Men and Women JOW #1142

We have been enjoying a respite from the heat in the Rocky Mountains, first in Big Sky Montana, and now in Estes Park.  I have not really had time to put together a proper JOW this week, but instead purloined something from Dave Berry about the differences between men and women. 

From my perspective this is how things sometimes go:

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: gosh. Six months?
And Elaine is thinking: but, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking and I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking they'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs...
"I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it at all.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Disastrous JOW #1140

 One would think the world was being overwhelmed with disasters and catastrophes.  Of course, the world has ALWAYS had disasters, it is just that now, thanks to modern communications and hardworking journalists, we are able to see them all in our homes every night.  For some reason, these ‘emotion vampires’ think I am interested in the answer to, ‘How does losing your family in this tragic way make you feel?”   But there is always a spark of humor beneath the wreckage - one that probably ignites a fire the ultimately consumes the whole pile.  Still, disasters are my theme this week.  I hope you can see the humor in them.

 

Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The network news camera man.

 

Most people’s disaster plans are to run around in circles shouting ‘what do we do?  What do we do?’

 

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies, you would almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

 

All of the world's natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst.

Avalanche won by a landslide.

 

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

 

Experts are predicting a natural disaster so severe that only the rich and powerful will survive.

 

Of course, the wealthy can afford to have an underground bunker filled with essential supplies; they call it a ‘wine cellar’.

 

My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster.

It was over even before it began.

 

A ginger tomcat won overall best in the cat show. It was a cat-has-trophy.

 

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees earthquakes are messages from Mother Gaia.

It's called The Order of Magnitude.

 

Goya unsuccessfully tried to cover up a disaster at one of their factories

Someone spilled the beans.

 

Did you hear about the Binary disaster?  No One survived.

 

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

 

Here are some non-disaster jokes.

 

A principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening.
The teacher told him "I can't continue doing this anymore.  I am trying to teach them history but they seem completely ignorant.  Let me show you.” The teacher called on a student and asked him, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln."
The student was terrified, "I swear it wasn't me, I never even met him."
He turned to the principal and told him, "What do you think about that?"
The principal was shocked, "Are you sure the killer is in this class?"

>>>> 

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it didn’t work out.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

^^^^

A man dies suddenly and shows up in heaven.  When he gets there, he sees an angel sitting down at a desk with a book. "What's your name, and how did you die?" The angel asks.

"Rick Thomson, and I fell down my stairs." the man replies.
The angel flips through the book and then looks back up to Rick. "It looks like it isn't your time to die just yet." the angel explains, "Shall I send you back?"

“Sure”’ Rick agrees.
Back on Earth, Rick finds himself fully healed at the bottom of the stairs. He takes a minute to compose himself before going outside to work, only to immediately get run over by a car.
"*Now* it's your time to die" The angel says.

___

My wife came home with an escalator yesterday…she said it was marked down…

+++

When I was in high school in the ’70s, my Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band’s name was Hall & Oates

>>>> 

An actuary is flexible; they are either right, or can prove it to be so.

=====

When I got home, I realized I'd accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed... upset... disappointed... vexed... disconcerted.

<<<< 

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Finally, back to the disaster theme.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he called out. He tripped and almost fell several times.
He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

 

Get your Red Hot JOW #1141

 

The UN just announced that the world population will reach eight billion by the end of the year.  When I was born, it was 2.5 billion.   When I was born, the world CO2 level was 320 ppm.  Today it is over 420 ppm.  I consider myself as sort of an environmental hipster; I believed in global warming before it was co... Never mind, even I can’t write a joke that bad.  How about this: I am so old I remember when glaciers were cool.  Anyway, I try to find something humorous in everything.  If I can do a JOW about accountants, I can tackle global climate change.

____

Walking out to my truck today, in Texas, I can’t help but think, Joe Biden has really overdone it with his global warming plan.

 

How many politicians does it take the solve climate change?

Trick question: politicians can't solve anything.

 

Maybe they need a new mascot to humanize the problem.  Something like Melty, the Climate change snowman

 

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

 

We should all stop studying global warming in colleges.

Because every time someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

 

What do Transformers do when it gets hot?

They put on a tank top.

 

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast. 

 

Flat-earthers don’t see a problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising.  The excess water will just flow off the edge of the Earth.

 

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

 

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

 

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

 

Is it okay to mock people for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

 

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

 

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents:

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

 

Man: “Why is it raining pennies and quarters?”
Climate:”Change”

 

Tor the Pirate decided to retire.  He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his solid ground. Finally, he realized only one solution was possible: he was going to have to plank the walk.

Some sort-of related jokes

Angry Notes 

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear America,
You gave us Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..."
Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

 

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

~~~~~~

Me: What do you do?

Jim: I am into Global prosthetics distribution.
Me: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Jim: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

^^^^

An older gentleman kept having trouble activating his Amazon Echo, because could not remember its name, Alexa.

“Just think of the car Lexus and add an “A” at either end,” His daughter suggested.

The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Then he remembered what his daughter had said and confidently called out, “Acura!”

And finally:

I encountered time traveler from the year 2045 yesterday. He sat down and said he wanted to tell me some things about the future because if this knowledge was entrusted to me, I could be trusted to use it for good. Over the next few minutes he told me about many things but I was left with many questions. He said I could ask a few, so I did.
I asked about climate change. He assured me that after 2035, nations got serious and the problem has been all but solved.
I asked about Covid-19. He assured me it would be a blip on the radar of human history and nobody worries about pandemics anymore.
I asked about massive economic turmoil we are in. He said despite the borrowing and deficits of earlier times, those debts are now repaid. The United States has never been a better more united society. Everyone has free healthcare.
I was so happy to hear all this. I asked about inflation and how much it costs for a gallon of water, or a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee. He chuckled and said I didn't need to worry about such trivial things. In the year 2045, it was possible to still get coffee at Starbucks in America for under 150 Yuan.

 

JOW With a Bang #1139

 The Fourth of July is when we combine dangerous chemicals: beer and fireworks, to celebrate America.  So I have a few jokes about fireworks, and then I shift to some Rickrolling memes.  

~~~~

“I realize we all grieve in our own way, ma’am but the crematorium staff did not appreciate the fireworks you put in your late husband’s pockets.”

````

The highlight of the illegal fireworks show was that house burning down.

+++

The final exam for her visual design class was to design a fireworks display. She passed with flying colors.

====

Why is it that men who sell fireworks are so often called ‘Lefty’ or ’Stumpy’?

^^^^^

If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand   - You might be a redneck.

<<<< 

How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

>>>> 

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

----

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

~~~

Amidst all of the distractions on this 4th of July, let’s not forget what we’re celebrating:

That the British blew a 13 colony lead

++++

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking beer and eating s’mores and just generally having a grand old time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.
"Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do your little speech.
"Oh, yeah, the speech. Yeah, that thing. Nah, I can't. Can't remember it."
"Whaddya mean you can't remember the words? It's the speech; you've said it a million times! You've got that like burned in your brain, right?"
"Well, yeah, normally, sure, I've got it memorized, but that was four s'mores and seven beers ago."

++++++++++++++++++++

And now for something entirely different.[tp1] 

I recently got Rickrolled when I clicked on a link which opened to the music video for Rick Astley’s 1987 hit song “Never Gonna Give You Up.”  Rickrolling is when you troll someone on the internet by linking to the aforementioned song.  Rickrolling has become such a meme that using the words of the song has become another form of Rickrolling in and of itself.  These bits below kind of require you to know the chorus of the popular song.  Here is your very own Rickrolling link.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

 

Rick Astley's releasing a new song 'Brexit'.  It's titled:
Never Gonna Give EU Up

 

Rick Astley’s guide to password management

* Never going to give you out
* Never going to write you down
* Never going to run around and reuse you

 

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British and they are never going to give ‘u’ up.

 

Where is the best place to hide if you are running from the police?

Rick Astley’s house he's never gonna give you up

 

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I’m never gonna run around and dessert you.

 

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

 

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

 

You walk into a bar and see Rick Astley sitting alone

You sit next to him and start talking
Eventually, the conversation leads to talk of your favorite Pixar movies
Rick tells you that his favorite of all time is Up, he even owns a physical copy of the movie with bonus features
You say that you've always wanted to see it but never have
He says it's a great movie, you have to see it
Nervously, you ask Rick if you can borrow his copy of the movie
He says no
He's never gonna give you Up

In doing so, he has let you down.
*This is the Astley paradox*

 

Rick, a salesman, specialized in real estate. As he was talking to a client named Mr. Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have I seen such a lovely house!"
"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick, worrying about the poor condition of the upper floor.
"Give me the paperwork" said Mr. Down. "I'm gonna."
"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin.

"Up we go I guess" said Down "I wanna see the second floor."
"NEVER!" said Rick. “Let’s get dinner first.”
"Gonna pay for me?" asked Down.
"Let me think..... of course, I will."
"You are the best!" said Down But while they were driving to the restaurant they got in a terrible car accident.
"Down! Are you okay?" asks Rick.

"Rick," he says, "read the first word of every line"
"Damnit" said Rick.

 

Here is a little linguistics puzzle for you:

What is the opposite of?

Always

Coming

From

Take

Me

Down

Now say your answers aloud.

 

Enough Rickrolling.  Some random pirate jokes.

 

What is a pirate’s favorite firework?

Argh, M80

 

 A woman asks the Pirate Captain “How far is the closest land?”

“Three miles”, he answers.

“That’s not too bad, in which direction? She asks.

The Captain replied “Down”

======

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, “Hey, what’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Argh, I’ve got a bounty on my head.”

 

And finally, a joke for Catholics.

“I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a bad girl.”

“We’ve been over this before, Mary.  It’s ‘bless me Father for I have sinned’.”

 

 

 

---

 [tp1] 

Eating JOW #1138

Do you remember the dystopian old movie Soylent Green?  In the future, Earth is overpopulated and totally polluted; the natural resources have been exhausted and the nourishment of the population is provided by Soylent Industries, a company that makes a food they say consists of plankton from the oceans.  In the end the hero finds out that in reality “Soylent Green is people!”  Well that movie from 1973 was set in the year 2022.  Yikes. 

I have been thinking about food and eating lately.  It is a curiosity that for the first time in history, lots of people are more worried about eating too much food instead of getting enough.  Anyway, here are a few jokes about food and eating.

 

I used to think the four food groups were: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

 

A new study says people can eat health food for only an extra $2 a day.  Think of all the money I am saving.

 

When I eat cake I justify it by saying its ‘somebody’s’ birthday today.

 

According to the Mac and Cheese box I am an entire family of four.

 

Every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Friday, and Sunday.

 

If you are what you eat, there are a lot of people eating fruit cake these days.

 

Forget eating healthy.  At this point in my life I need all the preservatives I can get.

 

Helpful note: If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

 

You never realize how little self-control you have until the waiter at a Mexican restaurant puts chips and salsa in front of you.

 

Why is it that comfort food leads to so much discomfort later on?

 

If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

 

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than men who point that out.

 

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

 

Restaurant sign – Eat here or we will both starve.

 

Eating too much cake is a sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

 

Eating my clock took me all day.

It was very time consuming

 

What did Han Solo say when he saw Luke Skywalker eating without cutlery?

“Use the Forks, Luke”

+++++++

Waitress to family – “Kids eat free today.”

Parent – “In that case I will have a glass of water and the kids will have the steak and lobster with a glass of wine.”

 

When you wait for a server in a restaurant, doesn't that make you the waiter?

Me to server – “I am going to order broiled skinless chicken, but I want you to bring me lasagna by ‘mistake’.”

 

Ever wonder how veggies play?

Broccoli: “I look like a little tree”

Walnut: “I look like a little brain.”

Mushroom: “I hate this game.”

 

A little girl came home from school quite confused after her first sex-ed class, and asked her mother to explain.
"Well," said her mother, quite embarrassed, "There are birds and there are bees..."
"That's what I don't understand! Don't birds eat bees?"
Her father piped up from the next room, "That's lesson two."

 

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses.

 

A well-meaning mom had a discussion with her five year old son explaining that eating too much junk food and snacks make him fat.
Fast forward to the afternoon, she was with him the bank lined up.  Remembering the conversation about eating too many snacks the boy turns around, with a smirk on his face and an awkward tone, he announces to the pregnant lady....
"Oh, I know what you've been doing"

````

Two women were in a restaurant and ordered fish.
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the women said to the other, "Please help yourself."

The other one said "Okay", and helped herself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

~~~~
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

And finally.

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a

sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”
Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."
"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"
"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

 

 

Old Quotes JOW #1137

 My JOW has always depended on the kindness of, well not strangers, but friends.  Two of them provided me such quality input this week that I simply had to use them.   First, I have some Dad Jokes, because I have a weakness for such jokes, and then a series of quotes about life as we age.  I hope you enjoy these.

Ten Dad Jokes from Tor

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one.

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

4. What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

6. That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

8. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

9. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

 

Okay, here are the funny (to me at least) old quotes:

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 

 

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 

 

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

 

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane 

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 

 

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

 

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown 

 

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton 

 

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot 

 

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell 

 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

 

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns 

 

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault 

 

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown 

 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

 

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney  

 

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon 

 

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 

 

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza 

 

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin 

 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

 

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer 

 

"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker 

 

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous

 

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns 

 

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier 

 

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

 

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein 

 

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner 

 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett 

 

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg 

 

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." – Unknown 

 

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns 

 

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu 

 

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns 

 

"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns 

 

“Time is a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician” – Phyllis Diller

 

And finally

My wife gave me some of our kids old clothes and asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes.  For some reason I ended up being detained.

 

Cruising Along JOW #1136

 

We are safely back from our cruise around Great Britain.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single credit card.  We did have a wonderful holiday, but now it is back to the grueling routine of retirement.  In honor of our trip, I have a few cruising/vacation jokes.

>>>> 

My cabin steward was amazing.  I went to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I came out my bed had been made up again.

 

What did the therapist say to her husband after they got home from vacation?

There’s a lot to unpack here.

 

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

 

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?

Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

 

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He felt like he needed some argh and argh

 

What keeps a dock floating above water?

Pier pressure.

 

Why are fast yachts like furniture stores?

Both always seem to have a sail on.

 

Noah’s Ark was the first couples only cruise.

 

The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat

 

You know what really floats my boat?  Archimedes’’ principle of relative buoyancy

 

What vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?

Leeks

 

Where does Santa go on vacation?

Santa Cruz

 

The wife wanted to go on vacation, but her husband wanted a staycation so they compromised and had an altercation

 

Did you hear about the red cruise ship and the blue cruise ship that crashed into each other at sea?

All the survivors were marooned.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is standing on deck, gazing out at the water. As the ship passes a small remote island, he spots somebody. He squints to make out what he sees – a thin, straggly man with wild looking hair. He watches as the man runs from side to side, jumping up and down and waving his arms. 

The cruise passenger turns to the captain and says “What’s up with that guy?”

The captain shrugs and replies “I don’t know, but he’s sure excited to see us whenever we pass by.”

 

^^^^^^^

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I hate this time of year. My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

>>>>> 

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to get weak. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate. Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and along the furniture, all in the room of the one who dragged them back to the hotel after the bar. They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room emerges from the bathroom, looking a little worse for wear, but overall still there.
He goes: "Not to worry, gents, I’ve made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!"
His friend goes: "What, you out-drank them? That's great news!"
He replies: "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts."

 

Here is a French accent joke:

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.
To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!
He checks the price tag and it's 100 €! Incensed, he asks the shopkeeper "Hey, why the hell does the tag on this shirt say 100 euro?"
The shopkeeper replies "Monsieur - that is Lacoste."

++++++

 

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

And finally

A young man is vacationing in Spain when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.
The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hostels that dot the country. It should be pretty boring, he thinks, but he ends up becoming more and more enthralled. Finally, after the thrilling finish of a round, the now-hooked traveler approaches the bartender.
“Hey,” he hurriedly says, “can I join the next game?”
The bartender arches a bushy eyebrow. “Really? Feeling swept up in the trivia?”
The young man nods. “I’m as surprised as you are, honestly. I wouldn’t have expected that I’d want to play so much.”
The bartender sighs and nods. “Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Quiz itch, son.”