Cheery words of wisdom JOW 1077

 Words are wisdom are in short supply.  Not the words, the wisdom.  Instead of sharing wise sayings we tend to spout shallow memes.  My JOW starts with a few wise and amusing observations and then, predictably, goes downhill.  I do hope you enjoy them.

Woody sent me some words of wisdom from 1930’s comedian and social commentator Will Rodgers.

·         Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco

·         Never kick a cow chip on a hot day

·         There are two theories about arguing with a woman.  Neither one works.

·         Never drink upstream from the herd.

·         Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in

·         Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The 80’s equivalent of Will Rodgers was Norm from the comedy show ‘Cheers’.  Every time Norm would enter the bar he would have an exchange with Woody the barkeep.  Here are some examples:

'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'
'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

‘How’s your wife, Norm?’
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.'

And my personal favorite:

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'

There were some brands of popsicles that put jokes on the sticks.  Do they still do that?  Anyway, here are some Popsicle-style jokes. 

How does a thread get to school?
A spool bus.

Why did the man hold his shoe to his ear?
Because he liked sole music.

What crew mans a haunted ship?
A skeleton crew.

Where do dogs hate to shop?
The flea market.

Where do cows go for entertainment?
Moo-vies.

What do golfers love to drink?
A cup of tee.

Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?
A meatball.

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The pavement!

How did the computer catch a fish?
With its internet.

Why can’t you play soccer with pigs?
They hog the ball.

What kind of pets does a band have?
Trumpets.

What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

Where were pencils invented?
PENCIL-vania.

How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

What did Mr. & Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
Patty.

Why are frogs rarely angry?
They eat whatever bugs them.

Where does an elephant keep its suitcase?
In its trunk.

Enough with the observations.  Here are some non-sequitur jokes:

·         What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

·         Why did Katie break open her piggy bank? She ran out of money.

·         What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator.

·         What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

·         Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

·         If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… Then my illegal logging company is a success.

·         How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.

·         I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.

·         What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing? Drinking alcohol.

·         How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

·         I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to get out of his fort.

·         You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

·         Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.

·         You know what they say? Words.

·         What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon? Does my breath smell like garbage?

·         I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

·         Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along.

·         Learn sign language. It’s very handy.

·         Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.

·         What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician? A tattoo.

·         Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty good spring and summer too.

·         What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

And finally, a joke for Woody

A man was sun bathing at a nude beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A tipsy woman walked past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."