Faire Enough JOW #1251

 

There is more to Fall than merely allergies.  Not only is autumn the season of turning leaves and turning of sports from baseball to football, but it is also the season for Renaissance Faires.  We are fortunate to have the largest (this is Texas) Renfaire in the US, although purists sniff that our Faire is more like a combination flea market and costume party.  I had the pleasure of working there for a few years, so I am more familiar with Renfaires than most, and I still enjoy them.  My theme this week is about the Renaissance in general and their Faires in particular. 

I was at a Renaissance fair a few weekends back and there was this blacksmith putting on a forging show. At the end, he took questions from people. Someone asked, "What's your favorite thing to make?"

Without skipping a beat, he responded with "Babies."

 

“Dad, will you pay for my ticket to the Renaissance festival?”

“Sorry, son. I’m baroque”

 

I volunteer part time as a jouster at the Renaissance fair.

I’m a free lancer.

 

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire…

 

My wife was on her lady time while at the Renaissance Faire and told me she was craving dark chocolate.

I asked her if the craving was period specific.

 

My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm

He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood.

 

I've been trying to get the local renaissance fair reenactors to change the way things are run...

It's an exercise in feudality!

 

My dad set up a booth at a Renaissance Fair where people can dress up and get their pictures made as Frodo from Lord of the Rings exclusively.

He called it his Frodo-Booth.

 

I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.

It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.

 

"A Riot at the Renaissance Faire!"

Police intervened before anyone began luting.

 

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?” Dad: “No, you’re grounded.”

Son: No fair!!

Dad: Exactly what I said.

 

My wife and I were planning trips for the summer.

She is a regular attendee of the Renaissance Fair, but I have never gone. I really want to go, so she said she will take me this year. When I brought up the county fair at the end of the summer, I found out that she had never been to it. I offered to take her to that. She was all in board with that idea.

"Good," I said. "That sounds like a Fair trade to me!"

 

I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

 

“I heard the Renaissance painters had a brush with greatness.”

 

And I will finish up with a long, involved technical dissertation.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.
Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they could create mathematical expressions for each style of art, they could decide which was superior.
The first polymath was an expert in isoperimetry, and he was absolutely obsessed with history.. This polymath's passion for history bled into his artistic pursuits, as well; he found that the works of the old masters, particularly Renaissance artists, could never be topped. For most of his adulthood, he spent his downtime trying to replicate the painting of Renaissance artists in modern settings, but he could never quite get it right. Using his isoperimetric expertise, this polymath created a geometric formula that succinctly captured the essence of Renaissance paintings. He called this the Renaissance Equation.
The second polymath was an expert in set theory and an outspoken advocate for Impressionism. He found beauty in the way impressionists introduced the movement of life into their paintings in the same way he felt he encapsulated the movement of objects between sets. Impressionism and set theory, for this polymath, were two sides of the same coin—two objects in the same set. He decided to use set theory to categorize and represent the necessary and sufficient qualities for something to be considered impressionist to create a fuzzy set with extremities reaching from not-impressionist to impressionist. Ultimately, this led to a breakthrough that led to an algorithm that could categorize any painting in an impressionist spectrum, and this perfect categorization furthered his belief that impressionism was the most beautiful style of painting. He called this the Impressionist Explanation.
The third polymath was an expert in isomorphisms. He saw true beauty in the ways in which an isomorphism could be distinguished, and could not be distinguished, based on the elements of the morphism from which they were reversed and inverted. This polymath believed that the value of isomorphisms, more than anything else in mathematics, depended on the perspective of the viewer. He looked at Neo-Surrealism in much the same way; from some perspectives, two isomorphisms could be differentiated in the same way two Neo-Surrealist paintings could be. He mathematically mapped countless Neo-Surrealist paintings and built an algorithm that could utilize much of his research into isomorphisms to differentiate between them. His results, which suggested that Neo-Surrealist paintings were all isomorphisms, proved to him that his favorite genre of art was superior. He called his work the Neo-Surrealist Formula.
The final polymath was an expert in orthogonal matrices and a lover of Cubism. He viewed matrices as the foundation of higher mathematical thought, and because the determinant of an orthogonal matrix must always be 1 or negative 1, he believed his study to be the purest form of mathematics. Naturally, he fell into Cubism. Though Cubism did not represent perfectly orthogonal figures, this polymath believed this was not a failure of Cubism, but a failure of art as a whole—the need to portray broader themes caused the cubes not to be perfectly orthogonal. Despite this, the fourth polymath traced the primary vectors in the most prominent paintings of each genre, and he found that the vectors in Cubist paintings most closely resembled the orthonormal vectors he had long studied. He published his findings as the Cubism Experiment.
After the four polymaths had completed their individual projects, they convened to discuss their results. Even after seeing the work the others had put in, each polymath still trusted his own mathematical formula and believed his favorite genre of art was the best.

To reach a final conclusion, the mathematicians decided to submit their findings in a single bundle to a group of neutral mathematicians from all over the world.

They combined their work into a single expression of paintings, which they called:

Paintings: Renaissance, Impressionist, Neo-Surrealist, and Cubist Expressions. Within weeks of publication, this set of data became widely known as:

The artists’ formulae known as PRINCE.

 

 

Serious as a heart attack JOW #1250

I try to find humor in almost everything; it makes life a little more palatable.   In the past I have had all sorts of JOW themes, including joking about some serious topics.  Since I have coronary artery disease, I thought heart conditions would make a good topic to explore.  Here are some jokes with real heart. 

 

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

A bear attack would definitely be worse.

 

A man went to jail for stealing a heart.

I guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

 

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

 

Dual Heart Attack Message by A Girl.

1st Message: “Let’s Breakup Now, It’s All Over”
2nd Message: “Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You “

 

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

 

Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack

mainly because their hearts are already broken

 

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

 

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you're playing charades; nobody gonna help you.

 

My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said, “That gave me a heart attack!”

I told him “Actually that was a stroke”

 

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?

Arr me hearty!

 

An American has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks: "Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:
“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

 

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents. The poor man dyed a loan.

 

Then there was the man who got into a fight with a man who was dating the woman he fancied.  He won the fight, but the poor fellow had a fatal heart attack and fell down on the man he had just knocked down.

He was dead on a rival.

 

Another poor fellow had a massive heart attack during sex

He came and went at the same time.

An American man has a heart attack at his home.

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and asks her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed.

The woman is hysterical. "How could this have happened?!"

The doctor replies, "Well, we had shown him the cost for the ambulance..."

 

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs. Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously
“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news…”

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

 

A lady told me her grandpa had a heart attack over the summer and she felt at least partially responsible.
He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available.  She suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.
But if it wasn't for that, he never would have visited OnlyFans.

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

 And finally some medical advice.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.  The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Allergic to JOW #1249

 

Feminist JOW #1248

My jokes this week are more or less about feminism and relationships.  It is hard to make jokes about feminists because they are notoriously serious… dead serious.  For example.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one.  And that’s not funny.

Then there’s:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. It’s not the lightbulb that needs changing.

But also this one:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.  One to screw in the light bulb, two to blog about the violation of the socket, and three wo secretly wish they were the socket.

 

Fortunately, the relationships between men and women provide plenty of fodder for this week’s jokes of the week.

 

Here are some feminists knocked knock jokes

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Annie.

Annie who?

Annie thing you can do I can do for eighty-seven cents on the dollar.

 

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Nana.

Nana who?

Nana your business what I’m wearing.

 

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ice cream!

Ice cream who?

Ice cream right now if I could but then you’d say I was being hysterical.

 

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Men!

Men who?

EXACTLY.

 

Advertisements for woman and men are very different.

Ads for women: Be thin, be thick, love your body, your boobs look bigger in this, dye your hair, embrace your grays, these pants are slimming, be feminine, wear makeup, look natural, hide your age...

Women: K.

Ads for men: Men should clean up a little.

Men: Don’t tell us what to do!

 

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That is ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her birthday.'

 

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

 

'You can tell much about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she is holding a gun, she is probably angry.'

 

Why is girlfriend one word, but a best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

 

Of course, women and men are different, but I do not get how a female can pour boiling hot wax on her thighs, pull all the hair out, including the roots, and still be scared to death of a bug.

 

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant,” a woman told her husband.

“What on earth do you need an elephant for?” he asked.

“I don’t,” she replied. “I just need the money.”

 

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.'

 

'Wives are like grenades; remove the ring, and then boom, the house is gone!

 

Little Johnny asks his dad: "How much does it cost to get married, dad?"; his dad replies: " Well, son, I'm not too sure, you see, I am still paying for it."

 

There are only two occasions where a man cannot understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

 

·         ‘I am’ might be the shortest sentence in the English language but ‘I do’ can be the longest.

 

·         Marriage is tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

 

·         90% of ghosts in films are women. Feminism is totally winning in a paranormal realm

 

·         Men who get mad when male superheroes are rebooted as women are called Thor losers.

 

·         How do Amish girls tell if it is a romantic candlelight dinner or just regular dinner?

 

·         Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He is trying to figure out the combination.'

 

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said: "Look! This still fits me after 20 years.”

"It's a scarf," I replied.

 

'Is Google a man or a woman? A woman of course, because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a recommendation.'

 

'My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She is telepathetic.'

 

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to stay and those who don’t.  The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

 

A woman is a lot like a telephone. She likes for a man to hold her, talk to her, and touch her frequently. But push the wrong button, and click, you’ve been disconnected.

 

It is my wife's birthday tomorrow; she has been leaving jewelry catalogues all around the house, so I bought her a magazine stand.

 

My wife wants me to blow air on her when she overheats, but to be honest... I am not a fan.

 

My wife just stopped and said: "You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought: "That is a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

 

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.  The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said the old man. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"

And finally, an old but still funny bit of humor.

A husband and wife were in bed when this conversation started.

WIFE: What would you do if I died?  Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not – don’t you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I’d get married again.

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it’s a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she’s left-handed.

 

Just Roll with it JOW #1247

I had the opportunity to sit in a millet field last weekend waiting for some dove to come in and let me shoot and miss them.  While sitting there, with nothing much to do, I could not help but notice some industrious dung beetles rolling their little balls of poo around. Dung beetles are the ultimate recyclers, turning dung into a valuable resource. They’re the original “waste management” experts.  As is my wont, I began thinking about how humorous the entire concept of dung beetles is; well worthy of a few jokes to start my JOW off with this week. 

 

Dung beetles are great at solving problems. They always know how to “roll” with it.

 

Why did the Dung Beetle quit work?

He was all pooped out!

 

Dung beetle walks into a bar....

"Is this stool taken?"

 

What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?

"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"

 

Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?

Because the clerk sold him shampoo.

 

Why was the dung beetle late for the party?

He was on dooty.

 

Two dung beetles meet

The first one asks; “How’s it going?”
The other replies; “Same sh1t, different day.”

 

Two dung beetles go out for lunch

They went into a restaurant and came out almost immediately.

They went into another place and as they're eating, one says "This is good sh1t"!
The other replies, "Yeah, that last place was crap".

 

One dung beetle walks into a bar and nobody cares...

A hundred dung beetles walk into a bar, and everyone loses their sh1t.

 

Today I saw a rabbit that had beetles all over it.

It was a Bugs Bunny.

 

Why didn’t the butterfly go to the dance?

It was a mothball.

 

What do frogs order at a restaurant?

French flies.

 

 

What is a dung beetles favorite candy?

Feces Pieces

 

What is a Dung Beetle's favorite coffee?

A Crappuccino

 

How do dung beetles stay in shape? They do “dung-bell” exercises.

 

My friend and I opened a gym for dung beetles. He thinks the business is failing and wants to quit, but I refused and told him, “No way; we’re still working out the bugs.”

 

A man went to the doctor complaining that he kept seeing some insect buzzing around him. The doctor just told him not to worry; it was just a bug that was going around.

 

Two beetles are born as brothers.

One travels the world, makes friends, and is an inspiration to insectsv.

The other doesn’t do much of anything.

He was the lesser of two weevils.

 

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.
"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those in your suitcase or ship them separately."
"Oh, no, it's okay." He says. "These are my carrion beetles."

 

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.
The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

 

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

(I bet that sends to the dictionary to find out that an etiologist studies beginnings of things.)

 

There are two cavemen sitting by a fire.

One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?"
His friend says, "No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."

 

What has two legs and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

 

Typing of Yoko Ono, she recently released a new album at age 91.  Amazingly, the quality of her voice hasn’t changed at all.

And thinking of the Beatles, they just brought out a new album.  It’s mostly just drums and bass.

 

A guy goes into a record shop and asks "Do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"
Store guy: "Yeah only this secondhand vinyl, but it should be perfect."
Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "Sorry mate this record is no good. It's just 45 minutes of buzzing, it's complete crap. "
Store guy: "Oh, that's the B side."

 

Finally, I did some driving last week and so have this one to finish up.

This guy is driving along, when he passes a sign that says, “Slow Down - 20 miles” He groans, as that is way too slow for that stretch of road but slows down to 20. Half an hour later, he passes another sign that says, “Slow Down - 10 miles” He starts to complain and cuss to himself in the car but slows down to a crawl. Another half hour of boredom passes before he spots a sign that says, “Slow Down - 5 miles” OH COME ON! yells the guy as he rests his foot on the brake. Finally, he sees “Slow Down - 1 mile”.  As he rounds a bend he sees a sign that says, “Welcome to Slow Down, Texas”

 

Grab Bag JOW #1246

 I am fresh out of themes for this week, so I am just going to throw up a bunch of jokes I have around.  Most of them are quick hitters, primarily in the format of riddles.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

·         What do you call it when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.

·         Why are elevator jokes so good? Because they work on so many levels.

·         What do you call advice from a cow? Beef Tips.

·         Why are pediatricians always so grumpy? They have little patients.

·         Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

·         What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

·         What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

·         Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

·         What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

·         Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed!

·         What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

·         What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple except for the rabbit.

·         I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

·         What does a house wear? Address!

·         What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

·         Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrgh!

·         What type of candy is always late? A chocolate.

·         What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Ca-shew!

·         Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

·         Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

·         Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

·         Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

·         What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

·         Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.

·         Who eats snails? People who don’t like fast food!

·         What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

·         What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

·         How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.

·         What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.

·         What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.

·         What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”

·         Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

·         How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.

·         Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long? Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot.

·         What's Irish and stays outside all year long?  Paddy O'Furniture

·         I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He told me they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden.

·         Every morning, I announce that I’m going running, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.

 

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So, I turned on the air conditioning.

 

People in Europe used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

 

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with a couple of guys in it drives by. "Wow,” says one to the other. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

 

A couple of leftover grandparent jokes lto wrap it up

Two grandparents are having a phone call talking about their family. One grandparent talks about how proud she is that her granddaughter came to visit her while socially distanced

The other said - “my grandson is so protective of me. He socially distances so much he won’t even call me!”

 

Timothy was visiting his grandparents for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents were happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents were very religious people, and did not care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, swinging ang enjoying himself. Granny Betty Lou was proudly showing off her grandson to her friends, when Timothy suddenly shouted "Grandmother, I need to take a piss!". Betty Lou hurried over to Timothy, as fast as her arthritis-ridden legs could carry her, afraid she would have to sit alone at church, having a grandchild with such foul language.

"Oh, Timothy" she said. "Don't speak like that!".

"But I really have to piss, grandma!" Timothy replied.

Betty Lou patted Timothy on the head and said, "If you have you pee, just say you have to whistle, and I'll take you to the toilet, dear".

Fortunately, it seemed like Gabby, Millie and Martha didn't catch Timothy's rude outburst. They went to the toilet and Betty Lou's perfect grandson-image was saved.
Later that same evening, Timothy was neatly tucked in. Grandpa Harry and Grandmother Betty Lou had been watching TV and Betty Lou was completely knocked out after running after Timothy all day in the park. "Grandma!" Timmy shouted. Betty Lou was fast asleep, so Grandpa Harry went to check what he wanted.

"Grandpa. I need to whistle".

Harry looked a little confused at Timothy and said "No, it's time to sleep now, Timmy. We can whistle tomorrow if you want".

"Oh, but I really need to whistle now!".

Grandpa Harry was firmer in his tone "Timmy, you can't whistle now, grandma is sleeping. You'll wake her". But Timothy was very persistent and kept on begging his grandad. Finally, the old man sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "Ok, Timothy, whistle into my ear then"...

 

Bar None #1245

 The ‘walks into a bar’ genre of jokes is well known.  It is always nice to have one simple joke memorized in case someone asks you to tell a joke.   My default joke is:  Two molecules walk into a bar.  One says, ‘I think I lost an electron’.  The other molecules says, ‘Are you sure?’ to which the first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 

Most ‘walks into a bar’ jokes are short and silly like that one, but I am including a number of longer ‘bar jokes’ just for variety.

 

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

 

A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “In Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”’

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, ‘what will you have.’

The rabbit says, “Nothing for me, I’m just a typo.’

 

A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

 

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender, upon seeing them, says “sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

 

A snake walks into a bar. …

The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”

 

A very bossy man walks into a bar. He orders everyone around.

 

Helvetica, Times New Roman and Calibri, walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks for six shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick."

 

Guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.

He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”

To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”

 

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. Bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you.”

Guy gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.

“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”

Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.

Another few minutes goes by and the same guy comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.

“SIR, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOUTWICE BEFORE THAT YOU’RE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.”

Dude looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs:

“How many bars do you work at?!!!”

 

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well-dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.

bartender just can’t believe his eyes when he sees the man return.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.

Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”

The drunk looks at him and says: “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

 

And finally,

 A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”

“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”

The man agrees this is fair and walks inside to the barman.

“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun out there again!?”