Sleepy JOW #1316

 We have entered that period of the sports world between the end of the Super Bowl and Opening Day when most men hibernate.  Yeah, there are basketball and hockey games, but not ones that count.  So many of us just sleep through this time.  That got me to thinking about the entire concept of hibernation.  A she-bear sleeps through the bad winter weather, loses twenty percent of her body weight, and gives birth while asleep.  Give that some thought, ladies. 

Here are a few jokes on sleeping and such.

 

It is time to train for my favorite winter sport.

Extreme Hibernation....

 

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.
“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It smells great!”
Mama mole, right behind Papa, sniffs and says, “Oh wow, the syrups smell delicious!”
Baby mole, in the hole behind both Papa and Mama says “Yuck! All I can smell are molasses from back here!”

Here are some jokes on snoozing.

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

Why did the Grizzly bear get a D- in his hibernation class?

Because he did the bear minimum

 

Why do astronauts prefer to sleep alone?

They need their space

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

I couldn't sleep last night because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

 

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roam’n Catholic.

 

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts

 

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

 

One of my friends asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try but my goldfish died.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me that are simply not true.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when your kid cries in the middle of the night

 

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

 

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had nowhere else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

 

A farmer turned to his little girl and told her, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime!”

 

kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

dad: "Why not?"
kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
dad: [looks under bed] "Yes, yes I do!"
kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

A few nights ago, I was preparing to go to sleep. As I got into bed I heard a loud crashing noise, so I got up panicked and opened my door but a voice downstairs said “Don’t worry the cat just knocked over another vase”
So I calmed down and go to bed and then I thought to myself “I live alone and  I don’t own a cat”

 

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realize it was a ‘poor tent of doom’.

And finally, this is a classic bit of Jewish humor that I have been saving.

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? "

To which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replies cautiously.

"Yes....?"
Sarah says "Well, he cannot pay you. Goodnight." And she closes the window.
Turning to her husband she says, "There. Now you let Ishmael worry about it.".