Robot JOW #1332

 There has been a lot of discussion lately about artificial intelligence which led me to thinking about robots.  They are everywhere but no longer look like Robbie the Robot.  They are disguised as automobiles or little circular vacuum cleaners.  Here are a few jokes more or less about robots and artificial intelligence in general.

 

Scientists have proof of a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

 

What is a robot’s favorite dance?
The Roomba.

 

Where do baby robotic vacuums come from?
The Woomba.

 

What do you feed a hungry robot?

Mega-bites.

 

Did you hear about the baby robot’s first word? “Data!”

 

Why can’t AI replace managers?
It’s not designed to be useless.

 

If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it…
Scandinavian.

 

I got a new robot dog last week.
Its name is Dogmatic.

 

What name should you never call a robot?
Rusty.

 

I finally fulfilled my dream to become a half-cyborg!
It did cost me an arm and a leg, though.

 

What’s a robot’s favorite food?
Microchips.

 

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day, and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

 

Judge: "So, Mr. Robot. Your neighbor accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plea?"
Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged."

 

A robot tried to rob a bank but was caught when its battery died.

Police have no plan to charge the suspect.

 

How do robots pay for things?
With cache.

 

What do you call a robot in a boat?
A row-bot.

 

What do you call a robot in a boat?
A row-bot

 

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs.

 

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

 

Nike just announced it will now be using robots instead of children to make shoes.

Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children.

 

An analog robot was asked what gender it was.

It said it was non-binary.

 

What does a robot say when it has to use the restroom?

Peepoop.

 

What sound does a robot frog make?

Rivet Rivet

 

I just saw a robot charging itself

It was re-volting!

 

An AI algorithm walks into a bar and says:
“I’ll have what everyone else is having.”

 

 I tried dating a sex bot, but she was too high maintenance.

 

Which kind of robot transforms into a tractor?

A trans-farmer.

 

What do you call a pirate droid?

Argh2-D2 

 

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

‘Cause Botswana.

 

What do you call an invisible droid?

C-through-P0.

 

What happened when they shut down the robot highway?

You take the R2-Detour

 

Did you hear about the writing robot who combined six Russian novels into one big novel?
It's a long story.

 

What do you call a robot that converts men to Sikhism?
The Turbanator.

 

Why don’t robots have any brothers?
They all have transisters.

 

What do you call robots that switch genders?
Transformers.

 

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress
But he wasn't so successful in doing so.
The error message read:
Error: failed to establish connection with server.

 

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day, he did his job without missing a beat. One day, though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that…
Turns out he had become shelf aware.

A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.

A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".

 

Here are some robotic knock knock jokes

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Art.

Art who?

R2D2

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Anne.

Anne who?

Anne Droid

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Si.

Si who?

Cyborg

 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Art.
Art who?
Artificial intelligence!

 

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick up the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”

In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s son, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, and their neighbor’s son.

The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!?”

The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”

 

And finally, an off topic ending.

An old man passed away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness

His wife called the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answered "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."

 

FIFA JOW #1331

 Television is just full of the FIFA World Cup these days.  Like most Americans I watch soccer. Once every four years.  Briefly.  Each time I do I come away with the same impression: soccer is boring.  But it does somehow entrance most of the sporting world.  It was easy to find a bunch of jokes about such a ridiculous sport and America’s response to it.  Here are a few for your amusement.

 

Did you hear about the Hydration Break in each half of the games?
That came at just the right time because many Americans were beginning to panic that they hadn’t seen an ad for over 20 minutes.

 

Did you hear that Canada’s Professional Soccer team has made it to the FIFA World Cup?
It’s too bad, eh, that their parents couldn’t afford hockey equipment when they were growing up.

 

Footballing nations are afraid to face the US in the Group or Playoff stages.
No one wants to pay 100% tariffs for winning a World Cup match.

 

Ladies: If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.
There’s only a 1/11 chance that they’re a keeper.

 

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?
Five World Cups.

 

The England team visited an orphanage in the USA today.
“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Little Johnny, age 6.

 

Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer World Cup game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think it over.”

 

Have you heard about Iran’s national football team?
They’re Shi’ite.

 

Where’s the best place in the US to shop for a World Cup football jersey?
New Jersey!

 

What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup?
Turn off the PlayStation.

 

What do you call an Englishman at the World Cup 2026 final?
A referee.

 

What philosopher won Greece the world cup?
Soccerates.

 

Why don’t grasshoppers watch the FIFA World Cup?
They watch cricket instead.

 

Who did the Saudis beat in order to qualify for the World Cup 2026?

Their wives.

 

Why can’t Indians play football?
Because every time they get a corner they build a shop.

 

I'm rooting for Switzerland in the World Cup.

I don't know much about the team, but their flag is a big plus.

 

Breaking World Cup News.

Ivan Toney has denied that the recent betting allegations cost him a place in the England Squad and states he is disappointed he will not be involved in tomorrow’s 2-2 draw with Iran..

 

Who is a pirate’s favorite team at the world cup?

Ahrr-gentina

 

Canada is sending a strong team to the World Cup.

Unfortunately, it's the drinking team.

 

The finals of the World Cup is like cows on an airplane.

The steaks have never been higher.

 

What do a kitten, a donkey, and the world cup have in common?

If they get together. Catastrophe!

 

If Scotland reaches the World Cup final, tickets for all the matches will cost fans over $20,000. You can earn this money between now and then by betting a fiver on Scotland reaching the World Cup final.

 

Here are some people’s thoughts about soccer teams:

·        Brazil plays soccer like it’s an art form.

·        Brazilian fans treat every match like the actual fate of humanity.

·        If Brazil scores early, the announcers start preparing the documentary

·        Fans of England are the most optimistic people on Earth.

·        England treats penalty kicks like horror movies.

·        England entering every World Cup: “This is our year.”

·        Every World Cup creates millions of temporary soccer superfans in America.

·        Americans only understand stoppage time when their team is losing.

·        Mexico fans bring more energy than the entire stadium sound systems.

·        Every Mexico match feels one goal away from absolute madness.

·        Soccer players are the only people who get hurt and immediately check if the referee noticed.

·        Soccer announcers can stretch one goal into a 14-minute documentary.

 

I like watching the World Cup even though I don’t know anything about football

Sitting on the couch with a cold beer and watch those millionaires running themselves to half death just to entertain me makes me feel important.

 

Every time I watch soccer I try to get in the spirit

When watching Tunisia I had a kebab,

Panama I treated myself to a cigar,

Belgium I pulled out the chocolates,

I can’t wait for the Colombia game!

 

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out to eat.

 

Son: Dad, why is my sister’s name Rose?

Me: Because your mom loves roses.
Son: What about me?
Me: It's a long story, young World Cup Soccer

 

A man said to my doctor, “Can you help? Every night, I dream about monkeys playing football. It’s all I ever dream about. Every night, monkeys playing football.”
The doctor said, “That’s odd. Here are some tablets, they’ll stop the dreams. Start taking them tonight.”
The man said, “Can I start tomorrow night?”
“Why?”
“Tonight’s the final”.

 

And finally, one not about the World Cup.

One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?"
Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know."
The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?"
Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a stupid pig?"!

 

Hard Driving JOW #1330

 I will be on my last road trip all the rest of this week and for much of the next, so you may not see my jokes next week.  Thinking about my long upcoming drive to Florida and North Carolina led me to generate some jokes about travel and travelling.  Well mostly about that.  Enjoy.

 

What do you call it when data goes on a difficult car journey?

A hard drive

 

What’s the best way to travel with young kids?

Not to.

 

What travels around the world but stays in a corner.

A stamp.

 

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

 

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

 

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

 

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

 

Missouri’s new travel slogan.

Missouri Loves Company

 

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.

 

What do a group of whales listen to on long journeys?

Podcasts.

 

Why shouldn’t you fly on Peter Pan Airlines?

They Neverland.

 

Did you read about my hiking vacation in the mountains?

I’ll summit up nicely.

 

Why don’t photons have checked bags?

They travel light.

 

What’s a hamster’s favorite travel destination?

Hamster-dam.

 

 What’s a sheep’s favorite destination?

The Baa-hamas.

 

Which country has the most germs?

Germany.

 

What makes camping challenging?

It’s in tents.

 

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.  (Say it out loud)

 

Why is *traveled* spelled *travelled* by the British?

Because they traveled home with that *L* after the Revolution 1783.

 

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

 

My first time travelling by air was from a magnolia tree to the ground

 

An ant travelled across the Mexico into USA..

It's now import-ant.

 

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

 

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so we've had to delay departure until we can locate a new pilot."

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."

 

And finally,

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however, cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she wants. As she is about to leave in embarrassment, she comes upon an idea. She points at her breasts and quacks.  The butcher understands, giving her the duck breast. On the next day, seeing how the previous day turned out, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get chicken legs. When she gets there, after a bit of thinking, raises her skirt and points at her thighs and goes ‘cluck, cluck’. The butcher gets the message and gives her the chicken legs. On the next day, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get sausages. Unable to think of anything, she decides to bring her husband to the butcher with her.
Upon arriving, the husband says, "I would like some sausages please".

 

(Of course.  What else were you thinking?)

 

Sleepy JOW #1329

 Normally, I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.  Lately, I find I have not been getting a good night’s sleep.  My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I forgot to do.  So now I take my naps very seriously.  I hope you will NOT take these jokes about sleeping that way.

 

The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea

I can’t sleep at all with that thing on my face.

 

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

 

Dear sleep: please come back. I’m sorry about last night.

 

Insomnia is like a bad guest—it arrives uninvited and stays too long.

 

I lost sleep worrying about losing sleep.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Sleep is the safest form of time travel.  You wake up and it’s tomorrow.

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Sleeping: the art of doing nothing well.

 

Adulting: staying awake past 9 p.m. now feels almost illegal.

 

Coffee is just a sleep postponement method.

 

I nap so I can survive my responsibilities.

 

Sleep: the unpaid vacation I deserve.

 

I tried rocking my young grandson to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Led Zeppelin fan.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore.

 

Actually, getting awakened with a kiss is a good thing.  Well, unless you are in prison.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me (that my wife has heard) that are untrue.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She damn near poked my eye out.

 

Before I went to sleep last night.

I put my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 in its place.
It must have been the Bluetooth Fairy.

 

The dad told his daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”  

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime.”

 

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when my kid cries in the middle of the night

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, although this is not recommended for people with goldfish.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

Kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

Dad: "Why not?"
Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
Dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes, I see it!"
Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

I was asked, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” was not the correct answer.

 

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman and said,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”
Not to be outdone, after a moment of silence he farted.

 

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

Reading JOW #1328

My jokes this week remain about books and reading.  I was happy with the reception of my latest book ‘Jac and the Princess’ has received. Thanks to those of you who have bought a copy.  Don’t forget to post a review of the book if you like it.  If not, tell me what you did not like.  The follow-on book, Jac and the Queen is in production now and it is not too late to make changes.  Here are my jokes – I hope they entertain you.

 

My older sister always tore the last pages of my comic books and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

 

Look, I'm all for coloring books but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.

 

Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader.

 

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT ARE NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOC

·        Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

·        Charles Manson Bedtime Stories

·        Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

·        Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

·        The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

·        Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will

A list of unlikely authors and their books
• The French Chef
by Sue Flay
Secrets of the Mind
by Sarah Bellum
• Tight Situation
by Leah Tard
• Unemployed
by Anita Job
• Handel's Messiah
by Ollie Luyah
• Downpour!
by Wayne Dwops
• Cloning
by Ima Dubble
• Irish Flooring
by Lynn O'Leum
• Holmes Does it Again
by Scott Linyard
• Home Alone IV
by Eddie Buddyhome
• Neither a Borrower
by Nora Lender Bee
• The Scent of Sweat
by Jim Nasium
• French Overpopulation
by Francis Crowded
• Fallen Underwear
by Lucy Lastic
• House Construction for Amateurs
by Bill Jerome Home
• Lewis Carroll
by Alison Wonderland
• Leo Tolstoy
by Warren Peace
• The Coming Gas Crisis
by M. T. Tank
• Wind in the Willows
by Russell Ingleaves
• Look Younger
by Fay Slift
• No!
by Kurt Reply
• And Shut Up!
by Sid Downe
• 40 Yards to the Latrine
by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
• Tiny Bikini
by Seymore Skynn
• Yellow River
by I. P. Freely
• Sex on the Beach
by Sandy Shortz
•Taming Wild Cats

by Claude Face.

•All Aboard!

by Abel Seamann.
•The Worst Journey in the World

by Helen Back.
•Discipline in the Home

by Wilma Child-Begood.
•How to Diet Successfully

by M. T. Cupboard.
•My Years in a Lunatic Asylum

by I. M. Nutty.

•Grow Your Own Vegetables

by Rosa Carrotts.
•Take A Breather

by Justin Hale
•How to Become Famous

by Anonymous
•Rules for Philanthropy

 by Jenna Russ
•Where to Find Wildebeests

By Sara N. Getti
•Confessions of a Mental Patient

by Justin Sane

 

The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
The Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Vatican List of Celibate Priests
Cooking Gourmet Dishes with Tofu
The Englishman’s Guide to the Secrets of Rocmance

 

Here is a book knock knock joke.
Librarian: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie Thupp.
Kid: Winnie Thupp who?
Librarian: He's in the juvenile fiction, and so is Piglet!

A boy was spending too much time playing computer games, so

His father said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

 

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

 

A chicken runs into a library, goes to the main desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian hands the chicken a book and it tucks it under its wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the book on the desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, bok, boook.’ Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out with it. A few minutes later the chicken is back, and returns the book saying, ‘Boook, book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian gives the chicken a third book, but this time follows it as it runs out. The chicken runs down the street, through a park and down to the river where a frog is sitting on the bank. The chicken holds up the book to the frog, saying, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook’.

The frog replies, ‘Read-it, read-it, read-it…’

 

And my last joke is about when God decided it was time to send an angel to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, the angel finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, the angel thanks the man for stopping.
The angel: ‘Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.’
Man: ‘Don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.’
After a few minutes driving the man leans over,
Man: ‘Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?’
The angel: ‘Wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some.’
A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again,
Man: ‘Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one?’
The angel: ‘Sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.”
After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says,
Man: ‘Hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me?’
The angel pauses for a second and replies,
The angel: ‘Ya know what, why not!’
So the man and the angel drive down the road smoking the joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, the angel speaks up,
The angel:’ Okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m an angel! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!’
The man looks at the angel with a grin on his face and says, ‘Yeah, that joint was good sh1t, huh?’

 

Literary JOW #1327

 As many of you know, I write books as an expression of my artistic sensibility.  I was once asked, ‘I can't understand why you took a year to write a novel when you can buy one for a few bucks.’  Well, because it is fun.  I just published my latest book, Jac and the Princess, an easy reading novel set in a medieval fantasy world about a handsome young guardsman who has to rescue the Princess.   There is adventure, romance, and some humor.  I do not write literature; I write stories people enjoy reading.  The book is available now on Amazon in hardback, softback, or for Kindle.  Just go to the Amazon web page and type in either ‘Jac and the Princess’ or ‘Thos. Pinney’ and it will take you to the right spot.  You can also get books directly from me.  If you do that I will even sign it for you.  For that reason, my jokes this week are about books and authors. 

 

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s not important, let me tell you about my new book!

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

 

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. One writer to ask if it ‘really’ needs to be changed.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb

 

Some book quotes:

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- P.J. O’Rourke
If good books did good, the world would have been converted long ago.
- George Moore

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.  - Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed-reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.  - Franklin P. Jones

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
- Joseph Brodsky

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.  - Gilbert K. Chesterton

Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers. - Harry S Truman
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. - George Bernard Shaw

One advantage reading books has over TV is you can’t read books and do housework at the same time. - Melanie White

‘I read part of the book all the way through.’ Samuel Goldwyn

 ‘I just received the copy of the book you sent me.  I shall waste no time reading it.’   Winston Churchill

And finally

‘From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter – someday I intend reading it.’ Groucho Marx

 

If nations wrote a book about Elephants:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Chinese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have one of Shakespeare’s works?’

‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’

The man replies, ‘William.’

 

A writer sent his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, ‘None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.’

The publisher sent back the book with a note saying, ‘That’s what’s wrong with it.’

 

Writer to critic, ‘So what’s your opinion of my book?’

Critic, ‘It’s worthless.’

Writer, ‘I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.’

 

The English literature students thought reading Melville's Billy Budd would be an easy task because the novel is only 90 pages long. One boy, however, complained that the text was heavy and hard to comprehend.
"Hey," another student suggested, "maybe you should try reading Budd Light."

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

 

And finally:
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”