On Fire JOW #1264

 The fires in Los Angles are a genuine catastrophe, impacting millions of people including my good friends Dick and Jane who had to evacuate their home.  With my mind on the devastating fires, my mind as it does turned to making light of situation.  This may seem callous, but humor is a way to deal with hash times.  Comedian Pete Lee went on Jimmy Fallon and made jokes about the fires.  To those who criticized Lee for making jokes about the fires as "too soon," the funny man shot back: "My house burnt down, I can make jokes about this."  So, if a professional comedian who lost his home can tell jokes, I guess I can feature in my Jokes of the Week while continuing to pray for those so terribly affected by the ongoing fires.

 

 

What happens if you fire the firefighters?
More fire. Duh.

 

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" again this year.

 

What did the beaver say when his structure caught fire?
“Hot dam!”

 

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?
Surely fire is warm enough already!

 

How do you put out a fire with one hand? You make sure it’s a match!

 

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant…What’s on the outside?
K9P.

 

Do you remember when they first invented fire?
It was a hot commodity.

 

Despite being fire-breathing monsters, dragons will never actually explode.
But a dino might.

 

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?
Bros before hose.

 

If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are exactly alike
Then you’ll have a match.

 

Caveman discovers fire,

Caveman discovers marijuana.
Stoned age begins.

 

 

What do you do when your musical instrument is on fire?
You stop, rock, and roll.

 

How did the fire fall in love?
It found its perfect match!

 

How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.

And a few grimmer jokes on fire

What do you call a man who’s on fire?
Bernie.

 

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?
A piglet

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes that is on fire?
No flaming idea.

 

“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”
“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

 

A man filed a claim with his insurance company after his house burned.
The insurance agent said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?”
The owner said, “Fire and theft.”

The agent frowned. “Uh oh. That’s the wrong kind. It should be fire OR theft. The only way you can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it’s burning down.”

 

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging Los Angeles. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.
Because the roads were blocked he decides to rent an airplane and do some aerial photography. He gets permission from his editor, and is told to report at a nearby airport, where a small aircraft will be on the tarmac waiting for him.
Upon arrival at the airport, he sees a plane warming up, so he jumps in with his bag of equipment, and says "Let's go!"
In no time at all, the pilot is taxiing down the runway, and the plane heads into the sky.
"What I'd like you to do," says the photographer to the pilot, "is fly over the fires, making a few low passes, so I can take some photos."
"Why?" asks the pilot.

"Isn't it obvious?" says the man, "I'm a photographer, and photographers take photos."
The pilot is completely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammers, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

 

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!”
The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!”
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. “What the hell are you doing??”
“Getting a proper sample size!”
And finally

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.
In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the fire fighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”