Go for the Goal JOW#1309

 

The calendar year has come to an end.  For me and mine, 2025 was a pretty good year.  The new year is a great time for reflecting.  Well, unless you are a vampire.  So, a whole year has passed. Now it is time for that ridiculous tradition of making New Year’s resolutions.   I can’t believe it’s been a year since I “didn’t” become a better person.  My jokes this week start off with jokes and observations about all those goals people tend to make this time of year, before the theme breaks down and I just put in some random jokes. `

I sincerely wish all of you a happy and prosperous New Year. 

Here are my last jokes of 2025.

 

New Year’s resolutions like babies? They’re fun to make but exhausting to maintain.

 

Lots of people will be looking forward to new things.  For example, Zohran Mamdani finally has his first job.

 

I did it! I followed my goal to save $50 from each paycheck.  Of course I don’t have any paychecks….

 

What is the minimum number of people does it take to have a New Years party?

Two and a fifth

 

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other,"

 

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

 

I gave up drinking for the new year

Sorry, that came out wrong.
I gave up.
Drinking for the new year.

 

I also want to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

 

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive; but only if it's okay with you guys.

 

I plan on writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It will be a play on words.

 

I'm thinking about going to Japan again, like last year.  Of course, I didn't go to Japan last year.   I just thought about going

 

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

 

If you’re interviewing for a fast-food job they ask about your short- and long-term goals tell them this:

Short term: I want to work at McDonalds
Long term: I don’t want to work at McDonalds

 

I always try to turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the infectious disease clinic

 

 

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat less and exercise scams.

 

My goal was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far.

 

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds this year.  I only have 30 pounds to go

 

I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it - cause it's the only thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

 

The wife caught me on the weight scale, sucking in my stomach.

“That won’t help you, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” I replied, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

 

Losing weight is like golf – I’m not very good at it.

Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.

~~~~~~~~

 

My wife fills the dog’s water bowl with filtered water from the fridge

I asked her why

“She would do the same for me,” she replied.

 

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts.

"Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away."

"Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

 

I watched a reality show where the goal is to do as many drugs as possible without getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

When a man was young, he set a life goal for himself: he will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 50. This year, he’s finally achieved half of the goal.

He turned 50.

 

Man: I wish I had a Lamborghini

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: About $5. which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5. and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending $45. each day and each month at $1350. In one year, it would be approximately $16,500…correct?
Man: That sounds about right
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $16,500 not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $325,00. correct?
Man: More or less
Woman: If you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Lamborghini?!

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Lamborghini?”

 

And finally, from the ‘can’t win file’:

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that.
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*