This is Independence Day weekend with the Forth of July this Saturday, marking the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. I am so old that I remember the 199th celebration of July 4th in Independence Square in Philadelphia. There were few people there. We forget how low patriotic feelings were back in 1975. Believe it or not, things are better now. I intend to enjoy the 4th of July this year, although I think I will eschew the traditional American habit of celebrating the holiday by drinking and handling explosives. Ya’ll have fun out there but be safe.
We
are going to celebrate Independence Day!
For
those that don't know their history, this was the day in 1996 that Will Smith
saved the world
Last
4th I remember watching the fireworks on the TV.
In
hindsight, that probably wasn't the best place to light them
Steps
to take the best fireworks video
Step
1: Reconsider; because absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the
fireworks you recorded on your phone
What's
a favorite game as a resident of Chicago?
"Gunshots
or Fireworks?"
I
will have to do some research on fireworks
to
know which one will give me bang for the buck.
As
much as I love fireworks there is a problem.
I
just blow through them
Fireworks
have been really popular in 2020.
Sales
have skyrocketed.
What
do you get when you cross a small dinosaur and fireworks?
Dino-mite.
What
did the lightning say to the fireworks?
Hey!
You stole my thunder.
The United States is now a free country where every man can do as his wife
pleases.
Why
were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
When was the first Brexit celebrated?
On July 4, 1776.
What’s
the largest export of Great Britain?
Independence
days
What
is the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One
has his face on a bill, the other has a bill on his face.
Why
aren’t there any Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because
freedom rings!
Why
did the British cross the Atlantic
To
get to the other side.
Did
you hear about the young sheep that fell down a hill while watching fireworks?
It
was a lambslide.
Where
was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At
the bottom of the paper
What’s
the best way to celebrate the Fourth of July?
With
a little indepen-dance.
What
did the Founding Fathers wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
Besides
the U.S.A., what other countries have July 4?
All
of them.
What
do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The
Star-Spangled Banner.
What
happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The
Americans licked the British!
What
would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What
rock group has four men but doesn’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
It's
the 4th of July night and some good old boys are gathered around a campfire
having a party. They're drinking beer and eating s’mores and just generally
having a grand ol' time, One of the men named
Washington put one of his friends called Lincoln on the spot.
Washington: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
Lincoln: "What now? What thing?"
Washington: "Lincoln, do the thing! The speech! You know, the
thing!!!!"
Lincoln:
"Ohhh, yeah, the speech. Yeah, that thing. Nah, I can't. Can't remember
the words."
Washington: "Whaddya mean you can't remember the words??? It's the speech;
you've said it a million times!!! You've got that like burned in your brain,
right?!!"
Lincoln: “Well, yeah, normally, sure, I've got it memorized, but that was four
s'mores and seven beers ago!"
The
old priest, Father William, made it a point to attend the parish school once a
week.
He entered the fourth-grade class, where the students were studying the states,
and asked how many states they could name. They came up with roughly forty different
names. Father William joked that students in his day knew the names of all the
states.
“Yes, sir”, answered one young man, “but there were a lot fewer states back
then.”
Changing
pace a bit:
Wife:
‘Maturing in marriage is realizing when your husband says he would do anything
for you he means fighting dragons and stuff.
Not folding clothes and washing dishes.’
Huband:
‘Have you been attacked by a dragon since we got married?’
There’s
this coroner’s assistant who is told he has to work on Independence Day due to
the large number of bodies awaiting autopsies.
When questioned about it, the assistant stated, “It’s the Fourth of July. I’ll
be given double time, and like any other holiday, I will get to crack open a
cold one.”
Dick
is introduced to an author at a party. ‘My last book was terribly difficult,’
the author says. ‘It took me over six years to complete.’
‘I
can sympathize,’ replies Dick. ‘I’m a slow reader myself.’
And
finally,
American
authorities apprehend a Russian spy using the codename “Joe Smith.” Agent
Perry, an official, confronts him in an interrogation chamber.
“I don’t understand why I’m being interrogated,” Smith says.
“Drop the act, Smith, assuming that’s even your true name.” We know you’re a
spy from another country!”
“WHAT?” says Smith. No! I’m a true American; I know all fifty states, US
territories, and their capitals!”
“We
know you’re a spy!” says Perry.
“You’re all wrong!” says Smith. “I can name all 46 Presidents of the United
States in chronological sequence, and their Vice Presidents.”
“Now we are certain you’re a spy!” says Perry.
Smith: “OK, I admit it, I’m a Russian agent with a false identity. But how
could you tell that?”
“Because Americans don’t know any of those things,” Perry says.
