Sleepy JOW #1329

 Normally, I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.  Lately, I find I have not been getting a good night’s sleep.  My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I forgot to do.  So now I take my naps very seriously.  I hope you will NOT take these jokes about sleeping that way.

 

The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea

I can’t sleep at all with that thing on my face.

 

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

 

Dear sleep: please come back. I’m sorry about last night.

 

Insomnia is like a bad guest—it arrives uninvited and stays too long.

 

I lost sleep worrying about losing sleep.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Sleep is the safest form of time travel.  You wake up and it’s tomorrow.

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Sleeping: the art of doing nothing well.

 

Adulting: staying awake past 9 p.m. now feels almost illegal.

 

Coffee is just a sleep postponement method.

 

I nap so I can survive my responsibilities.

 

Sleep: the unpaid vacation I deserve.

 

I tried rocking my young grandson to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Led Zeppelin fan.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore.

 

Actually, getting awakened with a kiss is a good thing.  Well, unless you are in prison.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me (that my wife has heard) that are untrue.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She damn near poked my eye out.

 

Before I went to sleep last night.

I put my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 in its place.
It must have been the Bluetooth Fairy.

 

The dad told his daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”  

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime.”

 

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when my kid cries in the middle of the night

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, although this is not recommended for people with goldfish.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

Kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

Dad: "Why not?"
Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
Dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes, I see it!"
Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

I was asked, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” was not the correct answer.

 

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman and said,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”
Not to be outdone, after a moment of silence he farted.

 

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

Reading JOW #1328

My jokes this week remain about books and reading.  I was happy with the reception of my latest book ‘Jac and the Princess’ has received. Thanks to those of you who have bought a copy.  Don’t forget to post a review of the book if you like it.  If not, tell me what you did not like.  The follow-on book, Jac and the Queen is in production now and it is not too late to make changes.  Here are my jokes – I hope they entertain you.

 

My older sister always tore the last pages of my comic books and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

 

Look, I'm all for coloring books but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.

 

Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader.

 

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT ARE NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOC

·        Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

·        Charles Manson Bedtime Stories

·        Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

·        Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

·        The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

·        Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will

A list of unlikely authors and their books
• The French Chef
by Sue Flay
Secrets of the Mind
by Sarah Bellum
• Tight Situation
by Leah Tard
• Unemployed
by Anita Job
• Handel's Messiah
by Ollie Luyah
• Downpour!
by Wayne Dwops
• Cloning
by Ima Dubble
• Irish Flooring
by Lynn O'Leum
• Holmes Does it Again
by Scott Linyard
• Home Alone IV
by Eddie Buddyhome
• Neither a Borrower
by Nora Lender Bee
• The Scent of Sweat
by Jim Nasium
• French Overpopulation
by Francis Crowded
• Fallen Underwear
by Lucy Lastic
• House Construction for Amateurs
by Bill Jerome Home
• Lewis Carroll
by Alison Wonderland
• Leo Tolstoy
by Warren Peace
• The Coming Gas Crisis
by M. T. Tank
• Wind in the Willows
by Russell Ingleaves
• Look Younger
by Fay Slift
• No!
by Kurt Reply
• And Shut Up!
by Sid Downe
• 40 Yards to the Latrine
by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
• Tiny Bikini
by Seymore Skynn
• Yellow River
by I. P. Freely
• Sex on the Beach
by Sandy Shortz
•Taming Wild Cats

by Claude Face.

•All Aboard!

by Abel Seamann.
•The Worst Journey in the World

by Helen Back.
•Discipline in the Home

by Wilma Child-Begood.
•How to Diet Successfully

by M. T. Cupboard.
•My Years in a Lunatic Asylum

by I. M. Nutty.

•Grow Your Own Vegetables

by Rosa Carrotts.
•Take A Breather

by Justin Hale
•How to Become Famous

by Anonymous
•Rules for Philanthropy

 by Jenna Russ
•Where to Find Wildebeests

By Sara N. Getti
•Confessions of a Mental Patient

by Justin Sane

 

The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
The Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Vatican List of Celibate Priests
Cooking Gourmet Dishes with Tofu
The Englishman’s Guide to the Secrets of Rocmance

 

Here is a book knock knock joke.
Librarian: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie Thupp.
Kid: Winnie Thupp who?
Librarian: He's in the juvenile fiction, and so is Piglet!

A boy was spending too much time playing computer games, so

His father said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

 

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

 

A chicken runs into a library, goes to the main desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian hands the chicken a book and it tucks it under its wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the book on the desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, bok, boook.’ Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out with it. A few minutes later the chicken is back, and returns the book saying, ‘Boook, book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian gives the chicken a third book, but this time follows it as it runs out. The chicken runs down the street, through a park and down to the river where a frog is sitting on the bank. The chicken holds up the book to the frog, saying, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook’.

The frog replies, ‘Read-it, read-it, read-it…’

 

And my last joke is about when God decided it was time to send an angel to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, the angel finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, the angel thanks the man for stopping.
The angel: ‘Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.’
Man: ‘Don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.’
After a few minutes driving the man leans over,
Man: ‘Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?’
The angel: ‘Wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some.’
A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again,
Man: ‘Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one?’
The angel: ‘Sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.”
After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says,
Man: ‘Hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me?’
The angel pauses for a second and replies,
The angel: ‘Ya know what, why not!’
So the man and the angel drive down the road smoking the joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, the angel speaks up,
The angel:’ Okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m an angel! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!’
The man looks at the angel with a grin on his face and says, ‘Yeah, that joint was good sh1t, huh?’

 

Literary JOW #1327

 As many of you know, I write books as an expression of my artistic sensibility.  I was once asked, ‘I can't understand why you took a year to write a novel when you can buy one for a few bucks.’  Well, because it is fun.  I just published my latest book, Jac and the Princess, an easy reading novel set in a medieval fantasy world about a handsome young guardsman who has to rescue the Princess.   There is adventure, romance, and some humor.  I do not write literature; I write stories people enjoy reading.  The book is available now on Amazon in hardback, softback, or for Kindle.  Just go to the Amazon web page and type in either ‘Jac and the Princess’ or ‘Thos. Pinney’ and it will take you to the right spot.  You can also get books directly from me.  If you do that I will even sign it for you.  For that reason, my jokes this week are about books and authors. 

 

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s not important, let me tell you about my new book!

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

 

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. One writer to ask if it ‘really’ needs to be changed.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb

 

Some book quotes:

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- P.J. O’Rourke
If good books did good, the world would have been converted long ago.
- George Moore

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.  - Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed-reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.  - Franklin P. Jones

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
- Joseph Brodsky

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.  - Gilbert K. Chesterton

Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers. - Harry S Truman
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. - George Bernard Shaw

One advantage reading books has over TV is you can’t read books and do housework at the same time. - Melanie White

‘I read part of the book all the way through.’ Samuel Goldwyn

 ‘I just received the copy of the book you sent me.  I shall waste no time reading it.’   Winston Churchill

And finally

‘From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter – someday I intend reading it.’ Groucho Marx

 

If nations wrote a book about Elephants:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Chinese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have one of Shakespeare’s works?’

‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’

The man replies, ‘William.’

 

A writer sent his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, ‘None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.’

The publisher sent back the book with a note saying, ‘That’s what’s wrong with it.’

 

Writer to critic, ‘So what’s your opinion of my book?’

Critic, ‘It’s worthless.’

Writer, ‘I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.’

 

The English literature students thought reading Melville's Billy Budd would be an easy task because the novel is only 90 pages long. One boy, however, complained that the text was heavy and hard to comprehend.
"Hey," another student suggested, "maybe you should try reading Budd Light."

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

 

And finally:
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

Advanced English JOW #902

I have an English words theme this week.  (I should have made it on frustration, after trying to put on my shoes and socks in the presence of an adorable puppy who thinks foot gear make the best play toys ever.  Watch for the posted video.

English has more words than any other language, though no one is quite sure how many words it has.  Do you count tenses as different words? What about gerunds? And to plurals make a new word?  Then there are the problems with words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. 

Here are a few (I hope) humorous examples:

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so fall that it had to refuse more refuse.

He could lead if he could get the lead out.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

They were too close to the doors to close it.

A buck does funny things when the does are in season.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

I had to subject the subject to more tests.

            English can be challenging.

Remember, there is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither apples nor pine in a pineapple.  Guinea pigs are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs. 

And why don’t grocers, groce?  Or hammers ham? 

Plurals in English can drive you crazy, too.

One mouse – two mice.  One goose – two geese. So one moose – two meese?

One chair – two chairs.  One hair – so is a head of hair one really big one?

I can make amends but not one amend. 

Tenses can make me tense. 

For example, if teachers taught why don’t preachers 'prought'?

Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Why do our noses run and feet smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing while a wise guy and a wise man are opposites?  Why are the stars out when they are visible but when the lights are out it is dark?

How does your house burn up as it is burning down?  Why do you fill out a form by filling it in? And alarms go off when they go on.

And as for pronunciation, here is part of an old poem.  Try and speak it aloud if you dare.

Be careful how you speak

Say bread and stake and bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low;

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, and aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war, and far.

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Blood and flood are not like food.

Try viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

Your pronunciation is okay,

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve.

Clamor and enamor both rhyme with hammer.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger.

Neither does devour with clangor.

It’s all very confusing.

Mary Ellen sent us some old words that I think should make a comeback:

Fudgel – Pretending to work while actually doing nothing

Groke – Someone who stares at you while you eat, hoping you’ll share

Shivviness - The uncomfortable feeling of wearing new underwear

Peg Puff – A young woman with the manners of an old one

Dysania – Extreme difficulty getting out of bed in the morning

Perendinate – To put off until the day after tomorrow.

Kikistocracy – Government by the least qualified or worse people

Uhtceare – Lying awake and worrying about the day ahead.

Abligurition – Spending lavish amounts of money on food

Slugabed – A person who stays in bed after the proper time to get up. (My mom used this one.)

Grufeling – to lie wrapped up and in a comfortable manner

Philogrobilized – Having a hangover but without admitting to drinking

Grumbletonians – People who are angry or unhappy with the government

Smollygoster – A shrewd, unprincipled person, especially a politician

Twattling – Gossiping idly about unimportant things.

Ultracrepidarian – Someone who gives opinions on subjects they know nothing about.

Callipygian – Having beautiful, well-shaped buttocks

Frobly-mobly   - Neither well nor unwell

Cacoethes – Irresistible urge to do something inadvisable

And here is an actual joke – sort of:

Freddy Fish and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and did everything together. One day, though, both perished in a freak mishap. Freddy Fish went to heaven, and immediately looked around for his best friend. Not finding him, he asked St. Peter where Sam was.

"Sorry, he didn't make it in."

"You mean he's down there?" asked Freddy.

"Yes."

"Well, I want to go see him!"

"This is highly unorthodox," said St. Peter. "I'll ask the big guy."

Moments later St. Peter returned and said:

"You can go, but you can only stay for one hour."

"Great!" said Freddy, and grabbed his harp before anyone changed their minds. He went to the elevator, and went down.

When the elevator doors opened, Freddy saw a huge sign:

SAM'S DISCOTHEQUE

He went in, and discovered that it was run by his old friend. They sat down and reminisced about old times, and had a few drinks. Time flew by, and when Freddy noticed his watch, he saw that he had fifteen seconds left to return. He jumped out of his chair, yelled a goodbye to Sam Clam, and raced to the elevator.

The elevator doors opened in heaven with only one second to spare. St. Peter was standing there with a stopwatch.

"You just barely made it," said St. Peter.

"I know," panted Freddy, out of breath. "But I have to go back there!"

"What do you mean!?!" asked an incredulous St. Peter.

So Freddy Fish burst into song:

"I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

Finally, just as I was going to press:

Elon Musk is going to launch his personal car into an orbit around the sun with great fanfare.

My wife sniffed – “I already have a car that is in orbit around the sun.”