Bathroom humor JOW #933

I am always looking for a theme for my Jokes of the Week.  I mentioned I am having a bathroom renovated.  My friend Tor suggested that I use some bathroom jokes.  Poop Jokes are not my favorite but they are a solid #2.  There’s nothing worse than crappy humor. It usually tanks, and you want them to just put a lid on it.  Even so, some of the jokes this week are about the potty and associated activities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered,

“What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

There were no more lipstick mirror kisses
@@@@@

·         I saw one of the workers in my bathroom standing on the toilet; he was high on pot.

·         Toilet paper – what a rip off.

·         The poor accountant had constipation – he couldn’t budget.

·         What do you get if you cross a stuffed bear and a toilet?  Winnie the Pooh.

·         What is brown and sticky?  A stick

·         I call my bathroom Jim instead of John.  That way I feel better when I tell people I go to the Jim every morning.

Bathroom signs

·         Please don’t flush paper towels, sanitary napkins, hopes, or dreams, down this toilet

·         Please remain seated for the entire performance.

·         How can a man hit a deer at 200 yards and keep missing the toilet?

·         Gentlemen, stand closer.  You are shorter than you think.

·         Please do not put anything in the toilet you have not eaten.

·         The length of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message.

She wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you ate crying, send me your tears. I love you".

Her husband texted back: “I’m in the toilet, please advise.”
___________
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent. 
Since writing graffiti on the wall is done neither for wealth nor critical acclaim it is the purest form of art.  Some examples:

·         A Belch is just one gust of wind, 
That cometh from thy Heart... 
But should it take the downward trend, 
It turns into a Fart

·         If you feel powerless, just remember that what you just left here can shut down and entire restaurant.

·         For fans of H.P. Lovecraft’s horror stories –Cthulu/Shoggoth ’18  Vote for the lesser of two evils.

·         Gentlemen – Use these restrooms as if your wife had to clean them and not some strange black lady who has a KNIFE.

·         Quick, pull up your pants and start running!

·         Things I hate: 1. Graffiti  2. Lists.  3. Irony  4. Inconsistency

·         On the toilet paper dispenser: “Pull for an Art Degree”

I love it when graffiti gets follow- on comments.

·         “Satin Rules!” (with cabalistic signs)  “Well…. It’s a nice fabric and all but I don’t know if it rules.”

·         ‘I love grills”    “you mean girls”    “what about us grills?”

And women’s restrooms have some great graffiti

·         “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I slept with your dad.”  “Go home mom, you’re drunk.”

·         “Stop the idea of society’s mandated self-image.  We are all beautiful.”  “I bet a fat girl wrote that.”

·         “You’ve got to lose weight if you want to find love.”  “Unless they love your lumps.”

·         “In Hogwarts, this is called ‘the magical poop-stealing water chair.”

·         ‘The Chamber of Secrets is in the next stall.”

·         “May your life be like a roll of toilet paper, long and useful.”

·         “Tuition goes up every year, but we still have 1-ply toilet paper.”

·         “Dance like no one is watching.  Poop like no one is here.”

Enough with the bathroom humor.

I recommend all children become writers. That way you will have unfinished homework until you die.

==========

WTF is an acronym.  

 `````````````````````

I thought we had something special.  You met my family, brought me my dinner, and called me honey.  Now, suddenly you’re a ‘waitress’ who’s ‘just doing her job.’

+++++++++

If I am on my deathbed please move me to my ‘alive bed.’

<<<<<<<<< 

Death: “I have come for you.”

Man: “That’s what she said.”

>>>>>>>>>> 

Woman, flirting with Death: “Hey, big guy, I like the hood and scythe look.”
*******

 If you can’t afford anti-depressants, try using no more tears shampoo.

And finally

A husband a wife were dressed and ready to go out for a night on the town.  They turned on the night light and put the cat in the fenced backyard in anticipation of the arrival of their cab.  As they headed back to the front door to get into the car, the cat scooted back inside just as their ride arrived.  They did not want to leave the cat inside unattended for fear she would get after their canary, so the husband went after the cat while the wife went out to the cab. 

Because the wife did not want to let on that the house would be empty all evening she told the driver that her husband was just saying goodnight to my mother.  A few minutes later the husband got into the car, obviously hot and bothered. 

He felt compelled to explain his state.  “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  I had to drag her out by her neck, wrapped in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time.  I hauled her fat ass out to the back, threw her outside, and locked the backdoor.

The silence from the driver was deafening.

Constructive Project JOW #932

We have started a bathroom renovation project in my house.  This got me thinking about construction; I used to be a carpenter’s helper at Bust a Grape construction company.  There are a number of jokes on the subject of c.  Do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh sorry, I'm still working on it….

The six stages of any project

·         Initial enthusiasm

·         Disillusionment

·         Panic

·         Search for the Guilty

·         Punishment of the Innocent

·         Rewards for non-participants

 
++++++++++

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

---------------------

 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site
and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed
the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said,
“Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”

++++++++++++

Two roofers, John and Dave, were working and John, upon on the roof accidentally cut off his ear.

He yelled down to Dave…” Hey! Look out for my ear, I just cut it off”

A bit later Dave calls up to John, “Is this your ear?”

John looks down and says, “No! Mine had a pencil behind it!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

While carpenters were working outside the old house, the new owner busied herself with indoor cleaning.
She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors.
“Just a minute,” she said, thinking of a quick solution.  “I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

````````````````````````````````

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

>>>>>>>>> 

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”     

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

Some leftover jokes about funerals

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alice was always obsessively clean and continually frustrated by her daughter’s messiness.  After her death she arranged to have her ashes scattered on, and then ground into, her daughter’s rug.

For those of you with little ones, here is a Hoki Poki joke

So, I’m sure you all heard of John Hoki, the inventor of the Hoki Poki. While John’s life is well known, what’s not so well know, is a story that happened at his funeral in the late 1940’s. Being that John was quite a popular fella, mostly due to the Hoki Poki, Thousands showed up for his funeral, all coming to bid him farewell. Well, it happened right before the ceremony was about to begin, when the undertaker gently lifted John up to place him in the coffin. The problem that arose was that as soon as they put his right foot in……

And finally

A famous heart specialist died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.  After everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist"

Funereal JOW #931

The John McCain funeral seemed interminable (bad pun) but it did give me a topic for this week’s set of jokes.  Funeral jokes are the best - they never die...   But a good funeral should include at least some laughter.  So here are some funeral-related bits.

There men were discussing what they would like for people to say over them as they walked past their casket.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... ‘Look, he's moving!’”
^^^^^^^^^^^^

What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”

“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “Congratulations on your new location.”

 He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “Rest in Peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “Now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”
+++++++++++++

A widow could not resist flashing a huge new diamond ring at the beauty parlor.

“What a lovely ring,” they exclaimed, “Where did you get it?”

"My late mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!”

Chuck Norris jokes will never die.

·         Chuck Norris can make you laugh at your own funeral.

·         Chuck Norris cancelled his own funeral.

·         Chuck Norris wears white to a funeral; no one asks why.

Tombstone epitaphs.  The first is an actual carving on a gravestone in Jacksonville

·         Those were they days my friend, we thought they’d never end.  But they did.

·         Died from not forwarding that email to ten other people.

·         Motivational speakers have a chance to get the last word in.

·         ‘I’m not dead – I’ve awakened the dead person in me.’

·         Not deceased – dimensionally challenged.’

·         Putting the ‘i’ in die.

·         Some see death as an obstacle.  I see it as an opportunty

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Mom, we really need to discuss funeral plans.  Would you prefer to be buried or cremated?”

“Why don’t you just surprise me?”

--------------

Cremation is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

``````````````

Then there was the passing hardworking executive – he was just buried in paperwork.

……………..

Actually, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the remains of all my cremated socks.

And of course, there are those horrible awkward things you say do at a funeral.

Like when you finally have a chance to see distant friends and relations you like at a funeral. And after chatting with them you part with “We should do this more often.”

------------------

Awkward – Your cell phone goes off at full volume at a funeral.

Even more awkward – Your ring tone is ‘I will survive.’

…………………..
“He will be missed by all the people he touched in his life.” - What not to say a pedophile’s funeral.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl raised the dreaded question after her grandfather’s funeral, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when we die?"

Her brother, who was busy texting one of his friends at the time, barely glanced up from his phone. "We'll go in the limousine dummy."

Some funereal lawyer jokes

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"

===============

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to defy the old adage ‘you can’t take it with you, so he asked be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatric ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

And finally, I wanted to resurrect this old but good joke

An old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"

Rocky Mountain Hi JOW #930

I recently returned from a too-brief visit to the Rocky Mountains.  That put me in the mind for some jokes about elevated terrain, hills, hiking, and that sort of thing. 

===============

·         Have you heard the story about the hill? I couldn’t get over it.

·         Getting to the top of the hill was great fun but it was all downhill after that.

·         Really the difference between hill and hell is just a fine line.

·         Why are mountains so funny? – Because they are hill areas.

·         Why do mountains get so big?

·         They have no natural predators.

·         Hipsters tend to stick to hiking backcountry rivers. They’re less mainstream.

·         I took my pet Yogi hiking today. Bear with me on this one.  It's quite safe because Yogi doesn't have any teeth. He's a gummy bear.

·         There’s a new waterproof membrane that’s also trying to stop climate change. It’s called Al Gore-Tex.

·         I came across two talking stones while I was out hiking. One was big but shy. The other was a little boulder.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mt. Everest was discovered in 1856?

Yup – it was still Mt. Everest.

How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to screw it in and one to say “nice turns”

How does a snowboarder introduce himself?

“Sorry bro…”

How did the big mountain know the little mountain was lying?

Because it was only a bluff

What do you call a snowman with a six-pac?

An abdominal snowman.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

*************

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed.”

The engineer said, “I think I’ve got a few tools in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong.”

The programmer said, “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

After being away on a trip, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

Some random thoughts:

·         Research shows that 6 of 7 dwarves are not happy

·         I before e except after c is disproved by science.

·         Donuts – the original hole food

·         I am terrified of elevators.  I take steps to avoid them.

·         And my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

·         If ignorance is bliss there should be more happy people.

·         Stupidity knows no boundaries but it does know a lot of people.

·         Things that tell the truth: small children, drunks, and yoga pants

·         I ordered a chicken and an egg of the internet to see which would come first

·         Never iron a four leaf clover. That is pressing your luck.

·         I will track down whoever stole my copy of MS Office.  You have my Word.

·         I saw a baguette at the zoo.  It was bread in captivity.

·         Did you see that cashier?  She was checking me out.

·         A bike in town keeps running over me.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Bumper Stickers seen on military bases

·         101st Airborne Division- “ When it comes to Combat, we care enough to send the very best”

·         “When in doubt, empty the magazine” 

·         “Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!” 

·         “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume” 

·         “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything”

·         " U.S Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah” 

·         “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

·         “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back” 

·         “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil” 

·         “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

·         “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

·         “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon” 

·         Napalm is okay by me

·         “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

·         “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl” 

·         “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “ 

Finally, a little puzzle for you to try to solve.  I like it because I was able to figure it out.

My friend had purchased a piece of slate to put into the floor in the hearth in front of his fireplace. The slate was 3/4 of an inch thick, by 10 inches wide, by 48 inches long, and weighed on the order of 175 pounds. He had cut a hole in the oak floor that was the same size as the piece of slate.
The depth of the hole was exactly 3/4 of an inch, the same as the slate. And, of course, there was the sub-floor underneath. When he put one end of the slate into the hole in the floor, he realized that he would have to drop the other end to get the slate into the hole. He realized that if he dropped the brittle slate, even half an inch, it would break.
Not only that, but it wouldn't go in the hole, anyway. There was so little clearance that he couldn't even use that thin fishing line to lower the end of the slate. So he sat there for the longest time, drinking beers and pondering this dilemma. After his 5th or 6th trip to the kitchen he returned with something that solved the problem in elegant fashion.
What did he find there that allowed him to lower the slate into the hole without risk of breaking it?

Gender conflict JOW #929

I hit the road for a couple of weeks for a road trip.  Now that I am back, I chose and easy theme: the eternal battle of the sexes.  I am sure in this ‘oh so sensitive’ era I have something that you will find at least one of my jokes offensive.  So be sure to read all my jokes carefully.

I know I joke around on my posts but on a more serious note, I want everybody to wish me luck today.  I gotta talk to the bank and if all goes well we are talking thousands of dollars here.  I cannot wait to be free from debt.  I am so excited I can barely get the ski mask over my head.

Some tips for men when disagreeing with your woman

·         Never make a woman mad.  They can remember things that haven’t even happened yet.

·         Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement.  In the end you have to just give in and click ‘I agree’.

·         Behind every angry woman stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong

·         Don’t try to understand women.  Women understand women, and they hate each other.

·         If a woman says ‘first of all’ run away.  Because she has prepared research, data, charts, and she will destroy you.

Finally men, when arguing with your woman-

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don’t’ you are an insensitive bastard.

………………….

His girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

“It’s not working.  I can’t take it anymore.  I am going to my Mom’s place.”

He opened the fridge.

The light came on.

The beer was cold.

What the hell was she talking about?

<<<<<<<< 

When God created man he looked at him and thought, ‘I can do better than that.’

>>>>>>>>>>> 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front, who do you let in first?  The dog – at least he will shut up after you let him in.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Why do men pass more gas than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

=================

What do men and beer bottles have in common?  They are both empty from the neck up.

````````````

A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'"

Sales girl: "Sir, fiction is on the 1st floor!"

 ******

 A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

There are three kinds of men in this world.

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened!

 ******

 Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

 ******

  COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

 ******

 When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 ******

 Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!"

Here are some tips for the ladies how to talk about men and still be politically correct

·         He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.

·         He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

·         He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

·         He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

·         He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

·         He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

·         He is not short -- he is Anatomically Compact.

·         He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

·         He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

·         He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

·         He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

·         He does not eat to much; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

·         He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

·         He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

·         He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

·         He does not have a fabulous ass; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

·         He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

And one more

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One. ONE!! 
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? 
Because no one else in this household knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past TEN YEARS. 
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.  THIS HOUSE...THIS HOUSE!! ....IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.... HOUSE . . .. . .