Fodder JOW #889

I give thanks to those of you who send me fodder for my weekly JOW.  After more than sixteen years of this I do sometimes run out of jokes.  Maybe I should just recycle some of my jokes from back then.  Lately Colonel Bill has been most generous.  The majority of my ‘humor’ this week are from him. 

Now that the clocks have been turned back we can all have our four o’clock glass of wine at 4:00.

I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.  As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.  So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle about seven times on the way home.

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·         Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept those I can’t.

·         Of course size matters.  A big glass of wine is better than a small one.

·         Not to be too technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.

These lines are from Phyllis Diller who remains one of my favorite female comics.

·         Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

·         Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

·         I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them 

·         The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

·         His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

·         My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

·         Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

·         Whatever you may look like, marry a man older than you. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

·         You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. 

Dazed and injured, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, and bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident; my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" 

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."  

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight up – compelled by the power of the music.  Unable to contain himself, Igor dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouting Master, "Master, Master!”

"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!" 

(It’s better if you sing the last line)

Secrets to Inner Peace.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual on you.

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.  If you can't eat it or play with it, piss on it and leave.

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Finally, a poem from the bard of his generation, Willy Nelson.  Now in his 80’s he has summed up his life experiences in these touching lines.   I cannot wait until he puts them to music.

"I've outlived my dick."     
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,   
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

contemplational JOW #888

I was thinking about the religious roots of what is now a very secular holiday – Halloween.  That got me into a contemplation of philosophy.  I still remember Plato’s famous ‘allegory of the cave’ so when I came across a Plato joke I had to put it in.  That got my joke pump primed.

_____________

Plato and a platypus walk into a bar.

The bartender gives them a look.

Plato shrugs, “What can I say.  She looked better in the cave.”

*******************

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandson at the beach when suddenly a huge wave swept him out to sea.  The grandmother fell to her knees and began to pray.  “Please God, save my only grandson.  I beg you, bring him back.”

Another huge wave promptly deposited the boy, unharmed, next to his grandmother.

She looks skyward and says, “He had a hat.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what
causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Some bits from Dick:

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

Here is a variation on the traveling salesman jokes that have faded from fashion, both for content and context.  I mean, how many traveling salesmen are there now?

A traveling salesman was traveling in a remote area when his car broke down.  He hiked several miles to a farmhouse and knocked on the door.  The farmer said that there would be no one to come help the man until the next morning.  “I have a new young wife,” said the farmer, “and I a beautiful teenage daughter. But my wife is visiting her mother and my daughter is off at college, so I have plenty of room to put you up.”

Hearing that the salesman turned and began walking up the long driveway back to the road.

“Didn’t you hear me?” called out the farmer.

“Yeah.  But I think I am in the wrong joke.”

And finally:

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad. So what happened then?' the man asked.

The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again? So, what did you do then?' the man asked.

'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head. 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain.'

It's about Time JOW #887

I remember Indian Summer as a time when after a cold snap the days warmed up again.  Here in the Houston area the meaning is more like Calcutta, India.  But at last the worst of the hot days are finally behind us.  This means it must be time for the World Series, where, by a strange twist of fate, LA – the very home of cool - is miserably hot.  It is also about time to change back to ‘real time’ from this so-called daylight savings time.  If it is saving daylight, how come it is still dark at 0700?  But then I suspect the only exercise some people get is falling back and springing ahead.  Other people think 'daylight savings time change day' is the best holiday of the year because they get an extra hour of sleep.

All this got me thinking about time.  Here are a few jokes about time, along with some filler jokes, including a lawyer joke I had not seen before.

A snail was mugged by two turtles.  When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know.  It happened so fast.”

************

Once Chuck Norris and time had race. Result: Time is still running.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There is a knock at the door.  When the woman opens it all she sees is a snail.  She picks it up and throws it across the yard.

A week later there is another knock on the door.  She opens the door and there is the snail again.  The snail says, “What was that all about?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The publisher rejected the mayfly’s book ‘The Life of a Mayfly, an Autobiography’ because it was only one page long.

Some timely riddles:

Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.

Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you call a tense clock?
A: All wound up.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy rang up to airport and said: "Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to San Francisco?

The lady replied "Just a moment..."

Then the guy said "Thank you" and hung up.

----------------------

A passenger tapped the limo driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

====================

A judge calls the opposing lawyers into his chambers and says, “The reason we are here is that both of you have given me a bribe.”  The two lawyers squirm.  “You Pat have given me $10,000.  Tom, you gave me $15,000.”

The judge hands Pat a check for $5,000.  “Now you are even, and so I am going to decide the case on its merits.”

A stressful joke from Bill

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck so you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You know that you are not the father, but the girl claims you are.

This is getting very stressful!
You request tests to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test prove you're infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You're still stressed but relieved.
Then you think about your wife three kids at home.

Okay, a final joke –

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.