Go for the Goal JOW#1309

 

The calendar year has come to an end.  For me and mine, 2025 was a pretty good year.  The new year is a great time for reflecting.  Well, unless you are a vampire.  So, a whole year has passed. Now it is time for that ridiculous tradition of making New Year’s resolutions.   I can’t believe it’s been a year since I “didn’t” become a better person.  My jokes this week start off with jokes and observations about all those goals people tend to make this time of year, before the theme breaks down and I just put in some random jokes. `

I sincerely wish all of you a happy and prosperous New Year. 

Here are my last jokes of 2025.

 

New Year’s resolutions like babies? They’re fun to make but exhausting to maintain.

 

Lots of people will be looking forward to new things.  For example, Zohran Mamdani finally has his first job.

 

I did it! I followed my goal to save $50 from each paycheck.  Of course I don’t have any paychecks….

 

What is the minimum number of people does it take to have a New Years party?

Two and a fifth

 

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other,"

 

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

 

I gave up drinking for the new year

Sorry, that came out wrong.
I gave up.
Drinking for the new year.

 

I also want to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

 

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive; but only if it's okay with you guys.

 

I plan on writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It will be a play on words.

 

I'm thinking about going to Japan again, like last year.  Of course, I didn't go to Japan last year.   I just thought about going

 

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

 

If you’re interviewing for a fast-food job they ask about your short- and long-term goals tell them this:

Short term: I want to work at McDonalds
Long term: I don’t want to work at McDonalds

 

I always try to turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the infectious disease clinic

 

 

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat less and exercise scams.

 

My goal was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far.

 

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds this year.  I only have 30 pounds to go

 

I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it - cause it's the only thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

 

The wife caught me on the weight scale, sucking in my stomach.

“That won’t help you, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” I replied, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

 

Losing weight is like golf – I’m not very good at it.

Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.

~~~~~~~~

 

My wife fills the dog’s water bowl with filtered water from the fridge

I asked her why

“She would do the same for me,” she replied.

 

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts.

"Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away."

"Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

 

I watched a reality show where the goal is to do as many drugs as possible without getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

When a man was young, he set a life goal for himself: he will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 50. This year, he’s finally achieved half of the goal.

He turned 50.

 

Man: I wish I had a Lamborghini

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: About $5. which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5. and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending $45. each day and each month at $1350. In one year, it would be approximately $16,500…correct?
Man: That sounds about right
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $16,500 not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $325,00. correct?
Man: More or less
Woman: If you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Lamborghini?!

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Lamborghini?”

 

And finally, from the ‘can’t win file’:

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that.
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

 

 

Xmas Week JOW #1308

Christmas Day is this week, as so the hurley burley of the season if in full cry.  I like Christmas but admit that it is best for families with little kids.  Nevertheless, it is a lot of fun.  I hope each and every one of you have a happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year.  Here is a gift of some holiday jokes to put you in a good mood – I hope.

 

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She sang, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

 

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

 

What did the hipster say the day after the holiday feast?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

 

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

 

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

 

Why are socks the ultimate mystery gift?

You never know if they’ll pair well.

 

What do minimalists put on their wish lists?

Less.

 

I'm sending a lot of people telepathic Christmas gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

 

What dinosaur is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

 

What do you call a glass gift, that’s also advice?

A clear and pre-sent warning.

 

Some knock-knock jokes that should be sung.

Knock, knock! 

Who's there? 

Freeze. 

Freeze who? 

Freeze a jolly good fellow

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Dexter. 

Dexter who? 

Dexter halls with boughs of holly

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Anna. 

Anna who? 

Anna partridge in a pear tree

`````

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been promoting breath mints to increase sales.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

 

Why do Chinese people love iPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

 

 I wanted to play D&D all day on Christmas but...No dice.

 

Son - “Dad I want some Bitcoin for Christmas”
Dad: - “What?? Why do you need $85K for? You know how difficult it is to earn $95K dollars? You will learn difficulty of earning $70K when you get a job.”

 

A man was looking for a last-minute Christmas presents was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a life-sized brass rat figurine pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.  The owner warned him that this particular brass figurine allegedly came with a powerful curse.  The man disparaged this as superstitious nonsense and decided to buy the figurine.  The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat scurrying behind him.  Within minutes, the whole area was swarming with the vermin all following the man and his brass rat. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road with an ever-increasing number of rats in pursuit.  Hemmed in by the rushing rodents he ran out onto a dock at the edge of the bay and threw the brass rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran right past the man and followed the figurine into water.  Soon the rats were all gone.
He returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat.

When the shopkeeper recognized him, he said, "Back again already, sir? Is there something wrong with your figurine?"
"Oh, no, not at all," replied the man, "I was just wondering if you had any brass figurines of a lawyer."

 

And finally, a gift story:

Woman visited an antique store and found a beautiful wardrobe. She decided to buy it but explained that it was too big to fit through her door.
The clerk told her that they could disassemble it, deliver it to her house and then assemble it in her bedroom. So, they did just that.
Next day woman called to the store and explained, that her house is near the railroad and last night when train was passing by, the wardrobe couldn't stand the shaking and fell apart.
The store sent out a worker to reassemble and fix the wardrobe. He made sure to tighten all the screws.
But the next day she called again and explained that once again the wardrobe broke as train was passing by.
They again send a worker, he fixes it, tighten all the screws, glues some parts and tries to shake it to make sure it is sturdy as hell.
But the next day woman called again. The worker came to her house, assembled it again and then said. "Listen, I've assembled this wardrobe twice and it broke apart both times when the train passed by. I have no idea what's going on, but there must be some loose point inside; I just can't figure out where the weakness is. I propose that I go inside the wardrobe, wait for the train, and see what exactly is causing it to fall apart so I can fix it properly."
Woman agreed, so the worker goes inside the wardrobe with a flashlight.
As the worker is observing behavior of the wardrobe, woman's husband returned from business trip. He walks into the bedroom and sees the new wardrobe.
"What a beautiful wardrobe you bought" he said to his wife and proceeded to walk to the wardrobe and open it up only to see a man inside.
The worker look him dead in the eye and says: "You know, just beat me up now because you won't believe me when I tell you that I am waiting here for the train."

 

 

 

 

A New Old JOW #1307

I have always been interested in history and thus, archeology.  I have friends that still go on digs.  The subject was on my mind when it was time to do my weekly jokes.  Alas, I do not know all that many archeology jokes; it is considered a grave topic.  So, I when I ran out of those jokes, I shifted to the next best thing: antiques.

 

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Because its career advancement is in ruins.

 

I dated a Greek girl during my latest archeology expedition.

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

 

What did the archaeologist find?

He won't tell me, but he said it's groundbreaking

 

After years of dating an Archaeologist, it’s finally over.

She was always digging up the past.

 

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

 

Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters

They love all that underground stuff.

 

Archaeologists discovered an ancient city in Iraq.

According to the archaeologists, ancient Iraqis looked like skeletons, lived underground, and walked lying down.

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.

The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a betting slip in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins.  Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist
"Graham, I've found three pots of gold coins!"
"What's that John? You've found two pots of gold coins?"
"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

 

A team of British archaeologists at a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 1500 years ago.
In response to this, Scottish archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires. From this discovery, they concluded that Scots were advanced enough 2000 years ago to have telephone connections in all their towns and cities.
Not to be outdone by their old enemies, the Irish formed a crack team of their own archaeologists and sent them to dig. They dug to a depth of 25 feet and found absolutely nothing.  From this, they concluded that they were so far ahead of the British and Scots that 2500 years ago, they had wireless networks.

 

Thinking about old stuff got me onto the topic of antiques in general.

 

A man walks into an Antique Shop and asks “what’s new?”

 

You know you're getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

 

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

 

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assassinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

Shopping for antiques won't make you a lesbian, but it might make you buy curios.

 

I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

 

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the ivory keys on my antique piano.

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

 

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up, that's distressing.

I was shopping online for antique guns, and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.  Most of them were never fired and only dropped once.

 

A man bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.  He carefully carried it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and said “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!”
To which the drunk replies “Why don’t you wear a watch like everyone else?”

 

And finally, back to archaeology

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.
The donkey shows they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel tells us they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”
However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree.
“Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explained.
The symbols say:
“Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that chick.”

 

Football JOW #1306

 

Football season is wrapping which makes it easy for a theme because a lot of teams this season are a joke. 

 

Did you hear about the Football player who’s missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

 

A football coach yelled at his team after the game:

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

 

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

 

What would a Texans fan do if the Texans won the Super Bowl?

Turn off the video game and go to bed.

 

 What did the coach Say to the broken vending machine?
“Give me my quarterback!”

 

Year after year the Alabama college football team plays very well together?

It’s like they are all one big family

 

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for seven seasons.

 

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

 

Washington DC should have named their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

 

According to some outlets, the Minnesota Vikings are considering changing their name to the Minnesota Somalia Pirates

 

In a recent poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex?

Most of them responded, sex, but at halftime.

 

Wife to Husband watching football: “We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me!”

Husband at the next commercial break: “Of course I choose you, honey.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks.

"Because my wife cancelled our cable."

 

A football team that needed to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.  Unfortunately, the airline overbooked first class and one of the players has to give up their seat.
A bench player stepped up and said, "Put me in coach."

 

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma that will attract people of my generation.

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

 

I found a used football in a secondhand store.  I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He shrugged and said, “Inflation".

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

 

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football as he knows a lot about football and is sure he can pick some winners.
The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him they have pro football games today, and the gambler places bets on seven pro football games. He loses all seven bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him there's a Monday Night Football game, and the gambler bets on it. He loses again.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie says, "It's Tuesday. There are no football games today. But there are a lot of hockey games you can bet on."
"Hockey!?" the gambler exclaims. "What do I know about hockey?"

 

And with the World Cup starting soon I have a few jokes about the other football game: soccer.  Which raises the question; why do they call it football if they play it with a soccer ball? 

 

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

 

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a soccer match

Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who?

 

And finally,

The Nigerian football team apologized for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

  

Cop Out JOW JOW #1305

My jokes this week are more or less about police or no particular reason.  Ya’ll be careful out there and avoid seeing party lights in your rear view mirror.  Here are some light jokes for your amusement.

 

What are the four food groups for cops?

Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.

 

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

 

A rainbow was recently arrested and set to prism; it was a light sentence.

 

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

 

Breaking News: There was a break-in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

 

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

 

I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.

Funny… I don’t remember applying for a job there.

 

A police officer asked me where I was between five and six.

I told him I was not sure but was probably in first grade.

 

“I thought cops didn’t give tickets to pretty girls.”

“We don’t’ Sign here.”

 

“My trained drug detecting canine tells me you are on drugs.”

“Hey, you are the one talking to a dog.”

 

An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.

He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.” 

Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

 

Officer: “How high are you?”

Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?'”

 

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were ‘I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids.’

 

Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until I misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

 

Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”

Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she’s a great cook."

 

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

 

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was missing.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.

 

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
"I know!  What is she complaining about now?"

 

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the scene of the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

 

Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.” 

Officer: “There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.” 

Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you — I’m really far behind.”

 

Officer: “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.” 

Driver: “Officer, I have contacts.” 

Officer: “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”

 

Officer: “I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?”

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there? Dishes. 

Dishes who? 

Dishes the police. Open up!

A Southern Story

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market Road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idea...". 

Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" 

With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"

 

And finally

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?"

He says yes and forgives her.

"And the second time, do you remember when our son got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?"

He says yes and forgives her.

"And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"

 

Holidaze JOW #1304

The holidays are here in full force.  I always associate this time of year with fall and the onset of winter.  I do not associate it with low temperatures in the mid 70’s.  It is way too hot to be Thanksgiving.  That said, the calendar says it is time for Thanksgiving – and I am genuinely thankful for all my many blessings and look forward to the feast itself.  I have some jokes about Thanksgiving and pies and such.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

 

For those who need hints on how to take a nap in a chair after Thanksgiving dinner, let me offer some hints.  

Be old

Sit in a chair after dinner

 

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

 

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

 

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

 

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.  

 

How do you end an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

 

Why don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

 

Why don’t turkeys mind thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents

 

Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving?

It’s too fowl.  Actually, it’s three fowls

 

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks.

"Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?"

"Yes," the butcher sighs.

"So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender asks.

The butcher sighs again, "The outside."

 

A man went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked pie.

"Excuse me, love." he said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."
"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away from here."

 

Speaking of pie, or pi rather.

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin-pi!

 

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.  (A fractional joke)

 

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.

 

What letter can be made into a pie?

P can

 

What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

 

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

Chicken pot pie.

My three favorite things. How about you?

 

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”

 

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

 

A man’s wife threw a pie in his face and stormed out of the house.

He was desserted!

 

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

 

Some good old knock, knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben!
Ben who?
Ben waiting for Thanksgiving all year!

 

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys!
Gladys who?
Gladys finally Thanksgiving Day!

 

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes!
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad Thanksgiving joke!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gwen.
Gwen who?
Gwen do we finally get to eat Thanksgiving dinner?

 

Enough of the holiday theme

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what psychedelics to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

 

And old people are not being lazy.  We are just energy efficient.

 

At my age the best part of waking up is realizing you did not die in our sleep

 

The problem is that younger me did not realize there would be an older me.

 

I need a new friend.  The last one escaped.

 

As I have gotten older I have learned that pleasing everybody is impossible.  On the other hand, pissing everybody off is a piece of cake.

 

An Irish Toast

My you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live.

 

French Toast

Eggs, bread, cinnamon, and syrup

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks.

"Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So, I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."

 

Finally, as a public service I am providing women some useful tips.

Ladies, sometimes you just have to tell your husband a really long, meandering story involving people he doesn't really know doing things that don't pertain to him. The important thing is knowing when the right time is to do it.

Here are the perfect times to interrupt what he's doing to tell him a story:

---

·        The last two minutes of his team's playoff game: The tighter the score, the better.a

·        When he turns his nightstand lamp off and lays his head on his pillow: He wouldn't do those things if he actually wanted to sleep.

·        On a long car ride: It's not like he can go anywhere.

·        When he's halfway out the door to go hang out with the guys: You can also try stopping the story to do something else and make him wait for you to come back to the story.

·        As soon as he's holding something incredibly heavy: Make sure you don't start until after he has already lifted it, though.

·        When you can tell he needs to go to the bathroom: Hearing you out is far more important than urgent bodily functions.