Ukrainian JOW #1130

 Putin’s war against the Ukraine has been making a lot of news lately and rightly so.  It is a great tragedy and not only for that region; the negative impacts of this dreadful war will echo grimly around the world for a long time.  But nothing is so terrible that we cannot make jokes about it.  Heck, I have done half a dozen JOWs about the Covid epidemic.  These jokes about Ukraine are like COVID: Tasteless.

+++++

What’s the difference between a comedian and a clown?

One leads Ukraine, the other leads Russia.

=====

What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

…..

Poland has stepped up in support of Ukraine.

They’ve stationed 10,000 troops on their border with France.

(It is has been a long time since I used a Polish joke.)

***

The scariest thing about the possibility of World War Three starting is that Germany would be on our side this time.  They haven’t won a World War yet.

<<<<< 

Hey Putin, wanna hear a Ukraine joke?

I don’t get it.

Exactly

>>>>> 

All Putin wants is peace.  A piece of Ukraine that is.  First, he demanded that Ukraine to move its border away from his troops.

-----

Two Ukrainians are drinking together. Between shots of vodka, they are discussing many issues. One of the men had been a young child when the Soviet Union dissolved and Ukraine and the other former member states gained their independence. Having very little recollection of what life was like back then, he asked the older man, “Tell me, my good friend, were there any pluses in the Soviet Union?”

The older man replied, “There were some pluses. They were printed on batteries.”

^^^^^^

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, we have begun a Special Military Operation in Ukraine.   We’ll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- I will work double shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country!  Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...

``````

 

Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians invade the Ukraine without provocation?"
Putin says, "Good question." But just as he is about to answer the bell rings and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have three questions. Why did the Russians invade the Ukraine, why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early, and where is Sasha?

~~~~~

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukrainian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.
"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."
The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.
They come back and tell the Russians what they found.
"Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found a hole in your gas tank. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was empty from a puncture in the reservoir, and the radiator was cracked"
"Wait a second" interjected one Russian soldier. "Did you say the radiator was cracked?"
"Well, yes." replied the mechanic.
"Huh. I don't remember doing that."

++++++++

Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky decided to settle the war man to man:  they would have a drinking contest.  They had the bartender set up the drinks, good Russian vodka, of course. 

The bartender passes around glasses each filled with a liter of vodka and then calls out the first brag, "Who's the toughest guy here?"

Down the hatch go the drinks.  The two men look unaffected.

The bartender pours two more liters of vodka calls out, "Who is the manliest guy here?"

The two slam down their drinks.

The bartender calls out, "Who can stare death straight in the eye and laugh?"
Both chug their drinks.  Putin starts to look a little woozy.  

The bartender calls out, "Who can stand next to those they care about, no matter what happens?"
Putin has a hard time finishing his drink this time.  Zelensky smirks over at him, steady as a rock.

The bartender calls out, "Who can actually back it up and it's not just bravado?"

They hammer down their drinks and Putin, slumps to the floor, done.  Zelensky ask for another drink and finishes it, smacking his lips with pleasure.

The bartender looks at Zelensky, in awe of the guy, "So... how can you drink so much Vodka so fast and not be fazed?"
Zelensky smiles, "Oh, I have an unexpected resistance to anything Russian."

And finally, here is one from my gut.
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.
"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."
"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social (media) Disease #1129

I have made jokes about Social Media in the past. I have now been social media-free for over 150 days.  I never really got hooked on Social Media.  I stayed away from the hard stuff: Twitter, Instagram, Tic Toc and Reddit.  Now I find I my mind is clearer and I am not so angry at things all the time.  We used to get along without social networks.  When I was kid, my social network was called “outside”.  

Here are a few jokes about social media.

 

What’s the opposite of social media? Social life.

 

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum. You have no idea you’re committed until you try to leave.

 

 Have you heard about the social media stars who have the flu? They’re Instagram Influenzas

 

Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate? Nobody cares now, either.

 

As part of a promotion, we set up two of our Facebook fans on a blind date. The program was a failure because they didn’t click.

 

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

 

When social media bans images of women breast feeding it shows a real intolerance…lactose intolerance.

 

What’s Forrest Gump’s social media password? 1forrest1

 

What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor? [redacted]

 

 I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody’s joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform. Retweet if you agree.

 

The amount of advertising on the net is super surprising. What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

 

Golden rule of social media, “Tweet others the way you want to be tweeted”.

 

There’s a new social media app created by the bakers’ union called “breadit”. You can buy a loaf on it but only if it’s stale and has been posted by 6 bakers in the last week.

 

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media…He says my disease is untweetable…

 

What do social media Influencers and flashers have in common? They both think people want their exposure.

 

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

 

The redditor says “I think I am going to go home and spend time with the wifi.”

 

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook…but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

 

A new social media site is sweeping over college campuses. Mysafespace.

 

A Social Media Consultant walks into a bar and orders a drink. He copies-and-pastes the drink to five other bars and requests that they become a fan of it, then bills the first bar for six drinks.

 

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar - You won’t believe what happens next. It was shocking!

 

I tried making an anti-social media platform. But it never went anywhere.

 

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It’s the TikTok Tic Tac tactic.

 

How can you spot the losers in a social media War? They’re the ones yelling, “Retweet! Retweet!!”

 

For the younger crowd

Being on social media is like having sex: it’s fun until you know your parents do it too

 

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods. He told me I can’t just Thoreau my life away.

 

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods. He told me I can’t just Thoreau my life away.

 

I told my mother my wife was pregnant. That was the moment she became an Instagram.

~~~~~

A social media researcher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Have you ever noticed that women have fewer complaints in the month of February?" he asks the bartender.

"Really?" the bartender asks. "I hadn't noticed. Is it because of Valentine's Day?"

"No," the researcher replies. "Near as we can tell it's because February only has 28 days."

A true social media story

A woman from Quebec on long-term sick leave has stopped receiving monthly benefits after she posted Facebook photos of herself having fun. A year and a half ago the woman was granted leave from her job because of a depression diagnosis and has been receiving sick-leave benefits every month from her insurance company.
However, the pictures posted on the networking site showed her frolicking on a beach, having fun at a Chippendales show and enjoying her birthday party, made her look rather happy. So the insurance company assumed she was no longer depressed and stopped paying the benefits.

 

Enough social media.  Here are a few amusing plurals of groups, some of which are real.

A Glory of Larks

A Congress of Baboons

A Bloat of Hippopotamuses

A Staph of Doctors.

A Clog of Plumbers.

A Facade of Politicians.

A Crash of Stockbrokers

A Smirk of Puns from fan.

A Sneak of Weasels from fan

A Shaker of Salt-Truck Drivers

A Brace of Seatbelts.

A Bevy of Chevys.

An Orbit of Saturns

A Hodgepodge of Dodges. 

And finally

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so here is my last joke:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portuguese, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Czech, a Slovak, a Bosnian, a Jordanian, an Armenian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a South African, a Pilipino, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Dane, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African all went to a fancy night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Book'em JOW #1128

 I recently read an article that commented that certain books define a generation: for the Boomers; Lord of the Rings – a story of heroes overcoming an evil empire.  For the Millennials it was Harry Potter – a plucky, diverse set of young people saving their world mostly in spite of their stogy elders.  For the Zoomers, AKA Gen Z, it was the Hunger Games, a grim dystopian tale of a female overthrowing a corrupt and brutal society.  Of course, Zoomers probably didn’t read the books but saw the movie as Zoomers don’t read (said the novelist whose books only sold a few hundred copies). I wish more people read.  Dinosaurs didn’t read. Now they’re extinct.

My jokes this week focus on books and bookish things.

 

Modern literature

Youth dystopian novel protagonist: “I guess you could say there’s a darkness in me. I’m not normal, never have been.”
Barista at Starbucks: “Ma’am are you going to order anything?”

Writing of authors,

I love that Charles Dickens got paid by the word. It is hard to be mad when he’s boring and long-winded because you would do exactly the same? I wouldn’t use contractions or colors at all. Do you want to say the word red? Too bad. We are now only using “the color of freshly-spilled blood on snow; the hue of the horizon when the sun sets over the deserts of sub-Saharan Africa” BOOM guess who can afford to eat now?

What I love about Alexandre Dumas, in contrast, is he got paid by the line. So it’s not really wordy, it more like 80% dialogue which makes it sound pretty modern but also ends up like-

“Where are we going now?”

“We are going to the city.”

“Which city?”

“Paris.”

“We are going to Paris?”

“Yes.”

 

And then there is Shakespeare.  Comparing your relationship to Romeo and Juliet to express how in love you are is kind of like using Hamlet to demonstrate how close and well-adjusted your family life is

 

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? 

Pick one of three

·         Tequila mockingbird

·         F. scotch Fitzgerald

·         Ernest Hemingway

 

Some fun authors and their books.

o   Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face

o   All You Need to Know about Explosives by Dinah Mite

o   Improve Your Target Shooting by Ms Completely

o   The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback

o   The Worst Journey in the World by Helen Back

o   How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard

o   Separation anxiety by Miles Apar

o   Making the Most of Life by Maxie Mumm

o   Outsize Clothes-buying by Ellie Fant

o   The World of Vegetables by Artie Choak

o   A Call for Assistance by Linda Hand.

o   At the South Pole by Anne Tarctic

o   Garden Water Features by Lily Pond

o   Winning the Lottery by Jack Potts

o   Shipwrecked by Mandy Lifeboats.

 

Quick riddles

Why are books so afraid of their sequels? Because they always come after them.

 

What did the man say when a book fell on his head? I only have my-shelf to blame.

 

What do you say when your thesaurus is stolen? Nothing, you'll be lost for words.

 

Where does a librarian sleep? Between the covers.

 

What does a librarian take to go fishing? Book worms.

 

What’s the difference between a boring person and a boring book? You can shut the book up.

 

I love bookstores.  Too bad they are dying out.  Here are some bookstore quotes:

No one ever shouts in a bookstore.
- Lillian Jackson Braun
It is clear that the books owned the shop rather than the other way about. Everywhere they had run wild and taken possession of their habitat, breeding and multiplying, and clearly lacking any strong hand to keep them down.
- Agatha Christie
When I visit a new bookstore, I demand cleanliness, computer monitors, and rigorous alphabetization. When I visit a secondhand bookstore, I prefer indifferent housekeeping, sleeping cats, and sufficient organizational chaos.
- Anne Fadiman
What do I miss? Second-hand bookshops where I can find things I had no idea I wanted.
- David Mitchell

 

Which led to other book quotes

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.
- Franklin P. Jones

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading contest. I hit a bookmark.
- Stephen Wright

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
- George Bernard Shaw

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
- Robert Benchley

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
- Frank Zappa

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

A library is a place where you can lose your innocence without losing your virginity.
- Germaine Greer

Never judge a book by its movie. —J. W. Eagan

 

Honest book covers

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

All the best characters die or go bad

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Pretend you have read this book to impress your friends

It by Stephen King

Clowns are scary

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Alice experiments with drugs

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Three books about a teen-aged girl and her first boyfriend

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling

Get rewarded for ignoring the teachers at your fancy boarding school

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Sugar induced hallucinations

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Money can’t buy you love

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

Talking animals do very British things

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Horrible, horrible people

 

 

For the Birds JOW #1126

 A typical sign of spring rolling around is the return of songbirds who retire to places in the south where they can find food.  Now they are headed back north, with literal flocks of robins, cardinals, and other migratory songbirds stopping by my fountain for a drink and short bath.  So with birds on my mind I thought I would use birds for my theme this week.  Enjoy.

 

Two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft collided with a large buzzard and crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

******

A blonde was walking with her friend, when her friend said "look! A dead bird! That's so sad!"
The blonde then quickly looked up in the sky and said "Where?"

=====

A traveling sideshow put up a help wanted ad. A man walked in and applied for a job.
The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"
The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"
The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that."
So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.

+++++++

My friend was harassing me with bird puns

But toucan play at that game.

>>>>> 

Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"

Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"

<<<<< 

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.
She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, It’s supposed to be a Bird"
Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

^^^^^^

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

---------

A mummy calls a restaurant.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Some bird riddles

What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?

A dead bird.

 

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

 

What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics?

A hummingbird

 

What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

A Millennial Falcon

 

What's the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

 

What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu?

One requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'.

 

What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonade

(Okay, not a bird joke but I always like that one)

 

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

 

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother had a son who was lazy and wouldn’t wake up early.

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, I am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: Imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late every day and can’t find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: I learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds

~~~~~~~

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?"

The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth".

The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks: "HI PAT!"

And in conclusion

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

 

 

Birthday JOW #1127

 The end of March and the beginning of April are busy times for birthdays in my family.  I have a son, daughter, grand-daughter, and mother-in-law all with birthdays within a few days of each other.  Birthdays for adults are no big deal, but for my grand-daughter, who turned four, it was, as she has had so few. Helen, my mother-in-law, turned 102 - also a big deal because she has had so many.  Here are a few birthday-related jokes.

As Helen opened her 102nd birthday card, she looked at us and said, "You know, one card would have been enough."

The old lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 103th birthday.  "What do you think is the reason for your long life?" they asked her. 

"Oh," she replied, "I suppose it's because I was born such a long time ago."

===

Her granddaughter made her one of those sculpted 3D cakes for her birthday but wouldn't stop reminding us how it took her all day to decorate it, which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
~~~~

People with one syllable names....really ruin the Happy Birthday Song.

^^^

The hardest person to sing happy birthday to is Chinese Nobel laureate Tu YouYou

++++

I overheard it was my co-worker’s birthday the next day so I wished her a happy birthday eve.

She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.

====
Q: Why are birthday's good for you?

A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

---   

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

A: Aye, matey!

`````

The logician asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings." So he got her nothing.
^^^

A husband asked his wife what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”

He gave her a pack of playing cards.

~~~~

I just bought my friend a refrigerator for his birthday I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

>>>>

Birthdays are just participation awards in life.

====

Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

….

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after nine long months, I was finally born!

*****

A mom wanted to do something special for her college aged son’s birthday.  She called his fraternity and asked his roommate if she could bring them a cake.

His roomie was very excited. "Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer," he said, "that would be great!"
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said 'keg.' "

<<<<< 

Uncle Bob, Mike, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon. Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"
Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birthday!"
"Oh well happy birthday! Make sure you save room because you'll get a free dessert!"
Tim and Susan smile and nod, but poor old Bob who had left his hearing aid at home looked a bit confused. He asked her to repeat herself.
"Sure thing, happy birthday! Save room and you'll get a free dessert."
There's a moment of silence before Bob says, "Vroom, vroom!"

++++

It's a hot day--there's a traveling salesman passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.  So he stops and says to the little old man, "You look as if you don't have a care in the world!  What's your formula for a long and happy life?"
And the little old man says, "Well, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every night.  I never wash, and I go out every night; I don't get to bed until four in the morning."
And the guy says, "Wow, that's just great.  How old are you?" 
And the little man says, "I’m Twenty four."

=======

Frank Zamboni - A revolutionary inventor, despite being dead for almost 40 years his name still resurfaces.

A couple of grandma jokes

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the four-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

 

 A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

And finally

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.
After a search of many options including the local veterinarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks from the case and explains that he will go to the rear of the bull and with one brick in his left hand and the other one in his right he will smash the bull's testicles by banging the bricks together.
"Holy cow!" the farmer says "won't that hurt like hell?!!!

"Nah" the man says "you just got to make sure you keep your thumbs on the outside

 

 

All Dad JoW #1125

As my poor children will attest, I love DAD Jokes. They are mostly short, bad puns and silly riddles. What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.  This week is exclusively composed of Dad Jokes.  Forgive me.

 

“Dad, I’m hungry!”

“Hello, hungry, I’m dad.”

 

What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!

 

Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b” comes after it!

 

What did the guard shout when a pea broke out of prison? “Escapea!”

 

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.

 

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

 

It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.

 

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

 

What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos

 

Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.

 

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.

 

My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf.
He looked devastated. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up”.

 

How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed

 

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

 

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

 

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”

 

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest…that’s just how I roll.

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes? Still no-eye deer

 

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’? Because you can’t ‘c’ in the dark!

 

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

 

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a MasterCard? Because his Visa didn’t work.

 

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

 

The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.

 

Who is the loneliest billionaire? Alone musk.

 

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

 

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

 

I asked 10 people what LGTBQ stood for… I couldn’t get a straight answer!

 

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

 

My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.
He wants to be an astronaut.

 

I agree you should not be disrespectful to cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?

 

Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded

 

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

 

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

 

Friend: “Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Me: “Brochure”

 

Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.

 

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

 

I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

 

Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different shirt every half an hour.
Me: Wait. I can change.

 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

 

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My therapist told me I have problems with verbalizing my emotions. I can’t say I’m surprised.

 

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

 

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

 

I named my dog “Five miles.” So that I could say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.”

 

What group of people never get angry? Nomads.

 

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

 

I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as color blind. It really came out of the purple.

 

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

 

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

 

I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.

 

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?

 

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.

 

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off

 

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.”

 

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”

Wife: whatever means necessary.

Me: No it doesn’t.

  

And finally, mercifully

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped,

“Oh no. Was he dead?”

Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.” 

 

 

Gassy JOW #1124

 I was gone last week on a Florida vacation.  I like to travel.  I got a big map for my wall and I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I drove our 2400 miles in the middle of the highest gas prices ever.  I did notice some changes.  When you put your credit card in a fuel pump it now asks for the make, model and year of your car, as well as your annual salary. After a brief wait, the message comes back: “Your loan has been approved. You may fill up.”

Here are a few jokes about the price of fuel.

 

I did get some gas on my trip for only $2.99. Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

 

I never thought I would spend more money getting to COSTCO than I do shopping at COSTCO.

 

A sign on a gas pump read: “Why buy gasoline in small quantities? Get full tank on the weekly payment plan.”

 

Some stations had a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K.

 

There was a sign at one station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

 

Two bums were sitting on a park bench and one says: “I had it all…nice wife, a house in the ‘burbs, a luxury car…and then I went to the gas station for a fill-up.”

 

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices.
His vehicles run on fear.

 

With the price of fuel, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

Yesterday I took my wife to a real expensive store where we can’t afford anything – just to dream a little – it was a gas station.

 

Lots of folks at a gas station the other day – no one buying anything, everyone was “just browsing.” I talked to one guy who was buying something for his wedding anniversary. At first he was going to get jewelry but then he said he had decided to really splurge for this anniversary and get a full tank of gas.

 

Gas costs so much a local station now has grief counselors on staff to help customers.

 

My wife and I are so excited.  Our loan was just approved!  We can get our tank of gas this afternoon!

 

Gas is more expensive than beer.  Drink, don’t drive.

 

The bright side of high gas prices is that you have an excuse now for not visiting in-laws.  “We’d love to come, honestly…but the money is really tight right now…maybe when gas is below $5 a gallon, OK?”

 

Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

 

Chinese takeout: $11.77.

Price of gas to get there: $8.90.

Making it all the way home and realizing that you forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

 

Here are some jokes about travelling.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't tell me where.  I have no idea where This is going

 

My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

 

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…It was a little plane.

A couple of Russian jokes.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I'm learning Hebrew, comrade”, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham”, replies the old man.
“How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally a few ‘You might be a redneck’ jokes from Woody

·        You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

·        You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

·        You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

·        You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

·        The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

·        You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

·        You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night

·        Your prom offered day care.

 

And finally, on a related note

 

Two good ol’ boys in a Mississippi trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,  “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”