Argumentative JOW #1019

Men and women have been having disagreements since, well, forever.  The man is usually outmaneuvered in these verbal conflicts.  There are two ways a man can argue with a woman.  Neither one works.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.  Two time a week we got to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and some good food.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Here are a few jokes about gender communications.

A romantic wife, missing her husband who was on a trip, sent him this lovely text:

“If you are sleeping send me your dreams.  If you are laughing send me your smile.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying send me your tears.  I love you.”

The husband, an engineer, replied: “I am on the toilet.  Please advise.”

Therapist – Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband – I never even knew she sold flowers.

Husband – I want to you have this bracelet.  It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife – Why does it say “Do Not Resuscitate”?

Husband – I want to be cremated after I die.

Wife – I’ll make an appointment for next Thursday.

Wife – Take me to a restaurant where they make your dinner right in front of you.

Husband – Subway, here we come!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The three hardest things for a man to say.

·         I was wrong

·         I am sorry

·         Worcestershire Sause

And on a different note.

I have a bumper sticker: “Honk if you think I’m Sexy.”  Then I just sit at the light when it turns green until I feel better about myself.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings….

From Dan:

I call my stomach flat.  The ‘L’ is silent.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Exercise makes you look better naked.  So does alcohol…. It’s your choice.

I have a new invention.  I combined a laxative and alphabet soup.  I call it ‘Letter Rip.”

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If you don’t know what to get the man who has everything, try burning down his house.

Dick sent some good ones…

From Argentina: The government has announced that starting May 1 there will be a reduction of 25% for a liter of gasoline.  The new liter will be 750 ml.

Some formerly royal jokes

“Prince Harry is the first man I’ve ever heard of who wants to quit his family so he can spend more time working.”

  

“Prince Harry always wanted to run away from home…he just waited until he was 35, married, and with a small child to do it.”

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are fed up with all the trappings of royal life…they just want to be regular millionaires.”

“Harry and Meghan are sending a terrible message to young people – that if they ever want to leave home they can always find a Canadian billionaire who will give them a place to stay.”

“Harry and Meghan are showing us all how to be independent. First, find that Canadian billionaire who can give you a place to stay.”

Some racy old faux Confucius jokes.

 OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

 Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.

 Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

 Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

 Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.

 Marriage is same as bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

 Viagra just like Disneyland ......One hour wait for 2-minute ride..

 Joke is just like sex.  Neither any good if you don't get it.

 Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick, and it's gone forever.

 Man who buys many prunes, get good run for money.

  

 It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it..

 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs

.

 Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

And finally

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”

“WELL!” Says Lorraine “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he talks about at those prices? I’ll tell you who he talks about! ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!”

Prayerful JOW #1018

I have been thinking about prayer lately.  I am confident prayer works; when I had my brain tumor many of you prayed for me (or perhaps for my surgeons) with good results.  So I am confident in the power of prayer.  When Nancy Pelosi says she is praying for Donald Trump, I believe her - and I recommend Donald Trump get himself a good checkup from his oncologist. 

Here are a few jokes about prayer:

‘’’’’’’’’’

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

++++++++++++

A young boy called the pastor of a local ‘corner’ church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.  The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?" 
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."

=========

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.  You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.      

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."      

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."      

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, "he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

````````````````

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.   The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"      

The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."      

The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"      The old man nods.      "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"      

The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."      

The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"      

"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

---------------------

The temporary Sunday school teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.
Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.
After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"
"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."
No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

>>>>>>>>>> 

There was once a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do.
The atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her."  He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to loudly praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping,  and shouting.
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
Well, she began praising the Lord even louder.  "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

No Account(ing) JOW 1017

I have had to do the minor bookkeeping for my shooting club.  I hate doing the books and can’t imagine doing them for a living - that is what accountants are for.  When I was young I needed some nice clothes that cost $100.  I didn’t have the money so I borrowed $50 from dad and $50 from my mom.  The clothes only cost $97 so I gave my mom and dad $1 each and kept $1 for myself.  Then I realized I owned dad $49, mom $49 which equals $98.  I had one dollar for myself. That is $99. I could never figure out what happened to the other dollar.  That was the moment I realized I could never be an accountant.

So I thought perhaps I should do some accounting jokes.  Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? Nope. Me neither.

Accounting professionals like to think they are calm, composed and methodical. They are sure they can save the world through peace, goodwill, and reconciliation.  They have such strong internal controls, they're never, ever unbalanced. When I ask how many accountants it takes to change a light bulb, one will say, let me run a few numbers and get back to you, quickly concluding: It takes one accountant to do the work and one to make sure it was done within budget.

Do you know many accountants I think it takes to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?

What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

An accountant is the type of man who marries a supermodel for her money.

A tax accountant is a person who takes numbers on pieces of paper and puts the numbers on other pieces of paper.

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular

How do you know when an accountant is on vacation?

He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8 a.m.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. 

"That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend six hours trying to find it."

What does an accountant’s wife say when she can’t get to sleep?  “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

  

 What does an accountant call a trial balance that doesn't balance?

A late night.

A young accountant fresh out of college is interviewed by the owner of a small business. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man. “But mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me. I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.”

“OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?”

“You can start at $75,000 a year,” says the owner.

“That’s a great salary!” says the young accountant. “How can a business like yours afford to pay so much?”

“That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”

Accountant questions

An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
‘Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of $1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to $1,100.
The student said. ‘I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?’
‘No. The question is: do I tell my partner’

If your dog “does his business" in the basement can you deduct it as office space?

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Why was the accountant in rehab? Solvency abuse

Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant? He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency

Why don’t accountants read many novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers

What is the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

What’s an actuary? An accountant without a sense of humor

Why do some accountants become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting

You might be an accountant if:

·         You deduct Ex-Lax as “moving expenses”

·         You have no idea that GAP is a clothing store

·         Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

One last unrelated joke

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones and begins listening to the buzzing sounds.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
 The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
 Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

 The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
 The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side"

Shy, Retiring JOW #1016

It recently realized that I have not had a steady ‘real job’ since 2009.  I guess that means I have been retired for over ten years.  Retirement is wonderful.  It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.   I guess retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.  So I have a few riddles, quotes, truisms, and jokes about poor old retirees.

Retirement riddles

How many days in a retiree’s week?

Six Saturdays and Sunday.

When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes all day.

What is the biggest gripe of retirees?

There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

The term comes with a 10% discount

What is considered formal attire for retirees?

Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count their pennies?

They are the only ones who have the time.

What do retirees call a long lunch?

Normal

What do mathematicians call retirement?

Aftermath

What do you call a person who is glad to see Monday arrive?

Retired

Retired truisms

·         In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon.

·         Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.

·         The money’s not as good in retirement but the hours are way better.

·         When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

·         When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

·         Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

Some quotes

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." — Bill Watterson

“It is better to live rich than to die rich.” — Samuel Johnson

 “There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” — Robert Half

 “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” — Gene Perret

>>>>>>>>>>> 

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

````````

After my 91-year-old woman finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”
She, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

--------

Maurice, and 87 year old man, was very happy living in a nursing home.  After meeting Edna, a 76 year old lady, he was even happier.  Soon he fell deeply in love.  One afternoon while they were taking a walk Maurice plucked up his courage, got down on one knee.  Taking a big gulp he told Edna there were two things he would like to ask her.  Edna smiled and replied, “Alright.”

Maurice asked softly, “Edna, will you marry me?”

Delighted Edna answered him, “Yes.  And what is the second question?”

“Will you please help me get up?”

============

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

Which brought me to this amazing news article

In what has been hailed as ‘a miracle’, one Waterford teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet for almost 6 whole hours.

Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a neighborhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.

The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.

“David survived without access to any social media or video sharing sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an amazed member of Waterford’s child protection services.

“No GIFs, no memes, no porn. It’s incredible to see him in such good condition, considering what he went through. There’s grown adults who can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers.

~~~~~~

Do you remember before the internet that people though the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information?  Yeah, it wasn’t that.

_______

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “Oh no.  It’s a cop.”?

……….

It used to be only death and taxes.  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

And finally, a Dad Joke

A father wanted to prove that he's not just some boring house Dad so he went and got his first tattoo.

When he got home he excitedly showed it off to his wife and kids.

"Oh, cool! It's.. uhh?" his wife asked.

"It's my thermos! From work!" he replied proudly.

His daughter starts to reach out towards him and says, "Well, uh, the line work is certainly…"

Dad slaps her hand away and says, "Don't touch the thermos tat!"

  

Just a Super JOW #1015

The Big Game is this Sunday.  I am not sure if it is worth praying about.  I mean the Patriots aren’t going to the Super Bowl and that’s about all we can ask of God at the moment.  Besides, last year’s Super Bowl was pretty boring.  At the half it was Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0.  With enough chips and beverages I guess the watching football is as good a way to pass a dreary Sunday afternoon as any, I guess.  But it is a Big Deal, and thus worthy of some jokes.

-------------

What's infinite times better than the Super Bowl?

The Hyperbole

````````

So, there's the Super Bowl.

After that, there's the Mega Bowl.

Then, after that, there's the Giga Bowl.

Any more than that, though, would just be Tera Bowl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend bought Super Bowl tickets last year, but he didn't realize when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  Now he is looking for someone to take his place.  If you are interested, it's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth.  She'll be the one in the white dress.

^^^^^^^

The New York Times just endorsed the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs to win the next Super Bowl.

>>>>>>>> 

What do you call an Atlanta Falcons player with a Super Bowl ring?

A thief.

<<<<<<<<<< 

The Dallas Cowboys had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.  While the players looked on in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.

Everyone stared in silence and wonder as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach said, "You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," replied the turkey, "What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

+++++++

Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

==========

A Cleveland Browns fan finds a magical lamp.

The fan rubs the lamp and a genie emerges.
Genie: "I am the all-powerful genie and I will grant you one wish!"
Fan: "That's easy, I want to live forever!"
Genie: "That's an impossible wish that I cannot grant."
Fan: "Okay then, I want to live long enough to see the Cleveland Browns win the super bowl."
Genie: "You clever bastard... "

-----------

Ever wonder why Houston Texan fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

More contradictory thoughts

Embracing radical simplicity has improved my life in 18 different ways.

I want to genuinely apologize now for turning out to be so insincere later on.

I am ready to feel genuine remorse if that will get me off the hook.

I stopped neurotically clinging to the past at 11:08 AM on March 11<sup>th</sup>, 2018.

There is a 50/50 chance that I am probably wrong.

I am not doing much to alleviate the suffering of humanity other than transferring some of mine to you.

Most of the things I worried about never came to pass.  It was the all the things I never saw coming.

Can’t we all agree that the idea of consensus is an illusion?

We are all moving together as one toward the same destination.  Which is why there is this traffic jam.

If you aren’t one of those people who ‘fake it till you make it’ just pretend you are.

We don’t have to be in the same room to feel the love we share.  In fact, sometimes it’s often better if we aren’t

+++++++

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

·         The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

·         Sometimes you meet people who change your life for the better.  These people are called bartenders.

Ron put things pretty well:

 Could not ask for better friends.  I suppose I could ask for more normal ones but then life would be far too dull.

A final off topic joke

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Chinese JOW #1014

I am asked how I can come up with jokes every week.  I find it is easier if I have a theme.  China has been in the news a lot so I thought I would do some Chinese jokes.  Nope.  Puns, cultural references, and sarcasm all require a fairly advanced level of language and cultural comprehension.  The Chinese seem to enjoy puns, in Chinese. Of course, in China you may not make fun of the government unless it is on a politically approved topic such as corruption.  But before we can feel too superior, remember that we too, have censorship.  In America you can no longer make jokes about minorities, homosexuals or feminists.  Body image is also off limits.  In China you can joke about fat people.  It is also acceptable to joke about beating children, and to compare people to animals.  American humor can be harsh.  Look at insult comics, and celebrity roasts.  And in the American stand-up circuit, ironic nihilism reigns. 

A couple of examples of this:

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.

 When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company! 

“I actually read your autobiography, and today after seeing you, I think the book is much better.”  Actually, that one is from a Chinese standup comedian but he told it in the US.  In China, it would be considered rude.

Cultural and language differences can be amusing

An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."

A few Chinese-themed jokes

·         If you spin a Chinese man around would he become disoriented?

·         Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

·         Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls

Chinese Riddles

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: How does every Chinese joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?

A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
Q: Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?

A: He makes you an offer you can't understand.

Q: How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?

A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and he is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?

A: Cha Ching!

Q: What do you call a Chinese rapper?

A: Vanilla Rice
Q: What do you call a dumb Chinese prostitute?

A: Wun Dum Ho
Q: What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?

A: Phil Ming.

Q: What do you call a Chinese dwarf?

A: Tai Nee.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Paralympian?

A: Lim Ping.

Finally I am going to end up with a penis joke

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes." "And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears.

"And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

Contradictory JOW #1013

I have often wondered what makes a joke or situation funny?  I am not alone in this, there are lots of scholarly papers on the subject.  Some things are funny to one person and not to another – these can vary based on culture, age, and gender.   Personally I do not find bathroom humor amusing, nor am I one for jokes that are cruel or demeaning.  I find that I laugh at things that are silly or unexpected – shocking even.  Some of my favorite types of jokes are ‘stupid’ jokes where people do stupid or silly things and jokes that are self-contradictory.  I have a bunch of those as my offering this week, thanks to inputs from Ruth. 

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Letting go is the only thing I have to hold onto anymore.

I am the poster child for people who don’t fit into any category.

You just have to get used to the fact that there are things the human mind can never accept.

I am trying to be a good listener but you keep interrupting me.

My brain is wracked by cognitive dissonance and I say that with a mixture of pride and shame.

You must always keep the Buddhist concept that ‘thinking is the problem’ in the forefront of your mind.

I will share the secrets of relaxing leisure with you as soon as I have a few minutes to spare.

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.  Tonight I will have a wine that pairs well with both.

I am giving you way more unconditional love than you deserve.

Be refusing to compete with you I win.

People are hungry for complicated answers and that’s all you need to know.

Dualism works for me, but only about half the time.

The truth that set me free cost me everything

I hate stupid, petty power struggles when I don’t have the upper hand.

Less is really more, so the more less you have the better!

Focusing on quality over quantity eventually works if you do it often enough

I am making a detailed list of all the things of things I’s rather not remember

I am feeling fine which is a rough average between ecstasy and despair.

Nihilists claim we can’t know anything; I don’t even think we can know that.

My notes about entropy are getting more and more disorganized every day.

Life’s contradictions drive me crazy but the paradoxes don’t bother me a bit.

I never apologize.  I’m sorry, that’s just the way I am.

If we had it a little worse we’d recognize how good things are.

I am trying to model my behavior of not conforming as an example for others to follow.

I have invented a new word.  I am going to call it Plagiarism.

Is it just my imagination, or am I making things up?

Some questions to ponder

·         Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going? Taxes?

·         What disease did cured ham actually have?

·         How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

·         Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

·         If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

·         Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?

·         Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

·         Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

·         Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

·         Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.  I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

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A guy asked a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer replied.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy said.
“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

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One day a man with an elephant walked into a movie theater.
“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager said.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man assured him.
“All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure. …”
After the movie, the manager says to the man, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too,” says the man. “He hated the book.”

Hunting season is over but Bill sent me a hunting joke anyway.

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters, who happened to be blonde, returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” one of his camp mates asked.

“Henry collapsed when we were carrying this big boy back to camp. He’s back up the trail somewhere.”

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”