All Wet JOW

I have a request for some sailing humor. Well, there just aren’t that many jokes about sailing. But I do have some sailor jokes, fishing jokes, and of course, Pirate Jokes.
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”

First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."

A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''

All Wet JOW

We have had some rain here in the greater Houston area, and that means flooding. People continue to build in flood plains and pave over every square foot of land in the area, so it is pretty much expected. All this water reminded me of one of my favorite jokes.

A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, the National Guard in a big truck comes by.
"Need any help?" they ask him.
But the man said, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by. The man in the boat yells, "Need any help?"
But the man smiles and says, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, "Need any help?!"
But the man just says, "Nope! The Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns.
When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, "Lord, why didn't you take care of me?"
The Lord says, "Well, I sent you the National Guard, a rowboat and a helicopter!"

A guy walks into the doctors office with a radish in one ear, an olive in the other, a cherry tomato in one nostril and some parsley in the other.
"I don't feel so good," he says to the doctor.
"Well," the doctor replied, "that's because you're not eating right."

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Tiffany’s favorite joke: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see that I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin

Every morning when I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave. - George Burns

Wise words from Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne's World: You know I thought I had mono once for an entire year--turned out I was just really bored.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she catches me in bed with another woman. - Steve Martin on relationships

From Bil
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." – Anonymous (Oh prudent man!)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Same anonymous guy

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Sam Kinison

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...