Jumbled JOW #1344

I like to have a theme for my jokes of the week.  I tend to remember jokes by subject, so having a theme helps. 

BTW, if you need jokes on a topic I have a web page listing my JOWs.  Here is the link:    https://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/4189613065377812203

It only goes back to 2008, but there are a bunch of jokes there. Feel free to use them. 

Here are a few unrelated jokes that I have rattling around my brain.  Enjoy.

 

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear.

 

The blue whale is so big that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be canceled.

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

 

The book 'I, Robot' is about sentient robots, but did you know it has a sequel about sentient submarines?

It's called 'U, boat'

 

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the Rings - I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small-scale operation

 

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

 

If a woman heard trumpets indicating Christ’s return and most would frantically begin cleaning the house.

 

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer. Plus, it’s fun to look around the laundromat and try to guess who they belong to.

 

A family man is called to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled.

To which she replied, "No. We just have regular pornography, you pervert."

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted

 

I never go me a round tuit so I am getting a custom tuit

 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane

 

If it weren't for the police and the laws of physics I would be unstoppable

 

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

 

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

 

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Which is a shame, because I was hoping to use it as a book title.

 

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

“My doctor says I should quit drinking.”

“That will be a major change in your life.”

“I know.  He has been my doctor for ten years.”

 

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles

Of course, an octopus only has eight

The other two were test-teckles.

 

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

 

I had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for two weeks.

 

At my funeral, I want somebody to throw one of the bouquets of flowers to the crowd of mourners and see who catches it.

 

Remember when the words ‘truth’ and ‘facts’ didn’t need ampersands around them?

 

For a lot of people, a penny for your thoughts is overpriced.

 

A man went to a tobacconist to purchase some fine cigar only to discover that it was now a clothing store. 

Clothes, but no cigar.

 

What’s the difference between a jungle cat who wrote a PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that include butterflies and moths?
One’s a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other’s a lepidopteral taxonomy.

 

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free.

Tit for tat

 

A teenaged boy bought a pack of condoms for the first time…
He saw the price was $10, but when he went to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“Why the extra 65 cents about?” He asks.

 “It’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”

 

“Halt!” shouted the drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot.

“Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts.” 

 

At a local match between two European soccer teams a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker.’

And to wrap it up

A woman had seven dogs. Her husband was sick of having so many dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!
But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a cute little dog she just had to have.
"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so relieved to find out it's not an infidelity; he won't care about dog number eight"
She called him up at his hotel.
"Honey," she said, "we have to talk. You've got to forgive me, I don't want this to be the end of our marriage, but you're gone so often, and I just got lonely, and I've been working so hard, and the combination of being tired and being lonely, I mean, I just got weak, honey! I just got weak! Really, I didn't mean to hurt you! You've got to forgive me, honey! You've got to forgive me! Please, honey, please!"
He says:
"Don't tell me you bought another dog."

 

Published JOW #1343

 As most of you know I write books.  My last novel, Jac and the Princess, a sword and romance novel was well received.  My publisher just released my latest book, Sir Jac and the Queen.  It is obviously a sequel to my earlier book with both my protagonists moving up in the world.  My wife Ruth also illustrated this one.  It is available with either color or black and white illustrations.  To order a copy, just go to Amazon and type in ‘Sir Jac and the Queen’, or ‘Thos Pinney’ and you can order your very own copy in hardcover, softcover, or Kindle. 

In acknowledgement of my new book, my jokes this week are mostly about books and publishing.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Publishing is the only industry where “getting a rejection” means you’re making progress.

 

My book was accepted for publication, but the editor asked me to cut 80,000 words. Apparently, “Once upon a time” was too much setup.

 

An author, an editor, and a proofreader walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Please keep it under 80,000 words.”

 

I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life

 

I shoved my manuscript between my thighs and walked away with my tale between my legs

 

Publishing a book is easy: write it, revise it, submit it, wait six months, and pretend the rejection email didn’t hurt.

 

The librarian asked me “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to over due it.”

 

After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on growing herbs.

It's about Thyme.

 

I recently read a book about the Black Death

I am afraid the author was guilty of plaguerism.

 

"I bought a self-published book from my friend that's truly awful," said my wife.

"That's mean," I replied. "I'm sure she's actually a nice person."

 

I found a recently published book by my favorite author; he’s been dead for years.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

 

There is a new way of publishing jokes. You can now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odor.  From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humor.

 

After many years, my father finally got his book, "Important Moments in Hydroelectric Power" published.  It’s about dam time.

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

A student asked why is ‘War and Peace’ so thick?"

His teacher told him “It’s a long story"

 

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, but I mean, it’s hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I've been reading a book on pet euthanasia.

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

 

Someone stole my thesaurus today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

 

A book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

 

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

 

What's the difference between a math book and a chemistry book?

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

 

Recently I read a book called The Anticlimax.

The second part was disappointing

 

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?
Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.

 

My neighbor just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

 

I found a book at the bookstore which said "How to solve 50% of your problems"

So, I bought two

 

Did you hear about the dog that writes books? Probably not, all he has is a ruff draft.

 

Writers are always cold because they’re surrounded by so many drafts.  One time, my teacher said, “Name two pronouns.” I answered, “Who, me?”

Can we all agree to leave writing poetry to the prose?

 

I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship.  He was always getting hung up on little things and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

 

Here are a few related grammar jokes:

 

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

 

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

 And to wrap things up

On his 75th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more virile than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

App ropriate JOW #1342

 Applications are a major feature of our modern digital world.  Apps are everywhere and are almost always annoying.  Why do I need to have a different app to park in every little town? I loathe restaurants where you have to scan an icon to open the menu on your phone.  What is next, an app to use elevators? Restrooms? I used to hear that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until I got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremely high prices for it once I got addicted.  Looking at the App Store on my phone, I think all those drug dealers turned into app developers. 

Let me stop ranting and provide you with some jokes about apps.

 

There is an app that lets you know which of your friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

 

App store motto: “Helping you procrastinate more efficiently since day one.”

 

 Social media apps are like a magician—they make your free time disappear!

 

“You’ve reached your daily limit of procrastination. Consider this your digital time-out.”

 

What's captain hook's least favorite app?

Tiktok

 

What do you call an app for shopping for bras?

Brawser

 

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.

 

A grandfather thinks TikTok is an app used to tell time.

It kind of is, because that definitely tells us how old he is.

 

Amazon needs a new app

An audio book app with videos of sign language.

We’ll call it   "inAudible".

 

Social media apps have the best memory—they remind you of embarrassing posts from years ago.

 

There’s a new video app for people with no parents, it’s called OrFans.

 

What is Harry Potter’s favorite new app?

Spellcheck

 

Shopping apps are like magicians—they make your money disappear with just a tap.

 

There are too many gadgets on these new cars.  I just wanted to reverse, and all it is showing me is a video of someone getting run over.

 

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander.

It keeps draining my battery.

 

My banking app isn't working!

I called their customer support, and they said we can try deleting your cache!
I was like hell no!

 

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because she doesn’t believe in love at first site

 

I asked my app out, but it said it needed more space.

 

And of course there are dating apps.

I’ve decided to launch a brand-new dating app exclusively for Paleontologists.

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’.  Or maybe “Cinder”

 

Dating apps can be confusing.  Apparently "must be an animal lover" can mean something else entirely.

 

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

 

Women on dating apps must be giving me compliments all the time

I keep hearing: “You are unmatched"

 

What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder

 

What dating app is exclusively for people working in bars

BarTinder

 

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...

You don't have toupee.

 

What's the most popular dating app?

Google calendar

 

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

 

They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people.  Okay, but which people?  Because it matters quite a lot.

 

A woman was going out on a blind date and was nervous about it.  Her roommate told her about this phone app.

"It's called “Mom! Are you OK?” it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring, and the display will say MOM. So, if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away, and then when the phone goes you can pick it up and say 'Mom! Are you OK?' and there's your excuse for you to leave."
So the downloaded it and went off on her date.  About an hour later she returned to her apartment looking upset.

Her roommate asked, "Hi, how did it go?"
"Awful!" she wailed. "I'd only been there fifteen minutes.  I thought it was going great, and then his phone rang and he answered it and he said 'Mom! Are you OK?' "

And finally

Two yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily obliges. “Wow, you’re really tall! You must be like, 3.3 times my height!” said the American Yeti. European Yeti, the preening male that he is, thanks American Yeti for the compliment and thinks nothing of it. He shrugs off the “3.3 times my height” remark as a mis approximation, assuming that American Yeti's mathematical skills have been addled from juggling too many yards, inches, pounds, and ounces.
Now, a quirk of this dating app is that no names are displayed on the outset- a security measure against would be Instagram stalkers, one supposes. American Yeti and European Yeti, now wanting to take the next step together, agree to exchange phone numbers and names. American Yeti told European Yeti her name was Bigfoot.

“What’s your name?” asks Bigfoot.
“Bigmeter”

 

Weigh Funny JOW #1341

It is safe to say that many of us are at least a little overweight.  There is a lot of interest in a wide variety of plans and techniques to help us slim down.  Here are some jokes about that effort.

 

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said, "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

 

I unfriended an overweight friend on Snapchat.

My phone gained a gigabyte of storage back.

 

What do you call an overweight cross-dresser?

Trans fat.

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee.

He didn't work out

 

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

 

I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.

Smoking promotes weight loss…..eventually

 

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

 

Homeopathy weight loss tip:
Drink diluted water.

 

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

 

An overweight man listened with interest to a surgeon who promised that his operation would make him lose a lot of weight.

 The man, interested, said to the surgeon. “Please, enlighten me”

 

If you find a snakeskin, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger

Same thing if you find my clothes at Goodwill

 

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

 

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

 

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

 

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

 

My doctor told me I'm overweight,

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

 

I was in a hotel the other week and the phone next to my bed rang - they said “Hi, it’s reception - it’s 7am and you’re quite overweight for your age”.

I’ll tell you, it was a wake-up call.

 

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

 

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

 

New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!

 

A woman too fat so they sent her to a weight loss camp....

A man had ADHD, so they're sent him to a concentration camp

 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

 

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to snack if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

 

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

 

Newspaper ad:

Needed: identical twin sisters with large difference in weight, for advertising a weight loss program.

 

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

 

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

 

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

 

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"
"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

 

A doctor saw an obese woman to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively said, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replied, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

 

Around 40 years ago, I lost 160 pounds in one day.
Yea, I divorced her

 

An overweight time traveler goes to ancient Rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. To fix his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:
Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?
Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?

 

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

And finally

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

 

Hot Dog JOW #1340

Every year at about this time I do a set of jokes related to the Dog Days of Summer.  I know these brutally hot days are named after Sirius not canines, but it gives me a reason for jokes about Man’s Best Friend. 

 

“Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog it is too dark to read” -Groucho Marx

 

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears trousers, a dog pants.

 

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

 

I used a spot remover on my dog.....
He disappeared

 

My dog and I share a therapist – it’s called walking

 

Dogs have owners, cats have staff

 

How can you be sure that you have a slow dog?
It chases parked cars

Husband: It is raining cats and dogs now
Wife: That is ok, so long as it doesn't reindeer.

 

What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
Well, one of them wags his tail and the other tags his whales.

 

Why can't you tell Knock Knock jokes to a dog?

Me: Knock Knock

Dog: "bark, bark, bark"

 

List if 10 worst dog breeds

1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas

 

A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today.
Police are looking for leads.

 

I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

 

I told my shrink I identify as a dog

He made me get off the couch

 

What is a terrible name for a dog.

Yes. Yes it is.

 

My Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog food now costing $2.99....

That's almost $21 in Dog money.

 

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

 

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

 

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....

 

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

 

What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy

 

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

 

And a few darker dog jokes:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it. It can’t come.

 

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

 

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

 

Where do you find a dog with out legs?

Right where you left him.

 

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

 

Where do you find a dog without legs?

Right where you left him.

 

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

 

I'll never forget my dog's last words to me.

"You've taken too much acid."

 

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup, and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examinations with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.
"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making their food. I had a big pot on the stove simmering and my husband came home and got big a ladle full and ate it. I told him it was for the dogs, but he said it was delicious and insisted that is what he wanted for dinner that night. Well, I make the dogs food every week and every time I make a new batch my husband eats it for dinner. I'm concerned about him eating the dog’s food."
The doctor proceeded to ask her what was in the dog's food and how it was prepared. After she describes in detail the ingredients and the preparation the doctor finally says "I don't think there is anything that can hurt him. I wouldn't encourage him to eat it but it sounds safe enough to eat.
A year goes by and the woman goes back to the doctor for her annual checkup. As was standard procedure the doctor sits down with the woman and discusses the test results. As he is going through her file he sees a note from the previous year regarding her husband's propensity to eat the dog food made by her. He asks her " So is your husband still eating the dog food you prepare?"
"Oh, no doctor, my husband died"
Oh, my lord I'm so sorry. It wasn't because of the dog food was it?
Well, not directly, no.
Not directly? What happened?
"Well", the lady said in a very sad and grief-stricken voice, " he got hit by a car when he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls."

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors’ male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."
"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose all interest in sex."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.

Sick, sick JOW #1339

The word ‘sick’ has taken on a new meaning lately.  Instead of meaning unwell or twisted it can now mean really cool and awesome…. You know, like me.  Since medicine has been on my mind this week I have some really 'sick] new jokes.  I hope they bring you some amusement.

 

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns…

I knew the end was in sight.

 

At the hospital where I checked in I noticed that apple pies cost $2, pumpkin pies $3 and blueberry pies $4.

Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

 

That’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello?

One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.

 

Hospital food: where flavor goes to take a nap.

 

The best hospital meal is the one you sneak in yourself.

 

Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU.

 

A man’s young son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.

When the dad asked how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”

 

Son: Mom, I’m in hospital but don’t worry everything is fine.

Mom: You’re a doctor now and this wasn’t funny the first time.

 

My pregnant wife called me at work and said, “Honey, I’m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

I got there as soon as I could and called her back, “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”

 

What’s the most common type of surgery performed at the Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

In college I dated an X-ray tech who I met after a short hospital stay.

To this day, I wonder what she saw in me.

 

The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

 

The police called to tell a man that his wife was in the hospital.

“How is she?” he asked.

“Very critical,” replied the officer.

“What’s she complaining about now?”

 

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

Another hour goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

Another hour passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”

His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

 

A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, “I have an appointment at 1:30.”

She replies, “Which doctor?”

The man says, “No thanks, just a regular doctor please.”

 

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?

The hip replacement guy.

 

Because of a clerical error at the hospital, they named both of our twin boys William.

They Billed us twice.

 

A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve amputated your arms.”

 

“Push harder,” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

“Screw you,” she yelled back at me.

A bit harsh I thought; it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.

 

My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital.

“Two EMTs?” I asked her. “Don’t you mean a pair o’ medics?”

 

I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink.

I’m currently at the hospital waiting to be seen.

 

A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen. No one tells me shit.”

And finally

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"
The doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the mental health ward?"
"Och no!" replies the orderly.
"...it's the Burns Unit!"