Watery JOW #1325

 I recently had the chance to go sailing with a friend.  They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a yacht where you can hide your tears in stylish comfort.   I remember a line I used to say back when I was doing a lot of sailing.   “It’s okay if you don’t like sailing.  It’s kind of a smart person sport anyway.”  But my time on the water got me thinking about boats, etc.  Here are some funny thoughts along that line.

 

How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

 

What is the difference between a wealthy person and someone who is really rich?

The haves and the have yachts.

  

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

I'm not really a big fan of boat puns

But frigate

 

I'm outfitting my boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

 

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

 

In olden times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.

 

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

 

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

Buck an ear

 

Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?

Its timbers were shivering.

 

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand store

 

A ship’s captain is a sails manager.

 

I hate it when I have to moor the boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

 

A girl I wanted to date said I had the face like the back of a boat.

I didn’t reply, but I gave her a stern look.

 

The dyslectic devil worshipping man just got a new motorboat.

He christened it Sail Hatin'

 

A student asks his sailing instructor, “What’s a bar?”

He replied, “In the water it’s a low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, usually composed of sand or mud.  Ashore it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.”

 

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: “Boat number 81, your two-hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.”

Boat rental intern to manager: ”Uh, sir, we only have 40 boats.”
Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: “Boat number 18, do you require assistance?”

 

A pair of a novice sailors’ best friend died and in his will he specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea.

So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood chest deep in water.

“We need to go out further,” he told the other. So, they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin.

“We need to go out further,” he said again.

About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering and said to the other: “That’s far enough; hand me the shovel.”

 

A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,” said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposit of $15,000, and payments of 41,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?

 

Finally an off-topic joke to end this madness.

A man crossed the border each morning on a donkey.
And each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reached the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors searched his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending money and boasting that he is a smuggler and that no one can catch him.
Every day, incensed at his bold claims, the tax collectors obsessively searched his bags of straw. They sifted the straw, cut it into pieces, ripped open the fabric of his bags, checked his hat, his beard and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding coins between the leather. And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous, even offering to pay for the tax collectors’ meals while continuing to hint at his wily smuggling. The tax collectors continue their futile inspections of the straw bags for years to no avail.
This continues until the smuggler moved away to another city and settled down to enjoy his wealth. Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired tax collectors meets his old foe and asks,
“Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a tax collector, and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?”
The smuggler replied, “Donkeys.”

 

Taxing JOW #1324

 Sorry I missed last week’s JOW.  I was having a fabulous trip sailing in the Georgia Sea Isles.  Here are the jokes I should have sent last week:

Ah, April 15^th, that day when all your taxes were due.  I don’t feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes.  I finished mine over a year ago.  So for all of you who are thinking about the IRS, here are a few light jokes for your amusement.

 

As a patriot, I have decided to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay import taxes.
That’ll be….my Civic duty.

 

I was surprised when the IRS wrote to me to say my tax return was “outstanding”.
Especially as I don’t recall sending one in.

 

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.
It’s hard to believe that 95% of us can’t do simple math

 

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me
This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

 

What is the difference between an electron and a proton for a tax collector?
They are charged differently.

 

Why do large eggs cost more than small eggs?
X size tax.

 

Don’t get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office!
The devil takes many forms.

 

Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS?
It was for back taxes.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well!

 

Why did the chocolate shop’s taxes get audited?
The owner had fudged the numbers.

 

How can you tell if you’ve found a good tax accountant?
If he has a loophole named after him.

 

So much tax evasion in America.
Almost like the country was founded on it or something.

 

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history.
They’ll be the first billionaire to pay taxes.

 

How do stoner couples file their taxes?
Jointly!

 

What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist takes only your skin.

 

Why is the IRS always tired?
Collecting money for the government is taxing.

 

I just got a great job offer to collect taxes for Hell.
I’ll be part for the Infernal Revenue Service.

 

What happens when the liquor store forgets to tax its sales?
It’s a sin-tax error.

 

Apparently, Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin.
His name is Tax E. Vader.

 

Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.

 

Can I claim my Indian Bread Company as a charity tax deduction?
It’s a Naan Profit Organization.

 

What kind of tax is placed on paper?
A tear-iff.

 

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly’s an old game?
It has a luxury tax, and rich people can actually go to jail.

 

If you go to jail for tax evasion aren’t you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

 

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years… but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

 

When marijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair.
It would be called Operation Pot Holes.

 

Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”

 

Who is the highest-ranking officer at tax time?
General Sales Tax.

 

Why don’t dogs pay taxes for their meals?
Because they’re all under the table.

 

What do you call someone who likes giving the government taxes?
A paytriot.

 

Has anyone realized “The IRS”.
Spells “theirs”?

 

Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”

 

A man wrote the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have understated my income and have enclosed a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

 

Did you hear about the guy who didn’t want to file his taxes?
I would’ve asked him more, but he didn’t want to get Intuit.

 

A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”

 

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people.
And squeezed it dry. He said, “If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I’ll give them 100 bucks.”
Many people tried, and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out three drops of lemon juice.

Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, “Who are you?”
The second man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

 

Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $100,0000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: you don't know your percentages.
Kid: you don't know my dad.

 

Two men are stranded on a deserted island.
One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of back taxes.”

And finally

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

 

 

 

Warlike JOW #1323

 We can make jokes about anything, even war.  The US has been bombing Iran and that is a serious thing.  But, as the bleach blonde said, ‘can you lighten it up a bit’.  So here are a few lighthearted jabs most at Iran, which is a ridiculous country anyway.  As most of you know, the nation of Iran lies between the ancient lands of Babylon to the west and the mountains of Afghanistan to the east.  So in other words, it’s between Iraq and a hard place.

 

I hear Iran has no Walmart stores

Just Targets.

 

What is the national bird of Iran?

A drone

 

How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran.

 

If Iran closes the Strait of Hormuz, would it then become the Gay of Hormuz?

 

What's the difference between a terrorist recruitment center and an Iranian general? I don't know, man, I'm just a pilot.

 

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor? Call out B... 52

 

What do you call it when you run into the same Iranian in different bathrooms?  Same Shiite different toilet.

 

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately, Iran was already taken

 

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran.

It’s called Prints of Persia

 

What always has the right of way on the battlefield?
Incoming fire.

 

The US is helping the Iranian navy by converting all their ships to submarines

 

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

 

And influencer posted about his recent trip to Iran

It was a blast!

 

Iran has announced a controversial move to close outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision.

 

The agent asks an Iranian: “Are you willing to work for Israel and the United States to overthrow the Khamenei theocratic regime?”

The Iranian replies: “I am willing!”

The agent says: “That’s awesome! A hundred thousand dollars!”

The Iranian looks troubled, hesitates for a moment, grits his teeth and says: “A hundred thousand it is! But I can’t come up with that much all at once—can I pay in installments?”

 

Three Britons are on holiday in Iran, smoking weed while sitting on a bench.
One is a goth girl, the second is a very progressive man with a rainbow t-shirt, and the 3rd is a businessman in a suit and tie.
A police officer comes over and instantly arrests the businessman, taking him into his car. He then starts to drive off.
“Why did you arrest me?” Asks the businessman.
“Well, weed is haram, and very much illegal here in the Islamic Republic of Iran,” said the officer
“What about the others? They were smoking it too!” Exclaims the man.
“That is true,” said the officer, “but over here we also don’t have any issue with women and gays getting stoned.”

 

Once upon a time in Iran a Mullah was walking the street and suddenly fell into a hole.
Some people walking around rushed to the top of the hole to help him
“Give us your hand!” they cried.
The Mullah stood still in the bottom of the hole while the people kept shouting to him.
After a few minutes they stopped and rushed to ask another Mullah who was walking by for advice.
“What did you tell him?” asked
“ Give us your hand!”
“Ah, I see, wrong sentence.  Instead try ‘Take our hand’.”

 

And for those of you who got my ‘Al Kaline’ joke last week, here is another acid joke going around. 

The Israelis are bombing Iranian bases because it turns out that if you need to neutralize a base, an Hasidic solution works just fine.

 

Enough on Iran.  Some other jokes

I just read about a set of newlyweds who had a nice, romantic two-day honeymoon… in the TSA line.

 

The TSA lines have been eliminated after they were taken over by Chick-fil-a.

 

Or maybe the lines disappeared after they eliminated the colonoscopies.

 

I went to a reverse psychologists’ convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

 

I’m a corrections officer at an old prison and all my coworkers think the place is haunted.  I have no idea what they're on about. I've been walking this beat here for the last 150 years and have never experienced a thing.

 

Two Eskimos were traveling in a kayak when a sudden blizzard blew in.
Trapped with no way to see which way was home, they started freezing to death.
One of them had a bright idea to light a fire in the bottom of the boat to keep warm.
Unfortunately, it burned a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

Finally:

 A man went to an ice sculpture showcase.  Hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was very quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.
He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But people just ignored him.
In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.
Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"
The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."