Red Hot JOW #1334

 Summer is the traditional time for vacations and long, lazy days.  It is also the time when Tom has to stay inside in the air conditioning.  It is hot everywhere right now, but it will be hot here for another three months.  And it is very hot here.  It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF.  With that in mind, here are some jokes about how warm things are here and all over the world with some 4^th of July stuff included.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

 

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

What do Transformers do when it gets hot?

They put on a tank top.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

  

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2026”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

If you are looking for a hot date, any day in July or August will do

 

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery schoolteacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.' 

 

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
“Get in the boat, men!”

 

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filter it, then we take out the harmful minerals, then we put it through some chemical process, and then we drink it. Only around here, people call it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

Tom: What do you do?

Jim: I am into Global prosthetics distribution.
Tom: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Jim: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

And finally, another old off topic joke.

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern and wait for the first wreck.”

 

Independent JOW #1333

 This is Independence Day weekend with the Forth of July this Saturday, marking the 250^th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.  I am so old that I remember the 199^th celebration of July 4th in Independence Square in Philadelphia.  There were few people there.  We forget how low patriotic feelings were back in 1975.  Believe it or not, things are better now.  I intend to enjoy the 4^th of July this year, although I think I will eschew the traditional American habit of celebrating the holiday by drinking and handling explosives.  Ya’ll have fun out there but be safe.

 

We are going to celebrate Independence Day!

For those that don't know their history, this was the day in 1996 that Will Smith saved the world

 

Last 4th I remember watching the fireworks on the TV.

In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best place to light them

 

Steps to take the best fireworks video

Step 1: Reconsider; because absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

 

What's a favorite game as a resident of Chicago?

"Gunshots or Fireworks?"

 

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

 

As much as I love fireworks there is a problem.

I just blow through them

 

Fireworks have been really popular in 2020.

Sales have skyrocketed.

 

What do you get when you cross a small dinosaur and fireworks?

Dino-mite.

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

The United States is now a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases.

 

Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.

When was the first Brexit celebrated?
On July 4, 1776.

 

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

 

What is the difference between George Washington and a duck?

One has his face on a bill, the other has a bill on his face.

 

Why aren’t there any Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?

Because freedom rings!

 

Why did the British cross the Atlantic

To get to the other side.

 

Did you hear about the young sheep that fell down a hill while watching fireworks?

It was a lambslide.

 

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom of the paper

 

What’s the best way to celebrate the Fourth of July?

With a little indepen-dance.

 

What did the Founding Fathers wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts.

 

Besides the U.S.A., what other countries have July 4?

All of them.

What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?

The Star-Spangled Banner.

 

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

 

What rock group has four men but doesn’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

 

It's the 4th of July night and some good old boys are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking beer and eating s’mores and just generally having a grand ol' time,  One of the men named Washington put one of his friends called Lincoln on the spot.
Washington: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
Lincoln: "What now? What thing?"
Washington: "Lincoln, do the thing! The speech! You know, the thing!!!!"

Lincoln: "Ohhh, yeah, the speech. Yeah, that thing. Nah, I can't. Can't remember the words."
Washington: "Whaddya mean you can't remember the words??? It's the speech; you've said it a million times!!! You've got that like burned in your brain, right?!!"
Lincoln: “Well, yeah, normally, sure, I've got it memorized, but that was four s'mores and seven beers ago!"

 

The old priest, Father William, made it a point to attend the parish school once a week.
He entered the fourth-grade class, where the students were studying the states, and asked how many states they could name. They came up with roughly forty different names. Father William joked that students in his day knew the names of all the states.
“Yes, sir”, answered one young man, “but there were a lot fewer states back then.”

 

Changing pace a bit:

Wife: ‘Maturing in marriage is realizing when your husband says he would do anything for you he means fighting dragons and stuff.  Not folding clothes and washing dishes.’

Huband: ‘Have you been attacked by a dragon since we got married?’

There’s this coroner’s assistant who is told he has to work on Independence Day due to the large number of bodies awaiting autopsies.
When questioned about it, the assistant stated, “It’s the Fourth of July. I’ll be given double time, and like any other holiday, I will get to crack open a cold one.”

Dick is introduced to an author at a party. ‘My last book was terribly difficult,’ the author says. ‘It took me over six years to complete.’

‘I can sympathize,’ replies Dick. ‘I’m a slow reader myself.’

 

And finally,

American authorities apprehend a Russian spy using the codename “Joe Smith.” Agent Perry, an official, confronts him in an interrogation chamber.
“I don’t understand why I’m being interrogated,” Smith says.
“Drop the act, Smith, assuming that’s even your true name.” We know you’re a spy from another country!”
“WHAT?” says Smith. No! I’m a true American; I know all fifty states, US territories, and their capitals!”

“We know you’re a spy!” says Perry.
“You’re all wrong!” says Smith. “I can name all 46 Presidents of the United States in chronological sequence, and their Vice Presidents.”
“Now we are certain you’re a spy!” says Perry.
Smith: “OK, I admit it, I’m a Russian agent with a false identity. But how could you tell that?”
“Because Americans don’t know any of those things,” Perry says.

Robot JOW #1332

 There has been a lot of discussion lately about artificial intelligence which led me to thinking about robots.  They are everywhere but no longer look like Robbie the Robot.  They are disguised as automobiles or little circular vacuum cleaners.  Here are a few jokes more or less about robots and artificial intelligence in general.

 

Scientists have proof of a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

 

What is a robot’s favorite dance?
The Roomba.

 

Where do baby robotic vacuums come from?
The Woomba.

 

What do you feed a hungry robot?

Mega-bites.

 

Did you hear about the baby robot’s first word? “Data!”

 

Why can’t AI replace managers?
It’s not designed to be useless.

 

If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it…
Scandinavian.

 

I got a new robot dog last week.
Its name is Dogmatic.

 

What name should you never call a robot?
Rusty.

 

I finally fulfilled my dream to become a half-cyborg!
It did cost me an arm and a leg, though.

 

What’s a robot’s favorite food?
Microchips.

 

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day, and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

 

Judge: "So, Mr. Robot. Your neighbor accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plea?"
Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged."

 

A robot tried to rob a bank but was caught when its battery died.

Police have no plan to charge the suspect.

 

How do robots pay for things?
With cache.

 

What do you call a robot in a boat?
A row-bot.

 

What do you call a robot in a boat?
A row-bot

 

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs.

 

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

 

Nike just announced it will now be using robots instead of children to make shoes.

Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children.

 

An analog robot was asked what gender it was.

It said it was non-binary.

 

What does a robot say when it has to use the restroom?

Peepoop.

 

What sound does a robot frog make?

Rivet Rivet

 

I just saw a robot charging itself

It was re-volting!

 

An AI algorithm walks into a bar and says:
“I’ll have what everyone else is having.”

 

 I tried dating a sex bot, but she was too high maintenance.

 

Which kind of robot transforms into a tractor?

A trans-farmer.

 

What do you call a pirate droid?

Argh2-D2 

 

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

‘Cause Botswana.

 

What do you call an invisible droid?

C-through-P0.

 

What happened when they shut down the robot highway?

You take the R2-Detour

 

Did you hear about the writing robot who combined six Russian novels into one big novel?
It's a long story.

 

What do you call a robot that converts men to Sikhism?
The Turbanator.

 

Why don’t robots have any brothers?
They all have transisters.

 

What do you call robots that switch genders?
Transformers.

 

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress
But he wasn't so successful in doing so.
The error message read:
Error: failed to establish connection with server.

 

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day, he did his job without missing a beat. One day, though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that…
Turns out he had become shelf aware.

A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.

A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".

 

Here are some robotic knock knock jokes

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Art.

Art who?

R2D2

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Anne.

Anne who?

Anne Droid

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Si.

Si who?

Cyborg

 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Art.
Art who?
Artificial intelligence!

 

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick up the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”

In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s son, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, and their neighbor’s son.

The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!?”

The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”

 

And finally, an off topic ending.

An old man passed away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness

His wife called the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answered "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."

 

FIFA JOW #1331

 Television is just full of the FIFA World Cup these days.  Like most Americans I watch soccer. Once every four years.  Briefly.  Each time I do I come away with the same impression: soccer is boring.  But it does somehow entrance most of the sporting world.  It was easy to find a bunch of jokes about such a ridiculous sport and America’s response to it.  Here are a few for your amusement.

 

Did you hear about the Hydration Break in each half of the games?
That came at just the right time because many Americans were beginning to panic that they hadn’t seen an ad for over 20 minutes.

 

Did you hear that Canada’s Professional Soccer team has made it to the FIFA World Cup?
It’s too bad, eh, that their parents couldn’t afford hockey equipment when they were growing up.

 

Footballing nations are afraid to face the US in the Group or Playoff stages.
No one wants to pay 100% tariffs for winning a World Cup match.

 

Ladies: If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.
There’s only a 1/11 chance that they’re a keeper.

 

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?
Five World Cups.

 

The England team visited an orphanage in the USA today.
“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Little Johnny, age 6.

 

Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer World Cup game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think it over.”

 

Have you heard about Iran’s national football team?
They’re Shi’ite.

 

Where’s the best place in the US to shop for a World Cup football jersey?
New Jersey!

 

What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup?
Turn off the PlayStation.

 

What do you call an Englishman at the World Cup 2026 final?
A referee.

 

What philosopher won Greece the world cup?
Soccerates.

 

Why don’t grasshoppers watch the FIFA World Cup?
They watch cricket instead.

 

Who did the Saudis beat in order to qualify for the World Cup 2026?

Their wives.

 

Why can’t Indians play football?
Because every time they get a corner they build a shop.

 

I'm rooting for Switzerland in the World Cup.

I don't know much about the team, but their flag is a big plus.

 

Breaking World Cup News.

Ivan Toney has denied that the recent betting allegations cost him a place in the England Squad and states he is disappointed he will not be involved in tomorrow’s 2-2 draw with Iran..

 

Who is a pirate’s favorite team at the world cup?

Ahrr-gentina

 

Canada is sending a strong team to the World Cup.

Unfortunately, it's the drinking team.

 

The finals of the World Cup is like cows on an airplane.

The steaks have never been higher.

 

What do a kitten, a donkey, and the world cup have in common?

If they get together. Catastrophe!

 

If Scotland reaches the World Cup final, tickets for all the matches will cost fans over $20,000. You can earn this money between now and then by betting a fiver on Scotland reaching the World Cup final.

 

Here are some people’s thoughts about soccer teams:

·        Brazil plays soccer like it’s an art form.

·        Brazilian fans treat every match like the actual fate of humanity.

·        If Brazil scores early, the announcers start preparing the documentary

·        Fans of England are the most optimistic people on Earth.

·        England treats penalty kicks like horror movies.

·        England entering every World Cup: “This is our year.”

·        Every World Cup creates millions of temporary soccer superfans in America.

·        Americans only understand stoppage time when their team is losing.

·        Mexico fans bring more energy than the entire stadium sound systems.

·        Every Mexico match feels one goal away from absolute madness.

·        Soccer players are the only people who get hurt and immediately check if the referee noticed.

·        Soccer announcers can stretch one goal into a 14-minute documentary.

 

I like watching the World Cup even though I don’t know anything about football

Sitting on the couch with a cold beer and watch those millionaires running themselves to half death just to entertain me makes me feel important.

 

Every time I watch soccer I try to get in the spirit

When watching Tunisia I had a kebab,

Panama I treated myself to a cigar,

Belgium I pulled out the chocolates,

I can’t wait for the Colombia game!

 

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out to eat.

 

Son: Dad, why is my sister’s name Rose?

Me: Because your mom loves roses.
Son: What about me?
Me: It's a long story, young World Cup Soccer

 

A man said to my doctor, “Can you help? Every night, I dream about monkeys playing football. It’s all I ever dream about. Every night, monkeys playing football.”
The doctor said, “That’s odd. Here are some tablets, they’ll stop the dreams. Start taking them tonight.”
The man said, “Can I start tomorrow night?”
“Why?”
“Tonight’s the final”.

 

And finally, one not about the World Cup.

One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?"
Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know."
The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?"
Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a stupid pig?"!

 

Hard Driving JOW #1330

 I will be on my last road trip all the rest of this week and for much of the next, so you may not see my jokes next week.  Thinking about my long upcoming drive to Florida and North Carolina led me to generate some jokes about travel and travelling.  Well mostly about that.  Enjoy.

 

What do you call it when data goes on a difficult car journey?

A hard drive

 

What’s the best way to travel with young kids?

Not to.

 

What travels around the world but stays in a corner.

A stamp.

 

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

 

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

 

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

 

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

 

Missouri’s new travel slogan.

Missouri Loves Company

 

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.

 

What do a group of whales listen to on long journeys?

Podcasts.

 

Why shouldn’t you fly on Peter Pan Airlines?

They Neverland.

 

Did you read about my hiking vacation in the mountains?

I’ll summit up nicely.

 

Why don’t photons have checked bags?

They travel light.

 

What’s a hamster’s favorite travel destination?

Hamster-dam.

 

 What’s a sheep’s favorite destination?

The Baa-hamas.

 

Which country has the most germs?

Germany.

 

What makes camping challenging?

It’s in tents.

 

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.  (Say it out loud)

 

Why is *traveled* spelled *travelled* by the British?

Because they traveled home with that *L* after the Revolution 1783.

 

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

 

My first time travelling by air was from a magnolia tree to the ground

 

An ant travelled across the Mexico into USA..

It's now import-ant.

 

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

 

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so we've had to delay departure until we can locate a new pilot."

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."

 

And finally,

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however, cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she wants. As she is about to leave in embarrassment, she comes upon an idea. She points at her breasts and quacks.  The butcher understands, giving her the duck breast. On the next day, seeing how the previous day turned out, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get chicken legs. When she gets there, after a bit of thinking, raises her skirt and points at her thighs and goes ‘cluck, cluck’. The butcher gets the message and gives her the chicken legs. On the next day, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get sausages. Unable to think of anything, she decides to bring her husband to the butcher with her.
Upon arriving, the husband says, "I would like some sausages please".

 

(Of course.  What else were you thinking?)

 

Sleepy JOW #1329

 Normally, I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.  Lately, I find I have not been getting a good night’s sleep.  My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I forgot to do.  So now I take my naps very seriously.  I hope you will NOT take these jokes about sleeping that way.

 

The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea

I can’t sleep at all with that thing on my face.

 

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

 

Dear sleep: please come back. I’m sorry about last night.

 

Insomnia is like a bad guest—it arrives uninvited and stays too long.

 

I lost sleep worrying about losing sleep.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Sleep is the safest form of time travel.  You wake up and it’s tomorrow.

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Sleeping: the art of doing nothing well.

 

Adulting: staying awake past 9 p.m. now feels almost illegal.

 

Coffee is just a sleep postponement method.

 

I nap so I can survive my responsibilities.

 

Sleep: the unpaid vacation I deserve.

 

I tried rocking my young grandson to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Led Zeppelin fan.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore.

 

Actually, getting awakened with a kiss is a good thing.  Well, unless you are in prison.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me (that my wife has heard) that are untrue.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She damn near poked my eye out.

 

Before I went to sleep last night.

I put my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 in its place.
It must have been the Bluetooth Fairy.

 

The dad told his daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”  

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime.”

 

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when my kid cries in the middle of the night

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, although this is not recommended for people with goldfish.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

Kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

Dad: "Why not?"
Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
Dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes, I see it!"
Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

I was asked, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” was not the correct answer.

 

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman and said,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”
Not to be outdone, after a moment of silence he farted.

 

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."