Grab Bag JOW #1288

I normally have a theme for my jokes, but not this week.  I just have a collection of random jokes and observations.  I am not sure if the term 'grab bag' is still in general use, but the meaning should be clear even to the younger readers.  The horrific floods in the Hill Country are on my mind so a light flood jokes slipped in later in the post. 

 

I have many hidden talents.  I am not sure just what they are – they’re very well hidden

 

Someday you will find someone who will love you forever, no matter what you do.  It will probably be a dog.

 

You can’t help getting old but that doesn't mean you can’t stay immature.

 

I am not sure if we get wiser as we get older or if we just run out of stupid things to do.

 

Another thing about getting older, I am about as likely to get athlete’s foot as a coal miner is to get sunstroke.

 

I may be getting old but I am still keeping my strength up.  I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand.

 

We get so much stuff from Amazon these days that we got a wedding invitation from one of our drivers.

 

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

 

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

 

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and completely submerged his home in briny water.

Now he’s in a pickle.

 

My wife just shoved a key lime pie in my face and stormed out of the house!

I've been desserted!

 

BREAKING NEWS: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo.

He has taken 6 ostriches

 

If a class going to cosmetology school can’t make it because of a snowstorm, do they have a makeup day?

 

A waitress asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers.  It took three rounds before I won on a TKO.

 

My boss came storming into the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

 

Why do they call them thunderstorms and not lightning storms?

Thunderstorms just *sound* better

 

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

 

A very international joke:

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me,

 

A man was doing yard work this weekend.  His wife was in the house. He realized that he couldn’t find the rake so he yelled up to his wife, “Where’s the rake?”
She couldn’t hear him and so she shouted back, “What?”
He pointed to my eye, then to pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

The wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”.
He repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE”.
She nodded and signaled back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Exasperated, the man went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”
She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

 

What do you call a parking lot that has been flooded?
Carpool.

 

Long ago the Vikings were going to divert the river to flood Paris...

But they didn't want to cause a Seine.

 

Why did the trout cross the road?
Because it’s flooded.

 

After the flood, Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.

As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.

“Noah, Noah!” they cried. “Can you get us some logs?”

Noah, groaning, complied with the request.

Months passed. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.

They ask, “Can you get us more logs?”

Noah, clearly pissed, says, “Fine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”

The dad snake replies, “Oh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”

And finally:

A couple were awakened at 3 AM by loud banging on their front door.

The husband got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" He screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." he grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3 AM and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, the husband got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."