, dancing, singing, and the consumption of alcohol.  I do enjoy Irish humor and it was easy to come up with a bunch of jokes about what can only be called ‘Irishness’. 

 

“An English lawyer sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’

‘Who told you that?’ asked Marty.

 

What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night?

Patty O’Furniture

 

Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet?

He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.

 

Paddy wandered into a doctor’s office and asked, “Do you treat alcoholics”,

The doctor replied, “Of course I do.”

Paddy said, “Great, get your coat on; I’m broke, and I need a drink.”

 

The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty; fancy another one?” Looking puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would I be needed two empty glasses?”

 

Some Irishmen were standing around drinking and talking, and the question arose that ‘if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?’
“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks a friend.
“He’s got a boat,” answers Paddy

 

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the woebegone defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”

“I’m glad to hear you say that” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief, “Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

 

Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women it made me sleep with?”

~~~

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

“Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean.

“‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle.”

 

Sheamus had long heard of the story of a family tradition. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk right across the lake to their local pub on their 18th birthday for their first legal drink. So, when Sheamus’ 18th birthday arrived he stepped confidently out onto the lake but he immediately sank and nearly drowned.

Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water on the lake, like my father, my grandfather, and his father before him?”

Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes and said, “Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August.”

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a Guinness before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another before it starts.”

She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another; it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”

 

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters, and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars, and fine chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think it’s been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

 

And finally:

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please give us some wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

 

 

Angelic JOW #1223

 I know that I have been very fortunate in my life; it's almost like I had a guardian angel looking out for me.  I can just imagine my guardian angel talking to the other angels: “Look what moron did this time!   His last guardian angel ended up in rehab.  I’m gonna lose my job and wind up in hell.” 

So here are a few jokes roughly themed about angels.   

 

Did you hear about the man who was once visited by an angel but only described the measurements of a triangle to him?
He said, “It felt like a sine from God.”

 

What does an angel say at a pastry shop?
“Donut be afraid.”

 

What do you call a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you are wrong. The answer is “Nun of the above.”

 

What’s a fountain after an angel is removed?
A sans seraph font.

 

Angel: ‘Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!’
Jesus: ‘Tell them I’m not here.’

 

Have you heard about the Angel of Death that’s not so intelligent?
The Dim Reaper.

 

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says, “Your time has come.”
The lawyer starts crying and wailing, “But I’m only forty.”
Angel of death says, “Not according to your billable hours.”

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harold.
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

 

Some women are like angels.
Even if they lose their wings, they still manage to fly.
Just on a broom.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose wife is an angel?
All his friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

 

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

 

An angel walks into a hardware store and says, “I’d like to buy a Christmas tree.”
The cashier asks, “Are you putting it up yourself?”
The angel replies, “Yes.”

 

God was creating all the countries, and it was Canada's turn.

He turned to his angels and said, "This country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world."
The angels ask God, "Aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "Wait till you see who their neighbor is."

 

God was talking to one of his angels:

God: how many animals do we have left?
Angel: Just two
God: and how many legs do we have left?
Angel: 100
Centipede: DIBS!
Snake: Damn it!

 

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.
The joyous parade of angels carries the bus driver in ahead of the Priest.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Priest and says, "You can come enter now.” The angel begins to lead the Priest inside alone.
The Priest, somewhat confused, says "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Priest. I've worked hard and served the Lord all my life. Why is it that the bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says "Well, frankly, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed".

 

A few non-angelic jokes

It’s that damn daylight savings time again.  Do workers at Stone Henge have to move all the stones forward one hour?

 

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.

 

In Texas there are farms who breed deer to have bigger antlers.  There are reputedly also farms that are breeding deer to be faster, but they are just looking for a quick buck.

 

Do you know what a wok is?

A wok is what you throw at a wabbit when you don’t have a wifle. 

 

Albert Einstein was a nice guy, but his brother Frank was a real monster. 

Bat Boy

 

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -  Alec Baldwin

 

And a final guardian angel joke.

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.
A day or two after that, he was driving to work. Despite the music in the car, he heard the same voice yell even louder "STOP!!!" He screeched on the brakes. A huge truck breezed through a red light past the front of his car.
He couldn't have heard the same woman's voice in his car so acknowledging a divine intervention he went to the church to seek answers.
An angel manifested from one of the frescoes.
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"I am your guardian angel, It is my duty to protect you from harm's way. Since your birth it is me who has been intervening on your behalf against all peril" the angel replied. Then seeing the dumbfounded look on his face said, "I imagine you have some questions for me."
"You bet I do," the man said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"