Sleepy JOW #1316

 We have entered that period of the sports world between the end of the Super Bowl and Opening Day when most men hibernate.  Yeah, there are basketball and hockey games, but not ones that count.  So many of us just sleep through this time.  That got me to thinking about the entire concept of hibernation.  A she-bear sleeps through the bad winter weather, loses twenty percent of her body weight, and gives birth while asleep.  Give that some thought, ladies. 

Here are a few jokes on sleeping and such.

 

It is time to train for my favorite winter sport.

Extreme Hibernation....

 

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.
“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It smells great!”
Mama mole, right behind Papa, sniffs and says, “Oh wow, the syrups smell delicious!”
Baby mole, in the hole behind both Papa and Mama says “Yuck! All I can smell are molasses from back here!”

Here are some jokes on snoozing.

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

Why did the Grizzly bear get a D- in his hibernation class?

Because he did the bear minimum

 

Why do astronauts prefer to sleep alone?

They need their space

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

I couldn't sleep last night because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

 

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roam’n Catholic.

 

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts

 

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

 

One of my friends asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try but my goldfish died.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me that are simply not true.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when your kid cries in the middle of the night

 

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

 

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had nowhere else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

 

A farmer turned to his little girl and told her, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime!”

 

kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

dad: "Why not?"
kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
dad: [looks under bed] "Yes, yes I do!"
kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

A few nights ago, I was preparing to go to sleep. As I got into bed I heard a loud crashing noise, so I got up panicked and opened my door but a voice downstairs said “Don’t worry the cat just knocked over another vase”
So I calmed down and go to bed and then I thought to myself “I live alone and  I don’t own a cat”

 

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realize it was a ‘poor tent of doom’.

And finally, this is a classic bit of Jewish humor that I have been saving.

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? "

To which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replies cautiously.

"Yes....?"
Sarah says "Well, he cannot pay you. Goodnight." And she closes the window.
Turning to her husband she says, "There. Now you let Ishmael worry about it.".

 

Presidential JOW #1315

We are coming up on President’s Day.  It used to be Washington’s birthday and Lincoln’s birthday, but we decided to combine them.  So, my jokes this week feature various presidents. And by the way, I don’t know if anybody else had this weird glitch but my television for some reason broadcast the entire Super Bowl halftime show in Spanish.

 

Was Eve the president of Eden?

No, she was the first lady

 

What rock group has four guys and no singers?

Mt. Rushmore!

 

When is Presidents Day a sad reminder?
If your wallet is filled with only pictures of the first president.

 

I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What is going on?  How is it that am I still alive?"

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

 

Jokes on the internet are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

 

The president has called for full legalization of marijuana.

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

 

Most American Presidents are buried in the US. Can you name the ones who aren’t?
The ones who are still alive

 

I asked my seven year-old Granddaughter, “What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of BS."

 

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

 

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

 

Before the end of the world, God appeared before three presidents: Trump, Xi and Putin.

God told them: “Go and tell your people that in two weeks, the world will end.”
Trump went back to US and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is good, and the other is bad. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that in two weeks, the world will end”.

Xi went back to China and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is bad, and the other is even worse. The bad news is that God exists. The worse news is that in two weeks, world will end”.

Putin went back and said: “I have two pieces of news, and both are good! First is that God himself recognized me as president! And the second is that I’ll rule until the end of the world!”

 

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:
“We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws things and swears at him.”

“Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, everybody!”
“Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little.  We might swear at Trump, but in a but only in front of our TVs.”
“Well, I exaggerated a bit as well.  We really urinate, but we do it in our pants.”

 

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama said “Briefs”

In 2022 the press asked Joe Biden’s press secretary if Biden wears Boxers or briefs. She replied, "Depends".

 

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected. The night before the inauguration he called his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One."
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
“No, the other one."

 

And finally, not presidential but about another type who goes on and on.

The young new pastor made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard one Sunday morning in February, arriving with only five minutes to spare. He entered, turned on the lights, and took a look around. There was no one else present.
An old farmer, coated in snow, strolled in just as he was ready to turn everything off and go home.
The preacher said, “Hello, Joe. Nobody else appears to be able to make it. I believe there will be no service today.”
“Well, Reverend, I know I’m only an old farmer, but I can tell you this: if I take a load of hay out to the field to feed my cattle and only one cow comes up, I still feed it,” the elderly farmer stated.
Embarrassed, the pastor answered “Without a doubt. You are correct. I’m going to get ready.”
So the pastor began the service and inspired by the farmer’s faith and dedication, preached for an hour.
After the service, the pastor approached the farmer and said, “So Joe… I hope you enjoyed today’s sermon.”

The old farmer looked at him, shook his head, and said, “Reverend, if I go out to feed the cattle and only one cow shows up, I still feed it, but I don’t give it the whole load.”

 

For Better or Worse JOW #1314

My jokes this week are about holy matrimony; you know that promise to have and to hold for better or worse… with no expiration date.  There are lots of jokes and observations about that institution: here are some:

 

A man doesn’t know what true happiness is until he’s married. And then it’s too late.

 

Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most married men

 

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

 

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

 

Love is a long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

 

Marriage is just planning for dinner while eating breakfast.

 

Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.

 

The wedding made everyone so emotional, even the cake was in tiers

Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

You're the other half to my equation and then sum.

 

When she told us her fiancée was an author, we knew she had found Mr Write.

 

Marriage is realizing that "I’ll do it in a minute" has no actual concept of time attached to it.

 

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.

 

At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

 

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”

Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

 

A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”

 

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing

 

A man fell in love with a pencil.  The problems began when he introduced his parents to his bride, 2B.

 

My wife says I never listen... or something like that.

            Or put another way,

Wife: “You never listen to me!”
Husband: “Sure, I’ll have another beer.”

 

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

 

My wife and I have been married for over 25 years, and she still drives me crazy. Lucky for her, I’m an excellent navigator.

 

The only time my wife agrees with me is when I say I’m wrong.

 

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick.  She still isn't talking to me.

 

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game.

 

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.

 

Here is a poem about marriage from Ogden Nash

"To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup,

whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up." 

Which led to some marriage quotes

"In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf." —Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." —Winston Churchill

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him." —Cher

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" —Jim Carrey

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." —Phyllis Diller

If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

"I'm married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me." —Fiona Shaw

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny—I’m just homesick.”

 

A very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and soon the children’s spouses and own children began to join in.

including a number of highly respectable lawyers.  Then one Christmas, the patriarch stood and said “Children, we don’t want to ruin this holiday for you, but there is something we need to tell you….your mother and I were…never actually married.”
The matriarch bursts out sobbing and her husband comforts her. Everyone stares in shock at the scene and nobody says a word.
Finally, the wife of one of the lawyers says, “Well don’t just stand there—one of you bastards say something.”

And finally a left-over nun joke

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."