JOW is a Carnival #1256

 With all the recent political activity recently, my attention naturally turned to first clowns, then the circus and finally carnivals.  I am old enough to remember the old low-end carnivals that would come to Jacksonville.  Even as a little kid I knew they were pretty cheesy, but before the internet and even much TV, people did not have access to view oddities.  I remember you could pay to see freaks like the fat woman, the tattooed man, and the bearded lady.  Nowadays these folks are fully integrated into society.  In fact, some of them are elected officials.  My jokes this week focus on bygone days when there were these traveling shows.

 

They just opened a circus nearby. I went last Saturday. All I could say is that it was in tents.

 

They had to close the carnival.

There was a freak accident

 

What do you call a dog in a circus?

A carnival barker

 

A dyslexic clown got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

 

King Arthor had a knight who performed in the big top: Sir Cus

 

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago.

The performer went ballistic, and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

Now they can’t find a man of the right caliber to replace him.

 

"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!"

"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Congressmen* leaving the *Capitol* for lunch."

 

A man comes to the circus director and says he would like to work there.
- What are your special skills? - the director asks.
- I can imitate birds - the man replies.
- Sorry, but we already have someone who imitates birds - the director responds.
- Oh dear, that's a pity! - sighs the man and flies away.

 

A man walks into a bar and does a somersault, a cartwheel and finally backflips onto a barstool.
The bartender asks him: "Wow! How did you do that?"

The horse answers: "Well, I've worked in the circus for all my life, so that's how."

The barman nods approvingly and gives the man a free drink.
A couple minutes later another man walks. He does a front flip, a pirouette and finally lands onto the barstool.

The barman asks him: "Well have I ever! Did you also work in circus.

The man answers: "No, I just tripped over the doormat."

 

 

A man was wandering around a circus and stopped to watch a guy hosing down an elephant. The man asked him how he liked looking after such a large beast.

"Well," said the man, “It’s a very dirty and time-consuming job. I’m awake at 5 am to prepare his breakfast, then shovel out the vast amount of manure that has been produced overnight.  Some days there is a bowel blockage, and I have to insert my hand up there to clear it out. The smell is revolting.  I do this 7 days a week."
"That's terrible", said the man "have you thought about getting another job?"
"What!!" said the guy,” and give up show business?

 

Then there was the man who circumcises elephants for the circus; he said the pay is lousy; but the tips are enormous.

 

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus.

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

“No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned and the mother went off to get a soda.

As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis.”

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" the boy persisted.

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.
“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work is really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss will be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh, please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquired about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

 

Veteran JOW #1255

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day, which seems to be growing in popularity.  Perhaps this is because the percentage of veterans continues to decline.  When I was a kid virtually all men had spent time in the armed forces.  Now, the percentage is about 6%.  Apparently, the armed forces are more efficient now.  In the past, when people said ‘thank you for your service’ I would reply that I got paid, traveled around the world at government expense, and they let me blow stuff up.   Now I just say, ‘thank you.’ 

I have a few jokes and anecdotes about veterans.  I hope you enjoy them. 

 

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Noah.
(Noah, who?)
Noah good joke about Veterans Day?

 

Did you hear about the soldier who sneaked behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.

 

A bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts “If it weren’t for me, you’d all be speaking German!”
“That’s right” replies the High School German teacher.

 

 “What’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?”
Grandfather replied, “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

 

A veteran’s son asks him, “Dad, did you get shot in the army?”
The dad replies, “Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.”

 

A veteran father asked his son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms.
He didn’t know, so the dad told him, “It’s to minimize casual tees.”

 

I once teased a seasick pal of mine who was losing it over the railing alongside several other sailors.

“I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said.

“It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.”

 

What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks.

 

The various services are different.

 

If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room and clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and locking the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion. In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

~~~~~~~~

A little boy was staring in wonder at the names on a plaque in an old church. The pastor noticed him and asked, “What are you looking at, my son?”

The boy replied, “All those names up there. Who are they?”

The pastor smiled and said, “Why, they are the names of people from this congregation who died in the service.”

The little boy thought for a moment and then asked very quietly, “Which one? The 9:00 or the 11:00 service?”

 

A Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.

 

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.
Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. <br>
The other veteran: Oh, I still have nightmares of all the people that I’ve killed. It’s horrible!
Robert: I totally understand you; I’ve killed 15 men.
The other veteran: Wait, but you were only a helicopter mechanic...
Robert: Never said I was a good one.

 

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee”.
“Have you ever been in the military?”
“Yes, I served two years in Iraq”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Do you have any disabilities?”
The guy says, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles”.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “OK, you’re a dis*bled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10 am and make that your start time every day”.
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are 8-4, why don’t you want me here til 10 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

And finally.

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, 'Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ‘Sarge?'' he asked.
''Had to get rid of him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

 

 

Political JOW #1254

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.  The whole 2024 election is like a sequel nobody asked for, but we all have to watch. Well, it has finally come to a shuddering close.  Finally, we will get a break from the constant stream of political ads.  Since we are at the height of the political season, I have a few jokes about politics.

```````

Let me start: the 2024 US Presidential Election.
That’s it. That’s the entire joke.

``````````

Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.

 

“Because it would be hilarious,” is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

 

Why do we Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

 

Some riddles

Why did the election chicken cross the road?
To avoid both sides!

 

How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—one to change the bulb and one to change it back again.

 

What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

 

What do you call a bad lawyer?
Senator.

 

What do you get when you cross a politician with a joke?
The 2024 election.

 

Why did the candidate cross the road?
To avoid the press.

 

Why did the campaign chicken cross the road?
To flip-flop.

 

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is completely worthless?
Runner up in the presidential election.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid, my dad always told me anyone could become president. Now that I’m an adult, I believe it … and it gives me nightmares!

 

Have you heard about McDonald’s new presidential value meal? You order whatever you want, and the person who comes after you has to pay for it.

 

The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses. Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.

 

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

 

Did you hear Starbucks is offering a specialty drink just for Election Day? It’s called the “fullacrapuccino.”

 

Russians and Chinese confused about why it takes America so long to get a definitive result from their election—the know their election results months in advance!

 

If Chuck Norris were president, he’d protect the Secret Service.

 

Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.
Friend: What does he do now?
Man: Nothing—he got elected.

 

Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?
Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

 

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor. He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family and creates criminals, then I’m against it! But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund needy orphans, then I’m for it! And I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say.”

 

1917, October: A lady, the granddaughter of a Decembrist, is sitting in her own house on Nevsky. When she hears a noise on the street, she asks her janitor to find out what is going on there.

Madam, the revolution is there! - the janitor returns.

Oh, how wonderful! - the lady rejoices - my grandfather dreamed of a revolution! Please, go and find out what the revolutionaries want?!

Lady, they want there to be no rich - says the janitor returning.

Strange - the lady says thoughtfully - my grandfather wanted there to be no poor!

 

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural-born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office.
She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with “What makes a natural-born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?”

And finally:

The year is 2032 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so, Susie. It’s an 18-hour drive.”
“Don’t worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh, Dad,” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”
“Honey,” her dad complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”
The president-to-be responds, “Don’t worry, Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll ensure your meal has potatoes and cheddar in it. You and mom just have to be there.”
So, her dad reluctantly agrees, and when Susan is sworn in as president of the United States. In the front row sit Susan’s parents. Her dad, noticing a Senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible?”
“You bet I do,” whispers the Senator in reply.
The dad proudly beams, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”

Halloween JOW #1253

It is that magic time of the year when season change, the Holidays begin to appear, leaves change, and all four major sports are being played, will at least until the Yankees fold.  Halloween is upon us as well.  One of the great old traditions that has seemingly lapsed is telling scary stories to the kids.  I have a couple of old ones for my JOW this time.  These are primarily aural jokes, so just imagine reading them aloud in the dark to the kids.

But first, here is a single, silly joke:

Before my friend Frank died, he asked that I store his ashes in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in stein.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This man was sitting at home, minding his business, when the phone rang. He picked up, “Hello?” A growly voice says, “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 year, 1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.

The man thinks it’s a crank call and forgets about it.  One year later, the phone rings. “Hello?” “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.”

Click.

The man is spooked a little.

One month later, the phone rings. “Hello?”

“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.”

Click .

Next week: “Hello?”

“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.

Next day: “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.

Now the man is waiting with anticipation. Sure enough, one hour later the phone rings again. “Hello?”

“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 minute.”

Click.

Right after that, the doorbell rings. The man goes to the door, opens it. There is a dude there with blood on his hand, and he says, “Hey there, my hand is bleeding. Do you have a band aid?”

=====

Three thieves who, as one final job together, planned on robbing a sacred tomb. Locals warned them that any who attempt to steal from the tomb will be cursed and great danger will befall them, but they decided to go through with it anyway.

They decide to go one at a time in case there really is any danger. The first man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he passes by a giant coffin and then hears a booming voice say "if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by FIRE!"

He's a little spooked but escapes the tomb unscathed with his riches.

The second man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he also passes a large coffin and hears a booming voice say "if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by WATER!"
He's kinda freaked out, but knows that the first guy survived, and he too escapes the tomb unharmed with more wealth than he could imagine.

The third man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he too passes the huge sarcophagus and hears a booming voice say "if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by PLAGUE!"

At this point, the thieves aren't scared anymore because they've all managed to escape unharmed, so the third guy just walks out of the tomb, his arms full of the spoils of his plunder.

The three thieves part ways and go on to live lavish, pleasant lives using the treasure they'd stolen to get rich. Each man had more than he could ever want, and each was in fantastic health for many years following their tomb robbing.

A few years later the thieves had all but forgotten the words that echoed from the tomb that fateful day. The first man was enjoying a bonfire with his friends at his Miami beach house. After a night of drinking, most of them were drowsy or passed out completely. The first man stood up to go inside, tripped over one of his friends, and fell headfirst into the fire pit. He suffered horrible burns all over his body and died as a result of his injuries.

The story made headlines, and after a while word got back to the other two thieves that their friend had perished. Both had a vague memory...something about a curse...and dying by fire...but after a few months they all but forgot their old friend and went about their lavish lives.

The second man was celebrating his birthday with his friends and family at an extravagant party on his private island. As night fell, he and a few of his friends decided to go down to the shore and go night-swimming. They, too, were a bit intoxicated, and there was a bit of a storm brewing, but they hardly cared. After swimming for a while, the man gets swept out to sea. He's not a strong swimmer and his friends can't see him, and he ends up drowning.

The third man catches wind of this and starts to panic. Dying by fire, dying by water...will he truly die by plague, as was foretold in the sacred tomb? He starts to put the remainder of this wealth into his health - he visits a different specialist every week, spends money on diet and workout programs, and does whatever he can to ensure that he stays healthy.

However, after several months, a mysterious illness befalls him. Doctors can't figure it out no matter how many tests they run. He's confined to a hospital bed as he's too weak to even stand and walk. However, he doesn't come any closer to dying, and he starts to regain hope that maybe he's beaten the curse.

His health begins to improve, and soon he has enough strength to sit up in bed and eat on his own. He never has any visitors, as his friends were only his friends because of his great fortune.

One day, a nurse told him he has a visitor. He's surprised, but excited, and tells the nurse to send them in. She leaves, and soon he hears someone coming down the hallway.

Except it doesn't sound like footsteps.

It's more like an awful, clunky, dragging sound. As if someone's struggling to push a heavy object down the hall.

He hears screams outside his closed door and begins to panic as the noise gets closer, closer, closer. He's still not strong enough to get out of bed, much less escape. He starts looking around him for something to defend himself with. The only things on his side table are a lamp, some magazines, a glass of water, a book he'd been reading, and some cough drops, as he'd had a pretty nasty cough.

Suddenly, the door swings open. Staring the final thief in the face is the sarcophagus from the tomb. A voice booms out "You have attempted to avoid the curse, but now death comes to you!" The coffin then begins inching towards him. It flies open, revealing emptiness, and the thief knows if he can't escape.

In a last attempt to defend himself, he starts throwing whatever he can reach at the sarcophagus. He chucks the lamp at it as hard as he can, but it keeps coming towards him. Then he tries the book to no avail. The glass of water - nothing. The magazines - useless. Finally, all that's left are the cough drops. The man all but resigns himself to his fate, picks up the lozenges, closes his eyes, and hurls a cough drop.

The moment the cough drop hits it, the coffin stops.

 

 

Miscellaneous JOW #1252

 Alas, with an election looming we are subjected to a never-ending steam of political ads.  TV ads are almost always aimed at emotional hot buttons and are inevitably negative.  Apparently one side wants to sacrifice young woman, (perhaps in a volcano?) and the other intends to kill babies, (perhaps reviving Baal worship).  The ads are having one impact on me for sure.  All the people running for office are bad, if not to say totally evil people.   And then they wonder why we hate politicians. The jokes for the next two weeks will be scary: first Halloween, and then the election.  In the meantime, here are a few miscellaneous jokes.

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches,” said a man to his friend. “He’s an athlete?” the friend asked.

The man shook his head and replied, “An architect.”

 

·         My colorblind diagnosis really came out of the orange.

 

·         ​​I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

·         I have a nice pen that can write underwater.  It also writes other words.

 

·         'An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.'

 

·         I did some work around the house today.  Put a rear end in a recliner.

 

·         Sometimes when I listen to someone’s story and can’t relate because I am not stupid.

 

·         The unskilled mason forgets to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

 

·         The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

 

·         The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

 

·         The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

 

·         The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

 

A man recently passed away after falling into a giant urn of coffee.  He didn’t suffer.  It was instant.

 

My wife fussed at me for kicking an ice cube under the refrigerator.  I told her it was just water under the fridge.

 

I always shout, “Hey, everybody, the foods here’” so the Door Dasher won’t think all those tacos are just for me.

 

I showed up at the restaurant early.  The manager asked if I minded waiting for a bit.  I said, ‘not at all’. 

Great,’ he said,’ take these drinks to table nine.’

 

I could tell you a pizza joke…

But it would probably be cheesy.  Instead I have some riddles.

 

Who is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

 

What is the favorite fruit of twins?

Pears

 

What do you give to cure a sick lemon?

Lemon aid

 

What do you call a Haitian with a cat allergy?
Hungry

 

German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

In this day and age that gets you arrested.

 

I asked my girlfriend what women really want.  She said, ‘a tent of lovers.’  Or perhaps it was attentive loves – I really wasn’t paying attention.  

 

My employment history is somewhat mixed.

·         “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”

·         “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”

·         “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”

·         “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”

·         “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”

·         “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”

·         “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”

·         “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”

·         “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”

·         “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”

·         “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

~~~~~~~

My friend Victor, who is a respected historian, invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
“This is Victor, he’s a historian of the Renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he’s a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are also named Victor, they are doing great work on Mesopotamian farming practices.  Most of the history is written by guys named Victor.”
I was like “Wow, history really is written by you guys huh?”

 

And finally

A woman was having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man had a heart attack. The woman tried to get the man off her, but he was too heavy. Luckily, the woman was able to call 911 with her cell phone.
When the emergency services come, they found that they could only get the man out of the car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removed the roof from the car, the paramedics loaded the man into their ambulance.
The woman is sobbing hysterically. "Don't worry, ma'am," says a paramedic. "I'm sure your husband will be just fine."
"I don't care about him," the woman replies. "He's not my husband. It's my husband's car, though."

 

 

Faire Enough JOW #1251

 

There is more to Fall than merely allergies.  Not only is autumn the season of turning leaves and turning of sports from baseball to football, but it is also the season for Renaissance Faires.  We are fortunate to have the largest (this is Texas) Renfaire in the US, although purists sniff that our Faire is more like a combination flea market and costume party.  I had the pleasure of working there for a few years, so I am more familiar with Renfaires than most, and I still enjoy them.  My theme this week is about the Renaissance in general and their Faires in particular. 

I was at a Renaissance fair a few weekends back and there was this blacksmith putting on a forging show. At the end, he took questions from people. Someone asked, "What's your favorite thing to make?"

Without skipping a beat, he responded with "Babies."

 

“Dad, will you pay for my ticket to the Renaissance festival?”

“Sorry, son. I’m baroque”

 

I volunteer part time as a jouster at the Renaissance fair.

I’m a free lancer.

 

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire…

 

My wife was on her lady time while at the Renaissance Faire and told me she was craving dark chocolate.

I asked her if the craving was period specific.

 

My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm

He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood.

 

I've been trying to get the local renaissance fair reenactors to change the way things are run...

It's an exercise in feudality!

 

My dad set up a booth at a Renaissance Fair where people can dress up and get their pictures made as Frodo from Lord of the Rings exclusively.

He called it his Frodo-Booth.

 

I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.

It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.

 

"A Riot at the Renaissance Faire!"

Police intervened before anyone began luting.

 

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?” Dad: “No, you’re grounded.”

Son: No fair!!

Dad: Exactly what I said.

 

My wife and I were planning trips for the summer.

She is a regular attendee of the Renaissance Fair, but I have never gone. I really want to go, so she said she will take me this year. When I brought up the county fair at the end of the summer, I found out that she had never been to it. I offered to take her to that. She was all in board with that idea.

"Good," I said. "That sounds like a Fair trade to me!"

 

I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

 

“I heard the Renaissance painters had a brush with greatness.”

 

And I will finish up with a long, involved technical dissertation.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.
Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they could create mathematical expressions for each style of art, they could decide which was superior.
The first polymath was an expert in isoperimetry, and he was absolutely obsessed with history.. This polymath's passion for history bled into his artistic pursuits, as well; he found that the works of the old masters, particularly Renaissance artists, could never be topped. For most of his adulthood, he spent his downtime trying to replicate the painting of Renaissance artists in modern settings, but he could never quite get it right. Using his isoperimetric expertise, this polymath created a geometric formula that succinctly captured the essence of Renaissance paintings. He called this the Renaissance Equation.
The second polymath was an expert in set theory and an outspoken advocate for Impressionism. He found beauty in the way impressionists introduced the movement of life into their paintings in the same way he felt he encapsulated the movement of objects between sets. Impressionism and set theory, for this polymath, were two sides of the same coin—two objects in the same set. He decided to use set theory to categorize and represent the necessary and sufficient qualities for something to be considered impressionist to create a fuzzy set with extremities reaching from not-impressionist to impressionist. Ultimately, this led to a breakthrough that led to an algorithm that could categorize any painting in an impressionist spectrum, and this perfect categorization furthered his belief that impressionism was the most beautiful style of painting. He called this the Impressionist Explanation.
The third polymath was an expert in isomorphisms. He saw true beauty in the ways in which an isomorphism could be distinguished, and could not be distinguished, based on the elements of the morphism from which they were reversed and inverted. This polymath believed that the value of isomorphisms, more than anything else in mathematics, depended on the perspective of the viewer. He looked at Neo-Surrealism in much the same way; from some perspectives, two isomorphisms could be differentiated in the same way two Neo-Surrealist paintings could be. He mathematically mapped countless Neo-Surrealist paintings and built an algorithm that could utilize much of his research into isomorphisms to differentiate between them. His results, which suggested that Neo-Surrealist paintings were all isomorphisms, proved to him that his favorite genre of art was superior. He called his work the Neo-Surrealist Formula.
The final polymath was an expert in orthogonal matrices and a lover of Cubism. He viewed matrices as the foundation of higher mathematical thought, and because the determinant of an orthogonal matrix must always be 1 or negative 1, he believed his study to be the purest form of mathematics. Naturally, he fell into Cubism. Though Cubism did not represent perfectly orthogonal figures, this polymath believed this was not a failure of Cubism, but a failure of art as a whole—the need to portray broader themes caused the cubes not to be perfectly orthogonal. Despite this, the fourth polymath traced the primary vectors in the most prominent paintings of each genre, and he found that the vectors in Cubist paintings most closely resembled the orthonormal vectors he had long studied. He published his findings as the Cubism Experiment.
After the four polymaths had completed their individual projects, they convened to discuss their results. Even after seeing the work the others had put in, each polymath still trusted his own mathematical formula and believed his favorite genre of art was the best.

To reach a final conclusion, the mathematicians decided to submit their findings in a single bundle to a group of neutral mathematicians from all over the world.

They combined their work into a single expression of paintings, which they called:

Paintings: Renaissance, Impressionist, Neo-Surrealist, and Cubist Expressions. Within weeks of publication, this set of data became widely known as:

The artists’ formulae known as PRINCE.

 

 

Serious as a heart attack JOW #1250

I try to find humor in almost everything; it makes life a little more palatable.   In the past I have had all sorts of JOW themes, including joking about some serious topics.  Since I have coronary artery disease, I thought heart conditions would make a good topic to explore.  Here are some jokes with real heart. 

 

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

A bear attack would definitely be worse.

 

A man went to jail for stealing a heart.

I guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

 

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

 

Dual Heart Attack Message by A Girl.

1st Message: “Let’s Breakup Now, It’s All Over”
2nd Message: “Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You “

 

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

 

Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack

mainly because their hearts are already broken

 

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

 

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you're playing charades; nobody gonna help you.

 

My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said, “That gave me a heart attack!”

I told him “Actually that was a stroke”

 

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?

Arr me hearty!

 

An American has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks: "Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:
“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

 

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents. The poor man dyed a loan.

 

Then there was the man who got into a fight with a man who was dating the woman he fancied.  He won the fight, but the poor fellow had a fatal heart attack and fell down on the man he had just knocked down.

He was dead on a rival.

 

Another poor fellow had a massive heart attack during sex

He came and went at the same time.

An American man has a heart attack at his home.

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and asks her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed.

The woman is hysterical. "How could this have happened?!"

The doctor replies, "Well, we had shown him the cost for the ambulance..."

 

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs. Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously
“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news…”

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

 

A lady told me her grandpa had a heart attack over the summer and she felt at least partially responsible.
He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available.  She suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.
But if it wasn't for that, he never would have visited OnlyFans.

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

 And finally some medical advice.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.  The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.